Affair. Regret telling her the truth

[Noclosure]

I had a relationship with a married man last year. But before you all absolutely annihilate me let me say that he did a real number on me and was dishonest about his situation before he reeled me in.

We started working together. He had been there a long time and I was new. It was his job to train me up. We met in mid 2020.

So from day 1 we spent a long time with each other, sometimes up to 60 hours a week only not being together when we had a toilet break.

Looking back I know I was really vulnerable and he saw that. I'd recently separated from my husband and was in a pretty good place, starting to think about dating again, we discussed this.

He told me he was also separated. He basically spun me what I now know to be called 'the script'.
He had also established this lie within the office to make it all the more convincing so at the time I had no reason to doubt as others seem to also think he wasn't with his wife.

We became closer and closer friends until the inevitable happened. We started seeing each other and I was so happy. We said we loved each other, had talked about the future, timelines of our children meeting. The lot.

It went on for a year, with it progressing from an intense friendship to a physical relationship for the last 8 months of that year.

I decided to call it off, despite really, really liking him I grew weary of him seeming unavailable so I suppose I knew that something wasn't adding up. I called it off and we were both sad.

We still stayed friends though, by this point we were no longer working directly with each other but messaged frequently.

I started to date someone else and he told me he was devastated by that but hoped I could be happy.

We'd been in the friend zone with no face to face contact at all with each other for about 3 months when one day I woke up to 4 missed calls from him and several others from another mobile number. This was really unusual as he would usually message first but I got worried that something had happened to him so I called straight back.

He answered in a panic and explained that one missed call was from him but the others were from his wife and she had taken my number out of his phone and wanted to talk to me.

I'm not sure exactly what he said back on that phone call it is all a bit of a blur but essentially and OBVIOUSLY to me now, he isj

This man you thought was your knight in shining armour has turned out to be just a normal coward of a man who was frightened of losing all the advantages of a marriage

The knight in shining armour turned out to be a twat in tinfoil.

How can you not be more angry about being the unwitting affair partner? And that he in a way was also cheating on you and lying to you both? And have you no sympathy for his wife?

The other woman will always state they didnt know he was married.

@Katya213

The other woman will always state they didnt know he was married.

And in other areas of their lives they seem so astute and aware.

Ignorance really must be bliss, when it suits.

@Noclosure

I think closure to me would look like being able to have one final conversation with him to tell him how much he has affected my life and just to draw a line under it really.

The whole thing was incredibly intense so I'm just left in this sort of place where I can't shake it. I was dating someone else for a bit but I couldn't fully focus on him as I can't get married man out of my mind going over and over the shit he said to me.

The new man wasn't right for me anyway so it wouldn't have lasted but it would be good to be able to give stuff a go.

I've sent some emails to some counsellors I found on the bacp site so am getting myself booked in to talk through it.

No need for a conversation, it is over move on and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You had a lucky mistake from a liar, manipulator, and utter con man with no integrity, who trotted out the married man script to get an ego stroke and his leg over. What a fantasist!!

The utter Sh*t of a man has now given his unsuspecting wife a life sentence of heartache. Whilst shagging you and her, his wife was being violated and denied her personal agency to make informed decisions. Living under a false perception of her reality. What he did to her he ought to be castrated for as should any man so gutless to have an affair instead of either addressing problems in his marriage or asking for a divorce. Of course, 73% of men who have affairs never leave their wives, just want to cake eat.

I'm sorry OP if you are struggling to get over him you need to give your head a wobble and have a bit more empathy for his DW. Life for her will never be the same. At least you can move on...

@Noclosure I think closure to me would look like being able to have one final conversation with him to tell him how much he has affected my life and just to draw a line under it really.

Really there is no point - he will just tell you a load of rubbish. He doesn't give a stuff how you feel. He probably doesn't give a stuff how his wife feels either, except to the extent that she doesn't kick his sorry arse out of the house.

If you are still hankering after him, or grieving, it is the thought of what you think could have been. But you're wrong. He fooled you, he is a con man and just a bell end, really. One day, you will see you are far better off without him. You couldn't trust this louse an inch anyway.

Think yourself lucky you got out.

Bullet dodged

How are you op?

Thanks for asking. Still the same, saw him for a few seconds the other day and we ignored each other which is how I guess things will just be now.