Can we fix this?

[ConfusedRightNow]

My husband and I have a very volatile relationship. A couple of weeks ago during an argument, away from the kids, he punched a hole in a wall and started shouting and swearing in my face. He is often irritable and throws stuff or slams doors. Usually when the children aren't here but on a couple of occasions in front of the children, which I am really angry about. Our interactions often involve bickering and he is very critical of things I do around the house. He is hardly ever affectionate towards me which I worry is a terrible way to represent relationships to our children (DS6 and DD4).

I am far from blameless though. I try to remain calm but occasionally snap back. In January it reached a head when I'd gone to the bedroom to clear my head, my daughter was calling for me and my husband stood outside the bedroom door telling me what a horrible mother I was. I'm embarrassed to say I lost it and ended up hitting him across the chest and kicking him.

Fast forward to now, a couple of weekends ago, just before the wall punching incident I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He begged me to stay and then got angry. After the wall punching incident I upped and left with the kids to stay with a friend for a few days. But sitting down and looking through finances, I've realised I just can't make ends meet. I can lose having a car, but I'd still only have £100 a month left after rent/mortgage (the latter being smaller), food and bills for anything else; clothes, fuel prices going up, unexpected expenses, books, any treats, school trips. This is taking into account any maintenance from my husband and all benefits we'd be entitled to. So, in conclusion I can't actually afford to leave.

My husband after apologising has signed up for anger management and marriage counselling for us both. After a visit from the police this morning (because the friend I stayed with and my mother recommended I report the wall punching incident) and reflecting on my behaviour I've rung the GP and waiting for a call back about my own anger management. My husband is adamant we can make this work and go back to a happy, healthy family household for our kids.

I'm not so sure. I'm so lost. Should I keep trying? Can we fix this? Or should I push my children into poverty?

am genuinely sorry to hear about the experiences people had growing up in volatile households and the lasting impact but I'm not going to let that happen to my kids

Yes you are, you're going to take him back. We reap what we sow with our kids. You will as well.

The children are already affected. You might not think it's 'that bad' but it is. It's not normal or healthy.

Accusing posters of making you feel suicidal because they haven't told you what you want to hear is awful. If you;re mental health is as severe as this you need to speak to your GP.

I may sound harsh but at nearly 40, mine and my siblings lives are still affected by our childhood due to an environment almost identical to yours. We would pretend we were sleeping because we were frightened. I have memories from as young as 3 years old. Relationships have been affected (because the pattern continues) and I have a very strained relationship with both parents because of it.

If he's as good a Dad as you say (and please don't blame AS! I have an almost adult child on the spectrum who struggles with certain things but is not abusive so I find that offensive) then you will work out the logistics living apart like everyone else.

I think you are in denial which is completely understandable but you need to listen to people who are giving advice on their own experiences rather than keeping going until someone says what you want them to.

You will cope. Your children will be happier and you'll be stopping any further damage. I wish you and your children all the best.

your*

You are an adult with an adult's resilience and a whole life's worth of experience. If you feel like you can't cope with this how the bloody hell do you think they will?

People are telling you over and over again the affect that growing up in this kind of household will have on your children and you are still wringing your hands saying it could be better for them of you stay. I cut my mum out of my life for many years bevause she did the exact same as you (and even then it was only my dad who was the angry one, she never argued back) thinking she was "doing her best" whereas in actual fact it suited her better to stay because she could tolerate it and the thought of being a single mum was really scary. So she (and you) would prefer to have your kids grow up to have MH issues than go through the difficulties of figuring something out herself.

If you still love him and he still loves you, both need anger management as both sets of behaviour are unacceptable and marriage counselling. Its worth trying to make it work. If you had a good relationship previously I think people can work to get back there, but if it doesn't work at least you have tried.

If you had a good relationship previously

They haven't had a good relationship in many years, not since they first took a break in their relationship.

There's no way to fix this now.

@inheritancetrack

If you still love him and he still loves you, both need anger management as both sets of behaviour are unacceptable and marriage counselling. Its worth trying to make it work. If you had a good relationship previously I think people can work to get back there, but if it doesn't work at least you have tried.

They haven’t previously had a good relationship. On top of all the aggression, arguing and toxicity - much of which has been in front of the kids, their relationship history is as follows:

"I moved away and we attempted a long distance relationship. I fell for my room mate who was also my work colleague. I broke up with my now husband and was honest as to why. My room mate admitted he wasn't interested. A few days later my now husband asked if we could get back together and after a few days of soul searching I said yes. But I never got over my feelings for my room mate and that's when the bickering started. But the positives outweighed the negatives until after my daughter was born. Since then though all the affection had gone, my husband didn't want to sleep with me for three and a half years."

There is no world in which these two should remain in a relationship if their kids are their priority.

Come on, you don't have an anger management problem, surely you know this. You're living with an aggressive, abusive man who constantly winds you up, upsets you, puts you on edge, makes your children's lives a misery and pushes you to the edge constantly and on purpose...

Listen, when it comes to crunch time, he will say look there's a record of anger mgmt classes on both sides, violence on both sides, and getting custody or proving his violence will be tough.

This will be causing damage to your kids, I don't say it glibly but you need to leave.

Just checking in to see how things are OP? My husband sounds similar, and is better now the kids are older though is still a very difficult person to live with.

Kids another year closer to being traumatised adults probably.