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Original poster

Partners strange behaviour

181 replies

wouldyoucare · 21/03/2022 10:05

Once every so often. I don't understand it, it doesn't feel right, his reply to when I challenge it or want to talk about it is 'I am who I am'. Can you please tell me if I'm over reacting
So, here it goes:
-when I drive the car and he is in the front passenger seat he would honk at random people and wave them as if he knew them, he then would moan if they don't wave back and say how boring they are
-he would push me for fun when we are out for a walk, he does it gently but I still think it is just stupid, he stopped when I told him to stop doing it
-he would throw something lightweight (leaf) at people in the park and then pretend it wasn't him.
-there is a few terraced houses along the road and one of them has a bench in the front garden. He would go and sit on that bench claiming the garden isn't fenced therefore he can sit in the bench how long he wants
-we don't live together, he suggested inviting my brother and sister in law for a dinner at his, he helped preparing it but just before they were due to come, he fucked off to the gym, ended up coming back home few hrs later.
We have christening in family in few months time and I'm anxious he is going to do the same thing.

He seems to have his own rules for everything and says he is different to other people. but the thing is I'm never sure wheat to expect of him and I feel anxious because of that. He minimises it and makes me feel I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Am I? Am I sleepwalking into some sort of a disaster?
How can I make him see how wrong is it?
He is 39.

OP posts:
OssieShowman · 22/03/2022 09:45

Seems to me he may be on the spectrum, with ‘quirky’ behaviour. He won’t change. It is his normal.

Deadringer · 22/03/2022 09:50

He is an idiot, and selfish too. Ltb

pinkyredrose · 22/03/2022 09:51

Seems to me he may be on the spectrum, with ‘quirky’ behaviour.

If he was on the spectrum he would've been like that all the time wouldn't he? OP says he wasn't like that to start with.

Noglassjustthebottleandastraw · 22/03/2022 10:02

OP my take on this is that he doesn't want to be with you anymore and is acting weird so you end it with him. It's like he's too scared to have the chat with you about breaking up so he's pushing you to do it.

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/03/2022 10:45

@pinkyredrose My autistic ex-h wasn't like it to start with. He masked it very well. It's a thing 🤷🏻‍♀️. Our son does the same thing and is also autistic. It's impossible to do forever though. Once ex was "comfortable", the behaviour deteriorated.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 22/03/2022 17:13

Run for the hills OP. He sounds dreadful.

KatherineJaneway · 22/03/2022 17:41

I couldn't be with someone who behaved like that. Embarrassing doesn't cover it.

Scooby5kids · 31/03/2022 11:15

Sorry I know this is an old thread but my dad is exactly like this and we have always wondered if he has some kind of neurodiversity that he's not been diagnosed with. He refuses to acknowledge the possibility though. He has done similar things to all of them things you mentioned. Some of them include...

  • Does annoying things to strangers, like pull faces behind their backs, sticks stickers on their cars, inappropriate jokes/innuendos and then the only person laughing is himself. Which has lead to him getting in altercations if he picks on the wrong people.
  • repetitive jokes/sayings that aren't even funny. For example "I'll eat my hat" or "What's up love, have you seen your arse?" to strangers!

-beeps horn at strangers

  • Will ask people for favours when he's not close to them even though it might be really annoying and he can tell the person finds it annoying.

-Deliberately disobeying rules because the rules are not written specifically enough, even though he knows what it meant. So for example i was once in the car with him and he parked near a sign that said "Do not park here" and it was obvious it meant the whole lay-by but he just parked a few meters from it and said "Well it doesn't say specifically here!" So similar mentality to your partner with the bench and that's exactly the kind of thing he'd do too.

Personally I would be wary because although it might not be his fault he is the way he is, If he's unwilling to acknowledge he may have a condition or something going on then it might mean difficulty for you later on down the line. My dad has a horrendous temper and he verbally abuses my mum all the time. He has made her life unhappy. He is very controlling, everything has to be his way and gets angry if anyone changes his routine. He blames everyone else for his mistakes and if things go wrong. He used to hit me and my brother when we were kids, he's just a very difficult man. I just think maybe you should look out for the red flags, try testing him a bit with boundaries to make sure he's not going to be an abusive partner, because sometimes it isn't revealed until you move in. Take care

DFOD · 31/03/2022 14:02

@Scooby5kids

Sorry I know this is an old thread but my dad is exactly like this and we have always wondered if he has some kind of neurodiversity that he's not been diagnosed with. He refuses to acknowledge the possibility though. He has done similar things to all of them things you mentioned. Some of them include...
  • Does annoying things to strangers, like pull faces behind their backs, sticks stickers on their cars, inappropriate jokes/innuendos and then the only person laughing is himself. Which has lead to him getting in altercations if he picks on the wrong people.
  • repetitive jokes/sayings that aren't even funny. For example "I'll eat my hat" or "What's up love, have you seen your arse?" to strangers!

-beeps horn at strangers

  • Will ask people for favours when he's not close to them even though it might be really annoying and he can tell the person finds it annoying.

-Deliberately disobeying rules because the rules are not written specifically enough, even though he knows what it meant. So for example i was once in the car with him and he parked near a sign that said "Do not park here" and it was obvious it meant the whole lay-by but he just parked a few meters from it and said "Well it doesn't say specifically here!" So similar mentality to your partner with the bench and that's exactly the kind of thing he'd do too.

Personally I would be wary because although it might not be his fault he is the way he is, If he's unwilling to acknowledge he may have a condition or something going on then it might mean difficulty for you later on down the line. My dad has a horrendous temper and he verbally abuses my mum all the time. He has made her life unhappy. He is very controlling, everything has to be his way and gets angry if anyone changes his routine. He blames everyone else for his mistakes and if things go wrong. He used to hit me and my brother when we were kids, he's just a very difficult man. I just think maybe you should look out for the red flags, try testing him a bit with boundaries to make sure he's not going to be an abusive partner, because sometimes it isn't revealed until you move in. Take care

This sounds hideous - so sad for everyone who has to endure his volatility, control and abuse.

It seems he has poor impulse control as well as some sort of deliberate resistance. Did he have an authoritarian or engulfing parent in his own childhood? He sounds like he in emotionally developmentally deficient - unable to “self regulate” or have empathy for others. Might explain it but doesn’t excuse i

I 100% agree with your advice to the OP - to move on and don’t look back. This behaviour is totally dysfunctional and will only get worse as he embeds himself and erodes boundaries - so you tolerate what isn’t “normal” or even respectful.

MostlyOk · 31/03/2022 14:20

For the first part of your post, I just thought that he sounded like he has a slightly weird sense of humour. I get that as someone in my family does too...he likes to do silly, unexpected cheeky things and he enjoys the attention. However, it's all good natured and he would never be rude to people or do something that would cause embarrassment or hurt. Your boyfriend crossed the line when he invited people for dinner and then went out. That's not funny and is just rude and childish and smacks more of a personality disorder than just an offbeat sense of humour.

SucculentChalice · 31/03/2022 15:33

he would push me for fun when we are out for a walk, he does it gently but I still think it is just stupid, he stopped when I told him to stop doing it
-he would throw something lightweight (leaf) at people in the park and then pretend it wasn't him.

These ones stood out. I would be concerned that he gets pleasure out of causing people distress and from breaking rules, and that its a personality disorder. Also the development in the behaviour since he met you seems to indicate that he has some awareness that it would have put you off before you were "hooked".

Possible form of psychopathy? But aware of how far he can go without getting arrested, obviously.

You also have to think about your reputation and how his behaviour might affect eg your work. If you have an idiot partner messing around doing stuff like this, it can affect how people see you even though its not you doing it.

I had an ex who (unbeknown to me) cheated on me, visibly with several people including 3 in my social circle. People definitely looked on me differently, some with pity, some thought I was into open relationships, some maybe thought I struggled to find a partner. I made sure to disassociate myself from him as much as possible when I did find out and we split up.

billy1966 · 31/03/2022 15:52

@Sparkletastic

He's seeing how much he can get away with. How much humiliation you will take.

You deserve better.

This.

He's a nasty head fxxk and you absolutely are sleep walking into a shit show.

He's a bully and you will be very foolish if you accept his moronic behaviour.

Stop trying to figure him out.

Dump him.

It's not you, it's HIM.

Mermaidwaves · 31/03/2022 16:01

@Waterfordaston

My vagina just zipped itself closed at some of these antics. Does he make honking noises when he touches your boobs?

Kill him.

This tickled me! GrinGrinGrin
Wartywart · 31/03/2022 16:09

His behaviour is not "wrong" as such - it's just not right for you. It makes you anxious and I think you should end the relationship because living life in a state of high anxiety is no good for anyone. It could lead to a breakdown or long-term depression for you. Protect your personal peace and leave him.

OnaBegonia · 31/03/2022 18:02

Please can we stop excusing arsehole men as having ADHD, it's beyond insulting and ignorant.
Some people are just arseholes/ abusive etc.

MyBottleOfRibena · 31/03/2022 19:09

Is he 14? He sounds like the class clown

middlingnot · 31/03/2022 20:46

So when did things begin to change? Does it feel like you're now seeing more of the real him and the early days was a performance or the other way round?

Cherrysoup · 31/03/2022 22:02

He is gaslighting you. Sounds horrible.

Scooby5kids · 25/04/2022 21:46

@DFOD yes his dad was in the army and he blamed all his anger problems on his dad. He can't even talk about his dad without going on and on about how bossy and abusive he was, but yet he doesn't see that he's exactly the same 🙈 he actually genuinely thinks he's been a great dad to us and never hit us or anything. I tried to remind him once and he got very defensive and started gaslighting me that it wasn't the way I remembered it

Lookingoutside · 25/04/2022 22:41

@Wartywart

His behaviour is wrong. Of course it is.

Opaljewel · 25/04/2022 23:00

OnaBegonia · 31/03/2022 18:02

Please can we stop excusing arsehole men as having ADHD, it's beyond insulting and ignorant.
Some people are just arseholes/ abusive etc.

I agree. I am absolutely fed up of people throwing around neurodiverse terms to explain shitty behaviour.

I have ADHD and I wouldn't dream id doing those things. They are bizarre and uncomfortable. I would absolutely hate drawing attention to myself in that way.

He sounds bloody annoying. I couldn't cope with it.

Opaljewel · 25/04/2022 23:00

Of* sorry

chisanunian · 25/04/2022 23:13

wouldyoucare · 21/03/2022 12:06

We have been together 15 months. And no, at the beginning he didn't behave like this. I would dump him if he was. It started gradually. He behaved like a mature person at the beginning and it is completely different now.
Im embarrassed when he does it but at the same time I feel unreasonable to end. Unreasonable and too demanding. That's what he says, I expect too much and complain too much.

Well, of course he didn't behave like that at the beginning, because he knew you'd think he was an utter dickhead and dump him.

So he reeled it in a lot, but now you're starting to see the real him, and which goes to prove that it isn't adhd or anything like that, because he can control his behaviour when he wants to.

You're not unreasonable, you're not expecting too much, you are simply expecting him to behave like a grown-up.

Sorry but he really is an utter dickhead.

Dubsub · 26/04/2022 07:58

I suspect that he only enjoys this when other people are the nub of his “jokes”. Test this out by turning things round in him. When he next interferes with your driving, pull over and ask him get out to check the boot is shut, then drive off and send him laughing emojis. Or hide from him when you are town with him and take yourself off to the gym. Etc etc.

needmorethanthis · 26/04/2022 08:07

He love bombed you at the beginning. He sounds like a narcissist. He’s now upping the ante and training you to accept shit behaviour. It’s all a game. You said yourself “if he’d behaved like this at the beginning you would have ended it”. So he can control himself and he does know it’s wrong. Why are you questioning your own gut? You don’t have to think what he thinks. If his behaviour disgusts you then that’s correct. You get to think what you want. He fucked off to the gym after inviting your family over. That’s out of order and nobody I’ve ever known has done that. Hundreds of people and some of them arseholes and nobody would do that. Your partner is wrong and not ok and he’s ramping up bad behaviour - it’s aggressive in a passive way and humiliating for you. It’s covert abuse. You are only 15 months in. Get out now before he makes you mentally unwell.