Husband walked out tonight

[Username2101]

In the past few weeks my steady reliable husband has changed drastically. He went on a works party and basically came back a different person, he's become extremely focused about his weight. He's going out every weekend with "friends" he's never mentioned before, he's coming home later and later from work and making excuses to get out of the house.

I confronted him tonight and asked him very bluntly wtf is going on, I mean all this basically screams other woman. He started going on about him wanting to spend time with his friends and that he's the ONLY person in the whole wide world who has to ask for permission. (He doesn't)

I told him if he wanted his freedom so badly he can pack his bags, piss off and have it permanently. He walked out and went to stay with his friend, the friend who has regular parties with all the local 18 year old girls who think that a 45 year old man with a big house and a swimming pool is exciting.

Now I'm panicking, what on earth do I tell the children in the morning about where their daddy has gone, I have 2 months left of my degree and I'm at bloody placement until May. How am I meant to advise people about their lives when mine is a disaster.

I hope that when you're "advising people about their lives" you advise a little give-and-take.

Of course every situation is different, but most relationships need a little tolerance if they're to survive.

I just want to make it clear for the more critical people. I Never stopped him from going anywhere, he never had to ask "permission". Prior to this I was the one pushing him to go out and enjoy himself, I even drove him to his works party that night so he could have a drink....

The reason I confronted him wasn't just because he wanted to go out, it was the odd behaviour too. There were no arguments beforehand, we were planning a holiday and telling each other I love yous that morning.

Anyway

I loved the mountain metaphor, I keep re-reading that one. I will also read the single parent thread, thank you for the pointer.

I'm feeling a bit better, I have this knot in my stomach that won't go away and I can't really eat anything. My mum and my sister have been incredible and keep checking up on me.

Some men, maybe not many, are the "if you push them type, they will follow through with whatever". Even if they cut off their noses to spite their face while doing so.

Personally, I suspect it will not be long before he realises his gigantic mistake.
But I could be wrong. I have been wrong about this type of thing before.

Don't give too much headspace to the posters suggesting you kicked him out because he went to the pub for a pint with his mates

Anyone with half a brain cell and who has read the thread properly, can see that's not the case.

I too think this sounds like a classic case of him thinking the grass is greener/ reliving his youth. Bit sad really but it seems the way with so many men. His loss

All the bills are in his name, I'm not even sure where to start.

Leave the bills. He's said he'll pay them. Let him do that - at least until you get yourself straight. Their in his name it is his credit score they'll screw if he doesn't pay. (He will have to tell the companies he is no longer living there and then you will be asked by the companies to take them on - but hold out as long as you can...)

Concentrate on getting a Universal Credit application in - those things take time - and only start from when you submit the form. And anything else you are entitled to. Did you get student finance? If you did check with them - you may get more given your change in circumstances.

If you have access to any of his finances take note of everything. Bank accounts, payslips, pension... take pictures on your phone so you have them for later.

The one organisation probably to contact is council tax as you will be entitled to a discount as a single occupant and as others have said potentially a full reduction whilst you are still a student.

Beyond that concentrate on finishing your course and keeping your kids together for the school year. How old are they? Do you need childcare for the younger ones to support you finishing your course? Does the eldest have exams?

By the summer you will be in a different place. You will be qualified, you will be used to living by yourself with the kids and you will know where you are with money. At that point it will be easier to make decisions as to what's next!

Good luck!

Yeah I agree with lady above...let him keep paying the bills...he will stop eventually like my ex did. Be prepared for it though and keep some money to the side.

Please get set up today with universal credit. It takes a few weeks to process.

Xx

@Viviennemary

But you told him to leave. All he has done is gone out with a few friends and stayed out late. I reckon you shouldn't have confronted him in such an agressive way. Sounds like he's been on a really tight leash and has got fed up of it. If this was the other way round the DH would be called controlling and every other name under the sun.

@Viviennemary Oh do fuck off.

I hate to say it but you need to start preparing your case for the future. Write everything down in a diary, its easy to get muddled about dates and who said what.
When he says 'anything like 'I'll pay the bills', get him to confirm it in an email or text, and keep a copy in a safe place.

@Username2101 you don't have to explain anything to the ONE critical poster. Her main hobby in life is parachuting into threads and being unpleasant, it's sad really.

[quote TheUsualShitshow]@Username2101 you don't have to explain anything to the ONE critical poster. Her main hobby in life is parachuting into threads and being unpleasant, it's sad really.[/quote]
I've never heard of before thankfully. I just though I would clarify for anyone else wondering too.

My DDs are 17, 10 and 7 for those asking. My 10 year old has Sats coming up soon which she was nervous about anyway.

They both went back to school this morning, they were quiet and clung to me longer than they usually would have. I'm just praying they manage to get through today.

I went back to placement, I've had some amazing news with a couple of my cases which is helping me feel like I've done some good in the world at least.

Keep going OP. One day at a time. I know you can do this, and finish your course. Don't let him derail your life just because he derailed his (because one day he will regret walking away from his family like that).

Well done on going back to work, I think it was a sensible move to have that ongoing routine and well done on your successes at work. It makes such a difference those small wins.

I think continuing dignity regarding social media is perfect, although I know the temptation is strong. It will hold you in good stead in the future.

@bare

Well done on going back to work, I think it was a sensible move to have that ongoing routine and well done on your successes at work. It makes such a difference those small wins.

I think continuing dignity regarding social media is perfect, although I know the temptation is strong. It will hold you in good stead in the future.

Agree with this. I wouldn't hide what he's done as such, I.e. to family/ close friends who you're willing to share with I wouldn't cover for him by making excuses like 'it's a mutual decision'. Let them know he's the one that's decided to throw his family away because he wants to live like a single lad but stay dignified and keep it off social media

Thank you ladies, I'm definitely taking this advice. But my god I want to rant and rave and tell the world what a piece of shit he is.

The shock has faded a bit and I'm trying desperately not to think about what he's doing or who with.

My stomach still feels twisted in knots, like I'm constantly waiting for something even worse to happen.

My family all know now, my 80year old grandma is firmly on the war path. God help him if she sees him lol

That stomach feeling and chest knotting lasts a while, it's awful. I remember feeling like if that feeling would just go I would feel better.

It gets worse before it gets better.

I'm still finding out abhorrent lies that my ex told us. It's helping with the falling out of love and beginning to really dislike him.

It seems such a battle right now and it is, let the emotions come and pass.

I'm waiting for my house to be signed over to me and once that's done I have penned a social media post, whether I do it or not is another matter. Fantasising about posting it is helping

You've had loads of great advice here, I wanted to just add to please gently look after yourself as you have had a big shock and massive stress. A knot in your stomach is a normal reaction to stress and shock.

The usual suggestions for healthy living - avoid alcohol, too much caffeine, drink plenty water, try and get good sleeps - and if you can't sleep, rest. Make sure you're getting a balanced diet and if necessary vitamins. Vitamin B complex is especially useful at times of stress as it gets depleted. Get outdoors for gentle exercise, a walk a day, get daylight on your skin. Take a moment a few times a day to just breathe. A few deep breaths.

You might find guided meditations or relaxations useful - Headspace app or Insight Timer are good for that.

You'll be taking things a day, an hour at a time, so just be gentle, go easy, look after yourself. Try and do a small, nice thing for yourself, and same with your daughters, every day.

Sending you all the best.

That’s a lovely post @DomesticatedZombie.

@Username2101, it’s all about you four now . DZ is right keep looking after yourselves.
Don’t get brought down by wasting mental or physical energy on him .

Ah my god yes, fantasising about a big social media post detailing all the assholery has kept me going for years 😂 I never have due to co parenting but oh my.... Fantasy scorched earth diatribes keep me going

I hate having to be the strong silent one. I want to take a baseball bat to his car and then his skull.

Instead I will smile, ignore and cry in private.

Still haven't messaged him, it's killing me though.

You will get your say. For now, head down, arse up. Keep your dignity, you will be admired for it. When the story comes out (and it will) if you keep your cool, he won't be able to spin it. Play poker. It's damn hard and it will take all your strength, but you can do it.

There's more than one way to skin a cat, a baseball bat is a wonderful outlet of aggression but that feeling will pass. Then you will have the fallout of gossip and playing the part of his narrative. Keep strong and silent, the silence will speak volumes, at least until you know the full story

Sending you and your daughters all the best

Keeping silent is hard but the truth does always come out in the end and at least you can hold your head up high while he'll look like the pathetic little knob weasel that he is.

You are doing fantastic

God how embarrassing, what a sad old fucker he is.

You’re doing great, keep it up!
I’ve been there too, being a single parent is great, I actually preferred it!

OP I don’t know you and I want to give you a giant hug. I firmly believe there is a grieving process to any life changing event and you will need to go through the stages of that at your own pace and that is fine. Take it one step at a time.
There is so much goodwill to you and your girls on these pages and I wish it was something you could tangibly hold on to, perhaps you can virtually.

His loss, keep telling yourself that.

He's making a complete idiot of himself. I would be sniggering about the"playboy mansion" his immaturity is laughable. What is wrong with these "men" x