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Original poster

Partners strange behaviour

181 replies

wouldyoucare · 21/03/2022 10:05

Once every so often. I don't understand it, it doesn't feel right, his reply to when I challenge it or want to talk about it is 'I am who I am'. Can you please tell me if I'm over reacting
So, here it goes:
-when I drive the car and he is in the front passenger seat he would honk at random people and wave them as if he knew them, he then would moan if they don't wave back and say how boring they are
-he would push me for fun when we are out for a walk, he does it gently but I still think it is just stupid, he stopped when I told him to stop doing it
-he would throw something lightweight (leaf) at people in the park and then pretend it wasn't him.
-there is a few terraced houses along the road and one of them has a bench in the front garden. He would go and sit on that bench claiming the garden isn't fenced therefore he can sit in the bench how long he wants
-we don't live together, he suggested inviting my brother and sister in law for a dinner at his, he helped preparing it but just before they were due to come, he fucked off to the gym, ended up coming back home few hrs later.
We have christening in family in few months time and I'm anxious he is going to do the same thing.

He seems to have his own rules for everything and says he is different to other people. but the thing is I'm never sure wheat to expect of him and I feel anxious because of that. He minimises it and makes me feel I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Am I? Am I sleepwalking into some sort of a disaster?
How can I make him see how wrong is it?
He is 39.

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 21/03/2022 17:31

@wouldyoucare

We have been together 15 months. And no, at the beginning he didn't behave like this. I would dump him if he was. It started gradually. He behaved like a mature person at the beginning and it is completely different now. Im embarrassed when he does it but at the same time I feel unreasonable to end. Unreasonable and too demanding. That's what he says, I expect too much and complain too much.
It seems like he, was well behaved when you first got together and now he has shown the real him. At least that's my guess.
Original poster
wouldyoucare · 21/03/2022 17:36

Of course he is allowed to piss me off but come on! There are some socially acceptable rules such as trespassing being a no no. Imagine world without rules, it would be an utter madness.

ADHD? How things improve after diagnosis?

I'm so confused at this. Yes he is allowed to be himself but he knows me very well and knew I won't be accepting this from adult man, he must have known it because he put a nice act on for so many months Hmm

Thank you guys! Most of you understand where I'm coming from and I sympathise if you had to deal with this at some point in your life. We did have a big argument about the dinner situation after the guests left. He basically said it is only me who is moaning and looking for problems when they aren't there. He was happy, guests didn't complain (at least they didn't complain to him when he turned up well after the dinner) I thought I was going to fall apart from embarrassment. Blush

OP posts:
Ionlydomassiveones · 21/03/2022 17:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Tamworth123 · 21/03/2022 18:03

He basically said it is only me who is moaning and looking for problems when they aren't there. He was happy, guests didn't complain (at least they didn't complain to him when he turned up well after the dinner

Well they're hardly going to, are they?

They were probably surprised/thought it was weird etc but we're too well mannered and "stst out of it' to say anything. They wouldn't have wanted to embarrassed you or cause tension/conflict etc.

Tamworth123 · 21/03/2022 18:09

It's likely they thought or possibly said to each other "wtf was up with that, I thought we were going round for a meal with both of them, but she ended up hosting us/ having ot with us on her own ... and he headed off to the gym?! Confused.

He doesn't sound mentally or socially normal. Is he perhaps unable to even act "normally" and appropriately during a meal like that and so buggered off instead or is he just too selfish and thinks "u actually can't be arsed either that, I'd have to make an effort, I'm offski" whereas someone else would make an effort whether they anticipated enjoying it or not.

Whether he's neurotypical or not, He's not going to change. Your life will be full.of incidents like this, with unfortunate kids involved.

You're already stressed/tense, imagine having a family with hi.m.

Tamworth123 · 21/03/2022 18:10

*I actually can't be arsed with that

layladomino · 21/03/2022 18:17

Yeah I couldn't live with this. The odd behaviour, which he knows irritates you but keeps doing it, despite the fact he didn't do it before. The gaslighting.

Mayybe that's him now, and that's his choice. But you can choose to longer like or fancy him and to leave. His opinion on that isn't relevant.

Ourlady · 21/03/2022 18:18

Does he have any good points?

Notbeinfunnehbut · 21/03/2022 18:25

Your allowing him far to much power

I would be telling him your going to the christening alone and why,

WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 21/03/2022 18:34

I’d say he looks controlling.

This is like a power trip for him. He makes you walk on eggshells. You never know what he is going to do. He makes you feel uncomfortable and THEN tells you it’s all in your head because you are expecting too much….

Does he ever behave like that when he is with other people or just with you? Does he do that at work? With friends or family?

SirYawnsAlot · 21/03/2022 18:34

Sounds like his mask has slipped (was it a Ronald Reagan mask by the way?). So you're going to a Christening? Will it be blue dye in the font? Whoopee cushion under the pews?
When you send him the invite, send him to a different church, then see who's uptight. Doylum.

DatingDinosaur · 21/03/2022 18:36

He says ”I am who I am” ? Well if that was the case he would have behaved like that from the beginning so…

” And no, at the beginning he didn't behave like this. I would dump him if he was. It started gradually. He behaved like a mature person at the beginning and it is completely different now.”

I’d actually be tempted to call him out on that, tbh, and ask him if this behaviour is “who he is” why didn’t he behave like that at the start of the relationship?

I’d also be ending it because “who he is” isn’t the guy you thought he was. He basically pretended to be “who he is not” at the start of the relationship (probably because he knows he’d never ever get a girlfriend).

totallyoutnumbered · 21/03/2022 18:38

He sounds like an attention seeking tit. He's not wacky, he's actually just a bit of a knob. I'd be massively turned off by this. My DP makes me laugh all the time and doesn't have to resort to behaving like a man child 🙄

GenderCriticalTrumpets · 21/03/2022 20:39

Does he also say things like "I call a spade a spade?"

He sounds like a right dick head.

ESGdance · 21/03/2022 21:03

It’s not ADHD if he was able to fake it for many months until he had reeled you in. Classic abuser - love bomb, future fake, get them hooked, test the boundaries to a level of “plausible deniability” and keep pushing gaslighting and blaming you - keeping you walking on eggshells.

What’s his relationship history?

Waterfordaston · 22/03/2022 00:15

ESGdance can you say a bit more about boundary pushing and plausibility? (Sorry OP, a slight derailment)

Botanica · 22/03/2022 04:22

If he's this disrespectful when times are good, imagine how difficult it would be when times get bad.

Life is full of ups and downs and you need a life partner you can rely on, not one that makes a bad situation worse.

Imagine, god forbid, you had children with this guy, or had a difficult time, miscarriage, life limiting illness, family bereavement. He is not someone you can trust to be by your side when you need him, have the emotional maturity to deal appropriately with the situation, and provide the necessary support.

You cannot move forward in your life with some mine like this. You deserve so much better.

amymorris01 · 22/03/2022 04:44

If you feel on edge with him I think its time to leave.

Successgirl2022 · 22/03/2022 05:23

He is very immature for his age and an attention seeker.

I doubt I would carry on dating him acting like that.

I wonder what is his star sign? (I believe in Astrology 70%)

Original poster
wouldyoucare · 22/03/2022 06:05

He does have good sides, otherwise I wouldn't be with him. He's supportive of my goals, career. We used to talk a lot and have the same view on so many subjects.
We like to spend time in the same way if it makes sense? Wanted the same in life. Now it seems he is different, we don't talk that much any more, I'm not sure I even want to. There is more and more that bothers me as time goes by. But I raise anything - he says I'm over reacting, I'm looking for problems, I'm argumentative and expect too much.
Now it seems I can't have a sensible chat with him as any other point of view he takes as an attack on him and keeps saying 'do you really want to argue? Why are you even mentioning it in the first place?' when I call him out in his bullshit. I hate arguments and confrontation and I'm the last person who would want to argue with anyone! But at the same time I will stand up to him when he pushes boundaries too much.
I'm a little lost in all this when I keep thinking or feeling something and he says this isn't right and is completely opposite and he is so sure about it.

OP posts:
Casper001 · 22/03/2022 06:14

Sometimes I think this board over reacts and is very quick to criticise/ suggest ending relationships etc. However, I think from what you've described this relationship is really unhealthy. I don't think you want to get stuck with this man.

ESGdance · 22/03/2022 06:15

Common or garden abuser just shutting you up to achieve EXACTLY what he has done - so you don’t want to risk conflict (no one does) so YOU don’t speak up or talk. He likes that - he is in control and you tolerate.

Also he is using the classic abuser tactic of DARVO - when challenged he Defends, then Attacks, then Reverses Victim and Offender.

So it’s always twisted to become your fault.

You have no relationship here where you can’t even express your needs in anticipation of acknowledgment and cooperation.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 22/03/2022 06:17

I was going to ask how old he was, but I see now he is 39.

"The answer to this is that you can't. He's an immature man child who hasn't grown up and is never likely to do so."

^^ this x 100

ESGdance · 22/03/2022 06:19

@Waterfordaston

ESGdance can you say a bit more about boundary pushing and plausibility? (Sorry OP, a slight derailment)
@Waterfordaston “plausible deniability” is when they say or do something that is just below the belt and they have enough grounds to twist so that you feel petty …. so you don’t speak up. However it is the pattern and accumulation of lots of small digs that tells the story. And it’s an slow attrition of your boundaries where you wonder how did I get here - like boiling the frog.
Original poster
wouldyoucare · 22/03/2022 06:20

@Successgirl2022 His star sign is Pisces. How does that sound?

And his previous relationships. He was with ex for 12 years, split (he left) 3 years ago and has one DD with her. Relationship with ex is good I would say.

I've got such a mess in my head now. How he can go from being lovely, nice, flexible, acomodating to being such an arse to then flick back to be a nice person again?

OP posts: