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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Holidays can be fun?

134 replies

SunnydaleHSAlumna · 22/03/2022 13:38

I've been with my DH for a long time and I've been questioning our relationship and I've had an experience this weekend which has kind of blown my mind.

I went down to London this weekend with my sister for the night to see a show, something which I've never done before as I've only been away with DH (no DC).

But I feel really almost confused because it was so... easy. It was relaxed and fun and lovely and we got along well and were thoughtful of each other and I wasn't constantly in my head, giving myself a pep talk to get through it. I can't stop thinking about how easy and stress free it was, and how much of a contrast to going away with DH.

I wanted to post because I wanted to know if other people have fun when they go away with their partners? I think I kind of always assumed that holidays or nights away were just always stressful. Was being away with my sister just a completely random fluke of loveliness or is this what life really has the potential to be?

OP posts:
gannett · 22/03/2022 16:59

Your husband's refusal to compromise is a sign that he's not suited to be in a relationship at all. The essence of a good relationship is meeting your partner where they are but it only works if you both do it. He doesn't even seem willing to do that.

Different styles of holiday aren't an issue, there are plenty of compromises most people make - whether spending half the holiday doing what one person wants and the other half doing what the other wants; or each going your own way on certain days; or even just travelling not with your partner but with people who have the same approach. None of those things are problems. A big problem is insisting everything has to be done your way and selfishly dragging along someone who isn't enjoying it (and then on top of that insulting them for it).

If this pattern was just limited to holidays I'd say you could work around it but if it's typical of your whole relationship, it just doesn't sound worth saving.

Original poster
SunnydaleHSAlumna · 22/03/2022 17:21

I didn’t leave because my counsellor said not to rush into anything, and we are working through some things so I can get to a point where I’m sure of my decision.

He has never called me fat or lazy before or after, he’s very kind to me about my weight usually as I’m a bit heavier than I’d like to be. I don’t know why that one situation got so out of control and into such a big argument really. But it does put me off standing my ground more, because the thought of it happening again is awful, especially when on holiday because I don’t want it to ruin the whole thing.

OP posts:
gogohm · 22/03/2022 17:30

Yes they can be fun! But they are a lot more easy going with dp than they were with exh, partly because he actually wants to please meGrin

NowEvenBetter · 22/03/2022 17:50

It wouldn’t be you ruining anything, it’d be your nasty, controlling husband. How do you think you’d be more miserable if you ditched the controlling prick?
This is about the third time today I’ve posted this but- the sole point of a relationship is that it’s meant to enhance your life, it’s meant to be fun. Otherwise what the fuck are you doing with your life?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 22/03/2022 18:05

He sounds horrible!

Hoppinggreen · 22/03/2022 18:26

@SunnydaleHSAlumna

I didn’t leave because my counsellor said not to rush into anything, and we are working through some things so I can get to a point where I’m sure of my decision.

He has never called me fat or lazy before or after, he’s very kind to me about my weight usually as I’m a bit heavier than I’d like to be. I don’t know why that one situation got so out of control and into such a big argument really. But it does put me off standing my ground more, because the thought of it happening again is awful, especially when on holiday because I don’t want it to ruin the whole thing.

So him calling you names is you ruining the whole thing is it? He ruined that holiday by calling you names when you dared to not do as you were told. It’s not your fault
Crikeyalmighty · 22/03/2022 18:32

I’m married to someone abit like this OP- a few years ago I found out about some past rather shitty behaviour and I suddenly didn’t care as much if it worked or didn’t so I now speak up , if I don’t want to walk miles round cities I park myself in a cafe with my book and mumsnet ! And say see you in 2 hours back at hotel etc - in the past he would have got the hump— these days I don’t think he dare— speak up OP , what have you got to lose and if it’s your marriage— well who wants this amount of misery — how old are you both by the way? If he’s not that old he’s acting like a particularly boring pensioner

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/03/2022 18:38

He’s been controlling you for years and such behaviour is abusive. If you happen to be in joint counselling with your husband you need to cease those sessions. You need counselling on your own

Original poster
SunnydaleHSAlumna · 22/03/2022 19:05

We’re only in our 30s so not old. And the counselling is just for me. It’s helping me a lot so far.

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 22/03/2022 19:06

Op are you the poster who works for her husband and you have almost left a couple of times? If you are, sending you strength and love.

Original poster
SunnydaleHSAlumna · 22/03/2022 19:22

No @Blanca87 that’s not me, I don’t work for my husband

OP posts:
2DogsOnMySofa · 22/03/2022 19:22

My dh is my best friend, I love holidays and weekends with him. Not because we both like the same things, but when we don't, we compromise, he'll walk around the little markets on holiday with me and enjoy it (not a slapped arse face in sight), because he knows I enjoy it, I'll walk further than I really want to, because I enjoy his company and we have a laugh at the time, and because I know he enjoys it. We will also have some time to ourselves, I'll sunbathe and he will go for a run. But when we're together we enjoy each other. I actually look forward to getting home from work.

A partner or husband should enhance your life, not make it worse. Life really is too short to spend it with people who you don't enjoy being with

Crikeyalmighty · 22/03/2022 19:24

@SunnydaleHSAlumna. Blimey— he’s acting like a rigid old man — no kids and in your30’s — your holidays should be great. Please speak up now and feel comfortable saying ‘I would rather ———- even if it’s on your own’ Because if you don’t I can assure you your marriage will die a death over next few years through resentment and contempt. It’s not always affairs or money that end marriages— if he can’t cope with doing things on his own or not always having the day— then do you really want that for another 45 years etc!!!! My H became a lot more rigid in my opinion post 45– got very very fussy indeed about quality of places, bossy at airports, I think his job doesn’t help as it requires a lot of being bossy in hotels and airports with groups of people regularly and doing itineraries. If I’m honest I would enjoy holidays more with my friends — don’t feel bad about that

layladomino · 22/03/2022 19:25

This is far from normal. He is utterly selfish. Thinks only of what he wants. Doesn't care what you want. So everything ends up being done to please him. That is no way to love.

It is sooooo much better being single than unhappily married.

MissAmbrosia · 22/03/2022 19:38

Absolutely he sounds like a miserable, abusive git. I go away with my friends and we have fizzy wine for breakfast and laugh like drains all weekend, and I do admit that family trips are much more sedate, but we still have fun.

Cotonsugar · 22/03/2022 19:42

It sounds like it’s all about him, what he wants and not about what you want. This is why you feel dread because your needs are not being met and you are realising this. Follow your gut instinct and do what you think is right; either tell him that compromises have to be made on holiday or you will have separate holidays with your sister or friends. When something isn’t right your body will tell you, i.e. feeling dread. Good luck.

GentlemanJayFab · 22/03/2022 20:08

I got to not wanting to go on holiday with my ex wife. It showed up how different we were. She was more hard work than the kids.

Wimbunds · 22/03/2022 20:16

But it does put me off standing my ground more, because the thought of it happening again is awful He's trained you to obey him. If you don't do as he demands, he punishes you so you don't repeat the behaviour. This is abusive.

Penguinsmum · 22/03/2022 20:23

He sounds absolutely horrible! Don't you deserve better?

Eddielizzard · 22/03/2022 20:34

He sounds exhausting and controlling. This is no life.

Ratatoo · 22/03/2022 22:20

He wanted you to race him at laps? What a prick, I would LTB for that alone

venusandmars · 22/03/2022 22:27

dh and I can have tensions at home when we're balancing the pressures of life. At home, I find myself craving some space (wfh was challenging).

But it always delights me that on holiday when we're together pretty much 24/7, everything is easy and lovely. Even when we had 4 weeks in a campervan.

Changemaname1 · 22/03/2022 22:34

Bless you op if you have to ask are holidays ( a thing people literally do for fun ) meant to be fun with your dp then I think he’s really done a number on you

I don’t believe for one second he is only like this on holiday. He sounds like an arsehole . Having been in a relationship with an arsehole I’d really have a think about what you want your so young don’t tie yourself down into misery 😔

NandorTheRelentlessCleaner · 22/03/2022 22:37

So he wants you to always do what he wants?!

Holidays are totally on his terms (his non-fun terms)

What the heck?!

Is your entire relationship about what he wants???

user1471519931 · 22/03/2022 22:48

Do you want children (with this man)? If so it will be tough going if he can't compromise and you will have to mitigate his stroppiness towards the kids (but they will be aware of it)