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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband walked out tonight

687 replies

Username2101 · 21/03/2022 23:23

In the past few weeks my steady reliable husband has changed drastically. He went on a works party and basically came back a different person, he's become extremely focused about his weight. He's going out every weekend with "friends" he's never mentioned before, he's coming home later and later from work and making excuses to get out of the house.

I confronted him tonight and asked him very bluntly wtf is going on, I mean all this basically screams other woman. He started going on about him wanting to spend time with his friends and that he's the ONLY person in the whole wide world who has to ask for permission. (He doesn't)

I told him if he wanted his freedom so badly he can pack his bags, piss off and have it permanently. He walked out and went to stay with his friend, the friend who has regular parties with all the local 18 year old girls who think that a 45 year old man with a big house and a swimming pool is exciting.

Now I'm panicking, what on earth do I tell the children in the morning about where their daddy has gone, I have 2 months left of my degree and I'm at bloody placement until May. How am I meant to advise people about their lives when mine is a disaster.

OP posts:
xgze · 03/04/2022 00:34

This reply has been deleted

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EATmum · 03/04/2022 01:00

You should be so proud. That's fantastic.

newyearnewwname2022 · 03/04/2022 01:23

Just read through your thread tonight - congratulations on your new job. My DH is a child of a similar situation and he is the best, most well-adjusted man I know, so I just wanted to let you know that your kids will be OK. You sound like a great mum. Good luck.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 03/04/2022 03:48

@Username2101

I just want to make it clear for the more critical people. I Never stopped him from going anywhere, he never had to ask "permission". Prior to this I was the one pushing him to go out and enjoy himself, I even drove him to his works party that night so he could have a drink....

The reason I confronted him wasn't just because he wanted to go out, it was the odd behaviour too. There were no arguments beforehand, we were planning a holiday and telling each other I love yous that morning.

Anyway

I loved the mountain metaphor, I keep re-reading that one. I will also read the single parent thread, thank you for the pointer.

I'm feeling a bit better, I have this knot in my stomach that won't go away and I can't really eat anything. My mum and my sister have been incredible and keep checking up on me.

Look up Russ Harris books. He has an engaging style!
bare · 05/04/2022 07:29

@Username2101, I hope your week is going ok.

Original poster
Username2101 · 05/04/2022 08:15

I don't know how I am to be honest, one minute I'm ok and positive, the next I am furious.
The girls are still messed up but at least he's still seeing them.

He had the cheek to act angry when I told him I didn't want to see him or speak unless it concerned the children. I don't know what he expects of me. It's like he thought he would go off into this shiny new life and we would just be here for him to pick up when he feels like it.

He can't seem to understand the absolute devastation he's caused, to me and the girls.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 05/04/2022 10:30

You're right about the absolute cheek of him. I think I'd laugh at him having the sheer unmitigated gall to think he has the right to anything from you but a damned hard slap, myself. . .

irishfarmer · 05/04/2022 11:14

You must be a seesaw of emotions! Cheeky plank, he expects you to still be his best friend and be there to emotionally support him even though he had devastated your family. He want to go off and have fun and party. But also have you + the girls to fall back. He misses you and but that does not mean he gets to be angry that you need space.

Mix56 · 05/04/2022 12:25

He needs to know he is superfluous.
He doesn't get to just drop by, By being emotionally unavailable he will start to feel the reality of this mess he has created.
Keep it up, & keep doing what is best for you & ultimately your dc.

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 05/04/2022 13:11

I am so pleased for you. Frankly fuck him and his wants and attitude, I get incensed when told I’m being unreasonable when I don’t think I am. Plan your weekends, either with your girls or without so you’re not feeling too adrift. Borrow a dog for a walk or look at the off peak cinema times. Buy a fire pit and a Bluetooth speaker and enjoy the summer.

Cherrysoup · 05/04/2022 13:37

@mbosnz

You're right about the absolute cheek of him. I think I'd laugh at him having the sheer unmitigated gall to think he has the right to anything from you but a damned hard slap, myself. . .
What a tossed! He’s done this to you and presumably thought you’d be begging him to come back. I’m in absolute awe of you, you are so strong! Stay like that, at least in front of him. He is probably starting to realise what he’s lost. Idiot.
Original poster
Username2101 · 05/04/2022 13:40

@irishfarmer

You must be a seesaw of emotions! Cheeky plank, he expects you to still be his best friend and be there to emotionally support him even though he had devastated your family. He want to go off and have fun and party. But also have you + the girls to fall back. He misses you and but that does not mean he gets to be angry that you need space.
It's exactly this!

It was my youngest DDs birthday at the weekend, so I thought ok for their sake I will try to get along with him.

He came to my house and just sat there and I'm trying to make awkward conversation with him and not throw something at his head.

After he left I started shaking again and I realised it's not worth it. Every time I look at him it's a reminder that our family wasn't important to him. I can't do it to myself anymore.

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 05/04/2022 14:05

How are things OP? How did your interview go?

comfortablyfrumpy · 05/04/2022 14:41

OP you are amazing.

Gold medal for not throwing something at his head Grin

Ariela · 05/04/2022 17:37

He's ruined everything, my family, my dreams, my plans for the future. Everything just seems so hard and bleak at the moment.

Don't let him! You've had a great placement, got a fabulous job to go to after you've qualified. You still have your girls. And your family (esp Grandma) are batting for you.
Make new plans, follow a different path, and above all have a bloody amazing future without him.

jeaux90 · 05/04/2022 17:54

You have a fabulous new career in front of you.

He doesn't deserve you to be cooperative but for your own sake and the kids you are doing the right thing.

Use the times he has access to the kids for yourself. Do you think he would have them more or does the EOW work for you?

I'm a single mum so I do find career and childcare a difficult balance at times so think about what works for you.

Hala9 · 09/04/2022 10:55

How are you and your girls @Username2101

Nannylovesshopping · 09/04/2022 11:36

Thinking of you also and hoping you are all ok💐

Original poster
Username2101 · 09/04/2022 14:56

Hey guys

Thank you for thinking of me. I'm feeling much better, I'm getting used to the idea of not having him around. I occasionally even like it.
I managed to get all the bills in my name and started looking at divorces, although I can't afford it at the moment.

Ex-DH and I are communicating about the girls and although it still hurts, it's much less than it was.

He admitted he is having a full blown kid-life crisis, he has lots of new friends all in their 20s that he feels he needs to keep up with.
I laughed and told him he will be the one token middle aged creep in the night club that everyone will be laughing at. 😂

OP posts:
otherbookmarks · 09/04/2022 15:07

Spot on with your last sentence OP. Hopefully by the time he tries to come crawling back you'll be fully over him. The grass is never greener, he'll find out. In the meantime it sounds as though you're doing well. One day you'll have a run of good days and realise he's out of your head forever.

MaryCeleste89 · 09/04/2022 15:58

Wow. I almost feel sorry for him. He's going to wake up one day and realise what he's thrown away but I get the impression OP that you're already over the worst. Well done you.

I have to wonder how much the 20 year old friends actually like him. It wouldn't surprise me if they're all settled down with kids in a couple of years and he's that sad man at the bar by himself.

Original poster
Username2101 · 09/04/2022 16:11

@MaryCeleste89

Wow. I almost feel sorry for him. He's going to wake up one day and realise what he's thrown away but I get the impression OP that you're already over the worst. Well done you.

I have to wonder how much the 20 year old friends actually like him. It wouldn't surprise me if they're all settled down with kids in a couple of years and he's that sad man at the bar by himself.

He is their boss, I think that makes it even worse somehow.
OP posts:
FabFitFifties · 09/04/2022 16:21

He's their boss! How embarrassing. I wouldn't be engaging in any conversation about him and his crisis. It will leave cracks big enough for him to slither back in. You sound like you are doing great OP. Stay strong. There are better things ahead for you and your DC.

Nannylovesshopping · 09/04/2022 16:42

Glad to hear you are ok, keep strong lovely girl!

Hala9 · 09/04/2022 16:44

I was you, except my DH was with another woman.

One thing I wished was to be just ' six months ahead' so that I would be over the worst and know how things had turned out.

I went to a well renowned clairvoyant - who was spot on with what had happened. I wanted to know that by telling him to leave, letting him get on with it, I'd made the right choice.
In her reading, the clairvoyant said ' you know, one day, he'll wake up and realise he still has the washing up to do, no matter who he's with or where he lives'.

Her words reassured me that I'd done the right thing telling him to go. They stuck with me as an analogy for getting on with my life and seeing, that in time, he would realise that he was no better off than he had been. Life's chores are life's chores!