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Original poster

Friend ignoring me since they had a baby

138 replies

Nisse23 · 15/03/2022 18:08

I have a close male friend whose wife has just had a baby. It’s their third child, and she’s a full-time SAHM. I am not friends with his wife.

For the past two and a half years, we’ve spoken more or less every day and hung out regularly. He’s described me as his best friend and has gotten a little upset with me when I haven’t responded to him within a couple of days on occasion. He’s usually the first to instigate conversations and tells me he misses me if we haven’t talked much. He’s not scared of double texting!

Before the baby arrived, he was very cagey about telling me the due date, never told me the gender, and showed other people scans but not me. I’m not super interested in his children, but I’ll always listen when he brings them up. I asked him in advance what I should expect from him in the first month - if he would want space, if he’d disappear for a bit, that kind of thing. He said he didn’t know what to expect but of course he’d want to speak to me. He was texting up until 10pm the day before the baby was due.

On the day she was due, I texted wishing them a smooth delivery. He sent back a short response along the lines that it went fine. And since then, crickets.

I’ve not had a single message from him. I can see he’s on LinkedIn all the time, has seen other friends to do some podcast creation, and posted about the new baby on Instagram. He’s also back at work. We use an app to talk where I’m his only contact, and I can see he was online a week ago, once, but didn’t message.

I feel… really confused. He’s basically cut me off. I’m wondering whether I should send a message to check in on him and ask about the baby, but it seems like it would be unwelcome.

I really miss my friend. I don’t have many friends, so this really hurts and I’ve felt really low. Is is strange for a new parent to do this and not share any info on their newborn? I’d understand if he was so overwhelmed he had no time to message anyone, but he has been seeing other people who he likes less than me! And finding time for side projects.

Should I reach out, or accept that for some reason he doesn’t seem to want me anymore?

OP posts:
Uxori0us · 16/03/2022 17:11

I think you should message his wife and just check that he is okay x

Gonnagetgoing · 16/03/2022 17:18

@Uxori0us

I think you should message his wife and just check that he is okay x
@Uxori0us - no she should definitely not message his wife!

The man here has come out with all sorts of bullshit like telling OP his wife thinks their having a friendship has made him a better husband - like hell did the wife say this.

OP - I've seen that you're in Scandinavia - I have Scandi friends and used to work with a Danish man - yes they have more relaxed attitudes towards relationships/friendships with other sexes but they certainly also realise that boundaries can be crossed too.

You crossed boundaries, you probably know you crossed boundaries deep down - and yes you have other issues like Aspergers etc but just leave them alone for now. She's now a parent to a third child - so a baby plus her other 2 kids, her DH will be hopefully helping her. Send a card or whatever but that's it, back off and leave them alone. If you happen to bump into them after work/weekends then say hi and ask how they are, express an interest in the baby but that's it. Maybe they might ask you for lunch, coffee either out or at their house and that could be ok but maybe not.

DuckyNoMates · 16/03/2022 17:36

@Uxori0us

I think you should message his wife and just check that he is okay x
No do not do that!
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/03/2022 17:41

I am not friends with his wife.

Why on earth would you think this 'friendship' is appropriate? Sounds like an emotional affair. And by the way, with three kids (including a newborn) he might be a bit too busy for your cosy little chats.

lemongreentea · 16/03/2022 17:57

@Uxori0us

I think you should message his wife and just check that he is okay x
you are taking the mick and being obnoxious knowing full well the OP finds it difficult to read cues. encouraging her to do this is childish. grow up
CantStandMeCow · 16/03/2022 18:03

“He mentions that he misses me”.

There isn’t a single female/ female friendship that would hold onto this. You are over invested.

Bouledeneige · 16/03/2022 18:05

There's nothing unethical about make/female friendships. One of my best friends is a man I met on my first day of university and we studied abroad for a year together for our masters. I was his best man at his wedding and we have been friends through thick and thin. I love his wife.

We speak regularly and would usually meet up a 3 or 4 times a year for drinks. I also go and stay with them from time to time. My partners have always been fine with our friendship.

None of what you've described sounds normal or healthy. I don't talk to my closest female friend as often as you two were. His wife has put a stop to it or he realises it's wrong.

rogueone · 16/03/2022 19:11

Totally inappropriate. i would understand if you were a life long friend, your not- your someone he met at work a couple of years ago and it does seem to be an emotional affair with the daily messaging.

My DH had one close female friend from Uni who used to date his friend. It was very clear to me what her intentions were, they would go out for dinner , she would ignore me in my home and i told him he could get to fuck if i was having that little turd in my house and if he didnt like it he could fuck off with her. They havent seen or spoken to each other for 15yrs, He told me years later he felt uncomfortable on occassions as she clearly was after more...still gives me the rage

Ginger1982 · 16/03/2022 20:37

Sorry OP, but if he was my husband I'd be telling him that the excessive texting etc had to stop. I'd be massively uncomfortable with this.

ChickenStripper · 16/03/2022 20:52

There was a thread like this before I seem to recall.

I would say that men can be a bit weak and tolerate people sometimes as opposed to making a positive move to distance themselves from someone. It is likely @Nisse23 that he was putting up with you or he could have been flattered by your obvious attention. However 3 babies now on he has settled to what he should be doing which is helping out with his family - not going on visits to the cinema with you and all this other shite. Have some respect for everyone and stop. He is not your friend.

Before the baby arrived, he was very cagey about telling me the due date, never told me the gender, and showed other people scans but not me. I’m not super interested in his children, but I’ll always listen when he brings them up

I’ve not had a single message from him

He’s basically cut me off

Read these and stop stalking him about who he sees and what side projects he is doing. Whatever use you were to him before is done.

seashellsunderthesand · 16/03/2022 21:13

If I were you OP I'd not contact him unless he contacts you first, and even then I'd try and find a new type of relationship with him if you want to continue being friends.
It really is unusual for a man to use so much emotional energy on someone who isn't his partner or children. Speaking every day, walks, cinema etc, when does he find the time to give this much energy to his family and why does he prefer to spend that time with you and not his wife, kids.
I understand that you may find boundaries and interpreting/ understanding others difficult, so don't beat yourself up about it, but you both act like you are having an emotional affair, on your part possibly without realising. Now you know though, think about how to go forward. Personally I would find new friendships and concentrate on them. Maybe less intense friendships it with 2or 3 people rather that just 1 so it doesn't become stifling.

TrippinEdBalls · 16/03/2022 21:38

He was texting up until 10pm the day before the baby was due.

On the day she was due, I texted wishing them a smooth delivery. He sent back a short response along the lines that it went fine

Was he... texting you while his wife was in labour?

pollyroo · 16/03/2022 21:42

" I asked him in advance what I should expect from him in the first month - if he would want space, if he’d disappear for a bit, that kind of thing"

This /\ sounds a bit weird & controlling OP.

How about you just back off a bit & realise that it isn't just all about you?

Strange thing to want an answer to imo given the circumstances of new baby's arrival Confused

pollyroo · 16/03/2022 21:43

You sound a bit possessive too may I add

Gonnagetgoing · 16/03/2022 22:09

@ChickenStripper

There was a thread like this before I seem to recall.

I would say that men can be a bit weak and tolerate people sometimes as opposed to making a positive move to distance themselves from someone. It is likely @Nisse23 that he was putting up with you or he could have been flattered by your obvious attention. However 3 babies now on he has settled to what he should be doing which is helping out with his family - not going on visits to the cinema with you and all this other shite. Have some respect for everyone and stop. He is not your friend.

Before the baby arrived, he was very cagey about telling me the due date, never told me the gender, and showed other people scans but not me. I’m not super interested in his children, but I’ll always listen when he brings them up

I’ve not had a single message from him

He’s basically cut me off

Read these and stop stalking him about who he sees and what side projects he is doing. Whatever use you were to him before is done.

@ChickenStripper - or sometimes they like the attention. A few years ago I worked on a project and had to deal with the project manager and sometimes he’d come to London for work. I had to stay in another city with other workers for work and he offered me a lift to the station which I accepted. We became friends but I always kept him at a distance even though he gave me a bible (he was Mormon) and we emailed but as friends. My best friend then moved to the next city near him (her home town) and he suggested we met for lunch one time which I did. His wife was sick with breast cancer though and after this he mentioned things about what if she died and me which I wasn’t interested in at all! I decided then to cut off contact with him but I was being nice and I was also depressed after a recent breakup and close family bereavements. I realised this man loved the attention from an attractive younger woman but I honestly was friends and not in EA territory.
phizog · 16/03/2022 22:39

You watch TV with him? Without his wife??

How does a man with 2 children have time to watch TV with you without his wife?

Being on the spectrum is not an excuse to not question how a man with children has the same level of free time and energy to give you. Clearly that is time taken away from his family. And I think you do need to re-assess what you think friendship is. No one should be giving a friend more equal amounts of themselves as they give their young children!!

If you need a friendship of this intensity, I would suggest your own relationship is lacking a level of emotional depth and companionship. Friendships are not supposed to take up this much time and headspace.

babywalker56 · 17/03/2022 04:10

I remember a similar thread like this not too long ago too. People in the comments were saying similar how the OP was too invested and it sounded like an emotional affiar.

I'm not sure how you can say you're just friends/nothing more when you said you speak to him on an app where you're the only contact. That in itself is so strange?
I agree with pp that it sounds like his wife has finally put a stop to this unusual set up and you should just take a back seat. You didn't even congratulate this so called close friend when he had his baby lol. Weird

WTF475878237NC · 17/03/2022 06:26

You wanted more than any normal married friend can give. I can't keep up with my friends as much you two were in touch. Entirely inappropriate regardless of your own life circumstances.

Maray1967 · 17/03/2022 08:37

There is no way I would tolerate my DH having this kind of relationship - it’s far too intrusive. And I write this as someone who happily goes out to dinner or to the cinema with male colleagues /former colleagues either in a group or if no one else is available when they’re visiting, just the two of us. But what I’m not doing is texting on a daily basis - I might email or text a former colleague once every few weeks about something they will be interested in or to pass on news about mutual colleagues - not just to have a chat.
It sounds like he was spending far too much time with you/messaging you and, speaking as a wife, this sounds as though she has put her foot down and I can’t blame her. This is not an appropriate relationship.

Jobsharenightmare · 17/03/2022 09:08

It sounds like your boundaries are off and you can't judge what is socially acceptable or not and he/his wife just have more important things on now. Could be various reasons for this. Many people have difficulties with emotional/relational intelligence, is this something you recognise?

DearlyBeloathed · 17/03/2022 09:08

I asked him in advance what I should expect from him in the first month - if he would want space, if he’d disappear for a bit, that kind of thing. He said he didn’t know what to expect but of course he’d want to speak to me

That sounds way more like an emotional affair than friendship.

Theyulelog · 17/03/2022 09:35

You have been having an emotional affair. He knows you have been having an emotional affair and the new baby has put everything into perspective for him. He wants to concentrate on his family. Your relationship was inappropriate.
Leave him alone and move on and focus on your relationship with your partner.
Think of his wife and children, she is not happy with you stepping foot in their marriage.

yamadori · 17/03/2022 14:39

@PleaseBeSeated

What I definitely don't do is have any kind of friendship with them that passes beyond the group socialising and into seeing/messaging one another individually as friends, let alone going to the cinema or out for a drink together.

You don't do that when one or both of you is married or in a relationship with someone. You just don't. It crosses the line.

You don't do it. I do, completely unproblematically, with my male friends, just as I would with female friends, and we're all married (or, in one case, in the process of getting divorced for reasons entirely unrelated to me). I don't, however, message anyone every day, monitor their SM usage, ask them what I should expect in terms of 'neglect' when their wives have a baby, hesitate to send a baby gift in case their wife thinks it's 'weird' (?) or appear to be tapping my foot and looking at my watch until they reappear to carry out their bit of an extremely intense friendship. I'm friends with some of their wives, too, though I mostly see them in different settings.

One friend recently went completely silent for a couple of weeks (problem in relationship/leave to remain in country situation, it transpired). I respected this, and didn't take it as some kind of personal slight.

It is perfectly possible to have healthy opposite-sex friendships that involve seeing one another one-on-one, without it being some kind of marriage-sapping intensity

I don't do it because with the vast majority of my male friends, I don't know their wives very much - if at all - because they're not involved in the hobby. I cannot imagine any of them being the slightest bit impressed if their DH decided to go to the cinema or out for a drink/meal ('one-on-one' as you put it) with another woman.
aSofaNearYou · 17/03/2022 14:46

I'm by no means saying you and he don't view this as a perfectly innocent friendship, you may well do, but it is quite intense. This level of expectations, discussions etc around what you expect from each other, talking every day etc are much more like a relationship. I think it's probable that his wife is uncomfortable with it, and I would take the hint from that. By all means continue to have close friendships with him and other men, but you need to be a little less intense than this.

Original poster
Nisse23 · 17/03/2022 19:54

I thought I’d come back with an update.

He reached out today apologising for being absent. There were some initial difficulties post-birth, so he’s been (rightfully) focused heavily on the newborn’s health. I told him to take all the time he needs and wishing them all well.

And I think we should probably put this thread to bed now.

OP posts: