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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband walked out tonight

687 replies

Username2101 · 21/03/2022 23:23

In the past few weeks my steady reliable husband has changed drastically. He went on a works party and basically came back a different person, he's become extremely focused about his weight. He's going out every weekend with "friends" he's never mentioned before, he's coming home later and later from work and making excuses to get out of the house.

I confronted him tonight and asked him very bluntly wtf is going on, I mean all this basically screams other woman. He started going on about him wanting to spend time with his friends and that he's the ONLY person in the whole wide world who has to ask for permission. (He doesn't)

I told him if he wanted his freedom so badly he can pack his bags, piss off and have it permanently. He walked out and went to stay with his friend, the friend who has regular parties with all the local 18 year old girls who think that a 45 year old man with a big house and a swimming pool is exciting.

Now I'm panicking, what on earth do I tell the children in the morning about where their daddy has gone, I have 2 months left of my degree and I'm at bloody placement until May. How am I meant to advise people about their lives when mine is a disaster.

OP posts:
dictatorboss · 23/03/2022 21:57

My niece is in your position…doing an MA in social work.Just do what you can to get your degree…absolutely a fantastic role model for your children.Xx

Uberstar · 23/03/2022 22:29

Just wanted to say you are amazing! You have got this. You get on, get up and carry on because of your children.
I’ve been in your shoes, my husband suddenly changed, it felt like overnight. I questioned everything, I questioned myself, thought I was going insane.
Turns out He was shagging the cleaner In work, had been for months and I only found out after he’d left us for her. In fact it was 6 months after he left (because he made me the other woman by leaving us and still coming back to shag me at the weekends, I didn’t know at the time he was with her!)
You will be ok. I promise. I know you dont feel like it right now. But you will xx

Original poster
Username2101 · 23/03/2022 22:40

Its disappointing to me how many of these men do this to their wives. How many children have to grow up with issues or broken homes all because they want to follow their penis to new pastures.

You are all incredible, I cannot express how much you guys are helping me. I think without this I would have been crying down the phone and begging him to come home and forgive me for whatever it is I did.

I cried much less today, which im counting as progress.

OP posts:
BikiniB0tt0m · 23/03/2022 22:43

I can't believe how someone who you thought was there forever can just blindside you and your children like that. He really is not the person you knew. You have has so much good advice but I can't imagine how hard this is for you all but you will come through this stronger and with your head held high unlike that selfish snake who wants main goals are just me me me. Don't let him take anymore from you than he has get everything you are entitled to and finish your degree

Gnomechange · 23/03/2022 22:45

I have nothing useful to add, unlike other posters. However, I need to say how classy and in control you seem. You are not letting him drag you down. You will be an excellent social worker.

pittameinhummus · 23/03/2022 22:50

Just read the whole thread, no advice here it's just clear what a lovely mum you are and amazing role model to your girls, you've got this op

Lorddenning1 · 23/03/2022 22:54

How do you adjust to life as a lone parent? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/3339230-how-do-you-adjust-to-life-as-a-lone-parent?msgid=114017463#114017463

This is a good thread OP, it runs over a couple of years, me and 2 other women right at the start of what you are going through now, it's nice to look back over this thread and see how far we have all come. This could be you down the line.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 23/03/2022 22:56

I don't have advice that will help right now. It's beyond shit. I can say that you will come out the other side, better off, I promise.

Your girls are lucky to have a mum like you. You got this 💪

LostForWords2021 · 23/03/2022 23:02

Your girls are lucky to have you

You can do this

YungDumbThrills · 23/03/2022 23:10

Hi OP, I'm so sorry that you and your girls are going through this. Me and DS are 6 months on from a very similar situation. Please DM me if you want to chat, You and your girls will get through it, it will take time, but you will get there xx

Viviennemary · 23/03/2022 23:11

But you told him to leave. All he has done is gone out with a few friends and stayed out late. I reckon you shouldn't have confronted him in such an agressive way. Sounds like he's been on a really tight leash and has got fed up of it. If this was the other way round the DH would be called controlling and every other name under the sun.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 23/03/2022 23:25

Viviennemary Read the full thread, read the room, have some compassion. Go find another thread to be mean and unhelpful on. Cheers

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/03/2022 23:30

@Viviennemary

But you told him to leave. All he has done is gone out with a few friends and stayed out late. I reckon you shouldn't have confronted him in such an agressive way. Sounds like he's been on a really tight leash and has got fed up of it. If this was the other way round the DH would be called controlling and every other name under the sun.
God you really do hate women don't you.

Every thread you pop up on you seem to say something that is a completely weird reading of OPs who have explained themselves perfectly clearly and everyone else has understood.

Trying to make a woman who is struggling feel even shitter is so nasty.

Your contributions so often are that I can only imagine you're a terribly unhappy person. Maybe work on that instead of taking it out on strangers.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/03/2022 23:31

@Viviennemary

But you told him to leave. All he has done is gone out with a few friends and stayed out late. I reckon you shouldn't have confronted him in such an agressive way. Sounds like he's been on a really tight leash and has got fed up of it. If this was the other way round the DH would be called controlling and every other name under the sun.
Even if this was the case (it's not) him treating his own children coldly and cruelly while they sobbed does rather point to him being an absolute arsehole, no? Leave OP alone. She's got great support and practical advice on here. You berating her for fabricated wrongs is needless and frankly bizarre.
Ticksallboxes · 23/03/2022 23:33

@SexiestDogWalker

Someone once said to me that cheating men always downgrade. They’re either picking someone who knows they’re helping destroy a family and cause lasting damage to an innocent woman and children, or they’re picking someone who hasn’t got the intelligence or integrity to ask.
This!

I'm so sorry OP, but from what others with similar experiences have said, you'll come through this!!

HamstersBudgies · 23/03/2022 23:40

I relate to your situation .

All I can suggest is never lie to kids. Just be your normal and wonderful self, or will be ok!
( basically I'm sharing what I am trying to do, relating to your post xx)

Hunbabe · 23/03/2022 23:47

So sorry to hear this. Just wanted to say, a PP mentioned council tax discounts, but DS, in a student house, paid no council tax at all. ( We checked up, and it seems that if it is a purely student house, they are exempt.) Could this apply to you for the next few months? Maybe worth looking into, and all the very best to you

Nancydrawn · 23/03/2022 23:51

OP, ignore the critical poster, who (as others have said) often pops on threads with contrary comments.

You're doing a remarkable job. It's not going to be easy. But you are brave, and strong, and resilient, and such an important role model for your daughters. They're lucky to have you.

Thedogscollar · 23/03/2022 23:55

@Viviennemary

But you told him to leave. All he has done is gone out with a few friends and stayed out late. I reckon you shouldn't have confronted him in such an agressive way. Sounds like he's been on a really tight leash and has got fed up of it. If this was the other way round the DH would be called controlling and every other name under the sun.
What exactly is YOUR problem? Nasty unhelpful pathetic comments. Just do one VM.
Thedogscollar · 23/03/2022 23:57

Btw OP you sound amazing. Good luck with everything. Flowers

WriteronaMission · 24/03/2022 00:22

Oh OP I've just read through all your posts and I'm sorry. This was me a year ago. Pretty much the same thing. Great guy until he just changed. Or seemed to. I was going through a PTSD breakdown and I just didn't see the small things until it was too late, but I've stopped blaming myself for that now. I also realised that he wasn't so great and was actually emotionally abusive, narcissistic, and a compulsive liar.

A year on, I'm happier, healthier, and have some close friends who I adore spending time with. My kids have more friends that they ever did too. And we can finally stop moving from city to city because of his whims. He's stuck in one place and will end up miserable or just leave all our lives for good.

You've got some great advice to figure things out financially. You've got this. In a year's time, you and your girls will see how far you've come.

Flowers
Tigofigo · 24/03/2022 00:35

@Viviennemary

But you told him to leave. All he has done is gone out with a few friends and stayed out late. I reckon you shouldn't have confronted him in such an agressive way. Sounds like he's been on a really tight leash and has got fed up of it. If this was the other way round the DH would be called controlling and every other name under the sun.
Come off it... It's not like he's just gone out with his friends once or twice is it. It's every weekend PLUS late nights at "work" PLUS finding other excuses to get out of the house, all while OP was left to pick up the pieces and run everything at home. At best he was massively taking the piss.

Stop victim blaming and gaslighting.

DaphneSprucesPippasClack · 24/03/2022 00:51

Try and tackle one thing at a time.even If someone sits with you when you make calls. It will feel like tough emotional work but you will get through it.

Make sure once he's absolutely left that you go to entitledto and run the numbers on what benefits you are entitled to you'd be surprised what you can earn and claim.

The work situation sounds good re childcare!

Just keep putting one foot In front of another. Last but not least you need some legal advice. Even if it's just a one hour appointment to understand the financial situation. Don't be scared of doing this. He doesn't ever need to know you've done it. Information is power!

LaurenKelsey · 24/03/2022 01:42

@Gnomechange

I have nothing useful to add, unlike other posters. However, I need to say how classy and in control you seem. You are not letting him drag you down. You will be an excellent social worker.
I was thinking the same thing. Keep it going, OP. ❤️
Onthedunes · 24/03/2022 02:33

@Viviennemary

But you told him to leave. All he has done is gone out with a few friends and stayed out late. I reckon you shouldn't have confronted him in such an agressive way. Sounds like he's been on a really tight leash and has got fed up of it. If this was the other way round the DH would be called controlling and every other name under the sun.
The keyword is survival on the new frontier.

Op this post illustrates the gaslighting that will be thrust upon you in the coming months/years.

Take no heed, be firm in your decisions and don't doubt yourself, that will keep you in good stead for the difficult times ahead.

Disloyalty and betrayal can make you question your own reality, don't let others diminish what you feel, your feelings are valid.

Now, don't ever let others justify this treatment he has inflicted on you, don't listen to them they have strange issues.

Tossing gaslighters.