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Original poster

Friend ignoring me since they had a baby

138 replies

Nisse23 · 15/03/2022 18:08

I have a close male friend whose wife has just had a baby. It’s their third child, and she’s a full-time SAHM. I am not friends with his wife.

For the past two and a half years, we’ve spoken more or less every day and hung out regularly. He’s described me as his best friend and has gotten a little upset with me when I haven’t responded to him within a couple of days on occasion. He’s usually the first to instigate conversations and tells me he misses me if we haven’t talked much. He’s not scared of double texting!

Before the baby arrived, he was very cagey about telling me the due date, never told me the gender, and showed other people scans but not me. I’m not super interested in his children, but I’ll always listen when he brings them up. I asked him in advance what I should expect from him in the first month - if he would want space, if he’d disappear for a bit, that kind of thing. He said he didn’t know what to expect but of course he’d want to speak to me. He was texting up until 10pm the day before the baby was due.

On the day she was due, I texted wishing them a smooth delivery. He sent back a short response along the lines that it went fine. And since then, crickets.

I’ve not had a single message from him. I can see he’s on LinkedIn all the time, has seen other friends to do some podcast creation, and posted about the new baby on Instagram. He’s also back at work. We use an app to talk where I’m his only contact, and I can see he was online a week ago, once, but didn’t message.

I feel… really confused. He’s basically cut me off. I’m wondering whether I should send a message to check in on him and ask about the baby, but it seems like it would be unwelcome.

I really miss my friend. I don’t have many friends, so this really hurts and I’ve felt really low. Is is strange for a new parent to do this and not share any info on their newborn? I’d understand if he was so overwhelmed he had no time to message anyone, but he has been seeing other people who he likes less than me! And finding time for side projects.

Should I reach out, or accept that for some reason he doesn’t seem to want me anymore?

OP posts:
Favourodds · 15/03/2022 18:09

I imagine his wife suggested this utterly inappropriate friendship end, tbh.

Pinkflipflop85 · 15/03/2022 18:10

Sounds like the wife has finally put her foot down. Amazed she has put up with this carry on for so long.

FionnulaTheCooler · 15/03/2022 18:11

Any chance his wife has found the messages and told him to cool it with you?

Horological · 15/03/2022 18:13

I imagine his wife suggested this utterly inappropriate friendship end, tbh

This

carefullycourageous · 15/03/2022 18:14

It sounds like you were having an emotional affair with a married man?

In my opinion, you are both better off out of it, no good will come of it.

We use an app to talk where I’m his only contact this has 'bad news' written all over it.

Winterfellismyhome · 15/03/2022 18:16

Sorry but using an app where you're the only contact would ring alarm bells for me

JuneOsborne · 15/03/2022 18:22

Do you think that this is truly a friendship? It sounds like more to me.

Smartiepants79 · 15/03/2022 18:24

For a married man with 3 children this sounds like an oddly intense friendship. You speak everyday?? I don’t talk to anyone everyday! And would find it very weird if my DH felt The need to speak to any of his friends everyday! Also a bit odd that you have nothing to do with the rest of his family. I’d expect a ‘best friend’ to make an effort with my husband and children.
Does your relationship not predate all his children? How was he when the others were born?
I have to say I agree with others. It looks like his wife had become uncomfortable with the level of investment you have in his life and possibly made him choose between you and his family.

Thinkbiglittleone · 15/03/2022 18:27

I have to agree with others. It would appear his wife has made him drop you as a friend.

Although he hasn't actually ignored you, he's just not engaged with you, maybe message to see what's happening, if there is no response there is your answer.

BOOTS52 · 15/03/2022 18:28

I would not be happy if I were his wife that he was spending so much time texting you and in contact with you. Can you not see how the wife might feel. You seem far too emotionally dependent on him and no harm wishing him and his wife well with the new baby but it seems like you only want him as a friend. For context where did you meet or become friends? When you have a new baby and it is their 3rd they must be very tired and all will be centred around the baby and his wife as she will need the support of her husband. Really I think you should try to make new single friends with a new hobby or something. Most people if they have friends are not texting every day and so much so this seems like more of an emotional crutch for you both and he has realized he is out of order. Different if you texted once in a while but not appropriate the level of contact you used to have. How would you like it if you were in a relationship and another woman was texting your partner non stop.

glowingcandle · 15/03/2022 18:32

Is he just a friend or is there something more between you? This sounds like a very intense friendship.

flipflopjump · 15/03/2022 18:34

Either he's realised his relationship with you is inappropriate or his wife has found out about it.

Ringmaster27 · 15/03/2022 18:37

I’m a person who’s always had more male friends than female due to a lot of time spent in a male dominated job. My best friend in the world is a man, and we speak at least every other day and always have done, including during the course of my marriage. But what you’re describing sounds awfully intense for just a friendship. I also find it odd that you aren’t also friendly with his wife and DCs? My best mate is married to a great woman, and they have 4 DCs. I was married up until last year and have 3 DCs. We were both friendly with each other’s spouses and made an effort with each other’s DCs too.
I know in your head it’s just a friendship, but it seems to me like his wife is looking at it as an emotional affair and has put her foot down. With the messenger app where you’re his only contact, in my head, someone only does that when they are trying to be secretive. Are you sure his wife knew about your “friendship”? Or is it possible that he’d kept it all a secret and she’s found out about it?
I never had any issue with exH having female friends, but this level of intensity would have me seeing red.

AmbushedByCake1 · 15/03/2022 18:37

That doesn't sound like friendship OP, it sounds like an emotional affair.

PearPickingPorky · 15/03/2022 18:39

Your friendship sounds entirely inappropriate, and you sound far too intense.

It's good that he's cooling it off. You need to stop stalking his online activity, and find something else to do with your time.

Original poster
Nisse23 · 15/03/2022 18:39

Some extra context:

  • I’m in a long term relationship myself and looking to get pregnant soon. I don’t want ‘more’ from him in that way
  • We met at work, though we no longer work at the same company. He had 2 kids when we met
  • His wife was completely uninterested in meeting me from the start. When I bumped into her once when I was with him she was quite dismissive. He said it’s because she doesn’t speak English well (they are not English)
  • I’ve offered to hang out with him and the kids, but he’s never wanted that
  • He’s a really good, engaged dad. He does a huge amount of the kid stuff, works full time and freelances to bring in more money so she and the kids get a good life. I don’t think he’s a ‘bad’ husband
OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 15/03/2022 18:40

Yeah if I was his wife I’d be saying enough is enough. Way too much contact for a casual friendship.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 15/03/2022 18:40

Friendship between men and women, yes, but once established ‘you must come over and meet my wife’ is usually the next step.

His wife has found out about all this messaging and calling and given him an ultimatum.

Good for her.

Bagelsandbrie · 15/03/2022 18:41

Or maybe he’s realised he has feelings for you and it’s easier to just distance himself?

MarthaFokker · 15/03/2022 18:44

You can't be that close if you can't be arsed to phone him.

If any close friend of mine wasn't picking up, I'd give them a quick ring just to make sure they're ok.

MarthaFokker · 15/03/2022 18:44

*Picking up messages

Allthecheeseplease · 15/03/2022 18:49

@Nisse23

Some extra context:
  • I’m in a long term relationship myself and looking to get pregnant soon. I don’t want ‘more’ from him in that way
  • We met at work, though we no longer work at the same company. He had 2 kids when we met
  • His wife was completely uninterested in meeting me from the start. When I bumped into her once when I was with him she was quite dismissive. He said it’s because she doesn’t speak English well (they are not English)
  • I’ve offered to hang out with him and the kids, but he’s never wanted that
  • He’s a really good, engaged dad. He does a huge amount of the kid stuff, works full time and freelances to bring in more money so she and the kids get a good life. I don’t think he’s a ‘bad’ husband
None of this stuff matters really. 'More' from him doesn't have to mean sexually. If you are sharing more emotionally with a friend (any friend amle or female) than you share with your partner then you need to look at your relationship. This, unfortunately, is how affairs, emotional and physical, start. You are looking outside your relationships for something htat your friend is fulfilling and the same for him. Like other posters ahve said most likely he either felt guilty or his wife told him to stop.
Whatsonmymindgrapes · 15/03/2022 18:49

You’re having an emotional affair.

What does your partner think about the friendship?

romdowa · 15/03/2022 18:53

It sounds awfully like an affair from your description... how can you not see that?

MintJulia · 15/03/2022 18:57

@Favourodds

I imagine his wife suggested this utterly inappropriate friendship end, tbh.
This. He has a wife and child. They are his priority.