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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband walked out tonight

687 replies

Username2101 · 21/03/2022 23:23

In the past few weeks my steady reliable husband has changed drastically. He went on a works party and basically came back a different person, he's become extremely focused about his weight. He's going out every weekend with "friends" he's never mentioned before, he's coming home later and later from work and making excuses to get out of the house.

I confronted him tonight and asked him very bluntly wtf is going on, I mean all this basically screams other woman. He started going on about him wanting to spend time with his friends and that he's the ONLY person in the whole wide world who has to ask for permission. (He doesn't)

I told him if he wanted his freedom so badly he can pack his bags, piss off and have it permanently. He walked out and went to stay with his friend, the friend who has regular parties with all the local 18 year old girls who think that a 45 year old man with a big house and a swimming pool is exciting.

Now I'm panicking, what on earth do I tell the children in the morning about where their daddy has gone, I have 2 months left of my degree and I'm at bloody placement until May. How am I meant to advise people about their lives when mine is a disaster.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 26/04/2022 18:00

Op, I get your sadness. The realisation that you were married to such a weak man plus he is still dad to your girls and they will struggle to respect him, when they are older.

What is wrong with these men?? There needs to be a public awareness campaign 😀..."hey tossers, hitting midlife, afraid of getting old, think you can leave your your wife and children as the grass will be greener, Stop..you're just a weak, rather sad individual, so grow up before you screw up your life totally"

cantbelieveheletmedown · 26/04/2022 18:11

Fireflygal · 26/04/2022 18:00

Op, I get your sadness. The realisation that you were married to such a weak man plus he is still dad to your girls and they will struggle to respect him, when they are older.

What is wrong with these men?? There needs to be a public awareness campaign 😀..."hey tossers, hitting midlife, afraid of getting old, think you can leave your your wife and children as the grass will be greener, Stop..you're just a weak, rather sad individual, so grow up before you screw up your life totally"

👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻 this, I agree there should be a public awareness campaign! It's how they just shit on their partners for some skank they are flattered by.

Jaxinthebox · 26/04/2022 18:40

OP I know that some days will be hard, but you sound so much better than when you first posted.

Despite him making noises 'to come back' you know it would never work. Besides, you are a different person now. You have your own career about to take off and you can take some time for yourself when he has the DC.

It will get better, you will be whole again and yes it will take a while but you will get there. Flowers

AllOfUsAreDead · 26/04/2022 18:52

I would be almost tempted in your position to let him think he's got away with it. Let him think he's got a chance of coming back. Just to pull the rug from under his feet and send him the divorce forms. It would be a bit of fun to let him feel smug, pack up his stuff at his friend's house just to have to return the same day with his tail between his legs.

You're doing brilliantly op and in a few months you'll wonder why you loved him.

Notsomellownow · 26/04/2022 20:40

Well done you for showing such strength and resilience. It's truly inspirational 🙌
The awareness campaign idea. Yessss!!! Inspired, hilarious and entirely necessary 😂😂😂

Notsomellownow · 26/04/2022 20:42

Well done you for showing such strength and resilience. It's truly inspirational 🙌
Fireflygal The awareness campaign! Inspired, hilarious and entirely necessary 😂😂😂

Thedogscollar · 26/04/2022 21:54

Been following this thread from the beginning. Well done OP, stay strong. You are amazing and you are displaying such great qualities to your children.

Teacupsandtoast · 04/05/2022 07:15

Just checking in OP. Hope you are managing to power through your uni work regardless of everything going on

Original poster
Username2101 · 04/05/2022 12:20

Teacupsandtoast · 04/05/2022 07:15

Just checking in OP. Hope you are managing to power through your uni work regardless of everything going on

Thank you for thinking of me.

I finish my placement on the 20th May, so I'm just dragging myself through the days. I desperately need a break now. Im just grateful I'm sleeping much better now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Username2101 · 04/05/2022 12:20

Teacupsandtoast · 04/05/2022 07:15

Just checking in OP. Hope you are managing to power through your uni work regardless of everything going on

Thank you for thinking of me.

I finish my placement on the 20th May, so I'm just dragging myself through the days. I desperately need a break now. Im just grateful I'm sleeping much better now.

OP posts:
GalactatingGoddess · 04/05/2022 12:32

OP, I'm just seeing this thread now but you seem like you are absolutely amazing.

I know you said earlier in the thread how could you advise someone when your own life felt like a mess. As an ex CP social worker, I want to say to you, that you are an incredibly strong woman who will come out of this with a first hand perspective of just how hard it is to leave someone who isn't good for you/respecting you, which is something you will likely be supporting future service users with if you go into a support role/childrens services CP role.

If you can, finish your degree, less than 3 weeks to go until your placement is done. And maybe just one more assignment/dissertation?

I hope your girls are as settled as they can be, and I'm so sad to hear of the way your DH has treated you all and the OW after seeing your updates. You can do this. And you can do it without him. 💐

Original poster
Username2101 · 04/05/2022 13:31

I think the hardest part is the loneliness, once the children go to bed, it's just me. That's when the doubts and sadness creep in. During the day I can focus on other things.

The messed up thing is I also feel bad for my ex, he split with the OW, he got into so much trouble at work and he is now effectively homeless and sleeping on his friends sofa. I know he genuinely regrets everything.

But all I see is her face and the humiliation his lies have caused.

OP posts:
MrsJorahMormont · 04/05/2022 13:55

Don't even contemplate taking him back OP unless you want a repeat cycle whenever his next mid-life crisis hits.

SuziSecondLaw · 04/05/2022 13:58

He only regrets everything because it didn't go as he'd planned.
I understand the loneliness in the evening is awful, I remember those days. But try and remember that's you just wanting someone.. It's not him. You don't want that life, it'd destroy you bit by bit. Try and embrace the evenings alone, do whatever you please. Look forward to meeting someone new if that's what you'd like.. Though not just yet, unless you just fancy a bit of short term fun, in which case, go for it.

simoncowellsdog · 04/05/2022 13:59

Hey OP, you are doing amazing. As others have said, please please please do not feel sorry for this man. He didn't feel sorry for you when he was chasing young girls round with his dick, he's brought all this on himself.

You've got this Flowers

mvilma6 · 04/05/2022 15:19

Dear OP, so so sorry to hear your story, it breaks my heart reading what you have had to go trough as still going.

let me tell, YOU ARE A SUPER STRONG WOMEN, now probably feels like you cant cope anymore, but you do.

back in 2019 I got pregnant after 2 rounds of IVF, I thought life couldn't not be any perfect: I was married to love of my life, had a gorgeous 4 bedrooms dream house, very good paid job and now pregnant with my miracle baby. in 2020 pandemic hit the world, I had a premature baby while in lockdown (3 weeks in NICU with minimum visits), a husband that was disconnecting more and more everyday from me and baby, a baby that wont sleep longer than 20 minutes for months, no family in the country...... it was like a living hell, suddenly I ended up in a mother and baby unit for a month due to exhaustion and depression and when I got out (2 weeks before Xmas) my ex decided he had enough and left me and my son.

I was divorced 3 months later and we had to sold my dream house.

I bought a nice flat (still tearful when I think of my old house) with my little one and had to go back to work full time and him to nursery. since that day, little one has never seen his dad (Xmas, birthdays.....) and my family still 2000 km away but they have been an amazing support.

with all this, I also thought I couldn't go trough life with all that at the same time, but some how I did and now I'm in a much happier place. don't get me wrong still shit days and strong feelings here and there but life is easier even having to work full time and if not at work i have my little one with no breaks, but hey you never knew what plan life had ahead.

sending you the biggest cuddle

Drinkingallthewine · 04/05/2022 15:34

Is there any hobby you can take up at home when the kids are in bed? I do sewing and could lose myself for hours doing it when I get the chance.

billy1966 · 04/05/2022 16:15

You are a wonderful example to your daughters OP.

I can only imagine the pain.

His daughters judgment of him will always be harsh and only grow harsher, where as, they will see you as an example of a strong woman with self respect who forged ahead despite what happened to her.

Well done 👏

Original poster
Username2101 · 04/05/2022 17:23

Drinkingallthewine · 04/05/2022 15:34

Is there any hobby you can take up at home when the kids are in bed? I do sewing and could lose myself for hours doing it when I get the chance.

I have thought about joining a gym, but to be honest at the moment I'm just trying to keep my head above water. With my full time placement, uni stuff and the kids I'm literally running on empty.

I think once my degree is over that will be my time to actually think about what I want and where I need to be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Username2101 · 04/05/2022 17:28

I wouldn't ever go back, cheating is one of my dealbreakers and he's always known this. The twat still did it anyway, but there we go.

It's bloody hard to co- parent with someone who's destroyed you buy you still have feelings for. I have huge admiration for anyone dealing with this crap too

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 04/05/2022 18:58

You are absolutely fantastic. I take my hat off to you. I was you 25 years ago. My husband left with a 17 year old from his office when our sons were 3 and 2. She dumped him, he came back. I had left teaching at that point so I took him back. He left again. He just couldn't deal with being married and having a family. He started going clubbing, hanging around with her friends. He was 32 ffs. He went back to motorcycle racing. He was thrilled to be winning trophies. He won because they were all teens and He was a much older man. He thought he was soooo cool. He looked like a twat. Tight jeans, carefully arranged hair to hide the bald patch. It will get better Op. You will graduate and your children will burst with pride. You will build a life and it will be fabulous. I married again. My husband is the most wonderful man. He brought my children up from the ages of 9 and 11. They regard him as their dad.my youngest son and his wife have just had a beautiful baby. They told my husband that he wouldn't be step grandad. He would be Grandad and they thought the world of him. Life will get better and better and better Op. I always say to people that if I had known the wonderful life that awaited me I would have helped my first husband pack. Enjoy your new job. Sending you a hug because you are fab.

cantbelieveheletmedown · 04/05/2022 19:22

He has made such an idiot of himself and lost everything! More fool him!

Original poster
Username2101 · 04/05/2022 19:30

AngelinaFibres · 04/05/2022 18:58

You are absolutely fantastic. I take my hat off to you. I was you 25 years ago. My husband left with a 17 year old from his office when our sons were 3 and 2. She dumped him, he came back. I had left teaching at that point so I took him back. He left again. He just couldn't deal with being married and having a family. He started going clubbing, hanging around with her friends. He was 32 ffs. He went back to motorcycle racing. He was thrilled to be winning trophies. He won because they were all teens and He was a much older man. He thought he was soooo cool. He looked like a twat. Tight jeans, carefully arranged hair to hide the bald patch. It will get better Op. You will graduate and your children will burst with pride. You will build a life and it will be fabulous. I married again. My husband is the most wonderful man. He brought my children up from the ages of 9 and 11. They regard him as their dad.my youngest son and his wife have just had a beautiful baby. They told my husband that he wouldn't be step grandad. He would be Grandad and they thought the world of him. Life will get better and better and better Op. I always say to people that if I had known the wonderful life that awaited me I would have helped my first husband pack. Enjoy your new job. Sending you a hug because you are fab.

This is so lovely, thank you for sharing.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 07/05/2022 10:15

I have no way of checking his finances, apparently he's skint but still able to afford hotels, restaurants and nights out.

Be careful to separate you finances before he chucks your financial security down the drain along with your marriage....

Hollywolly1 · 07/05/2022 14:14

Username2101 · 04/05/2022 17:28

I wouldn't ever go back, cheating is one of my dealbreakers and he's always known this. The twat still did it anyway, but there we go.

It's bloody hard to co- parent with someone who's destroyed you buy you still have feelings for. I have huge admiration for anyone dealing with this crap too

Congratulations on the new job,well done. Consider yourself lucky that you found out he was cheating as you know and can move on from that, all the lovely wives and husband's out there living with a cheater in ignorant bliss and they may not find out for years or ever for that matter.As hard as this is you seem extremely strong and resilient, I think you are brilliant and a wonderful example to other women or men reading this