Husband walked out tonight

[Username2101]

In the past few weeks my steady reliable husband has changed drastically. He went on a works party and basically came back a different person, he's become extremely focused about his weight. He's going out every weekend with "friends" he's never mentioned before, he's coming home later and later from work and making excuses to get out of the house.

I confronted him tonight and asked him very bluntly wtf is going on, I mean all this basically screams other woman. He started going on about him wanting to spend time with his friends and that he's the ONLY person in the whole wide world who has to ask for permission. (He doesn't)

I told him if he wanted his freedom so badly he can pack his bags, piss off and have it permanently. He walked out and went to stay with his friend, the friend who has regular parties with all the local 18 year old girls who think that a 45 year old man with a big house and a swimming pool is exciting.

Now I'm panicking, what on earth do I tell the children in the morning about where their daddy has gone, I have 2 months left of my degree and I'm at bloody placement until May. How am I meant to advise people about their lives when mine is a disaster.

@Username2101

I'm just telling the girls that he had to go into work early for now. I have my game face on.

Thank you all for your kind words and support. It is really helping me from crumbling.

Don't you crumble!! Well done for the way you are handling this, take no shit from him, don't txt him either, talk to placement get some support and finish your degree, your so much better than him. Then deal with him. Xxx good luck

@Handsoffreturns

Ahhh so he’s had his head turned OP. That’s ok, you didn’t need 14 stone of useless dead weight in your life anyway. It hurts like hell now, you literally sob and think you’ll die of a broken heart but I promise you, you won’t. Better days are coming for you my lovely. You are going to get up, stronger, better and you’re going to walk through this great big bloody black cloud, and you’re going to come out the other side on to greener grass. You and your girls will form an unbreakable bond. Keep talking to them, keep checking in. Organise the special duvet days / movie nights. Create memories as the 4 of you. YOU CAN DO THIS.

When it feels right, start doing things for you. Join a gym, get a spray tan, hair cut/extensions, make over, nails, Botox if it takes your fancy (anything I’ve missed 🤔) Whatever your heart desires and whatever makes YOU happy, crack on and do it.

You didn’t ask to be, but you’re in control now. You’re running the show. You’ve got this x

I like this, thank you. I need to feel good about me again.

I could have wrote your post myself. I finished up my midwifery degree (contacted universal credits) they helped with childcare and money. I pushed through the last few months. Got all the bills into my name, contacted the child maintenance service, set allocated days he could have the children that fitted around mine and the Children’s lives - not his.
I ploughed through, the occasional break down in between, lost a fuck ton of weight, found a whole new me and can say that a few years down the line I’m happier than ever. I also didn’t fuck my career up, they were supportive and understanding and I’ve advanced in my career very well. If anything, it gave me the gumption to never rely on a man again.

There’s always another woman in this type of scenario…especially when they go this cold and towards their children… but you know the funny thing… when you just do you and move on- he will realise what he had and lost and he’ll want you back. The saying ‘don’t know what you have until it’s gone’ is bollocks. They know exactly what they had, they just took advantage of it. Mine tried coming back after 10 months later. And it was 10 months to late for him. I made it very clear the night he left ‘if you go out that door, I’ll kick it shut behind you and it’ll never be open for you again’ he left, and I no longer opened our family home to him again. He begged and pleaded after ten months and I knew that I had to set an example for our children, that if someone does you dirty, no matter how much you love them, you MUST love yourself more.
He’s a good dad to the children still, and I’m stronger than ever. He however, is still a miserable bastard.
I PROMISE YOU OP… you’ve got this!
P.S my children are lovely teenage boys now, who respect the people in their lives, talk fondly about women and understand the ways in which a woman deserves to be treated. I NEVER bad mouth their dad to them, I don’t have to, sadly he-at times- shows his misogyny all by himself. And my boys challenge him for it.
Best of luck to you, I promise these feelings pass in time xx

I’m so sorry for what you and your kids are going through. He is a revolting excuse for a man. I know you don’t feel able to help others while your world feels like it’s crumbling but you might surprise yourself. I’m a Social Worker and during a family crisis I was unable to work for a while - please do tell your course leader and whoever is mentoring you on placement - they will support you. I know this isn’t the focus just yet but this hideous experience will actually make you better at helpful others, you will have resilience and compassion and empathy, these are incredible qualities, even if they do tend to be the by-product of struggles in life. You have strength you never knew you had - people are capable of amazing things. Believe in yourself, be kind to yourself. Take things a day at a time.

Op you are so strong! You just don't know it yet!!! You were so courageous to kick him into touch : that took a lot! Now it's you and your girls and you will get through it together!! Your adopted sisters on mums net will have your back! Xxx

Of course you can change the locks. Why not? Doesn’t mean they can’t be changed back once you decide what you want to do. You’re not asserting sole ownership of the house by doing that, simply say that as you can no longer trust him, you would prefer that he came round only when you are there, when you can let him in….
In the meantime, I suggest that get your degree and placement finished and pull in all the favours you can from family and friends to help you achieve that. Sorry you are going through this ……

I was 14 when my dad did this. Broke my heart and caused a lot of issues for us growing up.

Things to keep an eye out for in your daughters over the next year or so: eating disorder signs, any evidence of self harm, hypersexuality. All affected either me or my sister and it seems to mostly come down to my dad leaving so suddenly.

I'd get them in some therapy as soon as you are able to afford it when you're working. Abandonment issues are a real bitch as are self esteem issues.

Model a powerful female figure for them OP. You're incredible. Have courage. And, a big fuck you to your ex.

Others have given you excellent advice and support. I just wanted to add a metaphor we use as therapists which you may find helpful (you asked how you are supposed to advise others on their lives). It’s the two mountain metaphor by Russ Harris. It’s not that I, as the therapist, am sitting on the top of the mountain, having sorted out my life and being able to tell you how to do your life. But rather that we are each climbing our own mountain, and from my vantage point on my mountain, I can tell you what might be helpful to you. You absolutely don’t have to have it all sorted. Good luck.

HUNI, LISTEN/READ…
Breath. Remember at this moment in time you do not have your rational head on. Imagine the future… you have 2 months left of placement… you have bettered yourself while looking after a family and home. Well done!!! Second. Think about what YOU want… obviously something has happened, either his cheated or some thing else has happened. He has got up and left remember that. These next few days/months will be testing… focus on you. STAY CLASSY. Men regret leaving when they look back and see the family they have don’t actually need him. In your head work out what you want and your next moves, get house valued and try and work out if you stay or go. Financially can you cut back to afford the out goings. Do you have assets you will need to split. Do not over react you can not control what he has done or is doing but you can control how you are and act. Take care and remember some of the best mums are single mums.

Keep telling your DD that they didn't make it happen. It was all him.

@greeningthedesert

Others have given you excellent advice and support. I just wanted to add a metaphor we use as therapists which you may find helpful (you asked how you are supposed to advise others on their lives). It’s the two mountain metaphor by Russ Harris. It’s not that I, as the therapist, am sitting on the top of the mountain, having sorted out my life and being able to tell you how to do your life. But rather that we are each climbing our own mountain, and from my vantage point on my mountain, I can tell you what might be helpful to you. You absolutely don’t have to have it all sorted. Good luck.

This is brilliant.

@MommaDuck

I could have wrote your post myself. I finished up my midwifery degree (contacted universal credits) they helped with childcare and money. I pushed through the last few months. Got all the bills into my name, contacted the child maintenance service, set allocated days he could have the children that fitted around mine and the Children’s lives - not his. I ploughed through, the occasional break down in between, lost a fuck ton of weight, found a whole new me and can say that a few years down the line I’m happier than ever. I also didn’t fuck my career up, they were supportive and understanding and I’ve advanced in my career very well. If anything, it gave me the gumption to never rely on a man again.

There’s always another woman in this type of scenario…especially when they go this cold and towards their children… but you know the funny thing… when you just do you and move on- he will realise what he had and lost and he’ll want you back. The saying ‘don’t know what you have until it’s gone’ is bollocks. They know exactly what they had, they just took advantage of it. Mine tried coming back after 10 months later. And it was 10 months to late for him. I made it very clear the night he left ‘if you go out that door, I’ll kick it shut behind you and it’ll never be open for you again’ he left, and I no longer opened our family home to him again. He begged and pleaded after ten months and I knew that I had to set an example for our children, that if someone does you dirty, no matter how much you love them, you MUST love yourself more.
He’s a good dad to the children still, and I’m stronger than ever. He however, is still a miserable bastard.
I PROMISE YOU OP… you’ve got this!
P.S my children are lovely teenage boys now, who respect the people in their lives, talk fondly about women and understand the ways in which a woman deserves to be treated. I NEVER bad mouth their dad to them, I don’t have to, sadly he-at times- shows his misogyny all by himself. And my boys challenge him for it.
Best of luck to you, I promise these feelings pass in time xx

This is amazing! Well done you, I hope a few of the women on here read this. Kick it shut behind him, perfect.

OP you can do this. I promise.

My partner of 15yrs walked out on me and our two children two weeks before Xmas. Same scenario, found the other woman earlier this month and it hurts.

I'm 4 months down the line and this week I can feel the fight coming back.

Finish your course, focus on that, you will be so proud you did.

A pp mentioned to check out his friends, I found the OW with a phone bill, and I listened intently to what he said even though I played that I wasn't. I then knew his new address. There will be some low moments coming your way. I'm not going to lie. Let them come, they pass. Eventually the low moments become less frequent and then pass quicker. It happens but it's fucking shit whilst it does.

You've had some sound financial advice and practical advice. Open your own bank account, list outgoing and incoming, check and balance.

Give the kids love and hugs, it takes time for them to reconcile what's happened so there's every chance you won't need to give too much information to them immediately. My 7yo is only just realising that daddy no longer lives with us.

For those moments you think you can't, you can. Listen to your kids breathing whilst they sleep, they will give you the strength for the next step. You can do this, break it down, small and manageable

@greeningthedesert I love that.

This screams other woman but can I just say that this:

He walked out and went to stay with his friend, the friend who has regular parties with all the local 18 year old girls who think that a 45 year old man with a big house and a swimming pool is exciting.

…is bloody ridiculous and I laughed out loud at this. Simply because 18 year olds have no interest in a 45 year old man with a pool except to use him for his pool, potentially offer sexual favours just because they are young and naive, but then piss off as soon as they have gotten what they came for.

I haven’t RTFT but it sounds like your husband is having a mid-life crisis, is an ungrateful prick and that you need to get rid of him. Pronto.

You deserve better than this. As do your children.

Move on from this waste of space as soon as possible. Hugs

Make a list of all your utility providers.
Are any of the families mobile phones in his name?
As the sole adult you will get 25% council tax discount (you have been getting student discount? If not call your council and they will backdate, mine did and my husband had a well paid full time job too).
Take meter readings for gas electric and water.
Whose name are the vehicles and car insurance in?
List any loans, credit cards, finance agreements and their balances.

Remember starting pay for social work where I am is 32k (Manchester) might be more where you are. You might well be able to work where your placement is, network where you can during your placement.

Wishing you all the best x

The poster who said this is his mess is right.

It’s not your mess. Not your drama. It’s his.

Really do empathise with you. Have been where you are and it destroyed me at the time. But please remember this is his crisis, his mess, not yours. And you can create a calm and peaceful space just for you and your girls without his shit.

Congratulations on your degree. You can do this. And you will.

@DaphneSprucesPippasClack

Make a list of all your utility providers. Are any of the families mobile phones in his name? As the sole adult you will get 25% council tax discount (you have been getting student discount? If not call your council and they will backdate, mine did and my husband had a well paid full time job too). Take meter readings for gas electric and water. Whose name are the vehicles and car insurance in? List any loans, credit cards, finance agreements and their balances.

Remember starting pay for social work where I am is 32k (Manchester) might be more where you are. You might well be able to work where your placement is, network where you can during your placement.

Wishing you all the best x

Thank you for this, I'm struggling to get my head around everything I need to do. Everything was in his name Bills Cars Phones etc. I can cut back to the minimum but I'm still going to struggle.

I'm aiming to stay at my placement (adults) the starting wage is £25k but the flexibility they offer with childcare etc is what I need more than anything else right now.

I never claimed the student discount, so that's interesting thank you.

I just wanted to send you strength, you have had some amazing advice and I can 100% guarantee you that life will get better again.

Some great advice on this thread - just make sure you take this callous bastard for as much of his precious jobs pension as you can.

@username2101 you will get through this. But just wanted to point out to you that your husband has waited until the most devastating time to mean you would fail your degree to pick this battle and I would put money on it he wanted to sabotage your career. You are days away from a career and a steady good wage which would make you independent and I think along with another woman that would also be a motivating factor. I have completed my social work degree last year and it is hard but worth it, please be honest with your onsite supervisor and practice educator and tell them everything. Social work placement is based on days not hours so ask to finish early and start late for a bit of breathing space, now is the time not to be an amazing student but just to get through it. You can do this.

Could be other woman/sounds sudden so could be an intense/short lived infatuation?
Or...could be a mid-life crisis.
Or...a reaction to the general madness and stress over the last 2 years.

Well done being able to study during all this and don't do or say anything hasty until you get the lie of the land. What a shame as it is so stressful. Take care ❤ xx

OP do you have friends or family that can come round and help you out to sort things? A clear head will be able to think of some things to arrange and hopefully be a good listening ear with a bottle of something strong.

You won’t believe me right now but he will regret this. It may be 5 months or in 5 years but at some point he will regret it

@Handsoffreturns

Ahhh so he’s had his head turned OP. That’s ok, you didn’t need 14 stone of useless dead weight in your life anyway. It hurts like hell now, you literally sob and think you’ll die of a broken heart but I promise you, you won’t. Better days are coming for you my lovely. You are going to get up, stronger, better and you’re going to walk through this great big bloody black cloud, and you’re going to come out the other side on to greener grass. You and your girls will form an unbreakable bond. Keep talking to them, keep checking in. Organise the special duvet days / movie nights. Create memories as the 4 of you. YOU CAN DO THIS.

When it feels right, start doing things for you. Join a gym, get a spray tan, hair cut/extensions, make over, nails, Botox if it takes your fancy (anything I’ve missed 🤔) Whatever your heart desires and whatever makes YOU happy, crack on and do it.

You didn’t ask to be, but you’re in control now. You’re running the show. You’ve got this x

Yes to all of this!!

I read your post this morning OP and didn’t have time to reply. But I was thinking of u. Same thing more or less happened me. He turned into a real bastard even to kids and nearly 2 years later is still one. Picks and chooses when it suits him to take them. I went through absolute hell and back and so did the children. He really dragged them through it too. My 7 year old was a wreak, he started to have panic attacks at a point. Me, well I hit the lowest of the low I could ever hit. And ex tried to drag me down some more while living a high live with his new fancy bit. Fast forward 2 years later and I’m so happy and so are my kids. You can do this my lovely. Trust me.