Husband walked out tonight

[Username2101]

In the past few weeks my steady reliable husband has changed drastically. He went on a works party and basically came back a different person, he's become extremely focused about his weight. He's going out every weekend with "friends" he's never mentioned before, he's coming home later and later from work and making excuses to get out of the house.

I confronted him tonight and asked him very bluntly wtf is going on, I mean all this basically screams other woman. He started going on about him wanting to spend time with his friends and that he's the ONLY person in the whole wide world who has to ask for permission. (He doesn't)

I told him if he wanted his freedom so badly he can pack his bags, piss off and have it permanently. He walked out and went to stay with his friend, the friend who has regular parties with all the local 18 year old girls who think that a 45 year old man with a big house and a swimming pool is exciting.

Now I'm panicking, what on earth do I tell the children in the morning about where their daddy has gone, I have 2 months left of my degree and I'm at bloody placement until May. How am I meant to advise people about their lives when mine is a disaster.

OP I hope you're OK this morning. It must seem unreal. You will get through this. You absolutely can do it.

I have read your posts and I’m so sorry you and your girls are going through this. What a fool he has been. Please be kind and gentle to yourself and your girls, whoever likened this to a bereavement is right. Your life has just changed drastically and you need time to process it, grieve for it and then rebuild.

You sound like a phenomenal woman and mother and you will be a blessing as a social worker. I think for now you just keep putting one foot in front of the other and take any help that is offered. God bless x

Your degree won't be down the toilet, you might have the option to repeat the year and final placement. I know that isn't ideal or what you planned, but remember you have options. I don't know what your placement involves but it might be wise to avoid work on it that gets too close to the bone? Huge best of luck to you.

I'm so sorry you and your children are going through this. Men don't do this unless there's another woman somewhere in the wings. Be prepared for the emotional rollcoaster once he realises the grass isn't greener and want his cushy life back.

You sound so strong OP. In a year’s time you will be in a much better place - qualified as a social worker, in a better financial position and you the pain will have lessened. It’s going to be tough to get there but take it a day at a time. Focus on your qualification and your girls, they’re all the distraction you need. I have no advice re benefits but it’s a short term problem, you’ll get through. And I guarantee that before long he will realise what he’s lost and be begging to come back.

For what it’s worth, my DH did something similar pre kids. He hadn’t cheated but had his head turned by a young, pretty girl at work. Like you, I knew something wasn’t right and confronted him. It all came out and we separated. It was such a cliche. I wasn’t as strong as you and there were no kids involved and after about 6 months (and counselling) we reconciled. We are incredibly happy and have 2 children now but I’m also much stronger (and have spent a lot of time on mumsnet since ) and would absolutely not stand for it again. I also couldn’t bear to watch him break our kids’ hearts in that way and ever see him in the same way. DH knows this and hasn’t set a foot out of line since - it was over 5 years ago now.

You and your girls will be ok - show them what strong women are made of

Wow, so helpful to the OP!
It was also a crap comment for op to make.

If that's your idea of respectful engagement, why bother.

Same applies for your repose surely?,

You tell the children " I don't understand where Daddy is at in his life, that's for him to explain to all of us. But you and I are just going to carry on as usual for now; lucky I'm almost qualified. After my exams I'm going to look for a job. Whatever happens, I love you."

You don't have to explain or make excuses for DH; leave all that to him.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your girls.

Arsehole.
He's not a good dad either.

The ow will surface soon enough.
He'll have a "new girlfriend" who he 'just met' on show before the next wet day.

I’m glad you’re taking the day with the girls to eat junk food and just be together. They will always remember how strong you’ve been for them this week!
It’s great that your placement have been supportive. Have you told your university lecturer/ mentor so they can support you too?
I agree with a pp, you will get through this. You are strong enough to do so, you’ll finish your degree and will creat the best life for your children.
He will soon see what an idiot he’s been and how much stronger you are without him!
Don’t be afraid to grieve, you’ve lost him but it’s genuinely for the best and at some point you will see you didn’t need him.
This week he’s shown another side that sadly your girls have seen too. At some point he will need to make it up to them but that’s all on him.
You’re doing the right thing, don’t message him.
Get your life sorted for you and your children!

Find out who the best solicitor for divorce is in your area. Ask women you know who are divorced. Get ahead.

This happened to me too, my heart breaks for you and your children, but you will get through this.

My "D"H turned into someone I didn't recognise overnight, he was the most loving, caring, generous person I ever met and told me every day he loved me. But then one day he told me it was over, After that he was cold, dismissive and couldn't give a shit about anyone's feelings but his own. He was no longer the man I fell in love with, he became a different person, he insisted it's how he always felt, but hid his true personality?!

Even his own mother didn't recognise who he became and we both convinced ourselves he must have had a head injury or something. I can still remember my MIL sobbing saying "He's not my son, he wouldn't do that". He tried to paint a picture of 15 years of unhappy marriage that I didn't recognise, nor did any of our family and friends.

That was nearly 3 years ago now and a lot has happened since, but ultimately my DD and I are happy and settled now. I don't think he regrets what he did, in his head he was justified in leaving like that, he still doesn't care that he hurt us both.

I was recommended (by someone on mumsnet I think) a book called "Runaway husbands" by Vikki Stark, it really helped me and gave me some coping strategies.

Tell him to be an adult and a father and a husband. Tell him that your 17 year old overheard and is upset and probably is disgusted by him.

Tell him to get his arse back here to pull his weight with the kids and home and after you've done your degree you can discuss where the relationship is going.

@SophieSoSo

Your lovely post made me well up. Stop being so nice!

[quote Isittimeformynapyet]@SophieSoSo

Your lovely post made me well up. Stop being so nice![/quote]
I’m horrible in real life promise

My steady reliable dh fucked off last year. I was a mess for a few months. Doing OK.
Sorry OP, a shit time and shit timing.
You can do it though. Take all the support you can get.
What a loser he is.

Practice educator here. You're so close to the end, you can do this. Please speak to uni and your placement, they'll really want to help you get to end.

Wishing you strength & all the best for you & your children. You'll be a wonderful social worker. You are a wonderful mum.

Iamabiggangster "I suspect mine felt a bit threatened that I was about to qualify into a better position than him and that all my attention wasn’t focused on him" - I was thinking how to word that myself. OP's situation 100% shouts this. He wants to boost his ego with someone he can impress and feel superior to. It's embarrassing. I think you have outgrown him OP, but have been too busy and trusting to spot the early signs that will have been there. Pathetic man. He would have to be in the grip of psychosis, for me to feel even remotely able to accept and move on from this. That's unlikely.

I am so sorry OP . I am just going to echo what all the previous posters have said, he will be the loser (a bigger one than he already is) in the end of all this, and you are going to be the one coming out of this a happier person. You will have your degree, the respect of your children, and your head held high. Talk to your tutors, they'll understand and might help make things easier for you. I don't know how it all works with placements, however they are there to support you and I'm sure something can be worked out.

If there is another woman, she'll no doubt chuck him when it becomes full time and the excitement is gone, and he'll be left all alone in his flat/bedsit having lost the respect of those he loved and living with what he's dine, all because of a mid life crisis and being easy led by a friend in a posh house who lusts after 18 year olds. Tragic! If there's not another woman involved, then he'll come out his selfish 'grass is greener' mid life crisis to discover what he has lost (and very much deaerved to lose).

Hold your head up high, stay classy, and when you are around him, I'd advise you to act like you really don't care, that'll shake him, especially when things inevitably start to unravel for him.

You've got this! You are a strong person and I admire your strength and courage in all this

*done
*deserved

My heart goes off to you . You haven’t done anything wrong or that any of us here wouldn’t do I’m sure . Unfortunately it also means you get the brunt of the consequences of his actions to dela with .
For now maybe tell them he had to work ( how old are they ) and then decide on what you want ?
Cheating is a one way street for me so if this was me that’s the one thing I cannot forgive .
I’m truly sorry but it seems another woman is involved and he got all excited he can do this and forgot he had a family .
Hugs

Good god, what a stupid man. Leaving an intelligent woman to hang around with girls just a couple of years older than his own daughter. Make sure the pathetic specimen pulls his weight with childcare - get an agreement set up asap so you know where you are with working hours and he doesn't get to delegate all the parenting to you and pretend to himself that he's fancy free.

@Username2101

I'm a student social worker, I'm so fucking angry he's doing this now. If he isn't cheating yet, he has plans for it. I don't know where to go from here. I've been cheated on once by a previous partner, I won't tolerate it again.

I wasn't even bothered about him going out, I was more angry that I'm left to do a full time placement, uni work and come home spend all my evenings and weekends cleaning and looking after the kids whilst he's off having fun.

Men really are so so shit.

I’m pleased you’ve spoken to placement but make sure to contact the uni too, they may be able to offer additional help and support. How far through your placement are you? It might be worth planning what you have coming up in terms of portfolio/essays - you can then communicate with him the days he can have the children, making it work for you/uni

I’m so sorry that he’s done this to you and your girls, he’s a complete dickbag.

I know it's a nightmare but stay dignified for the sake of your DCs. This is terrible for you all but if you embark on open warfare with him you will be cutting your DCs in half. It must be hugely tempting to smash his car windows etc but I promise you it will come back to haunt you because it will damage your lovely daughters.

I'm so sorry this has happened.