Partners strange behaviour

[wouldyoucare]

Once every so often. I don't understand it, it doesn't feel right, his reply to when I challenge it or want to talk about it is 'I am who I am'. Can you please tell me if I'm over reacting
So, here it goes:
-when I drive the car and he is in the front passenger seat he would honk at random people and wave them as if he knew them, he then would moan if they don't wave back and say how boring they are
-he would push me for fun when we are out for a walk, he does it gently but I still think it is just stupid, he stopped when I told him to stop doing it
-he would throw something lightweight (leaf) at people in the park and then pretend it wasn't him.
-there is a few terraced houses along the road and one of them has a bench in the front garden. He would go and sit on that bench claiming the garden isn't fenced therefore he can sit in the bench how long he wants
-we don't live together, he suggested inviting my brother and sister in law for a dinner at his, he helped preparing it but just before they were due to come, he fucked off to the gym, ended up coming back home few hrs later.
We have christening in family in few months time and I'm anxious he is going to do the same thing.

He seems to have his own rules for everything and says he is different to other people. but the thing is I'm never sure wheat to expect of him and I feel anxious because of that. He minimises it and makes me feel I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Am I? Am I sleepwalking into some sort of a disaster?
How can I make him see how wrong is it?
He is 39.

I've got such a mess in my head now. How he can go from being lovely, nice, flexible, acomodating to being such an arse to then flick back to be a nice person again?

It’s the nasty nice loop - he senses that you are pulling away and then reels you back in with the “nice” - but the “nice” is also self serving and a manipulation for his benefit.

@ESGdance thank you, I haven't heard of DARVO

He sounds like a complete dick.

I dated someone like this once, it was awful. Far from entertaining, his behaviour felt oddly intimidating- like he was daring anyone and everyone to challenge his behaviour. Deeply unattractive, and I constantly felt on edge.
These are the same type of people who make these tedious prank videos and thrive on making people look and feel stupid. Do yourself a favour and find someone decent x

He's lucky someone hasn't knocked his teeth out for throwing things at them in the park. There's some people who wouldn't take kindly to that at all.

@Successgirl2022

He is very immature for his age and an attention seeker.

I doubt I would carry on dating him acting like that.

I wonder what is his star sign? (I believe in Astrology 70%)

Oh god, are we now going to start putting a man's shitty behaviour down to the stars 🤣.

He soundsike an immature dick. Any chance he's doing these things to try and annoy you so you end the relationship? I can't see how anyone would do these things and not know they were being a twat.

I’ve only read your op and I’ve got the ick!

He sounds awful and I’d have ditched him ages ago. I expect he thinks he’s the ‘life and soul’. Or is he ‘real’
Whatever it is you can do so much better

How stressful for you.

I would be on edge all the time.

Please end it for the sake of your own mental health. And for the sake of your social life.

I don’t believe it is due to ADHD. I think it’s controlling and it’s a way of isolating you do that you are too embarrassed to go out in case of what might happen.

I’d also do the freedom programme and read Lundy Bancrofts book Why does he do that. You can find it for free online.

This is the sort of stuff me and my friends might do in a state of high jinx when we were maybe 14. So yeah kinda weird he didn't grow out of that stuff, like 2 decades ago.

@Casper001

Sometimes I think this board over reacts and is very quick to criticise/ suggest ending relationships etc. However, I think from what you've described this relationship is really unhealthy. I don't think you want to get stuck with this man.

Agree.

He sounds abusive and obnoxious. Gaslighting little creep, frankly.

Wouldn't it be nicer to be with a mature, straightforward man?

Being widely regarded as a prat doesn't mean you're not having a good life or that you're doing something wrong. There are no rules. Especially not other people's opinions of you.

Of course there are rules and of course his behaviour is wrong. Honking car horn - distracting for driver, alarming for pedestrians and he could be fined for inappropriate use. Sitting on neighbours bench - this is trespass and stressful for neighbour. Throwing things at strangers - this is bordering on assault, and could be classed as breach of the peace "breach of the peace may be brought where someone is accused of disorderly conduct which is liable to cause fear, alarm or disturbance to others". If a strange man started throwing leaves at me or my DC I wouldn't just think what a prat, or laugh, I'd be seriously worried what else he was going to do.

There is plenty "wrong" with this prats behaviour. OP sadly you won't change him, so walk away, preferably before the family christening so he doesn't get to demonstrate his hilarious wackiness at the font.

@1forAll74

Maybe he still has a childs mentality, that is something he can't change, and its a locked in mental problem.

But he was able to hide it for months at the start of their relationship? Unlikely.

You can dump him for any reason. And any one of these would be enough for me! He sounds awful, op.

If he managed to behave normally when you were first together, then he's clearly deciding to behave like this now...

He's seeing how much he can get away with. How much humiliation you will take.

You deserve better.

I think he wants the relationship to end but he wants you to end it.Do you feel he may want his ex back in his life or maybe he's happy enough to be friendly with his ex and having a daughter as well is enough for him,he doesn't really want another relationship. I am not trying to annoy you but that could be a possibility

Throwing 'light' things at random people, is he trying to provoke a reaction.

He's very childish, i couldn't be with someone like that. On eggshells wondering whether an adult will behave appropriately or not......nah!

I agree with pps who say this is about control and power. It might look silly and childish (and it is that too) but it’s done to show that you can’t control him and if you try to argue he’ll shut you down. He probably does it when he feels he’s not in charge of the situation to gain some control back - eg you’re driving, or there’s a situation that feels like you’re a committed couple like the dinner. For that reason I think you’re right to worry about the christening.

Also if it wasn’t there to start with and it’s increased, it could increase further to full-on coercive behaviour and I wouldn’t risk that.

And lastly he’s putting his need to act like this above your feelings and other people’s feeling and safety. It’s not ok to push you, throw things, beep the horn unnecessarily or sit in someone’s garden. It’s threatening behaviour that at best makes people uncomfortable and at worst is dangerous, and he doesn’t have any empathy about that at all. That’s a very, very bad sign IME.

You don’t have to have any reason to end it, you can dump someone simply because you’re not feeling it, and you don’t have to win an argument or “prove” your reasons. If you want to end it you can. However, in this case I’d say feeling reservations about this bloke is extremely well-founded.

I doubt he honks his horn or throws things at strangers when he is alone or with colleagues / friends - I suspect he does it solely to get a reaction from you rather than the strangers.

I wouldn't have the patience for this. He's embarrassing and rude. If he's capable of behaving normally for long periods of time then it seems more like he's gaslighting you to tolerate his crap - testing boundaries. I'd scarper, personally.

But I raise anything - he says I'm over reacting, I'm looking for problems, I'm argumentative and expect too much.

And I think maybe what’s happening, and has happened to me in the past, is you let that affect you - it works on you. You think “oh… poor him, I must be really difficult, it’s me being oversensitive” and then you try to square that with your instincts and you feel confused, anxious and on unstable ground.

Instead, if you remember that that’s exactly how a controlling person tries to shut down criticism, you can think “no, this is poor behaviour, no one would like it and IANBU!” The very fact that he doesn’t react by listening to your feelings and considering his behaviour shows he isn’t a respectful, reasonable person.

Just to add I also think you have the ick and very hard if not impossible to reverse that

My ex-h was like this. He has ASD/ADHD. Mortifying socially awkward behaviour. Zero self awareness, unable to regulate behaviour, particularly in social situations. One example was walking into a room at a party and picking up a woman and throwing her over his shoulder "for a laugh". I spent my life trying to manage him in company. I think leave, I couldn't cope with that again.

Honestly, he sounds about 12. You're unlikely to change him OP so go find yourself a grown up partner who knows how to act and behave in a mature way.

I couldn't be dealing with that stupid shut, also leaving for the gym when he's invited your family to dinner at his house isn't "quirky" it's just rude

stupid shit *