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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair. Regret telling her the truth

134 replies

Noclosure · 15/03/2022 17:31

I had a relationship with a married man last year. But before you all absolutely annihilate me let me say that he did a real number on me and was dishonest about his situation before he reeled me in.

We started working together. He had been there a long time and I was new. It was his job to train me up. We met in mid 2020.

So from day 1 we spent a long time with each other, sometimes up to 60 hours a week only not being together when we had a toilet break.

Looking back I know I was really vulnerable and he saw that. I'd recently separated from my husband and was in a pretty good place, starting to think about dating again, we discussed this.

He told me he was also separated. He basically spun me what I now know to be called 'the script'.
He had also established this lie within the office to make it all the more convincing so at the time I had no reason to doubt as others seem to also think he wasn't with his wife.

We became closer and closer friends until the inevitable happened. We started seeing each other and I was so happy. We said we loved each other, had talked about the future, timelines of our children meeting. The lot.

It went on for a year, with it progressing from an intense friendship to a physical relationship for the last 8 months of that year.

I decided to call it off, despite really, really liking him I grew weary of him seeming unavailable so I suppose I knew that something wasn't adding up. I called it off and we were both sad.

We still stayed friends though, by this point we were no longer working directly with each other but messaged frequently.

I started to date someone else and he told me he was devastated by that but hoped I could be happy.

We'd been in the friend zone with no face to face contact at all with each other for about 3 months when one day I woke up to 4 missed calls from him and several others from another mobile number. This was really unusual as he would usually message first but I got worried that something had happened to him so I called straight back.

He answered in a panic and explained that one missed call was from him but the others were from his wife and she had taken my number out of his phone and wanted to talk to me.

I'm not sure exactly what he said back on that phone call it is all a bit of a blur but essentially and OBVIOUSLY to me now, he isj

OP posts:

TillyTopper · 15/03/2022 18:22

I'm not saying you should move jobs - but would it help you move on do you think? Just so you aren't around him, it sounds like he isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

thenewduchessoflapland · 15/03/2022 18:32

I'm sorry this happened to you;he's a POS;he lured you into a relationship under false pretences and lied to you.I couldn't imagine the devastation of discovering you were the OW.

You did exactly the right thing by being completely truthful with his wife;you see it often here on mumsnet where women never get the answers/closure they deserve when their husbands cheat on them.

It's a shame she's decided to stay with him,he definitely doesn't deserve that whatsoever.The chances are she'll put pressure on him to leave altogether so if he does;good riddance to him.

TheArtfulBlogger · 15/03/2022 18:35

If he is huffing and puffing because he is on the naughty step for adultery and not allowed to speak to you, then you have no need to worry about the elephant in the room. He is the one who looks a unreliable, untrustworthy liar by your colleagues.

You did a good thing by answering her questions. The fact she has put him on a leash and he looks a twit isnt your fault.

Mums1234 · 15/03/2022 18:37

You fell in love with a man you thought was single. You've done nothing wrong.

To cope with the heartache and seeing him in work must be devastating. I couldn't do it, I'd be a wreck.

My heart goes out to you and I wish I had some good advice. X

thenewduchessoflapland · 15/03/2022 18:37

@Noclosure

What sort of therapy would you recommend do I just look for general counselling or is there a specialist thing I can Google? I feel like he's ruined my life

Maybe look at one who does both relationship and individual counselling.They'll have dealt with women who have been cheated on/couples who have split.

Hoppinggreen · 15/03/2022 18:38

I think you hoped that his wife would leave him.
Even if she had he’s not really a great prize is he?

UKRAINEwearewithyou · 15/03/2022 18:39

He is a lying two faced shit and a coward to boot. Why the heck would you think of the pretend person you fell for now you have found out the pretend person isn't real at all.

You are the lucky one. The stupid wife is stuck with the scumbag. One day she may wake up and dump him also. He will do it again. He will be a good little hubby and follow her conditions for a while and then off he will go again. You are better away from that.

Allthecheeseplease · 15/03/2022 18:43

It always amazes me that once people become aware on MN that one partner was married the judgement of the OP starts immediately. She is not at fault here. She was a victim, even so she can't just switch off feelings. If some of you can, more power to you, you should write a book on it cause it would be a best seller.

OP, you will get through this. The advice to see a therapist was spot on. It's very difficult to accept but there will be no closure on this from his side. In fact, he may come grovelling back at some stage so stay alert.

Kittykat93 · 15/03/2022 18:45

6 months isn't much time at all. Give yourself time to move on.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/03/2022 18:47

He had also established this (being separated) lie within the office to make it all the more convincing so at the time I had no reason to doubt as others seem to also think he wasn't with his wife

Considering you said he's been there "a long time" it's unlikely nobody knew his situation, and entirely possible they said nothing because they didn't want to get involved in his seedy mess with a new member of staff - he might even have done this with other new starters, in which case they may be sick of it

Since it's been over for 6 months and you're "still thinking of him every day" it's pretty clear you still hold a torch for him, but what beta me is why you'd feel he's such a prize?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/03/2022 18:48

Beats me, not beta me - whatever that is!!

Original poster

Noclosure · 15/03/2022 18:54

I don't know. I really loved him. He gave me all the things that my ex husband who I had recently left, hadn't.

It was all fake and I feel stupid for falling for it. But I guess it's impossible to get over as when our contact was so suddenly taken away in one instant we want from still being involved (not intimately) with each other to just .....nothing.

I can never talk to him about what happened, ask him why he did and said those things, ask him if he's done it before. Feels unfair.

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 15/03/2022 19:08

You dont need closure you need to get the idolised image of him out of your head he is not a good person and never has been

Allthecheeseplease · 15/03/2022 19:12

@Theunamedcat

You dont need closure you need to get the idolised image of him out of your head he is not a good person and never has been

That is closure

DrGoogleSaysSo · 15/03/2022 19:13

He's a cheater and a liar. His wife will never be able to trust him again.
Don't regret telling the truth and try to move on, he's vile.

RealBecca · 15/03/2022 19:24

Flip the narrative. YOU dont want contact with someone who deliberately misled you for a year, huffs and blames you and makes a difficult working environment and silks he couldn't have his cake and eat it. And was too stupid and arrogant to delete call logs. Bullet dodged.

Before him, when you were happy, what did you do with your free time? Find something that isnt just killing time until a man comes along (and I mean that nicely).

Until giving up your single lifestyle is almost an inconvenience you wont be ready for dating.

bubblesbubbles11 · 15/03/2022 19:29

i think you should distance yourself deliberately and purposefully every single day. Get a new job, any job if you can. Move cities. Whatever it takes.

And tell yourself every day in a way you are the lucky one - it is his wife who will literally be looking over her shoulder wondering if her husband is cheating on her for the rest of her married life.
You get to have a new start should you chose to do so and you are in control of how that looks.

bubblesbubbles11 · 15/03/2022 19:31

"I can never talk to him about what happened, ask him why he did and said those things, ask him if he's done it before. Feels unfair."

This bit is the part of you which still somehow feels connected to him, which is whispering in your ear "if we could only have a conversation somehow there is a chance it will result in a miraculous meeting of minds and we will be together again"

no.
I repeat, you had a lucky escape. Grab that escape with both hands.

sophienelisse · 15/03/2022 19:31

Op stop being the victim here.

In work, meetings etc get your head held high youve sone fuck all wrong.

Front that fucker out. Next time he huffs and puffs and tried to make it about you call it out.

You have done nothing wrong here. Start owning that shit.

Put yourself first like he has done

sophienelisse · 15/03/2022 19:33

I don't mean you are acting like a victim I mean he's at fault not you.

Own it. Dot. Let him make out he's hard down by he's is not!

Itsbackagain · 15/03/2022 19:38

@Noclosure

I don't know. I really loved him. He gave me all the things that my ex husband who I had recently left, hadn't.

I can never talk to him about what happened, ask him why he did and said those things, ask him if he's done it before. Feels unfair.

No sorry, you really loved the person he fooled you into thinking he was. In reality he's a cheat and a liar and a manipulator. He made a fool out of you and everyone in the workplace knows this. You need to think more of yourself and forget this horrible horrible man.

Original poster

Noclosure · 15/03/2022 19:49

No I can't move jobs! I have worked and trained for years to get into this job and finally have. I can't move cities I have children settled at school and this is my home.

I could move location but all the others are logistically more difficult and would impact my life with childcare nightmares/more petrol costs etc

OP posts:

altiara · 15/03/2022 19:54

OP he has not ruined your life - remember you called it off as you thought there was something wrong.
Fine to be sad for a bit, but celebrate your awesome albeit slow knob radar skills and move on now.

LittleWins · 15/03/2022 19:58

I’ve been in a very similar situation. I learnt that closure is a choice you can make if you’re willing to accept it’s over for you. Nothing he says will ease the pain you’re feeling anyway.

You’re grieving for a lost friend who didn’t exist but I know that doesn’t make it any easier.

I look back (I’m a year down the line) and feel so grateful I’m not the wife & could leave the scene relatively unscathed although it is emotionally brutal.

LittleWins · 15/03/2022 19:59

And you absolutely did the right thing telling her the truth.

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