Husband walked out tonight

[Username2101]

In the past few weeks my steady reliable husband has changed drastically. He went on a works party and basically came back a different person, he's become extremely focused about his weight. He's going out every weekend with "friends" he's never mentioned before, he's coming home later and later from work and making excuses to get out of the house.

I confronted him tonight and asked him very bluntly wtf is going on, I mean all this basically screams other woman. He started going on about him wanting to spend time with his friends and that he's the ONLY person in the whole wide world who has to ask for permission. (He doesn't)

I told him if he wanted his freedom so badly he can pack his bags, piss off and have it permanently. He walked out and went to stay with his friend, the friend who has regular parties with all the local 18 year old girls who think that a 45 year old man with a big house and a swimming pool is exciting.

Now I'm panicking, what on earth do I tell the children in the morning about where their daddy has gone, I have 2 months left of my degree and I'm at bloody placement until May. How am I meant to advise people about their lives when mine is a disaster.

@BR1967

If you find another woman is involved tell him you will be sure to let her know he only has 50% of a big house and pool. And will have---50% child care too!!!! That ought to be thought provoking!

The big house and pool belongs to his friend who he has gone to stay with. Sorry if I mumbled that up in my OP

He denied another woman, but I am sure that if he hasn't cheated physically, he did mentally.

He sounds like a total arsehole! Your degree is not in the toilet. Do not let him take that from you as well. Gather your strength, be kind to yourself and remember there is an ending to the pain. He needs to be sharing custody of his children, not off gallivanting around as he has responsibilities. Talk to your placement, your family and friends. I would contact him only on child related matters. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

How am I meant to advise people about their lives when mine is a disaster?

With your experiences, you will be in a better place to advise folks. But don't think about that now.
Focus on the day to day, get a fit note (stress/mental health) and take some time out from placement.

Please complete the degree. You are so close and IF you end up divorced, you will need that career and income.

In your shoes, I would leave dickhead to it. I wouldn't bother messaging for the time being. But , yes, you're dealing with the fall-out (kids).
Your 17yo is old enough to engage with H herself. What about the younger two?

So sorry for what you're going through. Men are such self absorbed, immature pricks (agree not all but A LOT)
What others have said.
Focus on you. Do everything you can to take care of yourself and your girls. Don't give him space in your head. Easier said than done I know. Try therapy and/or meditation to help rewire your thoughts.
You are right to stay classy. Let people judge for themselves and hold your head high. Much more powerful than posting on Facebook. Post here instead and get support from all these amazing women ❤
Write down your goals (finish degree, survive, get out for a walk every day, book a holiday etc.) Meet them because you and your girls deserve a beautiful life full of joy and freedom.

Op, your shock and pain is understandable and it can literally can shake you to your core so physical care is necessary. That means rest and hydration at a minimum.

Do you have family support?

You have rightly determined that there is likely to be OW. The "loved up" state causes them to lose empathy for their wife and children. If they can't handle the guilt and see themselves as a good person they will rewrite history and start a smear campaign against you.

You will get through this, I look back and not quite sure how I survived holding it all together but I did and now feel enormous pride for doing so. You will also be in this position.

I however feel such sadness that my children had to learn how much of a dick their father was/is.

OP, see about putting in a claim for UC if you have not done so. It's good that the rent is in your name only.
I'm not sure what the rules are for full-time students though is check out this site.

www.uceplus.co.uk/students

Please contact your personal tutor, I worked in higher education for years and pastoral care is part of their remit plus extenuating circumstances for deadlines can be taken in to account. Social work wasn’t my field though so I can’t advise on placements.

My friends DH walked out on her last year out of the blue after 25 years together. Her daughters are 15 and 17. He also wanted to find himself there actually hasn’t been OW so far as we know but he just wants to indulge himself. I was so shocked as he so seemed to be one of the good ones.

You can change the locks oops I lost my key scenario at least when if he comes back he will then have to tell you rather than you potentially coming home to him either being there or 2 taking stuff from family home.

@Username2101

I'm a student social worker, I'm so fucking angry he's doing this now. If he isn't cheating yet, he has plans for it. I don't know where to go from here. I've been cheated on once by a previous partner, I won't tolerate it again.

I wasn't even bothered about him going out, I was more angry that I'm left to do a full time placement, uni work and come home spend all my evenings and weekends cleaning and looking after the kids whilst he's off having fun.

Men really are so so shit.

I felt the last 2 paragraphs in my soul.

Sorry this is happening.

However, you sound smart and strong.

Entirely his loss.

Another woman or a man involved here.

@Username2101

He was a very good dad, very hands on. He doted on the girls and they worshipped the ground he walked on.

As a husband he was, I thought he was my soulmate. He was my best friend, I love him deeply. I honestly thought we would be together forever.

As I mentioned in my OP in the last few weeks he started changing and I could feel something was wrong even though he was saying the right things.

The reason I confronted him and this is going to sound odd, but he went to get petrol Monday evening. But for the first time ever, he didn't want to take the girls with him, he was weirdly adamant about it.

The person stood in front of us yesterday was a stranger, a cold empty stranger.

I am angry, very very angry and I want to lash out and put his car windows through. But also very scared, scared for the future. Scared for my children, scared that the degree I slogged my guts out for, for the last three years is down the toilet. Scared of the pain that's coming when the other woman eventually pops up.

I understand exactly what you mean by ''Cold , empty stranger''

Like all personality has gone, just an approximation of who they were, physically, but no warmth or love in their faces.
Almost like an empty puppet.

Re you wanting to put the car windows out, I understand that, as well.
I wanted to turn up at the school where DH worked, barge into the staffroom and mop the floor with both him and ''OW''.

I'm a non violent person, but her denials and cheek ''All's fair in love and war'' made me feel murderous.

Of course the other staff all knew.

However, Mum {120 miles away} advised that I best not do that, and of course, she was right.

It was a dark time, just take it day by day, and expect to feel like shite.

Your whole world has imploded.

As to your being a social worker in training, having gone through turmoil yourself will give insights when working with other people.

Your Degree is not wasted. That will be your passport to financial freedom, hopefully.

Fireflygal writes ''
""You will get through this, I look back and not quite sure how I survived holding it all together but I did and now feel enormous pride for doing so. You will also be in this position""

Ditto.

It's like finally freeing yourself from a bog, a mire, seems almost impossible at times.. but somehow you manage to just hold on.

OP, one day you will look back and say ''We made it''.

You and your lovely Daughters. ⭐️

In the nicest possible way you need to get it together in front of your children. Your husband has left you, not them, so you need to reassure them that they still have a dad who loves them and has not deserted them. You mustn’t position it as you and your girls against him. It’s hard I know but you don’t want them to end up damaged - children aren’t worse off emotionally after divorce UNLESS they witness and experience ongoing conflict.

@Username2101

I am reading through these replies and your stories are breaking my heart, but it helps to know there is an end in sight.

I haven't contacted him since he came yesterday and I won't. I so badly want to put all this on Facebook for all his family and friends to see. I want to ruin his life like he's ruined mine.

I'm trying desperately to stay classy but it's difficult

Whatever you do stay classy, dignified.

Do not post on facebook, your children will see it. Don't smash any of his property up. Don't give him excuses to use in the future.

Ensure he has regular contact with your children. You need some space to get your head sorted. Be strong, you can do this.

Focus on your degree and the love you get from your children, dont go down cayse of this idiot. If he can leave u all behind - LEAVE HIM BEHIND TOO , he's not worth it. (I'm sure he'll come begging once she dunped him too so dont stress yourself at all!)

Morning

Yep, try to keep your dignity. You don't have to keep what he has done a secret, tell
People close to you, but for YOUR & THE GIRLS sake (not his!) keep it off SM.

The way men can change so much so quickly hits you like a bloody bus, even more so when it's towards your kids. Don't even waste your time trying to understand or work out why/when/who. The man you loved has gone, treat it like a bereavement. Look after yourself & your girls, leave him to fuck up his life, not yours!

The BEST social works are the ones that have had life experience where everything hadn't just slotted into place! I'm glad they're being helpful. Finish your degree, you won't regret it!

I hope it's as lively there as it is here today. Maybe go to a garden centre & get some plants (or if you don't have the money supermarket & get seeds) and plant them with the girls today. Nothing like watching things grow!!

You've got this!

Please don't say to him that he has to have the kids or do anything to inadvertently imply to the kids that you don't want them 100% of the time. They need to feel that you are a place of absolute safety and security because their dad has already ripped all that away from them.
Stay angry. But he cold about it - don't be smashing in his windows but make him pay by getting every penny you can possibly get and by making his life harder. Change the locks. You can do this since the house is in your name but also now he has left you have a right to privacy and not have him coming and going at will. My friend did this, the solicitor advised her how. But I'd just do it now anyway because you don't want to come home and find he's walked off with the valuables.
If he is a second card holder on any accounts where you are the primary, cut off his cards today. Otoh, if you are secondary card holder on his credit card, now is the time to buy anything new and expensive! Use it for the food shop even, if he's getting the bill.
Personally I'd clear out all joint bank accounts and then close them. You have kids to support and so you need that money more than him.
Agree with pp about getting legal advice and all the paperwork together asap.
I'm really sorry OP. From now on your husband is gone snd you have to treat this new person as a hostile stranger. It sucks

@ImAvingOops

Please don't say to him that he has to have the kids or do anything to inadvertently imply to the kids that you don't want them 100% of the time. They need to feel that you are a place of absolute safety and security because their dad has already ripped all that away from them. Stay angry. But he cold about it - don't be smashing in his windows but make him pay by getting every penny you can possibly get and by making his life harder. Change the locks. You can do this since the house is in your name but also now he has left you have a right to privacy and not have him coming and going at will. My friend did this, the solicitor advised her how. But I'd just do it now anyway because you don't want to come home and find he's walked off with the valuables. If he is a second card holder on any accounts where you are the primary, cut off his cards today. Otoh, if you are secondary card holder on his credit card, now is the time to buy anything new and expensive! Use it for the food shop even, if he's getting the bill. Personally I'd clear out all joint bank accounts and then close them. You have kids to support and so you need that money more than him. Agree with pp about getting legal advice and all the paperwork together asap. I'm really sorry OP. From now on your husband is gone snd you have to treat this new person as a hostile stranger. It sucks

This ^^ is very good advise.

If he wants to have a midlife crisis then that's his choice but you have to make sure that you are ok and also the kids. Emotionally and also financially.

As others have said check out what benefits you can get. Ask for help with the kids from family and friends so that you can see a solicitor without having to take them.

Take time out for yourself to go over all the thoughts in your head and plan for the future.

Good luck. You will get there. 💐

Yes, stay dignified, but ensure you have some way of blowing off steam and processing your anger. Explosive, physical activity tends to work for a lot of people (running, boxercise, weight-lifting etc.) and/or something creative (painting, poetry etc.).
Sorry, it's probably a bit too early for practical suggestions like this.

OP you and your wonderful daughters will get through this. I promise you. A year from now you will all be safe and secure in your home and money coming in from your social work career. You will have hobbies and friends and interests in your life that you can't even imagine at the moment.
When I went through it, it was the hardest thing that has ever happened to me, but it was also the best.

I absolutely guarantee that he will be back at some point having sampled the life he thinks he wants and asking to come back. It might be in 14 months but I guarantee this will happen.

Starting this minute you need to put everything in place so you can look him in the eye at that point and tell him to fuck right off.

What you describe is what happened to me except I knew who the OW was. He came back and I told him to bugger off and that my life was so much nicer without him, if he thought I was going to go back to the way we were, he was mistaken.

@StooOrangeyForCrows

I absolutely guarantee that he will be back at some point having sampled the life he thinks he wants and asking to come back. It might be in 14 months but I guarantee this will happen.

Starting this minute you need to put everything in place so you can look him in the eye at that point and tell him to fuck right off.

What you describe is what happened to me except I knew who the OW was. He came back and I told him to bugger off and that my life was so much nicer without him, if he thought I was going to go back to the way we were, he was mistaken.

No

You really can’t “absolutely guarantee” that

The person stood in front of us yesterday was a stranger, a cold empty stranger.

I'm sorry to say that when their dick is involved, most men have no scruples whatsoever.

My 17 year old DD heard everything and cried herself to sleep. I had a chat with her this morning, I don't even know what to say beyond I'm sorry.

Use it as a learning curve as to what she should tolerate when she gets a partner. Some things are unacceptable and its not scary to go it alone and that you will be fine. You're showing her what a strong female looks like.

Whatever the outcome, you have my admiration to be doing a degree with three children and a family life and now this situation to deal with. You are strong and have the love of your children so you will get through this. They are lucky to have you as their mum

@Username2101

My DD is extremely sensitive and has a really negative self image which we are working on. Well I will now, I guess.

Thank you for the benefits advice, I will get onto that asap. He's claiming he will continue to pay all the bills, but I'm guessing the guilt train will end soon.

Despite his protests I know there has to be another woman waiting in the wings. Either that or his single friends have convinced him how great it is.

My placement have been great and have given me a few days off to sort myself out.

You can do this. You can finish your degree and you'll make an awesome social worker. People are sometimes a bit sceptical about social workers who haven't had the rug pulled out from under them at some point in their life. You can get through this and you can be stronger for it.

It's not all rosy, it is shit and it is not fair. But, you can do it, try to ensure that you get enough cash/assets right now while dh is being reasonable to see you through your degree. After that you can look to an independent future with your fair share of the marital assets.