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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband walked out tonight

687 replies

Username2101 · 21/03/2022 23:23

In the past few weeks my steady reliable husband has changed drastically. He went on a works party and basically came back a different person, he's become extremely focused about his weight. He's going out every weekend with "friends" he's never mentioned before, he's coming home later and later from work and making excuses to get out of the house.

I confronted him tonight and asked him very bluntly wtf is going on, I mean all this basically screams other woman. He started going on about him wanting to spend time with his friends and that he's the ONLY person in the whole wide world who has to ask for permission. (He doesn't)

I told him if he wanted his freedom so badly he can pack his bags, piss off and have it permanently. He walked out and went to stay with his friend, the friend who has regular parties with all the local 18 year old girls who think that a 45 year old man with a big house and a swimming pool is exciting.

Now I'm panicking, what on earth do I tell the children in the morning about where their daddy has gone, I have 2 months left of my degree and I'm at bloody placement until May. How am I meant to advise people about their lives when mine is a disaster.

OP posts:
Sinusheadachesahhhh · 25/03/2022 15:46

I went through similar last year, my ex said he had to always ask permission to go out, which like your situation, couldn't be further from the truth. I told him to leave, he did. I regretted it (well so I thought) I had a nervous breakdown. If it wasn't for all the support of my gorgeous daughter, family, friends & mn, I couldn't have got through it. But I did, I met someone new & now couldn't be happier.

Everyone told me, it will get easier, you will look back on this & wonder why, I begged and begged for him back, made a total fool of myself & now I'm so thankful he didn't come back because it would have been "good" for a while until he wanted to live a single life again.

Write down the good & bad points, I didn't realise how many bad points there was in our relationship until I wrote it all down.

Stay strong, I promise you it does get easier. It might just not seem like it just now.

Original poster
Username2101 · 25/03/2022 17:01

@Sinusheadachesahhhh

I went through similar last year, my ex said he had to always ask permission to go out, which like your situation, couldn't be further from the truth. I told him to leave, he did. I regretted it (well so I thought) I had a nervous breakdown. If it wasn't for all the support of my gorgeous daughter, family, friends & mn, I couldn't have got through it. But I did, I met someone new & now couldn't be happier.

Everyone told me, it will get easier, you will look back on this & wonder why, I begged and begged for him back, made a total fool of myself & now I'm so thankful he didn't come back because it would have been "good" for a while until he wanted to live a single life again.

Write down the good & bad points, I didn't realise how many bad points there was in our relationship until I wrote it all down.

Stay strong, I promise you it does get easier. It might just not seem like it just now.

Thank you so much for sharing your story, it's hard to see the light at the moment.

I saw him at the supermarket today, he didn't see me.

I was ducking and diving behind the shelves so I didn't have to talk to him. God knows what the staff were thinking.

I'm holding it together by a thread, my only joy is that my placement is going really well.

OP posts:
BloodyNora79 · 25/03/2022 18:19

OP, your story is very similar to mine. It’s amazing how many men there are like this out there.

My husband walked out on me almost 2 years ago, during the pandemic and my mums treatment for one of the cruellest cancers there is. He broke my children’s hearts and acted cold and callous at a time I needed him the most.
I immediately assumed OW. None has surfaced but there are a few clues here and there that he thought women would be throwing themselves at him. I imagine there was someone who showed him a bit of attention before he left and then blew him out.

After a mini breakdown I initiated divorce proceedings and got myself a life. He hated it! Since then he has played the ‘mental health card’ begged for forgiveness and because I’m a pushover my divorce is on hold until I can make an informed decision.

I DO NOT want him back but my good heart actually feels sorry for him and the chaos he has created. Even today I still struggle with the toss up of a man who I thought I knew and a cold hearted stranger. We remain separated but I know I need to again pull up my big girl pants and sort the mess he created by means of divorce.

Do not be like me. Please prepare for him to come back with his tail between his legs with every excuse under the sun. Write down everything he has done to you and your lovely kids to remind yourself of this, it’s amazing how they try to minimise things and gaslight when plans don’t go their way.

Wishing you strength x

Sunnyday321 · 25/03/2022 18:44

@BloodyNora79
Get on at send those divorced papers off , you say you do not want to get together again. But , you will be much happier and moved onward & upward once you get it done.

Bushkin · 25/03/2022 19:06

Well done OP, you’re setting a great example for your girls Flowers

BloodyNora79 · 25/03/2022 19:10

@Sunnyday321 thank you, I know what I need to do - I just find it difficult to do this to someone I classed as my best friend for the last 19 years, no matter how awful he has been. It’s easier to divorce someone knowing they don’t want you then have them offering you the world!

I don’t want to take over this thread with my grumblings, but I’m 80% sure the same thing will happen with the OP - he’ll be back when he realises the grass isn’t actually that greener after all.

OP you may think this won’t happen right now, but there’s a huge chance it could. Please be prepared for this x

FabFitFifties · 25/03/2022 19:27

Stay strong OP, you have done fabulously well to return to work, and get your girls to school. I hope they were OK.

Clarinet1 · 25/03/2022 20:19

I’ve been so sorry to read that you’ve been going through this, OP but I couldn’t help raising a smile at the idea of your Grandma - handbag and umbrella at the ready!? Even these crises have their lighter moments. When my DM and Stepfather were
splitting up it became the secret sign of whether he was in the house to point at the ceiling (because he was sleeping in the loft conversion)!

PurpleFlower1983 · 25/03/2022 20:59

@Username2101

I hate having to be the strong silent one. I want to take a baseball bat to his car and then his skull.

Instead I will smile, ignore and cry in private.

Still haven't messaged him, it's killing me though.

For what it’s worth my friend actually did the thing with the baseball bat - his car not his skull although she would have tried had someone not intervened. It made her feel better but only for about 10 minutes and she managed to break a finger in the process.

Sorry to make light but we laugh about it now, she’s better off without the twat she was with and you will be too.

Robin233 · 26/03/2022 14:24

@PurpleFlower1983
Revenge is best left in your head.
(The best one I heard was the wife who went round delivering crates of her husbands 'very expensive' champagne ti the entire village. )
But joking aside , revenge usually ends up with you feeling like you have 'Ash' in your mouth.

Planesmistakenforstars · 27/03/2022 14:50

Hope you're doing okay today OP Flowers

Original poster
Username2101 · 27/03/2022 15:16

@Planesmistakenforstars

Hope you're doing okay today OP Flowers
Hey thank you so much for asking Smile I'm ok, I have decided to go to the doctor Monday and get some chemical help for the lack of sleep and stress. The kids are much better now, which I'm happy and relieved about.

He called the girls this afternoon, I have to admit I felt some malicious pleasure when he said he was doing his laundry.

Enjoy the drudgery fucker. (Sorry) Grin

OP posts:
Bodgerbarbara · 27/03/2022 15:50

You sound amazing op FlowersFlowers the knot will leave in time.

KatherineJaneway · 27/03/2022 16:35

FlowersFlowersFlowers

StartupRepair · 27/03/2022 21:29

I expect doing laundry didn't figure in his plans to be wild and free.

Thedogscollar · 27/03/2022 23:23

Been following this thread. Hope you had a lovely Mothers Day OP and wishing you and your girls all the best for the future.
You are so strong and will be a great social worker. Flowers

comfortablyfrumpy · 28/03/2022 09:31

OP if you can get some good sleep that will help enormously.

I hope you had a good weekend sounds like it night have been better than his!

Original poster
Username2101 · 28/03/2022 10:03

@Thedogscollar

Been following this thread. Hope you had a lovely Mothers Day OP and wishing you and your girls all the best for the future. You are so strong and will be a great social worker. Flowers
Thank you so much, I honestly don't feel very strong. I'm going through the motions day to day, I just wish it had never happened.

He's ruined everything, my family, my dreams, my plans for the future. Everything just seems so hard and bleak at the moment.

OP posts:
momtoboys · 28/03/2022 14:40

"He's ruined everything, my family, my dreams, my plans for the future. Everything just seems so hard and bleak at the moment."

I'm so sorry you are having to go thru this heartache. I just want to reiterate that you will have new dreams and plans. Things do get better. Take care of you.

Planesmistakenforstars · 28/03/2022 17:03

It will get better OP. It sounds trite, but the reason lots of people here tell you that, is because it's true. It just doesn't seem like it from where you are now, but hang in there. You and your girls are a family, you have great career plans that he can't take from you, and you will have new dreams.

Thedogscollar · 28/03/2022 18:18

@Username2101
As you say everything seems so hard and bleak at the moment

Hang onto that thought it will not feel like this forever.

TheBigDilemma · 28/03/2022 23:38

He's ruined everything, my family, my dreams, my plans for the future. Everything just seems so hard and bleak at the moment.

In the kindest possible way, don’t allow yourself to see yourself as a victim, it takes your strength away and you really need that strength protected so you can get through this.

Grief must be grieved, it will hurt for a good while until one day things start looking better. It is the shock of the change, once you start putting in place the blocks of your new life, you will feel much more in control. In the meantime… you need to fake it until you make it, you will get there, promise.

bare · 30/03/2022 14:59

How's your week going @Username2101? I think one foot in front of the other and keeping you all fed and watered is as much as is necessary Thanks

Thedogscollar · 30/03/2022 15:50

@bare

How's your week going *@Username2101*? I think one foot in front of the other and keeping you all fed and watered is as much as is necessary Thanks
Yes wondering how you are all getting on. Hope each day is a little bit better.
Original poster
Username2101 · 30/03/2022 15:59

Hey everyone, I have good days and bad ones. The shock is wearing off now and reality is setting in. I've lost a crap load of weight and am forcing myself to eat, but to be fair a smaller bum can only be a good thing.

He calls the kids every night and is going to have them at the weekend. So I guess it's good he isn't leaving them too.

We don't speak about anything that isn't children related, I don't trust myself to not embarrass myself.

I have a job interview tomorrow, I'm keeping everything crossed that I get it. I do badly want to get things put in place.

OP posts: