Husband walked out tonight

[Username2101]

In the past few weeks my steady reliable husband has changed drastically. He went on a works party and basically came back a different person, he's become extremely focused about his weight. He's going out every weekend with "friends" he's never mentioned before, he's coming home later and later from work and making excuses to get out of the house.

I confronted him tonight and asked him very bluntly wtf is going on, I mean all this basically screams other woman. He started going on about him wanting to spend time with his friends and that he's the ONLY person in the whole wide world who has to ask for permission. (He doesn't)

I told him if he wanted his freedom so badly he can pack his bags, piss off and have it permanently. He walked out and went to stay with his friend, the friend who has regular parties with all the local 18 year old girls who think that a 45 year old man with a big house and a swimming pool is exciting.

Now I'm panicking, what on earth do I tell the children in the morning about where their daddy has gone, I have 2 months left of my degree and I'm at bloody placement until May. How am I meant to advise people about their lives when mine is a disaster.

I hope you've contacted the CMS so that he can pay for his children. His fat promotion will help financially.

What an arse. You deserve so, so much better. This experience will help you support many others in the future. For now get your paperwork together and focus on the kids.

Sorry sounds familiar. They may not be another woman (or man let's be inclusive) but he's coveting the lifestyle of his friend. Can completely relate because it's too eerily similar, I'm happily in another relationship now but 4 years ago I could have been you

He's a pathetic cliche but you can do this OP.

What assets do you have as a married couple? Does he have a good pension/savings/shares/premium bonds/car?

Do you have a joint bank acct?

You should be entitled to UC to pay rent etc. And of course he will have to pay Child maintenance. Not sure what the rates are now but would have been 20% of net income for two or more DC in my day.

Don't waste time wondering about why he has changed or what he's doing - just concentrate on you and the DC. Can anyone give you RL support whilst you get your head round all this?

I just want to reassure you that it will get better. It feels disastrous now and you can’t see the end at all. The kids look never endingly sad. It does get better, they crying slows down from you and them. The hard choices get made, stuff gets sorted and eventually it will be ok.

Sitting in my own bath, in my own cottage whilst DD is off happily having an evening with her Dad (my ex husband). I’m not even slightly sad and neither is she anymore. It will be ok in the end

He will cover THIS month’s bills? What a pig. He will have lots to cover. Slay him. My ex husband started cheating after a promotion and ended up with someone over 20 years younger than us. He took up jujitsu and became a real prick. I never expected it and don’t really know how I lived through it, but you are stronger than you think. When it happened I was 47 and my mom, now deceased, said THANK GOD this happened while you are still young. I have almost 20 years with him and felt old. But she said you could have spent your whole life with someone who did not deserve your love. His departure was the most painful betrayal I could have imagined, but I am stronger and there has been so Ich more room in my life for friendships, personal growth, closeness to my children, and perhaps real romantic love (early days). You will get through this and you will be better for it. He is not a good man.

Dirtyduck - I think there is clone fracture out there - could have written your post word for word

This is so similar to what happened to my DM. I was 15 at the time - I’m now about to turn 40, so very much on the other side. And there is an other side, I just want you to know that. It will be tough but keep plodding on one step at a time and you will come through. What you said about your H being so cold… so was my dad. It was awful. But some years later my DM remarried to a really great guy, who my ds calls Grandpa… his biological grandfather is not in our lives because of the choices he made.

DM and DStepdad are really happy. Were all happy. We’re all ok. You will be too. It gets better, it honestly does.

Much love to you and your dc

factory!

Loving reading all the messages of support.

You and your girls will get through this !

Excellent he can start having the children this weekend.

"He said he will cover this months bills"

Ha ha ha ha ha! He has NO idea does he?

Hi OP,

This sound so tough with everything else going on. It’s really sad how some men are so caught up in their own feelings that they don’t spend anytime thinking about how hard it is for their partners who try to balance it all.

I wonder if taking a different tactic with him would work? I.e. Pretend you’re coming at it from a really concerned point of view, be empathising and play the understanding wife (although you have every right not to be) to see what’s really going on and get him to open up. He may surprise you and put all his cards on the table…then you may feel better about any decision you make, knowing you gave him a fair chance to explain himself.

Good luck with it and know you’re not alone. I hope you have support around you.

He has had his head turned. What a weak man. You deserve much better. Use the advice on here. The vipers will defend you and your DC. Do ask for and use the support available on your course.

He's so obviously going to come crawling back when he realises how much this is going to cost him and how living like a student isn't that much when you're his age. But he's shown his true colours and lack of commitment to his family now, hasn't he?

This happened to me 2:5 years ago (there was another woman who he now lives with). The story is so so similar, and I recall the absolute devastation we all felt at that time. I’m very practical, so I immediately opened my own bank account, made sure child benefit went into it, took him off the council tax, applied for universal credit, booked a solicitor appt.
Everyone said I was being too hasty, to let the dust settle, but I knew I’d never trust him again. I begged him not to go, begged him to choose us. My daughter wanted to kill herself, as did I…..I even bought the meds for myself. It was horrific……but, I’m still here, and I’m happy and so are my children. It’s been incredibly tough, and I still think of him, and wish it had been different, but it is what it is 🤷‍♀️
He also maintained he would always look after us financially, would never leave us and move away. The children haven’t seen him for 2 years, and he moved an hour away to live with her. He pays minimum maintenance but that’s it. We’ve come to terms that he’s changed (well, they have, I don’t think I ever will fully understand), BUT on the whole we are all happier. Much happier. We have less money, aren’t able to financially do as much but in the Main we don’t miss him.
You WILL find a way through this, and I admire you for going no contact as that’s something I still wrestle with every day. If you can maintain that, and only respond about finances/children I can guarantee it will get easier much more quickly. You’re stronger than I, I felt the need to tell him we were still here, when of course he already knew that.
Youre doing really well, although I appreciate you won’t feel that way. Take your time, just get through each day as best you can.

OP, I haven’t RTFT, just your posts.

7 years ago, my life was pretty much ripped apart overnight by similar. Here’s my advice

1. Keep eating. Small amounts and whatever you can stomach. You need to make decisions and keep the show on the road, food is a necessity.

2. Sleep and if your sleep becomes disrupted ongoing because of this, see your GP and get interim help (they can and will prescribe short term aids in these situations).

3. Right now you’re in taking it a day at a time territory. Nothing more you can do other do that. This situation needs time, bit by bit it will get easier.

4. If you get legal advice, save the emotion and outrage for somewhere else. Lawyers are expensive, use that time to gather facts and how the law works. Not railing at how unfair things are (an affair for example has no impact on financial carving of assets).

5. Do not involve the children and despite his heinous actions try and keep them out of the conflict that he has caused. This part is so hard (trust me I know), but the thing that hurts the children longer term is conflict between the parents. My children to this day do not know what happened between my exh and I and I will never tell them. My children adore their dad (as they should) and me. I managed to separate my divorce and his actions from his relationship with our children. It was not easy.

6. you will get through this. You will.
   I remember (like it was yesterday) sitting in a lawyers office with my head in my hands. Wandering how this had happened to me. Why me. How would I get out of this. So many unknowns.

7 years later, I’m past it. My life is great. My kids and I have a great life. My exh and I are super amicable and we coparent really amicably. It’s taken work but ultimately I had a choice, and I chose to redefine my relationship with him and move forward.

There was an OW. Despite his protests of denial. Didn’t last. And from time to time I see real regret in his face at what he threw away.

I have no answers as to why he did what he did. I no longer care. I’ve rebuilt my life and bit by bit you will too. Trust me. for you x

Don't let you DC go to the playboy mansion just yet, they're reeling and need you. I know it's hard, when mine upped and left he didn't have them overnight for 12 months as he was busy impregnating the ow. Obviously as a mum there's fuck all you can do to force contact but some are suggesting they pop off to see him this weekend,but take a breath first and do what's right for you and DC. Contact time isn't revenge for twattish behaviour

@CherryDocsInYrBalls

Don't let you DC go to the playboy mansion just yet, they're reeling and need you. I know it's hard, when mine upped and left he didn't have them overnight for 12 months as he was busy impregnating the ow. Obviously as a mum there's fuck all you can do to force contact but some are suggesting they pop off to see him this weekend,but take a breath first and do what's right for you and DC. Contact time isn't revenge for twattish behaviour

😂😂😂 "playboy mansion" love it

OP, he really is a walking cliche! I’m heartbroken for you and your girls, what fucking asshole he is. I can’t believe how he treated your girls, what a cold bastard he has revealed himself.

What a piece of shit. If I was your eldest daughter I'd be making his life hell, hes got a girlfriend? Not for long. He wants to fuck about now, but when he's a frail old man that's all shagged out and still single, you can laugh in his spiteful selfish face.

It amazes me these men think looking after their children is optional.

Big hugs, OP.

You sounds like an incredibly strong and wonderful lady! Your kids will get through this because of you!!

You take your time and be kind to yourself OP

It's a classic pattern, I can relate as my ex done this after trying for a baby and finding out we were pregnant. Went stone cold after 5 months and was a different person.

5 years on I cannot tell you how much of a journey it has been. Tough at first but take each day at a time. Fall in love with yourself and your strength. Have quality time with your girls and when it's his turn enjoy the things you like to do.

I look back and am so happy! There is light at the end of the tunnel! You've got this

Fancy house? 18 year olds? Fergie, is that you?

Seriously OP, I think he’s an absolute bastard and an idiot. However, keep a dignified, cool head and you will be fine in the long run. Sounds as though you’ve taken great steps already.