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Original poster

Friend ignoring me since they had a baby

138 replies

Nisse23 · 15/03/2022 18:08

I have a close male friend whose wife has just had a baby. It’s their third child, and she’s a full-time SAHM. I am not friends with his wife.

For the past two and a half years, we’ve spoken more or less every day and hung out regularly. He’s described me as his best friend and has gotten a little upset with me when I haven’t responded to him within a couple of days on occasion. He’s usually the first to instigate conversations and tells me he misses me if we haven’t talked much. He’s not scared of double texting!

Before the baby arrived, he was very cagey about telling me the due date, never told me the gender, and showed other people scans but not me. I’m not super interested in his children, but I’ll always listen when he brings them up. I asked him in advance what I should expect from him in the first month - if he would want space, if he’d disappear for a bit, that kind of thing. He said he didn’t know what to expect but of course he’d want to speak to me. He was texting up until 10pm the day before the baby was due.

On the day she was due, I texted wishing them a smooth delivery. He sent back a short response along the lines that it went fine. And since then, crickets.

I’ve not had a single message from him. I can see he’s on LinkedIn all the time, has seen other friends to do some podcast creation, and posted about the new baby on Instagram. He’s also back at work. We use an app to talk where I’m his only contact, and I can see he was online a week ago, once, but didn’t message.

I feel… really confused. He’s basically cut me off. I’m wondering whether I should send a message to check in on him and ask about the baby, but it seems like it would be unwelcome.

I really miss my friend. I don’t have many friends, so this really hurts and I’ve felt really low. Is is strange for a new parent to do this and not share any info on their newborn? I’d understand if he was so overwhelmed he had no time to message anyone, but he has been seeing other people who he likes less than me! And finding time for side projects.

Should I reach out, or accept that for some reason he doesn’t seem to want me anymore?

OP posts:

use257 · 15/03/2022 21:35

Sounds like an emotional affair for him and you should respect his wife more. Telling eachother you miss eachother and using an app to talk exclusively to him?! No way would that be acceptable

MerryMarigold · 15/03/2022 21:38

In my head, his wife doesn’t consider me a friend, so I felt awkward sending something to that’s also to her, in case it wasn’t well received/wanted.

You're sending it the baby/ family usually. My DH's workplace sent something when we had a baby. They'd never met me!

I do think socially it is odd to be so close to someone and yet so distant from the rest of their life. All my friends, male and female, I know their spouses and I would spend time with them as families. It does seem odd to be so close to someone and yet so far from there daily life, and maybe that's what he liked about you. It must have been quite an escape, which becomes dangerous territory.

Babyvenusplant · 15/03/2022 21:45

I would have loved to have sent a gift but I didn’t want to be intrusive or overstep.

Oh the irony

Wonnle · 15/03/2022 21:51

Why do people prefix words with super these days ?

Is it hip n trendy like innit ?

brio4ever · 15/03/2022 21:54

Let's ignore the fact this relationship may be inappropriate or crossing lines, and that your friend is male.

You are complaining your friend hasn't texted you for weeks - but if I'm reading right - they were the last one to text and you never replied. You have also not congratulated them on a big life event. To me that seems that you are the one acting strangely and distancing yourself from the friendship.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 15/03/2022 21:56

@Wonnle

Why do people prefix words with super these days ?

Is it hip n trendy like innit ?

I noticed it in the States 25 years ago and now or seems to be used here more and more to replace 'very.' Probably picked up through socials. I don't mind it, I caught myself using it the other day.

alexdgr8 · 15/03/2022 22:25

OP, if i didn't know the circumstances, i would assume you are a teenager or student with a female friend.
it sounds like an earlier stage of emotional life.
it is not appropriate when the other party is married with children.
even for a female friend, let alone a male one esp where you are not a friend of the family.
spending time together, going to the pictures etc, talking everyday; it is just wrong.
you need to step away from this.
i am not suggesting there is a hidden sexual attraction element.
it is wrong regardless.
i wonder if they are from a different culture, and that has caused some confusion in how to navigate social norms here.
in which case you may have unintentionally taken advantage of being on home territory, and therefore having the upper hand.
you set the agenda and he followed, knowing that things are different here, but not having enough experience to understand the niceties.
maybe he was being polite, or hoping for some career advantage in associating with you, and explained it to his wife like that; they all go to the pub after work here, it's expected, i'll never get on if i don't join in, ..
and then it got beyond that and he didn't know how to get out of it.
maybe someone has said something to his wife, that he will get a bad reputation by looking as if he is having an affair, even if she believes he is not.
and how can he be going out socialising with you, when he has 2 small children to look after. maybe his wife is fed up of being treated like staff.
you also seem not very interested in children or family life, yet say you want to have a child. have you thought it all through.
and what does your partner feel about the whole situation.

Original poster

Nisse23 · 15/03/2022 22:33

@alexdgr8

OP, if i didn't know the circumstances, i would assume you are a teenager or student with a female friend. it sounds like an earlier stage of emotional life. it is not appropriate when the other party is married with children. even for a female friend, let alone a male one esp where you are not a friend of the family. spending time together, going to the pictures etc, talking everyday; it is just wrong. you need to step away from this. i am not suggesting there is a hidden sexual attraction element. it is wrong regardless. i wonder if they are from a different culture, and that has caused some confusion in how to navigate social norms here. in which case you may have unintentionally taken advantage of being on home territory, and therefore having the upper hand. you set the agenda and he followed, knowing that things are different here, but not having enough experience to understand the niceties. maybe he was being polite, or hoping for some career advantage in associating with you, and explained it to his wife like that; they all go to the pub after work here, it's expected, i'll never get on if i don't join in, .. and then it got beyond that and he didn't know how to get out of it. maybe someone has said something to his wife, that he will get a bad reputation by looking as if he is having an affair, even if she believes he is not. and how can he be going out socialising with you, when he has 2 small children to look after. maybe his wife is fed up of being treated like staff. you also seem not very interested in children or family life, yet say you want to have a child. have you thought it all through. and what does your partner feel about the whole situation.

Just to clarify, I’m the foreigner living in their country. I’ve lived here for 2.5 years.

for context. I’m in Scandinavia, where men and women are typically more relaxed in terms of having friends who are from the opposite gender.

OP posts:

Nietzschethehiker · 15/03/2022 22:39

Whatever anyone else feels about your friendship I haven't seen I don't think one of the most obvious possibilities. Let's say for example you are right, the DW has no interest or concerns etc about you.

She's just had a baby. Whilst it might not be her first there are a multitude of issues that come with that. If he is a decent man he could be focusing on her which would be right. Post natal depression, physical or emotional impact from the Birth can occur whether it's your 1st, 3rd or 24th. I guarantee however close exdh would have been to someone I would have filleted him if he had said a word about those to anyone. He would have just sent and "everything is ok" text because I didn't want anyone to know.

It's entirely possible that she is experiencing something and you wouldn't be told and honestly nor should you, and nor should you be a priority if that's the case.

Stay quiet and wait. There are many things that can be a problem at new born stage. None of them would be shared with even a close friend of the husbands.

Before you say it, no you would not be the right person to offer him support in that scenario. You would and should not be involved in that in anyway (there are some people who claim they can be the support for the man in that scenario....nope no , absolutely not in this case it would be inappropriate).

Carbiesdreamhouse · 15/03/2022 22:51

Whatever this relationship is, if he's cooled it and just had a baby you need to back off and stop being so needy. He's probably elbow deep in nappies, trying to feed the other kids, washing clothes every 5 mins.

You are not his priority nor should you be.

TerryChoc · 15/03/2022 22:52

@MerryMarigold

In my head, his wife doesn’t consider me a friend, so I felt awkward sending something to that’s also to her, in case it wasn’t well received/wanted.

You're sending it the baby/ family usually. My DH's workplace sent something when we had a baby. They'd never met me!

I was initially confused by the responses as I have a male friend I am close with and don’t want ‘more’, however, we go out either as just us me and him with both our children or as the two whole families. The last bit of this quote sums it up, it’s odd being so close to someone if you’re not invested with the whole family.

SparklingLime · 15/03/2022 23:05

Have you never worried that the daily messaging was intrusive, OP? To their marriage if not to him.

If you have never heard of an emotional affair before then I can see that you might not immediately understand the seriousness of the situation, but your boundaries definitely need work.

TristesseDurera · 15/03/2022 23:24

He’s nothing but kind about his wife, and he’s said I’ve helped make him a better husband.

That in and of itself is bloody weird.

Scornedwoman67 · 15/03/2022 23:27

@Incognito32

Not a single friend - NOT ONE - asked me 'what should they expect' during the first month of my child's life and whether I'd need space/disappear for a bit.

And right there OP is where you know just how absolutely inappropriate this "friendship" is.

My husband has 'female friends' - that I don't know from work - they sent cards and presents to the both of us after our baby because friends do normal things and they aren't 'secret'.

This. Absolutely.

Butterfly44 · 16/03/2022 04:34

The fact you use an app to talk where you are the only contact is far from normal.

You say you're in a long term relationship yourself. How does your partner feel about you messaging him every day and going to cinema etc? Reverse it all - how you you feel about your partner's shoes/your friends wife's shoes. It's an overly emotionally invested relationship that's inappropriate.

Lanareyrey · 16/03/2022 05:13

This is an emotional affair. Sorry OP.

Eviebeans · 16/03/2022 05:24

Could the feeling of not wanting to send a gift because of "not wanting to over step" be prompted by feelings of guilt by any chance? You think the wife doesn't see you as a friend and wouldn't welcome a gift. What do you think you could be doing that would make her feel like that...

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/03/2022 06:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedRobin100 · 16/03/2022 06:17

What is double-texting?

PleaseBeSeated · 16/03/2022 06:24

@RedRobin100

What is double-texting?

It’s something that causes bizarre angst on here in relationships — when. a person texts someone, doesn’t get a reply and texts them again anyway.

Baaaa · 16/03/2022 06:56

I asked him in advance what I should expect from him in the first month - if he would want space, if he’d disappear for a bit, that kind of thing this is very over the top.

I think to be honest he's just realised his family is the most important thing to him now. Just leave him alone and if he wants to rekindle the friendship he will. His focus is where it needs to be right now.

Sweetener12 · 16/03/2022 10:10

I felt awkward sending something to that’s also to her, in case it wasn’t well received/wanted
It's for the baby and not actually for her or for him and you are't obligated to do anything bigger than a gift card.
Of course his family is his priority now and you still can talk to him or email him a Father's day slideshow without worrying of being intrusive etc, but just don't expect things to be the way they once were. The whole setting is different now.

Sceptre86 · 16/03/2022 15:45

Your relationship is intense and that probably upsets her for whatever reason. If my dh was texting someone till late the day before I had my baby I would be pissed off at him for not focusing on me and pissed off at the other person because its inappropriate. Whatever you wanted to talk about could wait, it's not necessarily to have a conversation when she's at her most vulnerable and about to give birth.

It very much does sound like an emotional affair. Maybe she doesn't have issues with him having female friends but recognises something is different about you that you don't have the same boundaries? You said you have no issues with your partner having friends that are female and that's good for you, maybe she feels different. My dh has loads of female friends at work but they leave the relationship there, no texting or cinema trips.

yamadori · 16/03/2022 16:34

I have loads of male friends. I see several of them frequently as part of a wider social group and at events connected with our hobby mutual obsession. We get on really well together and enjoy one another's company.

What I definitely don't do is have any kind of friendship with them that passes beyond the group socialising and into seeing/messaging one another individually as friends, let alone going to the cinema or out for a drink together.

You don't do that when one or both of you is married or in a relationship with someone. You just don't. It crosses the line.

PleaseBeSeated · 16/03/2022 17:09

You don't do that when one or both of you is married or in a relationship with someone. You just don't. It crosses the line.

You don't do it. I do, completely unproblematically, with my male friends, just as I would with female friends, and we're all married (or, in one case, in the process of getting divorced for reasons entirely unrelated to me). I don't, however, message anyone every day, monitor their SM usage, ask them what I should expect in terms of 'neglect' when their wives have a baby, hesitate to send a baby gift in case their wife thinks it's 'weird' (?) or appear to be tapping my foot and looking at my watch until they reappear to carry out their bit of an extremely intense friendship. I'm friends with some of their wives, too, though I mostly see them in different settings.

One friend recently went completely silent for a couple of weeks (problem in relationship/leave to remain in country situation, it transpired). I respected this, and didn't take it as some kind of personal slight.

It is perfectly possible to have healthy opposite-sex friendships that involve seeing one another one-on-one, without it being some kind of marriage-sapping intensity

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