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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Holidays can be fun?

134 replies

SunnydaleHSAlumna · 22/03/2022 13:38

I've been with my DH for a long time and I've been questioning our relationship and I've had an experience this weekend which has kind of blown my mind.

I went down to London this weekend with my sister for the night to see a show, something which I've never done before as I've only been away with DH (no DC).

But I feel really almost confused because it was so... easy. It was relaxed and fun and lovely and we got along well and were thoughtful of each other and I wasn't constantly in my head, giving myself a pep talk to get through it. I can't stop thinking about how easy and stress free it was, and how much of a contrast to going away with DH.

I wanted to post because I wanted to know if other people have fun when they go away with their partners? I think I kind of always assumed that holidays or nights away were just always stressful. Was being away with my sister just a completely random fluke of loveliness or is this what life really has the potential to be?

OP posts:

BlingLoving · 22/03/2022 15:27

@SunnydaleHSAlumna don't take this the wrong way but how on earth do you think you like the same things? He wants to WALK WALK WALK and you don't. And no,I don't think it's just an "intensity thing" if you like to walk a bit but not CONSTANTLY. eg, I quite like generally ambling around while I'm on holiday - eg wondering around a part of a city but I would absolutely hate it if I had to walk from Destination A to Destination B (eg from hotel to planned excursion) for the sake of it. I would not consider option 1 and option 2 to be liking the same kind of thing but at different intensities.

You like to eat out on holiday, both at lunch and in the evening, ideally with a bit of a buzz. He won't eat at lunch (cheap?) and doesn't like queues so insists on eating out early which is less fun. Again, this isn't just different levels of "intensity".

He wants to be back and watch TV. You want to relax and enjoy the sunset.

These things are NOT similar. I suspect he's convinced you they are so that you look unreasonable, "But look, we both like walking, I don't know why you're getting so het up about this."

grapewines · 22/03/2022 15:28

@Madre123

He may be on the spectrum.....maybe a call to the gp to get him some support...sounds extremely exhausting

Or he's just a run of the mill asshole.

Wallywobbles · 22/03/2022 15:28

God it all sounds miserable.

Mummytobe93 · 22/03/2022 15:33

Bloody hell @SunnydaleHSAlumna quite a drip feed isn’t it?

So in addition to being annoying prick on holidays he called you fat and lazy for not wanting to do what he wants …

It’s an emotional abuse when you’re being punished for not doing exactly what he says.

Just leave that miserable bastard OP and live your best life with friends and family - I guarantee you will LOVE it

JustJam4Tea · 22/03/2022 15:34

What's the rest of your life like?

My husband is quite controlling, likes things to be done his way and can make holidays/every day life incredebly stressful.

But...generally speaking we get on fairly well on holiday - as I've learnt to stop trying to make it right for him and to do the stuff I want to do. Also we both like eating well on holiday which makes a huge difference.

And he's not a complete arsehole.

You just don't sound very compatible.

Mummytobe93 · 22/03/2022 15:35

You should change the title this thread to

“Life can be fun?”

I can’t imagine he only behaves this way when on holiday. The answer is “yes”

Eueike · 22/03/2022 15:42

Imagine having a child with this misery?

Mummacake · 22/03/2022 16:00

Holidays are supposed to be relaxing and enjoyable. Your holidays sound awful! He's incredibly selfish and demanding. Quite honestly, I don't know how you tolerate it. Is he like that at home too?

VagueSemblance · 22/03/2022 16:05

Awful update, just plain nasty.

Different activity levels are not the problem here. The way he treats you sounds miserable. Does he expect you to do everything his way at home too?

Shoxfordian · 22/03/2022 16:05

I think I remember your other post; I really don’t know why you’ve stayed with this misery

BitOutOfPractice · 22/03/2022 16:06

I think you can have fun on holiday with anyone you actually like. And he sounds deeply, deeply unlikable.

Is he so regimented and controlling at home?

Original poster

SunnydaleHSAlumna · 22/03/2022 16:09

I didn't mean to dripfeed @mummytobe93 - I didn't even really remember that story about the previous holiday until @ravenmum asked me what would happen if I got on the bus and just let him walk and it came back to me.

A few of you have asked about daily life, and to be honest we don't spend loads of time together but it can be much the same. He does what he wants, and I fit myself in around him and pick up all his slack. We are having issues, I won't lie and I've posted about it before. I've started seeing a counsellor to try and work through some things before making a final decision and haven't had chance to speak to her about this yet.

I think this has struck me so much because okay I feel miserable in my marriage but I felt like if we split up I would be swapping one set miserable for another. But now I'm thinking what if there are nice bits too?

OP posts:

WhatsErFace2020 · 22/03/2022 16:10

Holidays ExDH - always what he wanted to do...or go etc even down to eating dinner then literally nothing else?! We had no children, why in the hell wouldn’t we at least one night go out and have fun 🙄
New and improved DH - holidays are amazing...even saddled with children.

OP he sounds unbearable and if you stay with him please start to put your foot down and find your voice, you’re allowed to holiday however you wish to..so do!

Mojoj · 22/03/2022 16:10

The reason you don't enjoy yourself on holiday with your husband is because it's very clearly HIS holiday and you only get to do what HE wants to do. Why don't you just go on holiday with a pal or your sister? Way more fun.

ravenmum · 22/03/2022 16:12

How do you think you would be miserable without him?

EssexLioness · 22/03/2022 16:14

There’s always one idiot on these posts quick to shout ‘autism’ as an explanation for emotionally abusive assholes. Autism doesn’t make you shout at your wife or call her fat and lazy! 🙄

OP sorry you are going through this. He sounds really awful and you deserve better. Yes, holidays should be fun and relaxing with both people getting to enjoy their time, even if that sometimes means going off and doing their own thing. He sounds like a controlling bully. How is he at other times? Im guessing he doesn’t treat you with the kindness and respect you deserve then either

AliasGrape · 22/03/2022 16:15

This can't just be a holiday thing- a man who can shout at you and call you fat and lazy and make you cry just because you don't want to get off the bus early for no reason, I'm sure that man isn't sweetness and light all the rest of the time either.

My DH and I have a different picture of what a perfect holiday would look like, in that I do enjoy lazy days on the beach reading one book after another in between dips in the sea, he prefers to be hiking up some ridiculous hill or maybe off fishing. Or he likes to go somewhere rainy and sit in the pub, weirdo. But we have enough common ground that we still have lots of fun - and anyway we have a toddler now so both our ideals are out of the window and we have a different kind of fun.

The thing that stands out in your post is that there's no room in his world for compromise or trying something not completely his own way. DH doesn't want to lie on the beach all day and I dont want to climb a hill in the heat, but he's happy for me to spend the afternoon in the sun reading whilst be does his big walk, he wouldn't have a tantrum because I didn't go with him. Then we'd do something we both enjoy in the evening like eat and drink too much

AwayInMyMind · 22/03/2022 16:19

He sounds like a controlling bully OP. Even worse that he is like this day to day too.

I have the best time with my DP on holidays and days out. We do both like doing the same things but are are not so ridged in our thinking that plans can't change. We have decisions together.

Honestly, if he called me names, I'd be out of here.

Quartz2208 · 22/03/2022 16:20

Yes I agree there is no compromise - everything is him and you just fit yourself around him and if you dont you get called names.

That is how a relationship should be. And yes holidays should be like it is with your sister

Peakypolly · 22/03/2022 16:23

My DH and I enjoy different things on holiday. When we were a new couple I think we expected to do everything together when away and tbh, this was pretty miserable and we had some massive rows. As years have passed, and maybe having DC helped with this, we realised that it was fine for me to have a wander round the local town and for him to disappear up a mountain.
What you are talking about is an unnecessary level of discomfort. Surely neither of you are happy in the relationship?

that1970shouse · 22/03/2022 16:29

Holidays with your DH and no children should absolutely be fun for both of you. My DH and I prefer different types of holiday so we compromise. We used to take it in turns to pick (so his choice one time, mine the next) but we'd always give some thought to what the other likes. So the one of us that likes lying on a sunbed by the pool all day might pick an all-inclusive resort, but will make sure it's in an area where we can do one or two day trips to other places of interest. Or one of us might book a city break but make sure that instead of non-stop sightseeing, there is plenty of down time and finding nice bars for a relaxing drink.

Your problem is that your husband will not compromise at all. Everything has to be completely on his terms or you're ruining his holiday. But he doesn't care that he is ruining your holiday. The reason other posters are saying he must be like this in everyday life, not just on holiday, is that he comes across as someone who doesn't care one jot for your feelings, welfare and happiness, but who only sees you as existing to provide for his needs.

Ask him if he cares about what you want. If he says you're ruining his holiday, tell him that he's ruining yours. Stop being so apologetic and trying to soothe his feelings. He doesn't care about yours.

Arcadia · 22/03/2022 16:34

@Sunnytwobridges

I really get this. I didn't enjoy holidaying with my ex at all. I think the main reason is that he never showed any passion for anything. Just very emotionless unless he had something to bitch about, like the traffic, or the state of the hotel room, the food or whatever. I could never tell if he really enjoyed the holiday or not and I always felt like I could be holidaying with anyone, even a stranger, as I didn't feel like we "shared" an experience together when we went. He was the same on date nights, I realized I had more fun with my girlfriends than I did with him.

I really relate to this! Lack of enthusiasm makes everything so dull

Hoppinggreen · 22/03/2022 16:35

Me and DH like different things but we still manage to enjoy ourselves on holiday.
The issue isn’t holidays, it’s because your H is awful.
You said you planned to leave after you posted before but you haven’t yet, why? Is it that you changed your mind or that you forgot how badly he treated you?
Please seriously consider how great your life could be without him

thesugarbumfairy · 22/03/2022 16:45

Jesus. He's horrible.
From what you've said OP - there is NO reason to stay in the marriage. None at all.

PingPages · 22/03/2022 16:59

@SunnydaleHSAlumna

I didn't mean to dripfeed *@mummytobe93 - I didn't even really remember that story about the previous holiday until @ravenmum* asked me what would happen if I got on the bus and just let him walk and it came back to me.

Your situation is absolutely not “normal” no, not for people in normal healthy relationships. It’s true that not every one couple wants to do the same thing all the time and that includes holidays, but the healthy outcome of that is doing some things separately, compromise - not nasty name calling, controlling behaviour until the other person just shuts up and goes along with it. You deserve a better life than this….

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