Affair. Regret telling her the truth

[Noclosure]

I had a relationship with a married man last year. But before you all absolutely annihilate me let me say that he did a real number on me and was dishonest about his situation before he reeled me in.

We started working together. He had been there a long time and I was new. It was his job to train me up. We met in mid 2020.

So from day 1 we spent a long time with each other, sometimes up to 60 hours a week only not being together when we had a toilet break.

Looking back I know I was really vulnerable and he saw that. I'd recently separated from my husband and was in a pretty good place, starting to think about dating again, we discussed this.

He told me he was also separated. He basically spun me what I now know to be called 'the script'.
He had also established this lie within the office to make it all the more convincing so at the time I had no reason to doubt as others seem to also think he wasn't with his wife.

We became closer and closer friends until the inevitable happened. We started seeing each other and I was so happy. We said we loved each other, had talked about the future, timelines of our children meeting. The lot.

It went on for a year, with it progressing from an intense friendship to a physical relationship for the last 8 months of that year.

I decided to call it off, despite really, really liking him I grew weary of him seeming unavailable so I suppose I knew that something wasn't adding up. I called it off and we were both sad.

We still stayed friends though, by this point we were no longer working directly with each other but messaged frequently.

I started to date someone else and he told me he was devastated by that but hoped I could be happy.

We'd been in the friend zone with no face to face contact at all with each other for about 3 months when one day I woke up to 4 missed calls from him and several others from another mobile number. This was really unusual as he would usually message first but I got worried that something had happened to him so I called straight back.

He answered in a panic and explained that one missed call was from him but the others were from his wife and she had taken my number out of his phone and wanted to talk to me.

I'm not sure exactly what he said back on that phone call it is all a bit of a blur but essentially and OBVIOUSLY to me now, he isj

I think closure to me would look like being able to have one final conversation with him to tell him how much he has affected my life and just to draw a line under it really.

The whole thing was incredibly intense so I'm just left in this sort of place where I can't shake it. I was dating someone else for a bit but I couldn't fully focus on him as I can't get married man out of my mind going over and over the shit he said to me.

The new man wasn't right for me anyway so it wouldn't have lasted but it would be good to be able to give stuff a go.

I've sent some emails to some counsellors I found on the bacp site so am getting myself booked in to talk through it.

I’m sorry to say that final conversation with him won’t help you. In fact it will leave you with more questions and feeling hurt.
I’ve been in a similar situation and pushed for a final conversation to try understand what happened and why. Truth was, like you, I loved him very much but he was just going along with it and openly admitted he got caught up in the moment and would say things to make me happy. In the end it felt as though I could have been any woman.
I’d hate for you to go through that. It was so hard to pick myself up from that.
You did the right thing telling her. He doesn’t deserve either of you. She’s still with him because they have built a life together and she was happy before. Leave them to it and be thankful for the distance between you.
You were in love and need a chance to grieve the relationship. It’s good you’ve booked in with a counsellor.
What really helped me was writing a letter to the guy. Writing down everything I felt- good and bad.
I didn’t post it but got rid of it and it helped a little with closure.

OP yes I think you’re going down the right route to get closure ... by arranging some counselling for yourself.

I think you are wrong in thinking that getting to speak to him to discuss the situation will help.

Because:

A He has now been found out by his wife.

B Therefore the dynamic between you has changed for good.

C He will therefore not be in the slightest bit interested in how his lies have affected you.

D He will be nasty towards you and blame you for everything, including his decision to cheat on his wife as well as the restrictions she has put on him.

E He will not be the person you knew who you could cosy up to for a nice chat and cuddle ( that was not the real him in the first place.... he wore a mask which has now been removed)

F You will come away from any face to face meeting with him feeling even more upset and confused.

You don’t need him to focus on getting yourself better. He was the cause so you need to distance yourself from him.

Hold your head high at work.
Talk openly to colleagues about him and get them on your side( they probably are already)

Don’t be ashamed.
You did nothing wrong. You are as much a victim as his wife.

Hold your head high.

Yes, he lied to everyone. It probably isn't the first time he's done this as he seems quite skilled at it.

Definitely talk to a counselor. You'll get to express yourself and she will help you get through it and work on future goals in life.

Have you started talking to any new guys at all?
It might not be a bad idea to talk to a few and meet for a coffee.
Are you spending time with friends, family, hobbies?

@Noclosure what were the sorts of things he said to you? Were they of the nature that you assumed you and he were going to have a future together? If they were, you need to acknowledge that you've been duped in much the same way any of us can be duped - through all sorts of other ways; phishing emails, door-to-door sales persuasion, etc. This is all on him. Your closure is recognising that life deals us shit every now and again but that you will rise above it.

Yes absolutely all about the future.

About how we'd be together, the holidays we'd take, plans of a timeline for introducing the children how/where/what would be least damaging.

Where we would live, how we would save up to get a place together within three years to join forces and households.

He talked about us getting married. I am not even looking for that necessarily as been there done that and it didn't work out.

It was all omg you are my soulmate I can't believe this never had anything like this. Can't believe how lucky I am to have found this person.

The lot.

@Noclosure

I think closure to me would look like being able to have one final conversation with him to tell him how much he has affected my life and just to draw a line under it really.

The whole thing was incredibly intense so I'm just left in this sort of place where I can't shake it. I was dating someone else for a bit but I couldn't fully focus on him as I can't get married man out of my mind going over and over the shit he said to me.

The new man wasn't right for me anyway so it wouldn't have lasted but it would be good to be able to give stuff a go.

I've sent some emails to some counsellors I found on the bacp site so am getting myself booked in to talk through it.

sorry but one final conversation wont help you. he wont give you closure as he doesnt care about you. he sounds selfish and rude and is a liar at the very minimum.

get your own closure by forgiving yourself walking away from drama. learn how to live a drama free life which may feel boring at first to you but much better for your mental and emotional well being

@Noclosure

Yes absolutely all about the future.

About how we'd be together, the holidays we'd take, plans of a timeline for introducing the children how/where/what would be least damaging.

Where we would live, how we would save up to get a place together within three years to join forces and households.

He talked about us getting married. I am not even looking for that necessarily as been there done that and it didn't work out.

It was all omg you are my soulmate I can't believe this never had anything like this. Can't believe how lucky I am to have found this person.

The lot.

he played you well an you were vulnerable. and i guess you wanted to hear all this from him as it felt good. he lied to you.

"I think if I had not told her about the affair then maybe she wouldn't have put these strict conditions on him and everyone else at works knows now too because he's so dramatic"

This is so sad.

It is like you are saying "If I could go back in time, I would not have told his wife, and I would have lived happily ever after knowing I was his bit on the side, that i received his minimum spare time on his terms when it suited him, knowing he was also having sex with his wife and maybe other people too. But I would have been blissfully happy....."

The whole idea that his wife has ruined this for you is also absolute nonsense. What it does say is what a weak person he is, as soon as his wife put "rules" on him he cowers in the corner and adheres to it even to the extent that it permeates his whole life including his career, social and private life. But don't think his wife has "solved" her marriage problems - it is a sticking plaster for her no doubt as she continues in her unhappy marriage with no trust. Not that that is any of your business, nor does it change how you feel about it.

Errrrr??

I've sent some emails to some counsellors I found on the bacp site so am getting myself booked in to talk through it.

well done OP you can do this and move on
getting to know and understand yourself is the first step, then being able to recognise men like this and how to avoid them.

Op, as said, could he have meant it at the time? As in he was split and living with his parents? And for him he decided to ultimately go back to his wife but didn’t end it immediately with you? You’ve already said you were suspicious before it ended, and he’d become less available, so clearly it had deteriorated at that stage signficantly.

I’m wondering if this is instead of him being a master of subterfuge, that simply he changed his mind, it was only an eight month romantic relationship, from beginning to end, and by the end it was already over before that,

Maybe that’s why his wife is with him, on that call you basically just confirmed to her that he hadn’t cheated, you got with him when they were split.

@Noclosure the sort of things you and he discussed about your future together, it defies belief doesn't it? Was he future-faking or did he genuinely believe it in the moment, I wonder? When I read stories like yours it does make me question how any of us can ever really trust that what a person says is what they actually believe.

That's it, it's made me think I can never believe any word anyone says ever again. It felt so real.

I suppose they could have been split for that time period. No idea

I think you should talk to your manager ie the one above him. He put you as a new member of staff in this situation and it's untenable to work together under the circumstances. They should move him.

Before I met my husband I was 19 and at Uni, so I was younger than you and naive. I met a guy and fell for him and he gave me the full on love bombing, we did so much together, slept together (obviously, it was always going to be what he actually wanted) and he’d never met anyone like me before etc. Because if the Uni situation and distance, plus the nature of the very full on course he was studying with placements etc, it was plausible that during the holidays we couldn’t see each other much and he came to my home once or twice. Never went to his. This went on for a year until I found out he was engaged to his long term girlfriend. Believe me, although I was very young and had no children, I can guarantee you your heartbreak feels exactly the same. Beware love-bombers, it’s seductive to think you had such a profound effect on someone so quickly, but rarely true or possibly highlights insecurity or attachment issues in them.
They tune into you, and tell you everything you want to hear. The better results it gets, the further they go.Even at 19 he said he wanted to marry me in the future, the fantasy he painted for us was seductive and exciting and I fell for it. He was engaged to somebody else! The following months after I ended it were excruciating , he lived in the same block as me and his fiancée started turning up at weekends. Agony. I knew I should hate him but he was like a drug and I couldn’t stop thinking about him or even avoid seeing him. I couldn’t believe the U turn in his feelings afterwards. Scary stuff.
You have to be really disciplined and mindfully turn your attention elsewhere. Hard to do at work, but focus on what you’ve got to do and his presence is actually no more important than a chair or a table.
He wants his wife and his marriage and there’s the end to it. Telling her the truth was actually a good thing to do for her, she would have been desperate for it and can now make her choices based on what you said, unless he manipulates her too, to convince her you’re lying to get back at her.
The only way out is to purposefully move your mental attention away from him. You can’t stop the thoughts or reactions or fight them, it’s pointless and the struggle reinforces it. Notice what you are thinking and purposely turn away from it. Get busy, plan a future, plan something nice for your children or yourself. Get counselling if it will help you, when your reality isn’t what you thought it was you question your judgment and feel very insecure. His wife will feel exactly the same. This is not a flaw of yours or hers, you are just nice women who trust people. He used this to dupe you. As a poster above said, think of it like a clever scam. You couldn’t have known as he presented everything so well and what was going on backed up what he said. Don’t blame yourself. Move forward now. X

@Noclosure

That's it, it's made me think I can never believe any word anyone says ever again. It felt so real.

I suppose they could have been split for that time period. No idea

I know how you feel. But.

You did end things so clearly the reality and what he was saying was not adding up. This proves to you that even though he said everything you were unsure. If you truely believed everything that he said - you would not have ended it!

See what I mean?

Thankfully womans intuition is there to warn us off these guys. You have had a year of this expierence - he only wasted that amount of time. Imagine his wife.

When I think back to when this happened to me - I count my lucky stars - he only wasted weeks of my life but he has wasted 10 years of hers and she is still with him.

Please try and reframe it.

My mum was a single mother and dated alot when we were growing up - I seen her involved with a guy who lied to her like this and he financially supported her alot. He left her in the dust for another woman. When I seen that I realised I could never ever rely on anyone financially or emotionally ever - it can happen to anyone at anytime. Hes the arsehole and I think many woman would have fallen for it in your position.

That one last conversation that you are hoping to have will definitely not give you any closure because remember the man you are talking to is a cheat and a liar so what makes you think he'll tell you the truth,I wouldn't lower myself by showing my hand here.Hold your head high and try raise your standards a bit, I think part of you still wants him but he's a married 🐍.He will no doubt carry with the next unsuspecting victim or maybe not unsuspecting as some women prefer another woman's husband,I think it makes them feel like they've achieved something 😉. Don't be that person as those men will also cheat on you down the line,I feel sorry for his wife in a way but if she knows he's a cheat and stays with him that's on her.

I suppose they could have been split for that time period. No idea

This makes sense though logically doesn’t it? You were out in public regularly, stopped at his mums, everyone thought he was split, knew he was with you, then it changed. The relationship then ended a good three months before his wife even called you and you’d not even seen each other during this period.

It does feel like as opposed to him lying from thr start and lying to all his colleagues, even involving his mother and risking it by being out in public with you, it is likely he was split, he got caught up in the new relationship thing, said some stupid things, and then they got back together, which coincided with the demise of your relationship.

So when his wife called it’s likely as you’d been split for three months already and they got together jist as your relationship ended, you simply confirmed to her what he said, you weren’t still seeing each other and hadn’t for three months, it was over. Which is why she stayed.

He prob did lie, as he was saying all those things when he really wanted to get back with his wife, although wasn’t sure if it was possible. But maybe it’s not as bad as you think. He was split, he meant those things at the time, it was a very new relationship, it only lasted a few months, then he and his wife decided to make a go of it.

What @Ricksteinsfishwife said.

You'd make a good detective!

"Maybe that’s why his wife is with him, on that call you basically just confirmed to her that he hadn’t cheated, you got with him when they were split."

This is just logical semantics.

Whether you establish on a forensic level that there was no "overlap" in terms of timing (days he was official "with" his wife and days when he was officially "with" OP) or not - the point seems undeniable that there was emotional overlap.

On the best interpretation he had just technically "left" his marriage but he had definitely not "left" his wife fully enough to be able to say all the things he did say to the OP and about the OP.

Basically he messed with OP's head, at best in a negligent and reckless way, at worst in a malicious and callous calculating way.

Either way it is a really bad look and something OP should run from.

@bubblesbubbles11

"Maybe that’s why his wife is with him, on that call you basically just confirmed to her that he hadn’t cheated, you got with him when they were split."

This is just logical semantics.

Whether you establish on a forensic level that there was no "overlap" in terms of timing (days he was official "with" his wife and days when he was officially "with" OP) or not - the point seems undeniable that there was emotional overlap.

On the best interpretation he had just technically "left" his marriage but he had definitely not "left" his wife fully enough to be able to say all the things he did say to the OP and about the OP.

Basically he messed with OP's head, at best in a negligent and reckless way, at worst in a malicious and callous calculating way.

Either way it is a really bad look and something OP should run from.

Sure, although I am unsure any of us are qualified to comment on his emotional state.

Yes I am only talking about the logistics to try to help the op see her way through this, as what she’s saying doesn’t logically stack up as a man who undertook a signficant subterfuge and risky exercise to get with her, am exercise which took many people.

It’s more likely he got caught up, was suffering from the demise of his relationship and said things the op has taken as gospel for the future. Then he got back with his wife. The things said in the first few weeks and months, in what was a very short relationship in reality, eight months from beginning to end, often don’t come to pass as the relationship develops.

Has he done her wrong, yes I suspect getting back with his wife was always his priority. Did he know he’d be successful, likely not.

The damage here is more the fact he discarded the relationship when he got back with his wife. But the op herself ended it. So clearly something was very wrong for her to take that position and had been for awhile.

You ended it because you knew things weren’t adding up, you had realised he was probably still married and this was true. You did the right thing then and in telling his wife the truth. He’s a cheating, lying snake and both you and his wife deserve better. Time to move on now, block and ignore as best as you can. If you can find a new job then great, I’d be considering that.

I should imagine it went something like this ....

He met you, started chasing, or both of you were chasing. He then started devaluing his wife, their relationship broke down due to his treatment of her.

Maybe she threw him out or he left, for 'space' or to stop arguments (always a rediculous excuse) to his mothers, to her it was a separation, for him it was just to be able to make out with you.

You thought it was over between them, that you had won the prize, but his wife was in the dark about you existing.
She found out and the battle began between 2 women battling over a piece of shit.

Your closure I should imagine is still part of trying to win him, I'm sure you know exactly what happened concerning the timeline, you just don't like to lose.

This man you thought was your knight in shining armour has turned out to be just a normal coward of a man who was frightened of losing all the advantages of a marriage.

You either have to fight for him or let it go, the second option is better for you.

I hope his wife eventually ends the relationship when she feels stronger, maybe tell the wife that you were waving to her MIL at her house when you went to his mothers.
The wife is obviously surrounded by disloyal people with him and his family, hopefully she will get rid of him and he will become free in the future.

He may then run back to you, maybe not, but you have been shown that you are second best.
Why would you want that.

He’s a turd. A lying, straight from the gutter, stinking turd. The really good thing is that you did recognise that on some level and chose to end the relationship. I totally understand your need for closure, but honestly, you will never get it. He does not care how much he hurt you, or his wife. He cares only about himself, his life and getting his rocks off. The truth is, he is a selfish, lying, duplicitous tosser. But he will NEVER admit that. I suggest you write him a letter. Put all your pain and anger into it, tell him everything you want to say. Then burn it. Burn that fucker out of your life. I agree with all pps re: seeing a counsellor, I think that will help you. But, do reflect on the fact that you DID see through him and you DID make some very good decisions in the end. This tool just isn’t worth your time xx

2 women battling over a piece of shit.

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