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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband walked out tonight

687 replies

Username2101 · 21/03/2022 23:23

In the past few weeks my steady reliable husband has changed drastically. He went on a works party and basically came back a different person, he's become extremely focused about his weight. He's going out every weekend with "friends" he's never mentioned before, he's coming home later and later from work and making excuses to get out of the house.

I confronted him tonight and asked him very bluntly wtf is going on, I mean all this basically screams other woman. He started going on about him wanting to spend time with his friends and that he's the ONLY person in the whole wide world who has to ask for permission. (He doesn't)

I told him if he wanted his freedom so badly he can pack his bags, piss off and have it permanently. He walked out and went to stay with his friend, the friend who has regular parties with all the local 18 year old girls who think that a 45 year old man with a big house and a swimming pool is exciting.

Now I'm panicking, what on earth do I tell the children in the morning about where their daddy has gone, I have 2 months left of my degree and I'm at bloody placement until May. How am I meant to advise people about their lives when mine is a disaster.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 20/04/2022 09:23

OP, you said a few posts back that it upsets you knowing that he’s having a great time partying etc.
This will not last, we all know it won’t. What lasts is the real connection we have with our families, especially our DC, just being with them, going for walks and letting them talk about whatever they want, meals round the table together, film on the tv. It might not be exciting but it has substance.
You are doing great- you are a rock for your girls and they are for you. Congrats on the new job, what an achievement when you have had all this to deal with.
I know how I would view your husband if he was my boss or colleague. What an idiot.

Original poster
Username2101 · 20/04/2022 09:27

It’s all come to a head in the last few days, everyone at his workplace has found out what he’s done and there is major damage control going on.
He dumped the younger woman as soon as everyone found out, apparently they are just staying “friends”

So he is in the middle of a massive shot storm and throwing out his regrets. I have to admit I am massively enjoying the karma unfolding.

OP posts:
StartupRepair · 20/04/2022 09:42

Good update.

Spudlet · 20/04/2022 09:43

Is he the company owner or similar? Because where I used to work we had a similar scenario, senior older man with wife and child having it away with younger, more junior woman. She was let go for unrelated reasons (I don’t even know if anyone knew at that point, it was a capability issue I believe) and then threatened to cause a huge stink and say she was being discriminated against - so he was fired too, for gross misconduct. His damage control may not be enough…

PinaColadaSunset · 20/04/2022 09:47

I’m so sorry this is happening to you OP. My story is scarily similar and my husband had to leave his job because of the mess he had created. There was massive drama and I felt I had been dumped in a drama which wasn’t mine. I resented that more than anything and the stress made me ill.

Distance yourself and remember that this is not your circus and not your responsibility. He created this mess. He can sort it out by himself.

Take great care of yourself. Flowers

Original poster
Username2101 · 20/04/2022 09:52

Spudlet · 20/04/2022 09:43

Is he the company owner or similar? Because where I used to work we had a similar scenario, senior older man with wife and child having it away with younger, more junior woman. She was let go for unrelated reasons (I don’t even know if anyone knew at that point, it was a capability issue I believe) and then threatened to cause a huge stink and say she was being discriminated against - so he was fired too, for gross misconduct. His damage control may not be enough…

He’s not the owner, he is a director though. The owner is apparently fuming at him, she seriously looks down on this kind of thing.

Like you Pinacolada I’m furious that I am been dragged into the shit heap of his own making.

He know damn well he’s royally fucked up, maybe he won’t do it to his next wife.

OP posts:
Clarinet1 · 20/04/2022 10:00

All goes to show you’re better off without him. Sound as though you’re doing great progress with your new life.

Original poster
Username2101 · 20/04/2022 10:03

I’ve been reading a lot on the chump lady website, the stories are depressingly similar. But it is giving me hope that there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 20/04/2022 10:32

"maybe he won’t do it to his next wife".
Well done OP

Fluffycloudland77 · 20/04/2022 10:38

Granny wasn’t kidding when she said men are all the same.

Monstertrucks · 20/04/2022 11:47

As always OP you present yourself as a very strong, clever lady.
It's great to see karma has found its way to him already - enjoy the fireworks x

Billybagpuss · 20/04/2022 12:04

Do you think his job will be at risk over this?

Original poster
Username2101 · 20/04/2022 12:13

@Billybagpuss

Do you think his job will be at risk over this?
I don't think so, he has definitely lost a lot of respect over it though.

That will hurt him more.

OP posts:
FloraPostePosts · 20/04/2022 12:13

Billybagpuss · 20/04/2022 12:04

Do you think his job will be at risk over this?

In many workplaces it would be - promoting your shag is never a good look, and certainly where I work, you can’t manage a partner. (It’s a small field so there are couples in the same workplace more commonly than there might be elsewhere).

Original poster
Username2101 · 20/04/2022 13:56

@FloraPostePosts

In many workplaces it would be - promoting your shag is never a good look, and certainly where I work, you can’t manage a partner. (It’s a small field so there are couples in the same workplace more commonly than there might be elsewhere).
She isn't allowed to report to him at work anymore and they have been moved apart.

He has been told in very harsh terms to fucking sort his life out or else. I think this latest episode has been an extremely rude awakening for him and a real wtf have I done moment.

OP posts:
FloraPostePosts · 20/04/2022 14:03

Username2101 · 20/04/2022 13:56

@FloraPostePosts

In many workplaces it would be - promoting your shag is never a good look, and certainly where I work, you can’t manage a partner. (It’s a small field so there are couples in the same workplace more commonly than there might be elsewhere).
She isn't allowed to report to him at work anymore and they have been moved apart.

He has been told in very harsh terms to fucking sort his life out or else. I think this latest episode has been an extremely rude awakening for him and a real wtf have I done moment.

I’m so sorry he turned out to be such a massive bellend, OP. You, on the other hand, are awesome. I hope I’d be as great as you at dealing with something like this.

YRGAM · 20/04/2022 14:25

It amazes me just how many men think with their penises. As a director, he'll have been long enough in the tooth to know having an affair with someone you manage is a move of career-ending stupidity. But no, he did it anyway.

You're doing really well OP, hope you and the girls are alright

Fluffycloudland77 · 20/04/2022 15:45

The countdown to him realising how much he loves you is on isn’t it? I’m giving it till the weekend.

Monstertrucks · 20/04/2022 15:58

It's a shame it had to be his boss giving him a ticking off for him to realise that he's messed up!!
Such a child

gwenneh · 20/04/2022 16:25

I think this latest episode has been an extremely rude awakening for him and a real wtf have I done moment.

I guarantee, it has not.
He wasn't unaware of the consequences. He was awake the whole time and to say that he wasn't is to absolve him of some responsibility. Don't do that.
He did what he did because he made a judgement call and wanted to do it.

goody2shooz · 20/04/2022 17:05

@gwenneh - 💯 nailed it!

SwishSwishBisch · 20/04/2022 17:13

Username2101 · 20/04/2022 09:52

He’s not the owner, he is a director though. The owner is apparently fuming at him, she seriously looks down on this kind of thing.

Like you Pinacolada I’m furious that I am been dragged into the shit heap of his own making.

He know damn well he’s royally fucked up, maybe he won’t do it to his next wife.

Show quote history

Oh he will 100% continue in this pattern. The issue with men like your twat of a husband is that they externalise their unhappiness in ways like this, that means they’re constantly looking for someone/something else to make their life ‘better’. They have no self awareness of the fact only they can fix themselves, and so he will rinse/repeat his shit behaviour, probably bouncing from pathetic relationship to pathetic relationship until he can’t catch the eye of anyone anymore, at which point he may wonder where it all went wrong, but even then it’ll still be someone else’s fault. He will always be dissatisfied and alone, and you my dear will be resplendent and happy in your new found freedom from this toad of a man!

SouperNoodle · 20/04/2022 17:57

I've just rtft and I have to say that I am in awe of how strong you are OP. What you're going through is enough to make anyone crumble but you're keeping your chin up for your kids and that's amazing.

Billybagpuss · 20/04/2022 18:08

Username2101 · 20/04/2022 12:13

@Billybagpuss

Do you think his job will be at risk over this?
I don't think so, he has definitely lost a lot of respect over it though.

That will hurt him more.

That’s good news, make sure you’ve got your CMS claim in.

Lsquiggles · 20/04/2022 18:40

Oh wow he has really fucked his whole life. Karma's a bitch! I hope you find comfort in finding out who he really is and that it will help you get closure in time ❤