Friend ignoring me since they had a baby

[Nisse23]

I have a close male friend whose wife has just had a baby. It’s their third child, and she’s a full-time SAHM. I am not friends with his wife.

For the past two and a half years, we’ve spoken more or less every day and hung out regularly. He’s described me as his best friend and has gotten a little upset with me when I haven’t responded to him within a couple of days on occasion. He’s usually the first to instigate conversations and tells me he misses me if we haven’t talked much. He’s not scared of double texting!

Before the baby arrived, he was very cagey about telling me the due date, never told me the gender, and showed other people scans but not me. I’m not super interested in his children, but I’ll always listen when he brings them up. I asked him in advance what I should expect from him in the first month - if he would want space, if he’d disappear for a bit, that kind of thing. He said he didn’t know what to expect but of course he’d want to speak to me. He was texting up until 10pm the day before the baby was due.

On the day she was due, I texted wishing them a smooth delivery. He sent back a short response along the lines that it went fine. And since then, crickets.

I’ve not had a single message from him. I can see he’s on LinkedIn all the time, has seen other friends to do some podcast creation, and posted about the new baby on Instagram. He’s also back at work. We use an app to talk where I’m his only contact, and I can see he was online a week ago, once, but didn’t message.

I feel… really confused. He’s basically cut me off. I’m wondering whether I should send a message to check in on him and ask about the baby, but it seems like it would be unwelcome.

I really miss my friend. I don’t have many friends, so this really hurts and I’ve felt really low. Is is strange for a new parent to do this and not share any info on their newborn? I’d understand if he was so overwhelmed he had no time to message anyone, but he has been seeing other people who he likes less than me! And finding time for side projects.

Should I reach out, or accept that for some reason he doesn’t seem to want me anymore?

As some others have said here, this is totally inappropriate and you should have backed off, put a lid on this way before now. In fact I’m surprised your partner hasn’t picked up on this unless you’ve kept it secret from him.

Own your behaviour, leave this man and his family alone and make more friends (but not male ones you develop intense friendships with!).

His wife has done you both a favour by putting a stop to this.

"We don’t do anything unusual. Go to the cinema, take some walks, go out for a drink, watch TV".

I suspect he is busy now, with a baby !!

you sound weirder with each post OP.

Maybe get some therapy and look at how you dont have any boundaries and how unhealthy that is. are you like in this other parts of your life aswell? needy, clingy and delusional?

It's strange you think that it's overstepping by sending a gift to your best friends baby.
This suggests that you know the friendship isn't just friends. There's no situation where I wouldn't give a gift to my best friend when they had a baby- male or female friend.

My husband and I both have friends of the opposite sex. Very good friends. What you are describing here is, frankly, fucking ridiculous.

Your 'friend' is busy with his family and you are rightly not a priority.

We use an app to talk where I’m his only contact

How do you know this?

And why would it be necessary?

Quick read of OP’s previous posts say that two professionals suspect she has Aspergers/high functioning autism.

Not that that means much here. Apart from maybe it’s harder for her to read boundaries etc.

It's weird you think it would be intrusive to send a gift to your very good friend's baby (if all is as above board as you say)

I would have loved to have sent a gift but I didn’t want to be intrusive or overstep.

Why would it be intrusive or overstepping to send a new baby gift to someone you say is a close friend who you speak to every day?

It's intrusive and overstepping precisely because you know this specific friendship isn't an appropriate friendship and there's already a layer of tension because of it.

Otherwise you wouldn't have asked him whether he would be needing space after the baby arrived.

Honestly, the wide eyed act is a bit embarrassing in this case 😬

@2girls

It's strange you think that it's overstepping by sending a gift to your best friends baby. This suggests that you know the friendship isn't just friends. There's no situation where I wouldn't give a gift to my best friend when they had a baby- male or female friend.

Yes, this — several of my close friends are men, including my best friend, and while I’m in fairly frequent contact with them, they’re really important to me, and we do go to see films or have a meal, it has nowhere near the one-to-one emotional intensity you describe. You do also sound as if you regard his wife and children as some kind of boring distraction from your friendship. I can’t imagine asking any of them ‘what to expect’ after the birth of their baby, and how much slack I’d have to cut them! My best friend has recently been deeply consumed with his girlfriend applying for right to remain, and I haven’t been tapping my foot and looking at my watch!

Totally weird.
I don’t know if you’re deliberately being obtuse or you’re just totally self-unaware.
Going to the cinema, drinks, hanging out watching TV… with a married dad of two kids. Hmm. What’s his wife doing whilst you’re hanging out?
Not sending a present for the newborn? Why not?
A texting app where you’re the only contact? Is this normal? What app is this?
Check your intentions out seriously OP.

You say they aren't English - where are they from? Any cultural reasons?

He and his wife have just had a third baby, his wife is likely very tired and needs a lot from him. He may well be running around with the older 2 while wife manages the baby.

It sounds like you've also got a very intense friendship. Maybe his wife is feeling vulnerable and a bit put out by the level of contact ?

I have 3 very close male friends, I do text one most days but when I had my baby he gave me lots of space.

How long have you known him and has your partner met him?

He’s supposedly your best friend. The only reason sending a card or taking a present would be overstepping is if you already know - somewhere deep down - that this ‘friendship’ isn’t a friendship but is actually already overstepping.

Even if you won’t admit it, it sounds like either he’s realise this is deeply inappropriate or his wife has seen the depth of it and insisted he put a stop to it.

As well she should.

And you need to have a long look at why you’re insisting this is ok if you have a long term partner who you’re planning a child with.

@NatriumChloride

Totally weird. I don’t know if you’re deliberately being obtuse or you’re just totally self-unaware. Going to the cinema, drinks, hanging out watching TV… with a married dad of two kids. Hmm. What’s his wife doing whilst you’re hanging out? Not sending a present for the newborn? Why not? A texting app where you’re the only contact? Is this normal? What app is this? Check your intentions out seriously OP.

In fairness, the male friends I do similar with in two cases also have children, but much older ones, so it’s not like they’re leaving their wives home alone with a newborn and two older children. One is divorced, so I tend to see him during the time his kids aren’t at his.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a social life and spouses taking it in turns to go out, but not when there’s a new baby on the scene.

@lemongreentea

you sound weirder with each post OP.

Maybe get some therapy and look at how you dont have any boundaries and how unhealthy that is. are you like in this other parts of your life aswell? needy, clingy and delusional?

I have seen a therapist and they encouraged me to try to keep friendships. I always worry about being intrusive, so generally keep to myself as much as possible. But this person knows me and until now, has always wanted me around.

I probably don’t owe a stranger calling me a weirdo on the internet an explanation, but for context’s sake, as another poster pointed out, a few therapists/psychologists have said I’m likely to be on the ASD spectrum. Sometimes I don’t understand exactly how people perceive me and what is a normal interaction. That can be really stressful for me and I am aware of it, which is why I asked for help here. I’m not one for preaching #bekind, but calling someone clingy and delusional who you don’t know seems a little mean-spirited.

@Allthecheeseplease

15 SIGNS YOUR FRIENDSHIP HAS CROSSED THE LINE

1. When talking to your friend, you feel more comfortable confiding in them than you do your spouse.
2. When talking to your friend, you share negative thoughts or feelings that you have toward your spouse.
3. When talking to your friend, you share intimate details about your life, more so than with your spouse.
4. You do not share the extent of your friendship with your spouse.
5. Your spouse does not know about your relationship with your friend.
6. You would feel uncomfortable if your spouse were to listen in on the conversations you have with your friend.
7. You find yourself thinking about your friend more than you know you should be.
8. You look forward to being with your friend more so than with your spouse.
9. You meet your friend alone for coffee or meals without your spouse knowing about it.

10. You regularly engage with your friend on social media without your spouse’s knowledge. 11. You feel a sexual tension or attraction when you are with your friend. 12. You and your friend are discussing the sexual tension you are both feeling in the friendship. 13. When you and your friend are alone, you interact differently than when other people are around. 14. You find yourself regularly looking forward to meeting with your friend. 15. You are in love with your friend. If you disagreed with all these statements, then most likely you are not having an emotional affair. If you agreed with most of these questions, then you may be involved in an emotional affair.

From this link www.goodtherapy.org/blog/is-your-friendship-becoming-an-emotional-affair-0822184

Even if you disagree with all of these, your friend may not and the EA could be on his side.

Thanks for sharing this. It’s very helpful.

We’ve never talked badly about our partners. He’s nothing but kind about his wife, and he’s said I’ve helped make him a better husband. Obviously I don’t know her perspective on that.

I think the only statements I agree with are 14) but I always look forward to seeing a friend because I don’t socialise that much, and 13) because I really struggle to be myself with many people and I can relax around him.

Of course I can’t answer all of them for him, but I can definitely say many of the points don’t seem to apply to how he acts either.

Fair enough OP. If you have issues with deciphering social cues that must be hard. So I'm sorry for being blunt in my previous post.

But normal friendships where there is no hidden agenda - you would just message 'congratulations on your baby, text me your address! I want to send a gift'.

Maybe a couple of weeks later you'd message and say - how's it all going? Hope you're not having too many sleepless nights! Let me know when you've got a spare 30 mins so I can buy you a drink and see some cute baby pics. Give my best to your wife, how's she getting on?'

That would be an appropriate friendly way of being there for a friend who has recently had a baby. It's not intrusive.

This may be an appropriate platonic friendship from your side and I believe you that'sall this is to you. It may be the same for him, or not. But as you can see people outside the friendship perceive it as something entirely different. So it's possible that his wife has decided it is too intense and taking his attention away from his family too much. Especially with a new baby in the mix. He has chosen his wife and family.

Cowardly to just drop you like this without explanation, but I suspect his wife has had enough of the constant contact and one to one meeting that she may see as too similar to dates.
He has taken up a lot of your friendship time and energy for a long time. Perhaps you need to use that time and energy now to develop other friendships, and see him as a practice run for how you can be appreciated for being yourself. There will be others that you become relaxed with as you get to know them more.

look OP if you want honest answers then your posts about him not always being her partner and having friends as emotional support systems over partners are weird, clingy and delusional. f you have diffculty in understanding social cues then that must be difficult but have you considered you are the mean-spirited one for massively over stepping typcial friendship boundaries and the negative impact that that had on his wife?

btw he also sounds like he was playing along with this and sounds like a bit of a twat to prioritise you over his wife and 2 small children.sounds like his wife has had enough with the birth of the third child and hes made the decision to prioritise her and the dc as he rightly should.

if you are serious about trying to understand how others perceive you then work on your boundaries and try not to overstep them in future, especially with maried men. good luck

@Incognito32

Fair enough OP. If you have issues with deciphering social cues that must be hard. So I'm sorry for being blunt in my previous post.

But normal friendships where there is no hidden agenda - you would just message 'congratulations on your baby, text me your address! I want to send a gift'.

Maybe a couple of weeks later you'd message and say - how's it all going? Hope you're not having too many sleepless nights! Let me know when you've got a spare 30 mins so I can buy you a drink and see some cute baby pics. Give my best to your wife, how's she getting on?'

That would be an appropriate friendly way of being there for a friend who has recently had a baby. It's not intrusive.

Thank you. I really don’t mean it to sound like an excuse, but understanding people is something I get pretty anxious about as I tend to think very literally and I sometimes need people to give me a sense-check when it comes to emotions. So I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

In my head, his wife doesn’t consider me a friend, so I felt awkward sending something to that’s also to her, in case it wasn’t well received/wanted. Does that make sense? Clearly I was thinking about in from the wrong perspective. Also I don’t know many people with kids, so I’m new to the social etiquette around what you’re meant to do. I’ll try and do better with the next person I know who has a baby.

I held off saying congratulations and following up because I wanted to give him space to enjoy his new baby and support his wife fully right now. Again, to not be intrusive. And I thought he should take the lead on sharing the baby details when he/they are ready to. I just didn’t expect it to be weeks, so I got worried I’ve done something wrong and maybe even offended him by not sending a congratulations.

Thanks again for the suggestions. I’ll hold off for now and give them both space. I genuinely would feel horrendous if I’d made his wife feel unhappy/worried when she has a newborn. Despite how it may have come across, I’d like to think I’m not a cruel person.

Your new posts give more context.

Just send a quick text 'hope everything is going well with the new baby - thinking of you and the family!' and leave it there for now.

If you haven't said congratulations at all yet, he may think it's a bit odd.

@Incognito32

Not a single friend - NOT ONE - asked me 'what should they expect' during the first month of my child's life and whether I'd need space/disappear for a bit.

And right there OP is where you know just how absolutely inappropriate this "friendship" is.

My husband has 'female friends' - that I don't know from work - they sent cards and presents to the both of us after our baby because friends do normal things and they aren't 'secret'.

This!!!!

OP - just on the back of this. Yes to sending a text to him but also yes on backing off a bit. He or his wife may know you have aspergers etc or they may not but they may also just want more time together as a family. Some women aren’t keen on their husbands having female friends and I think it’s probably best to back off from this one. Or at least give him a bit more space. I do think it’s a close friendship for you to have with a married man.

OP you've had some good responses here.

I think since he's had the baby he's probably re evaluated what matters to him the most, that isn't you

You need to accept that friendships change especially when people have children.

Send him a text or call once a month, but other than that, in the kindest way, get your own life.