Can we fix this?

[ConfusedRightNow]

My husband and I have a very volatile relationship. A couple of weeks ago during an argument, away from the kids, he punched a hole in a wall and started shouting and swearing in my face. He is often irritable and throws stuff or slams doors. Usually when the children aren't here but on a couple of occasions in front of the children, which I am really angry about. Our interactions often involve bickering and he is very critical of things I do around the house. He is hardly ever affectionate towards me which I worry is a terrible way to represent relationships to our children (DS6 and DD4).

I am far from blameless though. I try to remain calm but occasionally snap back. In January it reached a head when I'd gone to the bedroom to clear my head, my daughter was calling for me and my husband stood outside the bedroom door telling me what a horrible mother I was. I'm embarrassed to say I lost it and ended up hitting him across the chest and kicking him.

Fast forward to now, a couple of weekends ago, just before the wall punching incident I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He begged me to stay and then got angry. After the wall punching incident I upped and left with the kids to stay with a friend for a few days. But sitting down and looking through finances, I've realised I just can't make ends meet. I can lose having a car, but I'd still only have £100 a month left after rent/mortgage (the latter being smaller), food and bills for anything else; clothes, fuel prices going up, unexpected expenses, books, any treats, school trips. This is taking into account any maintenance from my husband and all benefits we'd be entitled to. So, in conclusion I can't actually afford to leave.

My husband after apologising has signed up for anger management and marriage counselling for us both. After a visit from the police this morning (because the friend I stayed with and my mother recommended I report the wall punching incident) and reflecting on my behaviour I've rung the GP and waiting for a call back about my own anger management. My husband is adamant we can make this work and go back to a happy, healthy family household for our kids.

I'm not so sure. I'm so lost. Should I keep trying? Can we fix this? Or should I push my children into poverty?

Having £100 a month after paying all your bills is actually a lot more than many, many people manage on, OP.

Sorry, that was a bit abrupt. But look - is having nice clothes and toys really worth more to your kids than living in a calm, happy home with a parent who shows them love and understanding - versus one with two unhappy parents who are aggressive and violent, but buy them lots of stuff and take them on holiday?

you both need to attend the anger management course and see how it goes from there.

atm, stay away from each other when angry.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Sorry, that was a bit abrupt. But look - is having nice clothes and toys really worth more to your kids than living in a calm, happy home with a parent who shows them love and understanding - versus one with two unhappy parents who are aggressive and violent, but buy them lots of stuff and take them on holiday?

It's not just toys and clothes, it's the boiler breaking, energy bills predicted to go up. I doubt that money will end up on luxuries if the cost of living is going up.

@bluebell34567

you both need to attend the anger management course and see how it goes from there.

atm, stay away from each other when angry.

I try. But he follows me, like with the bedroom incident. It makes him more angry if he thinks I'm not engaging/caring.

We can't afford a holiday. We're not struggling but we already count the pennies running one household, let alone two.

I'm embarrassed to say I lost it and ended up hitting him across the chest and kicking him.

Was this in front of the 4 year old?

You’re both behaving in completely outrageous ways and that’ll be having a terrible affect on your young children so I don’t see it as something to fix but at least you’re both trying to address your anger issues.

Plenty of people don't have more than 100 quid left after housing, bills and food. Of course it's going to be hellish hard. But it has to be better than bringing your child up in a violent home.

Did you factor in UC as well?

ConfusedRightNow

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. You are also not some sort of rehab centre for such a badly raised man.

What you're describing here is domestic violence along with your visceral reactions to same.

Re your comments in quote marks (separated out in order to give my response):-

"My husband after apologising has signed up for anger management and marriage counselling for us both"

His apology is meaningless and you should not enter into any form of joint counselling with him. This is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. No decent counsellor would ever want to see the two of you together being counselled due to the violence and emotional abuse he metes out to you and in turn your kids. What on earth are they learning about relationships from the two of you here?. AM courses as well are NO answer to domestic violence. I think he has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you call him out on his unreasonable behaviours. Your children have seen and heard far more than they should have in their young lives already.

"After a visit from the police this morning (because the friend I stayed with and my mother recommended I report the wall punching incident) and reflecting on my behaviour I've rung the GP and waiting for a call back about my own anger management".

Did you call the Police?. You need a divorce, not anger management via the GP. You can control yourself around other people as infact can he so this is not about AM. Abuse is about power and control and your H wants absolute over you all here.

"My husband is adamant we can make this work and go back to a happy, healthy family household for our kids".
No, no and no again. This was never really a happy and or healthy household for you three within it; this was only a "happy home" for your H because of the power and control he wields over you all.

"I'm not so sure. I'm so lost. Should I keep trying? Can we fix this? Or should I push my children into poverty?"

Do you really think your children are at all happy now; you're not and they are seeing an emotionally unhappy mother in you. They can and do pick up on all the vibes here; both spoken and unspoken and they know on some level their friend's dads do not act like dad does towards you as their mum.

Your children need a happy and stable non abusive home to grow up in. Masses of material things and holidays count for the square sum of bugger all if this is what they are seeing at home. What do you yourself want to teach them about relationships and just what are they learning here?. They cannot afford to go onto potentially repeat this in their own adult relationships as either perpatrators of abuse or victims of same.

I would urge you to contact Womens Aid and a Solicitor asap to start divorce proceedings. You need to be seen to be protecting your children as well as you from your husband.

My husband is adamant we can make this work and go back to a happy, healthy family household for our kids.

No absolutely not. He has been abusive on many occasions, he has gone into crisis management mode here to try and protect his image to the outside world and not have people find out how much of a prick he is.

Please leave, yes money is a worry. It is for most single parents. I thought I would be destitute and not be able to provide for my DS when I left my ex and yes it's been no picnic but nowhere near as hard as I thought it would be.

You need to set an example that this isn't acceptable. Show your children that they don't need to take this as the way relationships are.

Get out ASAP and don't listen to his empty apologies or promises. It's the wall this time, it will be you next.

Self respect and adulting 101 is to stay away from people with whom you feel shit.

You are currently choosing violence for the backdrop of your children's lives. This will upset them now, and demonstrate to them that this is what adult relationships look like. They will replicate your relationship when they are adults.

Show them instead that when a relationship turns toxic, you don't dither about and wonder what to do; you get out.

Working out how the money you have now will stretch to 2 households is a red herring. Your entitlements will change when you become single. Work out what you're entitled to, and work out how to make that work for you.

I was the child in a family like yours. It was horrible, and then I was violent with my first partner, and had a string of unhealthy relationships into my 40s. It wasn't until I had some painful counselling that I sorted myself out. Don't put your kids through that.

You can't fix this relationship. It's incredibly volatile and there's physical assault and damage when your children are present.

It's better to be poor than dead when the violence goes too far.

Why on earth do you want to fix this?! I’m a single mum. It’s hard but I’d much rather my DC come from a broken home than live in one

@AnneLovesGilbert

I'm embarrassed to say I lost it and ended up hitting him across the chest and kicking him.

Was this in front of the 4 year old?

You’re both behaving in completely outrageous ways and that’ll be having a terrible affect on your young children so I don’t see it as something to fix but at least you’re both trying to address your anger issues.

Yes, I'm ashamed to say it was in front of my daughter. I've never reacted like that before and I haven't since.

@RandomMess

Did you factor in UC as well?

Yes, that was UC, along with child maintenance. I just looked at the energy bill projection email from our supplier and it is going up by £100 next month. So, now I have nothing spare. I don't understand how I could survive as a single parent.

I'm also struggling with explaining a separation to my kids. They love their father. I took them out for a day trip over the holidays and when they got home he was back from work. They ran to him so excited to tell him about their day. He's the exciting parent, plays with them when at home while I do the household stuff.

I'm also scared about how he'll cope as a single parent with the kids. Our son has issues regulating his emotions and lashes out regularly at me and his father. I'm not sure my husband will cope on his own.

I worry his behaviour is mirroring his father's already, it's also what my mum thinks. But I don't know that for sure. And I'm such a negative person maybe I've got it all wrong.

@NotaCoolMum

Why on earth do you want to fix this?! I’m a single mum. It’s hard but I’d much rather my DC come from a broken home than live in one

My father died when I was young and my mum struggled initially until she met my step-dad. She talks to me a lot about the importance of finding someone else really quickly but I can't see that being a good idea (I didn't get on with my stepdad for years and years. I'm happy she found love but it made my childhood miserable). So,I'm facing all that struggling my mum went through. And she didn't even have mortgage/rent because the life insurance paid that off. I just don't want my kids to suffer because I couldn't make my marriage wirk.

I am sorry reading about the experiences of some of you living in a volatile home. It fills me with fear too for my kids. But what if I and my husband could fix this. Has anyone managed it?

@ConfusedRightNow

I am sorry reading about the experiences of some of you living in a volatile home. It fills me with fear too for my kids. But what if I and my husband could fix this. Has anyone managed it?

You shouldn't want to fix the relationship.

You should want to end the relationship and focus on providing a stable environment for your children.

I cannot begin to explain to you the level of anxiety your children will already be experiencing living in this environment.

And how every day you two stay in a relationship is adding to that anxiety, the level of damage it will cause to them and the likelihood that they will replicate this relationship dynamic themselves when they are adults.

This is going to hurt to read but your children currently go to sleep feeling anxious, on edge, unsafe and thinking it's normal and acceptable for partners to verbally and physically assault one another.

Hiding behind having some disposable income vs being hard up if you leave simply isn't good enough I'm afraid. Your kids deserve more than that.

@ConfusedRightNow

I am sorry reading about the experiences of some of you living in a volatile home. It fills me with fear too for my kids. But what if I and my husband could fix this. Has anyone managed it?

Do you mean “ Has anyone managed to change their husband ? “. If som the answer is no.

No one can change anyone else. It’s hard enough to change yourself, even when you really want to and have family and professional help.

It’s impossible to change another person.

Your husband won’t change because he doesn’t want to. Tell me, how long has he been behaving like this? 10 years ? Longer?

He won’t change because he doesn’t want to. He gets benefits from how he is acting - probably controlling you. He is making promises about changing because he fears that he is losing control of you.

He will say and do just enough to keep you under his control. He will use any joint counselling that you do to abuse you further. Then he will go back to his usual behaviour.

I think you know this deep down , don’t you?

I feel like I'm not getting the message across that's it's not having disposable income. I'd literally be earning exactly what I need to pay the basics and if something were to break, be it the boiler, or part of the house, I couldn't pay for it. I see all these predictions of the cost of living going up and think what if I can't afford to feed them in a year's time.

My kids have already seen some of the abuse, I can't take that away from them, that's already damaged them. I'm well aware. But going forward, can we make it work?

I'm struggling to see how dragging my kids away from their home into an unstable environment, where I can't likely make ends meet isn't also going to damage them.

I'm not trying to change my husband. He wants to be less angry and he wants to change himself. He says he's spent his whole life feeling angry and he wants to change. I don't want to repeat when I lost it in January so I'll go to AM to address what the hell went wrong with me that day.

Has anybody changed a volatile environment into a non-volatile one?

We've had marriage counselling in the past where the counselling talked about changing the language in arguments from "you are doing..." To "this is making me feel". About stepping away and agreeing to resolve stuff later. I've been trying to do that but I've become lax of late due to tiredness and having to deal with other issues.

I grew up with my parents arguing over my behaviour. I know couples argue. I just don't know how you overcome this is your relationship is more affection than argument.

I grew up with my parents arguing over my behaviour. I know couples argue.

You know argumentative, angry households. That's what your children are learning is normal too. That's how the cycle repeats itself.

I just don't know how you overcome this is your relationship is more affection than argument.

You can't overcome this in relationships that are toxic. In relationships where one or both partners have a history of anger issues they've taken out on each other. In relationships where anger and toxicity has been normalised so the bar is low.

Everyone has said the same thing and you keep asking the same question.

There's a reason you're getting the same answer each time, from multiple strangers.

Because it's the honest one.

If your husband has been angry his whole life , why has he never sought help before ?

And if he’s been this angry all his life, why has he never acted in this violent and controlling way with anyone else, like his parents , friends and teachers at school or colleagues at work ?

Has he ever lost his job because of his angry behaviour ? Does he have criminal convictions and has he spent time in prison ?