Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair. Regret telling her the truth

134 replies

Noclosure · 15/03/2022 17:31

I had a relationship with a married man last year. But before you all absolutely annihilate me let me say that he did a real number on me and was dishonest about his situation before he reeled me in.

We started working together. He had been there a long time and I was new. It was his job to train me up. We met in mid 2020.

So from day 1 we spent a long time with each other, sometimes up to 60 hours a week only not being together when we had a toilet break.

Looking back I know I was really vulnerable and he saw that. I'd recently separated from my husband and was in a pretty good place, starting to think about dating again, we discussed this.

He told me he was also separated. He basically spun me what I now know to be called 'the script'.
He had also established this lie within the office to make it all the more convincing so at the time I had no reason to doubt as others seem to also think he wasn't with his wife.

We became closer and closer friends until the inevitable happened. We started seeing each other and I was so happy. We said we loved each other, had talked about the future, timelines of our children meeting. The lot.

It went on for a year, with it progressing from an intense friendship to a physical relationship for the last 8 months of that year.

I decided to call it off, despite really, really liking him I grew weary of him seeming unavailable so I suppose I knew that something wasn't adding up. I called it off and we were both sad.

We still stayed friends though, by this point we were no longer working directly with each other but messaged frequently.

I started to date someone else and he told me he was devastated by that but hoped I could be happy.

We'd been in the friend zone with no face to face contact at all with each other for about 3 months when one day I woke up to 4 missed calls from him and several others from another mobile number. This was really unusual as he would usually message first but I got worried that something had happened to him so I called straight back.

He answered in a panic and explained that one missed call was from him but the others were from his wife and she had taken my number out of his phone and wanted to talk to me.

I'm not sure exactly what he said back on that phone call it is all a bit of a blur but essentially and OBVIOUSLY to me now, he isj

OP posts:
Original poster
Noclosure · 15/03/2022 17:35

He is still with the wife very much so.

I said well I hope you are not expecting me to lie for you? He said do what you want.

So when she called me I answered ALL of her questions completely honestly and candidly. So she knows most of it.

She has stayed with him

After this, she has put strict conditions on him. He is not allowed to look at me/be in same room/contact/ etc etc

This is really horrendous for two reasons. We still work for the same company, not directly together but same building so if I'm there he just gets all his stuff together and Huffs out.

The worst thing though is that for me, we have gone from having frequent contact and being very close friends to absolutely zero. No conversation about what happened, no ability to get closure for me at all.

How do I get over this?

OP posts:
ancientgran · 15/03/2022 17:37

You just accept it is over leave them alone to work out what they want and get on with your life.

candles1298 · 15/03/2022 17:38

Why would you even want a friendship or a conversation with someone who has treated not only his wife, but also you, so horrendously?

thebellsesmereldathebells · 15/03/2022 17:39

How awful for you Sad and what an utter snake he is. Pathetic, snivelling worm. You're better off without him, even if it doesn't feel like it yet.

I think you just have to hold firm, ignore him as much as possible and try to heal in your own time, away from him and his lies and manipulation. He deserves the hell he's made for himself, I hope the twat is enjoying it.

Puddington · 15/03/2022 17:39

Sometimes you just have to make your own closure, as hard as it is to accept. Yes it'll be a bit awkward still having to be around him but nothing he could say to you would make how he treated both you and his wife okay, and no friend would have done that to you. He is the past now, look to your future.

beddygu · 15/03/2022 17:40

She has stayed with him

It's quite normal, did you expect her to not stay?

horseyhorsey17 · 15/03/2022 17:41

I am so sorry that you were lied to and strung along like that. Firstly, he's not really your friend. Friends don't do that. I am sorry if that sounds harsh. And this isn't your fault, and I don't see why you should be treated like the 'bad guy' by him acting like a pearl-clutching aunt every time he's around you. It must be horrible. I am sure if you ignore him for long enough, it will stop being such a ballache eventually, but I'd be tempted to look for another job. Having said that, I don't see why YOU should leave. Maybe you could speak to HR? Just a thought. (Might be a terrible one).

Chloemol · 15/03/2022 17:46

Just be grateful you found out the truth and let him get on with it

Ignore him whenever you see him

lemongreentea · 15/03/2022 17:46

why do you want a friendship with him? seems bizarre as you know hes trying to make a go of it with his wife. move on and look after yourself. he will probably move onto someone else soon who is weak and vulnerable.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 15/03/2022 17:47

Hopefully he will huff himself off to work somewhere else.

He isn’t huffing because he can’t speak to you or be in the same room.

He is huffing because you told the truth. His life is now difficult rather than complicated because you didn’t lie for him.

He might have said ‘do what you want’. I’ll guarantee he didn’t mean it.

You want to feel better? You should already be feeling better for losing a cheating, lying, huffy arsehole.

Onwards and upwards OP. Your biggest gift to yourself is to behave with dignity while he has his lickle mantrums.

Theunamedcat · 15/03/2022 17:51

I think you should have drawn the line clearer between friendship and working relationship after you split

Too late now how does your boss feel about this ridiculous situation

Original poster
Noclosure · 15/03/2022 17:54

I just regret it as I think if I had not told her about the affair then maybe she wouldn't have put these strict conditions on him and everyone else at works knows now too because he's so dramatic.

Moving isn't really an option. Everyone in the organisation knows anyway now.

I know he's a shit but I was so happy. It was a lie and not real I know but I thought it was the real deal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noclosure · 15/03/2022 17:56

It's been 6 months since that phone call and I still think about him every day

OP posts:
thebellsesmereldathebells · 15/03/2022 17:56

I think you did the right thing. She has a right to make informed decisions about her future too, you've afforded her more dignity and personhood than her shit of a husband has.

I know it feels awful though Flowers

Original poster
Noclosure · 15/03/2022 17:57

We have different bosses so I have no idea. NOBODY has mentioned it to my face. It's like the elephant in the room

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 15/03/2022 18:01

You need to dim that torch your carrying for him its blinding you

He is a cheat
A liar
Immature

Why did his wife peg you after you split? I bet he had number three on the go and he threw you at her to stop her from finding out

OhMygodddd · 15/03/2022 18:01

Ok, so the problem is your not over it. Are you even angry yet at what he done to you? What stage do you think your at?
Time heals most things or teaches you to cope better, maybe you just have to wait it out a bit longer?
What would help distract you from this? Do that.

Original poster
Noclosure · 15/03/2022 18:01

She rang me that time after as she found all our messages and call logs.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 15/03/2022 18:04

So add blatantly stupid to the list or arrogant bell end

Any idiot knows to delete messages

lemongreentea · 15/03/2022 18:04

@Noclosure

It's been 6 months since that phone call and I still think about him every day
please get some therapy for yourself and work out why you go for unavailable men. he sounds like a shit btw, using you for sex and now behaving like a child. vile man. do the work and once you are better and have been single and happy to be alone you can meet someone available who doesnt lie and sneak around his wife and children to meet his bit on the side for a meaningless shag. you sound young OP and its a mistake vulnerable young women make.he picked you out because you are vulnerable and weak willed and ready to be fed any number of lies. use this time to grow up and mature in your thinking and understanding of what a healthy relatonship looks like. you can put this in the past and move on or you can choose to obbess over a loser, liar and a cheat.
AwayInMyMind · 15/03/2022 18:10

Only you can help yourself move on from this.

Knowing that he is a pathetic lying worm should help.

sophienelisse · 15/03/2022 18:10

He lied to you about something really fucking important.

To get what he wanted.

He put you in the position you had to speak to his wife.

He's put you in a shitty position in work.

Stop thinking he is your friend. He isn't. Friends don't act like that.

If he has done this to his wife he would do it to you too. He's proven that. And he's got the audacity to have the arse with you for the position he has put you in.

You don't need to miss him you need to be done with him. Cheeky bastard.

Original poster
Noclosure · 15/03/2022 18:11

What sort of therapy would you recommend do I just look for general counselling or is there a specialist thing I can Google? I feel like he's ruined my life

OP posts:
buckeejit · 15/03/2022 18:15

He's a prize prick & glad your sixth sense told you to get out when you did. Counselling sounds like a good idea.

What you thought you enjoyed with him was built on a massive lie. I wouldn't want any kind of relationship with someone like that. General counselling should help. Remember you have done nothing wrong & his mess is his own doing. You shouldn't feel bad any time he leaves the room in work, although I'm sure it's awkward

Turningpurple · 15/03/2022 18:17

So he lied to you. But then over time, you knew the truth but continues to ignore it.

Now you are upset that you were honest with his wife. You wished you had backed up this liar, who screwed his wife over and you, so you could still be friends with him?

You do realise, no matter how unfair it is, that as a woman and the newer person at work this will reflect worse on you and impact your career more? He knew that. Didn't care. He knew he wasn't actually going to leave her. Didn't care. He carried on messaging you and lying to his wife. Didn't care. Wanted you to lie and cover for him and didn't care about trying to make you lie.

And you miss him?

I don't mean to be cruel, but you obviously aren't seeing him for what he is.