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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair. Regret telling her the truth

134 replies

Noclosure · 15/03/2022 17:31

I had a relationship with a married man last year. But before you all absolutely annihilate me let me say that he did a real number on me and was dishonest about his situation before he reeled me in.

We started working together. He had been there a long time and I was new. It was his job to train me up. We met in mid 2020.

So from day 1 we spent a long time with each other, sometimes up to 60 hours a week only not being together when we had a toilet break.

Looking back I know I was really vulnerable and he saw that. I'd recently separated from my husband and was in a pretty good place, starting to think about dating again, we discussed this.

He told me he was also separated. He basically spun me what I now know to be called 'the script'.
He had also established this lie within the office to make it all the more convincing so at the time I had no reason to doubt as others seem to also think he wasn't with his wife.

We became closer and closer friends until the inevitable happened. We started seeing each other and I was so happy. We said we loved each other, had talked about the future, timelines of our children meeting. The lot.

It went on for a year, with it progressing from an intense friendship to a physical relationship for the last 8 months of that year.

I decided to call it off, despite really, really liking him I grew weary of him seeming unavailable so I suppose I knew that something wasn't adding up. I called it off and we were both sad.

We still stayed friends though, by this point we were no longer working directly with each other but messaged frequently.

I started to date someone else and he told me he was devastated by that but hoped I could be happy.

We'd been in the friend zone with no face to face contact at all with each other for about 3 months when one day I woke up to 4 missed calls from him and several others from another mobile number. This was really unusual as he would usually message first but I got worried that something had happened to him so I called straight back.

He answered in a panic and explained that one missed call was from him but the others were from his wife and she had taken my number out of his phone and wanted to talk to me.

I'm not sure exactly what he said back on that phone call it is all a bit of a blur but essentially and OBVIOUSLY to me now, he isj

OP posts:

BOOTS52 · 15/03/2022 20:04

Why would you even want a friendship with him after all his lies. Just move on as you now have a new partner also. I feel sorry for the wife but she is a fool to take him back as he lied to her for all that time also so understand how she is feeling also. If I were you I would be angry at him and find your anger and ignore the piece of crap that he is.

tkwal · 15/03/2022 20:04

Sorry OP but the best thing would be for one of you to change jobs . The reason you can't stop thinking about him is because you believed his lies for such a long time and now you're still seeing him almost every day. . You have basically been robbed of the future you thought you had and you need time and space to come to terms with that.

As for his wife, she's not solving anything by forbidding him to look at you.I wouldn't imagine yours was the first affair he's had, and it won't be the last. Lying is second nature to him, you almost have to admire his chutzpah in convincing everyone at work they had separated

greasyshoes · 15/03/2022 20:07

The worst thing though is that for me, we have gone from having frequent contact and being very close friends to absolutely zero. No conversation about what happened, no ability to get closure for me at all.

What were you expecting?

To me, it sounds like you were trying to be clever by telling his wife everything, so that relationship would fall apart and this man would then be yours.

Of course, you didn't consider all of the possibilities. You didn't expect her to stay with him. Now your mouth is hanging open in disbelief and you have to deal with the consequences of having lost a friend.

oldtableleg · 15/03/2022 20:08

" we have gone from having frequent contact and being very close friends to absolutely zero"

But that's good, why on earth would you want any contact with someone who has behaved so badly? Why would you waste a moment more of your energy on him? Move on, let it go, direct you time/energy/emotion to healthy relationships.

Original poster

Noclosure · 15/03/2022 20:10

No I didn't actually expect her to stay with him. But then I'd fallen for the blah blah of her being a bitch, controlling him, manipulating, using the kids as weapons, financially abusing him, shall I go on?

Turns out their marriage not quite as unhappy as made out. What a bastard

OP posts:

Windypants21 · 15/03/2022 20:16

Be realistic with yourself. The romantic notion is that he might have some excuse for his behaviour to make you feel better. The thing ....he would lie lie lie and lie again. If you make an approach to him he will tell his wife you are pursuing him ...maybe he has already told her that before ...he will say anything to let himself off the hook even to some degree. Stay as far away from him as possible, he has lied and manipulated before, he will do it again and only you will be the loser. He isn't a good man he isn't a trustworthy one and he certainly isn't one any woman needs in their life.
He was a mistake, learn from it and move on. You did the right thing for yourself getting rid of him which shows you what strength you do have.

Onthedunes · 15/03/2022 20:21

A year.

You did well not knowing he was married, he must have been quite the liar and you being very gullible or niave.

To have an affair I've found 2 people actually have to be complicit in the deception. It doesn't work if only 1 person knows.

You obviously never slept at his home, or probably he never slept at yours, him being married. Phone calls have to be sychronised so other parties don't get wind, also messages, the sneakiness is usually very apparent except to the wife, the one left out of the loop.

There is a whole lot of lying goes on with an affair and I don't think it's possible to be in the dark unless one party travels a lot or is long distance.

Anyway, she phoned you and you told her you had no idea he was married, the blame is on him and rightly so, he was the married party.
He clearly didn't want to be with you and you are aggrieved at his choice, this conversation with her, instead of this resulting in him leaving her has made him show his hand.

He's a user and you have had a hard lesson in desirability versus practicality and the dillusions of love, and his wife deserves a medal for having such liars in her life.

The best you can hope for is if the wife eventually dumps his ass.

Don't you hate reality, happy days, how to make 2 women unhappy with one stone, men don't you just love em.
Wise up, he's just an arsehole with no concience, not the next Mr Darcy.

Original poster

Noclosure · 15/03/2022 20:26

I knew he was married to someone and had kids he told me they were separated!

We are shift workers so I assume that's how he got round it. He always came to mine.

OP posts:

Gilly12345 · 15/03/2022 20:26

You get over this by moving on with your life and accept him as the lying, cheating poor excuse of a man that is.

You deserve better.

Babyvenusplant · 15/03/2022 20:30

@Noclosure

Turns out their marriage not quite as unhappy as made out. What a bastard

Their marriage was unhappy because he cheated on his wife, he's not fulfilled by her and never will be. He will cheat again eventually, he probably already has and had you two stayed together he would have cheated on you too.

You need to get angry with him op, make a list of all the shit he's done to you, all the lies he told you and keep reading it to remind yourself

Start to see him as the manipulative asshole that he is

1forAll74 · 15/03/2022 20:32

You should just have your dalliances or affairs, without using phones and stuff, just like the old days .. A large percentage of people have affairs and flings all the time now, and phones usually catch them out eventually...

AngelinaFibres · 15/03/2022 20:45

@Noclosure

I just regret it as I think if I had not told her about the affair then maybe she wouldn't have put these strict conditions on him and everyone else at works knows now too because he's so dramatic.

Moving isn't really an option. Everyone in the organisation knows anyway now.

I know he's a shit but I was so happy. It was a lie and not real I know but I thought it was the real deal.

Just repeat. He lied....for a year You got fed up because he wasnt available....because he had a wife. He isn't your friend.....he lied ..for a year.....he has a wife. He wasn't what you thought he was. You are grieving the loss of something that wasn't real. He created a fantasy. If he left his wife and moved in with you, you would never, ever be able to trust him.He lied to the mother of his children. He had sex with you and then went home and got into bed with her. It was all a lie. What you are aware of now is the actual reality. There is nothing to grieve about there. Make a fabulous life for yourself and your children.He is not worth a moments more thought.

AngelinaFibres · 15/03/2022 20:51

@Noclosure

I don't know. I really loved him. He gave me all the things that my ex husband who I had recently left, hadn't.

It was all fake and I feel stupid for falling for it. But I guess it's impossible to get over as when our contact was so suddenly taken away in one instant we want from still being involved (not intimately) with each other to just .....nothing.

I can never talk to him about what happened, ask him why he did and said those things, ask him if he's done it before. Feels unfair.

There is no point. He would lie as easy as breathing. He has had an awful lot of practice

AngelinaFibres · 15/03/2022 20:56

He has ruined my life.

Bugger that. He lied and lied and lied. He fed you a dream that was cobblers. Do not allow a man like that to make you feel anything other than contempt. The best revenge is a brilliant life. You are divorced. You have a good job. You can change jobs. Nobody is tied to a job. It's just a job.I expect your children are absolutely fabulous. You have much in your life that is marvellous . There is no place in your life for this pond life.

JamieNorthlife · 15/03/2022 20:57

www.bps.org.uk/public

You can contact a few of the psychologists to see of they can help before making a decision.

Good luck

Ohyesiam · 15/03/2022 20:58

@Noclosure

What sort of therapy would you recommend do I just look for general counselling or is there a specialist thing I can Google? I feel like he's ruined my life

Google Somatic Experiencing. It’s really effective and it works quickly.

AngelinaFibres · 15/03/2022 21:05

@1forAll74

Or maybe just keep your knob in your trousers

Thewindwhispers · 15/03/2022 21:11

OP you did nothing wrong except trust the work colleague who was responsible for training you. In some organisations his conduct would be grounds for him instantly getting sacked.

I don’t know why he did this to you, he’s obviously got major psychological problems and got off on sleeping with two women at once. Depending on the size of your company I would either explain the situation to HR / and ask for one if you to get a transfer to a different part of the company, or if the company is small, maybe look for a new job. I know you shouldn’t have to but it’s impossible for you to get over all this and move on while he is there.

A chat with a therapist is a good idea, maybe a professional will have some insight into hisninsane behaviour.

Please don’t blame yourself or allow anyone to make you feel bad. You got scammed. You are the victim here. He obtained sex by deception. It could have happened to any of us. It hasn’t ruined your life but it is a hell of a thing to get over and therapy / a job move may help with that.

Thewindwhispers · 15/03/2022 21:12

Ps and a STD test is probably a good idea, if he was sleeping with two women at once there may be more, god knows what he’s up to.

lemongreentea · 15/03/2022 21:12

OP you have had some good advice on his thread.

hes a liar.
if he wanted to be with you but he prefers the set up he has with his wife.
he will probably cheat on her again
and he probably cheated on you with someone else
he is not your friend
work on your low self esteem
and move on by forgiving yourself for this silly mistake. this comes from someone whos partner cheated by the way. you will be ok but you need to want to change and learn about healthy relationships. or you can continue to be naive and delusional when men tell you they are separated. the cycle will keep repeating until you are strong and determined enough to break it.

someone else suggested some therapy. maybe also google cbt, i think you can ask to be referred by your gp? and also look up 'limerance'.

LaughingCat · 15/03/2022 21:12

You talked about meeting each other’s kids? That’s serious commitment talk and I’m not surprised you fell for him. What an utter twat.

Look, you were strong enough to work out something was wrong and call time on it. So you’re certainly strong enough to accept losing him (because you did lose him - not the real him, he’s a fucking arse with no real worth or decency fyi - but you did lose the love you had for him and you need to grieve that like anything else).

Counselling is very good - just find a counsellor you vibe with is the most important thing and work out your headspace with regards both your divorce/this bellend - you’ll have hella relationship/trust/boundary issues coming out of that and it’s always good to work through them.

And remember…he did YOU wrong. While you might miss him, hold your head high and own your space at work while he slinks off elsewhere. If you miss him, fill your spare time with a new hobby/sport/group activity - something you can love. You’ll soon find yourself too busy to miss the eejit.

All the luck - sounds like you’ve had a rotten time of it and deserve a bit of a break from the shite!

Onthedunes · 15/03/2022 21:16

Yes he has ruined your life, and his wifes.

I hope you didn't leave your husband for him. If you did, what an ego boost for him.

Maybe he did love you but he can't have everthing, you can't seriously expect him to give everthing up for you, can you?
His house, children and maybe his wife (if he still wants her) it's a lot to give up just for a new shag.

Love doesn't conquer all I'm afraid, reality has to hit sometime, I wouldn't take it personally, your pain won't be quite as bad as the wifes so that's something.

Just be more careful in the vetting process next time.
Good luck with future dating.

Crystalvas · 15/03/2022 21:21

@Noclosure

It's been 6 months since that phone call and I still think about him every day

Forget about him hes a total dickhead. He decieved you.

JudyGemstone · 15/03/2022 21:23

You don’t need to pay ££££ for a psychologist, a counsellor will be fine.

Look on the BACP website.

grapewines · 15/03/2022 21:37

Turningpurple has it.

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