Husband walked out tonight

[Username2101]

In the past few weeks my steady reliable husband has changed drastically. He went on a works party and basically came back a different person, he's become extremely focused about his weight. He's going out every weekend with "friends" he's never mentioned before, he's coming home later and later from work and making excuses to get out of the house.

I confronted him tonight and asked him very bluntly wtf is going on, I mean all this basically screams other woman. He started going on about him wanting to spend time with his friends and that he's the ONLY person in the whole wide world who has to ask for permission. (He doesn't)

I told him if he wanted his freedom so badly he can pack his bags, piss off and have it permanently. He walked out and went to stay with his friend, the friend who has regular parties with all the local 18 year old girls who think that a 45 year old man with a big house and a swimming pool is exciting.

Now I'm panicking, what on earth do I tell the children in the morning about where their daddy has gone, I have 2 months left of my degree and I'm at bloody placement until May. How am I meant to advise people about their lives when mine is a disaster.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you but I promise you , you will get through this and you’ll be stronger honestly , I was in your shoes 12 years ago when having just had my dd who was newborn, my x h turned round coldly one day while we were watching tv and said he didn’t love me and he didn’t think he ever did , I was rocked to the core however to make it worse he instead blamed me , accused me of being a monster , laid out all my failings and for two years denied Another Person.. instead I spent two years jumping through hoops trying to be the perfect wife while he slept in another room telling me I disgusted him .. I finally found the evidence that he’d be having an affair with his employee , a woman I knew well and had welcomed into my home and that it started when I was 34 weeks pregnant and he went to a works party that “partners weren’t invited to “ he turned out he’d been “crying on her shoulder for two years before that telling her what a terrible person I was and had completely re written our marriage …I walked out with the kids the next day . They immediately moved in together .. but I’m happy .. And realised that he’d actually been very controlling and emotionally abusive for years . He did come crawling back at one point and I showed him the door .. you sound amazing and you have done nothing wrong and don’t deserve this ..he is a piece of crap .. I swear they work from a handbook for arseholes

There are some truly, incredible brave women on here, thank you so much for sharing your stories.

I contacted my practice educator and asked to go back to work tomorrow. I need to focus on something that isn't this.

I told him he can have the girls Friday, every other weekend and half the holidays. Which I'm sure shit him up because of his precious job.

He got a huge promotion not too long ago and it's like he has this image in his head of what that should look like.

Designer clothes ✔️
Get thin ✔️
Big car ✔️

The only thing missing is the trophy wife, I obviously did not fit that ideal.

I think he's had his head turned by someone at work and if he hadn't slept with her before he will now.

Sounds like he's got a bit too big for his boots.

Don't worry that will change, his delight with himself for being so fabulous will be displaced by his familie's revulsion of what he has done.

I'm affraid no matter what happens, regardless of whether he comes to his senses, you AND your children's view of him has been altered irrevocably.

He has shown himself to be a disloyal, irresponsible father and partner, I'm sorry for the discovery.

He at present has no idea how his choices are going to diminish his reputation, he has obviously been taken in by his peer's decisions in life, he's a sheep and not the admirable man you thought he was.

It's such a shock.
What a fool he is.

So bloody predictable, you must all be so dissapointed in him, pathetic man.
One day he will notice the look of disgust in his children's faces, at the moment he's blinded by his own selfishness.

My ex husband of 20 years did this to me too OP. Twice. Classic midlife crisis.
When he did it the third time I told him to sling his hook.
He tried to get half my house in the divorce but got nothing as I owned it outright before we got married.
Then of course he wanted to come back because he was skint but I said no way.
Now he's in massive debt living in a bedsit and his latest girlfriend is an absolute dog. He's coming up to 50 and not attractive to women any more and from what I hear regretting every second of leaving.
Tough shit isn't it. I was ok, you will be ok. You just need to get over the shock and start thinking straight again. You can do it. You will be ok. Your kids will be ok. He won't, he has made a very bad decision and will be left thinking he was a complete prick to give it all up. Give it time.
SW have problems too. We're all human.

Solicitor.
Check financials.
Make sure he takes his girls - he may say he can't because he hasn't got a place yet. Record that and any other time he lets them down.

Don't let it get to your girls.

Another woman 100%
Get a solicitor.

@Username2101

There are some truly, incredible brave women on here, thank you so much for sharing your stories.

I contacted my practice educator and asked to go back to work tomorrow. I need to focus on something that isn't this.

I told him he can have the girls Friday, every other weekend and half the holidays. Which I'm sure shit him up because of his precious job.

He got a huge promotion not too long ago and it's like he has this image in his head of what that should look like.

Designer clothes ✔️
Get thin ✔️
Big car ✔️

The only thing missing is the trophy wife, I obviously did not fit that ideal.

I think he's had his head turned by someone at work and if he hadn't slept with her before he will now.

There will be some skank waiting in the wings no doubt. Currently going through similar xx

There will be some skank waiting in the wings no doubt. Currently going through similar xx

The only 'skank' is her husband.

Hi if it was me I would say to your children that their dad is staying at a friends for a few days, and he would like them to spend the weekend with them. He has a pool, they are his children too so let him have them for the weekend. His friend won’t want him their with the children, he won’t be able to have his sex parties. Gives you time to do some work. I would have thought special exemption should be given from university.

There will be some skank waiting in the wings no doubt That's horrible language

What a shit bag.

@BR1967

If you find another woman is involved tell him you will be sure to let her know he only has 50% of a big house and pool. And will have---50% child care too!!!! That ought to be thought provoking!

Confused

Why would he only have 50% of a property that is owned by the OW?
If he and the OP divorce
And he goes halves on a property with OW
The OP would have no claim to it whatsoever

* There will be some skank waiting in the wings no doubt. Currently going through similar xx*

@cantbelieveheletmedown

The “skank” is the husband. And your husband.

@crosstalk

Solicitor. Check financials. Make sure he takes his girls - he may say he can't because he hasn't got a place yet. Record that and any other time he lets them down. Don't let it get to your girls.

I’ve never understand this approach to try and thrust your children on a departed dad.

When my ex and I divorced…. No way would I have wanted them sleeping on a camp bed in a stranger’s home or a inadequately sized flat. No way would I have wanted them spending time with someone who I’d had to push them on to.

Just to prove a point

He’s living in an imaginary bubble. I call the the Peter Stringfellow syndrome. However, the reality is that he’ll have very little disposable income, he’ll have his kids EOW and half the holidays, and unless he expects to stay with his friend indefinitely he’s also homeless. Once the OW realises this she’ll be long gone.

@nolookingdown
The “skank” is the husband. And your husband.

You do realise there’s no limit to the amount of skanks don’t you? Just because he’s a skank doesn’t mean the OW isn’t. This smacks of you trying to justify your actions.

I always joked that if we split I would be going for 50/50..

But when it came to it I couldn't do that to the kids. They see him once a fortnight for the day (youngest refuses to sleep over, eldest has tried it but isn't eager). I've even paid for childcare and babysitting rather than tell them they have to go to him, and they prefer it.

If I was him, I would be heartbroken by them caring so little for me.

I’m so sorry OP.

Can’t imagine the hurt you must be feeling right now.

It does sound like he’s in a mindset of wanting to have the freedom to go out and do what he likes. Like the responsibility of being a husband and father is getting in his way of having a good time and freedom to do as he pleases. Like he’s missing out on things.
The sheer u-turn of his behaviour does make it sound like a full on mid life crisis or something!

It may be that the works party gave him a ‘look at what I’m missing out on’ feeling and even if there isn’t a specific woman he’s attracted to or has done anything with, he is giving off vibes of someone who at least wants the ‘freedom’ to pursue other women.

I think that you are being very strong, even though it probably doesn’t feel like it right now!

I’m half expecting him want to come back to you, when he realises that this ‘being on his own’ thing, isn’t all its cracked up to be. Because it feels like he’s made a snap decision that’s he’s really going to regret at some point.

The problem is, for you the damage is done. He’s made his bed. He can lie in it now

[quote Grasping]@nolookingdown
The “skank” is the husband. And your husband.

You do realise there’s no limit to the amount of skanks don’t you? Just because he’s a skank doesn’t mean the OW isn’t. This smacks of you trying to justify your actions.[/quote]
You’re going through a bad split
So understandably clearly in a bad place and on knife edge

But assuming someone is the OW just because they don’t automatically see the OW as a “skank”… is odd

@Username2101

My 17 year old DD heard everything and cried herself to sleep. The younger two are still asleep. I had a chat with her this morning, I don't even know what to say beyond I'm sorry.

I spent most of last night replaying the past few weeks in my head. He really has changed so much.

He hasn't sent one message since he walked out.

He's spending time with a man who parties with girls only a year older than your DD and presumably he's spending time with these young woman too?;that's vomit inducing.

Is this 45 year pervert his boss?

Sounds like your DH is in the midst of a mid life crisis and is acting accordingly so.

At one sliver lining is that you have a good career lined up to provide stability for you and the children even if it's not immediate.

Time to start protecting yourself.Find a decent divorce solicitor;get your documentation/financial info together and find out where you stand.

Start looking info what benefits your entitled to and CSA.

This man is no longer your friend.Do not trust him as it sounds like he's out for himself.

Personally I think it's okay to refer to someone who would knowingly sleep with a married man as a skank. The man is also a skank. Plenty of skanky behaviour to go around, sadly.

I am so sorry OP that this is happening to you. I totally empathise as virtually the same happened to me when I was much much younger and I was not married with children. However, it was a long term boyfriend and we were living together. He got a new job and had to go on a two week training course about 2 hours drive away in a hotel. He went on the Sunday night and popped back on the Wednesday and I could tell instantly that something had massively changed. That weekend he came home and was so odd and I knew something was seriously wrong. No point going into war and peace about what happened but by the end of the two weeks I had moved out and he was on a fast track to marry a girl he met on the course and they went on to have children together. Through the power of FB I have deduced he has since married again but literally his behaviour changed overnight and yes, someone certainly turned his head.

Talk to your university support staff, get it on record that you are dealing with this so that if you need to request extensions / extenuating circumstances later you have an evidence trail to come back to. You may also get access to financial and other support

Checking in to see how you’re doing today. and send some hugs to you and your girls.

@LadyCordeliaFitzgerald

Checking in to see how you’re doing today. and send some hugs to you and your girls.

I'm ok, I'm just trying to drag myself through. My girls are utterly heartbroken and have been crying on and off all day. Im trying to reassure them and I won't slag him off to them. They don't need to suffer more than they are already. School know what's happened now and are going to put support in place for them.

I told my family and they have been rallying around which is nice.

All the bills are in his name, I'm not even sure where to start.
He said he will cover this months bills at least so it gives me some breathing room to get organised.

This thread has been a huge help, I think it's helped me to realise that this man is not the one I remember anymore and to plan accordingly.