Friend ignoring me since they had a baby

[Nisse23]

I have a close male friend whose wife has just had a baby. It’s their third child, and she’s a full-time SAHM. I am not friends with his wife.

For the past two and a half years, we’ve spoken more or less every day and hung out regularly. He’s described me as his best friend and has gotten a little upset with me when I haven’t responded to him within a couple of days on occasion. He’s usually the first to instigate conversations and tells me he misses me if we haven’t talked much. He’s not scared of double texting!

Before the baby arrived, he was very cagey about telling me the due date, never told me the gender, and showed other people scans but not me. I’m not super interested in his children, but I’ll always listen when he brings them up. I asked him in advance what I should expect from him in the first month - if he would want space, if he’d disappear for a bit, that kind of thing. He said he didn’t know what to expect but of course he’d want to speak to me. He was texting up until 10pm the day before the baby was due.

On the day she was due, I texted wishing them a smooth delivery. He sent back a short response along the lines that it went fine. And since then, crickets.

I’ve not had a single message from him. I can see he’s on LinkedIn all the time, has seen other friends to do some podcast creation, and posted about the new baby on Instagram. He’s also back at work. We use an app to talk where I’m his only contact, and I can see he was online a week ago, once, but didn’t message.

I feel… really confused. He’s basically cut me off. I’m wondering whether I should send a message to check in on him and ask about the baby, but it seems like it would be unwelcome.

I really miss my friend. I don’t have many friends, so this really hurts and I’ve felt really low. Is is strange for a new parent to do this and not share any info on their newborn? I’d understand if he was so overwhelmed he had no time to message anyone, but he has been seeing other people who he likes less than me! And finding time for side projects.

Should I reach out, or accept that for some reason he doesn’t seem to want me anymore?

Not a single friend - NOT ONE - asked me 'what should they expect' during the first month of my child's life and whether I'd need space/disappear for a bit.

And right there OP is where you know just how absolutely inappropriate this "friendship" is.

My husband has 'female friends' - that I don't know from work - they sent cards and presents to the both of us after our baby because friends do normal things and they aren't 'secret'.

my sister is best friends with my sister and a man have been best friends since aged 4. They have always been extremely close, socialise together etc (usually meet up once a week). He now has two kids and is married. They include the wife on some of these occasions too but also meet 1:1. They message maybe a couple of times a week and it will be more chatty/ funny stories etc, definitely not anything about missing each other. I think that and the daily messages between you is what makes this seem more like an emotional affair and less like a normal friendship. It all sounds very intense and I think most wives would feel uncomfortable with this

So your Affair partner is concentrating on his family now and you don’t like it 🙄

You mentioned initially that the wife is a stay at home Mum and in a later post that he works very hard to give her a nice life.
It's almost as though you feel that his financial input to his wife should give him free rein to devote his attention and time to you while she keeps house!
It all sounds incredibly intense OP, and also sounds like his wife has told him to withdraw from your friendship.
Like a PP mentioned, the idea of asking him what to expect from the friendship in the first few weeks after the baby arrives is really quite odd.
His focus and time should be on his growing family as they take priority over any friendships he may have.
Maybe if you have your own family you'll realise how strange this situation sounds to others.
I think you just need to accept his cooling off decision and move on.

Wow OP I agree with what everyone has said above.
I set my best male mate and oldest pal up (they now own a house together and engaged - bloody good job really as that would have been awkward if it didn't work out !)

My interactions with him have NEVER been daily. We occasionally meet for breakfast half way like every 6 months but I mostly see them together as a couple (not local) and see my female best friend loads more.
Occasionally the odd meme shared on FB etc.
What you're describing is an emotional affair and I'd be absolutely fuming/he'd be out on his arse in the cold if my DP had an app where another woman was the only contact.... how iffy does that look

@Incognito32

Not a single friend - NOT ONE - asked me 'what should they expect' during the first month of my child's life and whether I'd need space/disappear for a bit.

And right there OP is where you know just how absolutely inappropriate this "friendship" is.

My husband has 'female friends' - that I don't know from work - they sent cards and presents to the both of us after our baby because friends do normal things and they aren't 'secret'.

I would have loved to have sent a gift but I didn’t want to be intrusive or overstep. I’ve never tried to keep our friendship a secret; and as far as I know, he’s been honest with her about meeting me. We don’t do anything unusual. Go to the cinema, take some walks, go out for a drink, watch TV.

I sent that message because I wanted to see if I could do anything to help, and if he needed space so he could focus just on his family for the first tough few weeks/months.

I don’t fully understand some of the comments on here. I don’t think anything bad towards his wife, don’t want her husband, and think everyone needs someone they can confide in. That person may not always be their partner. I have no issue with my partner having female friends who he messages regularly either.

Not a single friend - NOT ONE - asked me 'what should they expect' during the first month of my child's life and whether I'd need space/disappear for a bit.

I was coming back after the OPs update to highlight this bit. It's just not normal, this isn't a normal friendship.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable if my husband was in that intense of a friendship either. Sorry OP.

This isn’t a friendship, as many have said it was an emotional affair

I have had an emotional affair.

OP, your posts have all the signs of an emotional affair. He probably realized what he was doing and realized he needed to focus on his marriage and family.

For a friend you speak to every day, so strange you wouldn’t send a gift- also wtf him saying that he didn’t know what to expect with his third child (same as the first two).
I think his wife has probably cracked and I don’t blame her

15 SIGNS YOUR FRIENDSHIP HAS CROSSED THE LINE

1. When talking to your friend, you feel more comfortable confiding in them than you do your spouse.
2. When talking to your friend, you share negative thoughts or feelings that you have toward your spouse.
3. When talking to your friend, you share intimate details about your life, more so than with your spouse.
4. You do not share the extent of your friendship with your spouse.
5. Your spouse does not know about your relationship with your friend.
6. You would feel uncomfortable if your spouse were to listen in on the conversations you have with your friend.
7. You find yourself thinking about your friend more than you know you should be.
8. You look forward to being with your friend more so than with your spouse.
9. You meet your friend alone for coffee or meals without your spouse knowing about it.

10. You regularly engage with your friend on social media without your spouse’s knowledge. 11. You feel a sexual tension or attraction when you are with your friend. 12. You and your friend are discussing the sexual tension you are both feeling in the friendship. 13. When you and your friend are alone, you interact differently than when other people are around. 14. You find yourself regularly looking forward to meeting with your friend. 15. You are in love with your friend. If you disagreed with all these statements, then most likely you are not having an emotional affair. If you agreed with most of these questions, then you may be involved in an emotional affair.

From this link www.goodtherapy.org/blog/is-your-friendship-becoming-an-emotional-affair-0822184

Even if you disagree with all of these, your friend may not and the EA could be on his side.

I thought this was just about talking daily, I didn't realise you went to the cinema etc. So his wife sits at home with the children while the two of you go out? I'd be pissed off if I was her. What does your bf think? Does he accept you're just friends?

That person may not always be their partner. I have no issue with my partner having female friends who he messages regularly either.

You're not the first person to have a male-female friendship, there's no point going down that route. Everyone isn't saying this because they're insane, jealous housewives who wouldn't let their partner have a female friend. What you described in your OP isn't normal friendship, it's too much.

Your framing is bizarre. Noone would think a gift for a new baby was intrusive, it's a completely normal new baby occurrence.

It's all off, but I don't think you're going to be willing to accept that.

@Nisse23 I think pp are wrong — I’m like this with my best friend, who is a lesbian, and I too would be very worried if she didn’t get back to me within a fairly short space of time, even though she’s happily married and so am I. But I do think the responses of pp may give you your answer — the wife has misinterpreted and lost it and, because you aren’t in fact having an affair, he’s pulled back.

@Favourodds

I imagine his wife suggested this utterly inappropriate friendship end, tbh.

this

I have more male friends than female friends.
One I spoke to daily, we confided in each other and I got along really well.
He wasn’t being forthcoming with his partner and she didn’t know that we were talking as often as we were. This made her uncomfortable and she was not happy with it continuing which I completely understood and respected.
I was annoyed that he thought that our friendship was something that needed to be kept hidden from his partner. Since then we’ve met up as a group but it’s definitely left me wanting to keep my distance from him.
I think it’s nice you’ve had someone you’ve been close to for so long but it seems very strange that you were the only one he spoke to on a certain app. That feels like he is hiding things. Hes certainly got more friends on the app now.
I know you say you’re in a relationship and looking to get pregnant but I’d ask for you to check your feelings for the other guy because it seems a little odd to be checking his online status etc
I think his wife has either told him that it’s a bit much or he’s realised himself that he should be focussing on his family right now.

@Favourodds

I imagine his wife suggested this utterly inappropriate friendship end, tbh.

First post nailed it

Ethics of male/female friendships aside, if there's one time in someone's life you can quite reasonably expect them to be too distracted to contact friends, it's just after the birth of a new baby. If you've not been in touch, you don't know what's been going on, maybe baby has been poorly, maybe wife is unwell or has ppd. Instead of stalking him on social media to see when he last logged in or who else he's been talking to (seriously?!), drop him a message, don't ask for anything, just say you hope everyone's well. I agree with the other commenter that he's not ignoring you at this point since you haven't contacted him either.

going to the cinema, drinks, sitting around having watching tv and all the while the wife is at home minding the small children. Wait until you have your own child and see how you will feel if your partner/husband is out going to the cinema, drinks while you are at home with the baby. I think it is rude that you did not send a gift to the new baby. That in itself seems suspicious. It is like you do not want any interaction with his wife but you have to understand his wife and small children are his priority. Just weird all around and if I were you I would stop being so needy towards him and available and concentrate on your single friends whether they are male or female. You almost come across as if you expect to be a big priority in his life.

@BOOTS52 has hit the nail on the head. The whole thing is just weird to be honest.

Totally inappropriate and weird. I hope the third baby made him wake up and prioritise his family.

@Favourodds

I imagine his wife suggested this utterly inappropriate friendship end, tbh.

Yep, and rightly so.

No point in playing wide eyed here, you are obsessing over this man, have a secret app for each other, do activities that couples do, communicate with each other far too often to be anything other than an emotional affair. His wife ought to be disgusted at you both.

Offering to hang out with him and his kids, that’s just strange, he is a ex work colleague and friend you are too involved in their lives and need to step back.