Affair. Regret telling her the truth

[Noclosure]

I had a relationship with a married man last year. But before you all absolutely annihilate me let me say that he did a real number on me and was dishonest about his situation before he reeled me in.

We started working together. He had been there a long time and I was new. It was his job to train me up. We met in mid 2020.

So from day 1 we spent a long time with each other, sometimes up to 60 hours a week only not being together when we had a toilet break.

Looking back I know I was really vulnerable and he saw that. I'd recently separated from my husband and was in a pretty good place, starting to think about dating again, we discussed this.

He told me he was also separated. He basically spun me what I now know to be called 'the script'.
He had also established this lie within the office to make it all the more convincing so at the time I had no reason to doubt as others seem to also think he wasn't with his wife.

We became closer and closer friends until the inevitable happened. We started seeing each other and I was so happy. We said we loved each other, had talked about the future, timelines of our children meeting. The lot.

It went on for a year, with it progressing from an intense friendship to a physical relationship for the last 8 months of that year.

I decided to call it off, despite really, really liking him I grew weary of him seeming unavailable so I suppose I knew that something wasn't adding up. I called it off and we were both sad.

We still stayed friends though, by this point we were no longer working directly with each other but messaged frequently.

I started to date someone else and he told me he was devastated by that but hoped I could be happy.

We'd been in the friend zone with no face to face contact at all with each other for about 3 months when one day I woke up to 4 missed calls from him and several others from another mobile number. This was really unusual as he would usually message first but I got worried that something had happened to him so I called straight back.

He answered in a panic and explained that one missed call was from him but the others were from his wife and she had taken my number out of his phone and wanted to talk to me.

I'm not sure exactly what he said back on that phone call it is all a bit of a blur but essentially and OBVIOUSLY to me now, he isj

He sounds like a really horrible,user.
Why do you want to stay in contact with him?

He was using you for an ego boost and sex.He was getting kicks from deceiving you and getting one up on his wife. What’s nice about such a person ?
One thing is for sure.... he was no friend !
Friends don’t do that to each other.

You may benefit from some counselling to get to grips with some self esteem issues because this shit of a man doesn’t deserve you.

If his wife wants to stay with him just leave them to it.It’s not your business now. Respect his wife and keep your distance. She’s done nothing wrong here either. All blame goes to him yet he’s playing victim.

There are plenty of other men out who aren’t married and who will treat you with love and respect.

You have done nothing wrong. He deceived you and you were right to tell his wife everything.

Now he is trying to make you feel bad with his “huffs” but he should be taking responsibility for his own bad choices.He was in the wrong, not you! Don’t accept that responsibility!

I know this must be hard for you but really, you need to see him for what he really is and act very aloof around him. Ignore him. There really is no conversation to be had with him.
Try and move on with your life, and you still can even if you’re working at the same place.
Ignore,ignore, ignore !

@Hoppinggreen

I think you hoped that his wife would leave him. Even if she had he’s not really a great prize is he?

I think she's STILL hoping he'll leave her , that's the problem

But then I'd fallen for the blah blah of her being a bitch, controlling him, manipulating, using the kids as weapons, financially abusing him, shall I go on?

Never believe when men bitch about their spouses. Its always the same boring repetitive lie. He probably bitched about you to the wife.

Turns out their marriage not quite as unhappy as made out. What a bastard

Maybe you should count your blessings and forget his existence. Work on your own closure, maybe have some therapy and get angry and mad at him but don't miss him or expect to keep him as a friend.

Dont humiliate yourself asking him for answers. He is weak and does no deserve you.

So you didn’t tell her because you thought he was a twat and she deserved to know the truth, but because you saw it as an opportunity to finally have him the way you wanted him?

You thought you’d tell her, she’d leave him, and you and he could have the fairytale ending together. You’re grieving not the loss of the friendship, but the loss of your fantasy. Reality has hit you in the face.

@grapewines

Turningpurple has it.

Yep.

It sounds like you wish you hadn't told her. You thought she'd leave him.

You like him.

Now you don't have him at all.

It's just how it is. He is taken.

You said you need closure from him

What does closure look like to you?

Your closure?

Don’t let the door hit you on the arse as you huff yourself out.

You aren’t hurting over him.

You are hurting over a dream. Or a lie more correctly.

Get miffed that you wasted time on him. That’ll see you through.

A few questions because a couple of things not making sense here,you say the relationship was physical for the last 8 months of that year
1.Did he ever bring you to his house and if he did was there not evidence of a woman living there or even to an apartment as he told you he was separated
2.was he always available to you and if not was that not rising suspicion for you
3.if he was always at your place did you not find that a bit strange
He seems like an awful snake,you must see how lucky you are

I’m sorry op, this is hard, you told him in the hope he’d pick you, which was silly, for the affair it’s always the cardinal sin. Even if she left him he’d not have forgiven you. You can’t force someone to be with you by being manipulative.

He made his choice. The moment he called you you knew he’d picked her. It was game over at this point.

I suspect for all your protestations you knew fine well he was married. Otherwise, never going to his place, rarely available etc? You knew.

I suspect also you’d carry on or resume if you could. You need to try to accept its game over. He will never ever forgive it, even though he was the one who lied to you.

No I never went to his. He said he was living at his Mum's whilst him and ex (!) Were sorting finances.This was plausible as more than once when working together we went past there for him to pick something up/drop something off. The Mum even waved.

I didn't think it was strange always being at mine due to the above.

In terms of availability I suppose my schedule is quite busy as if I'm not working I have my kids so 'our' time would be tagged onto the end of work time. Sleeping at mine after finishing work etc or going out if a day shift. We went out to places all the time.

The thing that eventually roused the suspicion was a change in availability. Turns out they were on holiday.

Could he have been solit and then got back together?

I suppose that could be the case. But I doubt I'll ever find out dates etc.

@greasyshoes

The worst thing though is that for me, we have gone from having frequent contact and being very close friends to absolutely zero. No conversation about what happened, no ability to get closure for me at all.

What were you expecting?

To me, it sounds like you were trying to be clever by telling his wife everything, so that relationship would fall apart and this man would then be yours.

Of course, you didn't consider all of the possibilities. You didn't expect her to stay with him. Now your mouth is hanging open in disbelief and you have to deal with the consequences of having lost a friend.

Did you expect the OP to #BeKind and tell the wife a load of old rubbish?

OP you had no choice. You believed. Then when confronted, you told the truth. Good on you.

You're grieving a fantasy.

Only way is up. Move on.
Fancy someone else.

@Noclosure

I knew he was married to someone and had kids he told me they were separated!

We are shift workers so I assume that's how he got round it. He always came to mine.

Sorry this happened to you Similar thing happened to me with a ‘seperated’ man end of last year - caught on after 6/8 weeks and ghosted him Very convincing but I had the signs

1. Not full name on instagram - just initials
2. on the dating app I met him on he would always go into snooze mode - probably to make sure he was not found
3. very careful about me going to his flat / knowing his address to begin with. He told me thr wrong flat number (had it saved in my Uber then told me a different number a few weeks later)
4. His wife was a teacher and communication spiked during the winter break — she had gone to her parents whilst he stayed working in the city, communication abrupty changed when the schools started again - this was the confirmation I need to follow my instict

He told me they were getting divorced

Friend found her on Instagram after I had dated him a few months, multiple dates and staying over and he was not seperated. Photos of them up and together the day before we had met in some of them. I said nothing in the end. I just left it and blocked them. I never even said anything to him about knowing - as like you I had broken up with him for reasons of thing not adding up. Then found out the truth a few weeks later. Some people will say I should have told her - but I recon he has done it before and she knows full well on reflection.

These guys are very convincing.

I have no idea why you would want to be friends with him. These guys know what they are doing from the moment they meet you until the court ship ends. I would block them both on everything if I am honest. He also knew you were vulnearable at work and your future career. My personal opinion is that you say as little as you can about the entire situation to colleagues also. Speak to unrelated friends and family.

It happens all the time and a I remember asking on Mumsnet here ‘why me? Why has he done this’. A very sensible poster said - because he tried with ten woman, you replied and you were willing to sleep with him. Its as simple as that. He will do it again. Its not your circus and not your monkeys now.

@beddygu

She has stayed with him

It's quite normal, did you expect her to not stay?

Youre being disingenuous.

Plenty of betrayed spouses leave sooner or later.

I know a woman who found out while she was on her home country temporarily looking after her ill Mum, she had her stuff shipped home and never saw or spoke to him again.

Huff at him when you see him! He's a right knob.

The good part is you had exited the relationship (due tk your own self esteem, instincts etc) before you found out.

You'd even moved on and dated someone else.

So even with all his lying, manipulating etc, even with his best routine; he still couldn't keep you.

Be very very glad you're not his wife. Look at her position.

It sounds like it's not his first rodeo. Imagine he'll do it again after a while too.

Maybe she'll leave down the line, poor woman.

His behaviour is also deeply unprofessional if you were his subordinate/bejngbteained by him, which it sounds like you were.

Moving isn't really an option. Everyone in the organisation knows anyway now.

Well, that's awkward.

@Noclosure

I suppose that could be the case. But I doubt I'll ever find out dates etc.

You never answered my question...

what does closure look like to you? Respectfully.

You've handled it all really well. You followed your instincts when you sensed something was wrong and walked away, despite really liking him. When his wife contacted you, you were truthful and gave her the information to enable her to make an informed decision (the fact she made a shit one and there's practically zero chance of her marriage making it) is neither here nor there. You won't get the closure you need from him but take strength from the way you've conducted yourself xx

He is not the only guy who will have the qualities you missed in your marriage.
Have you started dating other men since?
It would give you something else to think about and might take your mind off this man.

@Noclosure

What sort of therapy would you recommend do I just look for general counselling or is there a specialist thing I can Google? I feel like he's ruined my life

He fooled you, yes. He lied to you, to everyone. And SO orchestrated! He had the whole office/business believing him!

He’s a snake! An utter arsehole!

Don’t give him the permission to ruin your life!

You know the truth now, you made the right decisions to end it and to be honest with his wife.

The rest from that point on is your fault. You shouldn’t ever have considered him a friend, he’s a liar and is trying to make you feel bad for what he did.

Cut contact, be open and honest about his lies to you if asked or if there’s an elephant

They all know and they’re bound to be proud of the way you are handling things.

Tell him to grow up and man up and drop the huffing tell him that His restrictions are of his doing not yours.

Head held high! Tits and teeth, walk tall and carry on doing your thing.