Can we fix this?

[ConfusedRightNow]

My husband and I have a very volatile relationship. A couple of weeks ago during an argument, away from the kids, he punched a hole in a wall and started shouting and swearing in my face. He is often irritable and throws stuff or slams doors. Usually when the children aren't here but on a couple of occasions in front of the children, which I am really angry about. Our interactions often involve bickering and he is very critical of things I do around the house. He is hardly ever affectionate towards me which I worry is a terrible way to represent relationships to our children (DS6 and DD4).

I am far from blameless though. I try to remain calm but occasionally snap back. In January it reached a head when I'd gone to the bedroom to clear my head, my daughter was calling for me and my husband stood outside the bedroom door telling me what a horrible mother I was. I'm embarrassed to say I lost it and ended up hitting him across the chest and kicking him.

Fast forward to now, a couple of weekends ago, just before the wall punching incident I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He begged me to stay and then got angry. After the wall punching incident I upped and left with the kids to stay with a friend for a few days. But sitting down and looking through finances, I've realised I just can't make ends meet. I can lose having a car, but I'd still only have £100 a month left after rent/mortgage (the latter being smaller), food and bills for anything else; clothes, fuel prices going up, unexpected expenses, books, any treats, school trips. This is taking into account any maintenance from my husband and all benefits we'd be entitled to. So, in conclusion I can't actually afford to leave.

My husband after apologising has signed up for anger management and marriage counselling for us both. After a visit from the police this morning (because the friend I stayed with and my mother recommended I report the wall punching incident) and reflecting on my behaviour I've rung the GP and waiting for a call back about my own anger management. My husband is adamant we can make this work and go back to a happy, healthy family household for our kids.

I'm not so sure. I'm so lost. Should I keep trying? Can we fix this? Or should I push my children into poverty?

@Iamabiggangster

The Police have a duty to inform Children’s Services about any incident like this where a child has been present or lives in the home. I would therefore expect that you will have a third referral made and they will assess again. The decision to ‘try again’ may be taken out of your hands, as it doesn’t sound like a good environment for any children. Plus I can assure you that the children will be well aware of any arguments and damaging of the home, regardless of whether you thought they were ‘asleep’.

The SS was fully aware if the incident and the police involvement and still closed the case.

I've looked into the options and I don't have enough money.

You can't have looked into all options OP?

Your poor partners if you out so little effort into fixing relationships.

You're lashing out at people who are concerned about your children but they are concerned for good reason.

At minimum they are living in a volatile, toxic environment where they've witnessed both parents being aggressive and shouting - one parent throwing / smashing stuff, one physically assaulting the other etc.

Your kids live in an abusive home, so people are going to respond emotionally to that especially people who have been the child in that situation.

If he left you, you would have to find a way to cope without your children starving or freezing. What would that way be? All of us, even in a happy relationship, should know what that way would be, what help we would need to find, what support we would need to ask for etc. it's part of being a responsible adult, having a back up plan.

They do not live in a happy home.

The two of you are fundamentally toxic to each other and have an established history of abusive behaviour.

You can't fix it.

I just wanted to wish you all the best with training. I read that article and my husband has done a couple of those points already. I'm hoping the AM is the turning point for him.

I am genuinely sorry to hear about the experiences people had growing up in volatile households and the lasting impact but I'm not going to let that happen to my kids.

But it all feels like an overreaction to one incident that scared me.

One incident that scared you.

Multiple incidents that will have scared the kids.

Multiple incidents that have made you unhappy.

Multiple incidents that have made the children feel in the way or annoying.

A complete lack of affection between you modelling, unhappy relationships to the kids.

Countless incidents of you two bickering so home life for the kids is unstable and unhappy.

You're under reacting.

You likely did not want to tell them the whole truth here about your life with your husband.
No one on here today has advised you to remain with this man , why do you think that is?

I am genuinely sorry to hear about the experiences people had growing up in volatile households and the lasting impact but I'm not going to let that happen to my kids.

Why will the outcome be different for your kids if you stay?

It’s already happening to your children and they will be impacted markedly by this. You cannot protect your own self here and your kid either whilst you are all under the same roof

Anger management courses as well are NO answer to domestic abuse,

He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you at all call him out on his unreasonable behaviour

Our son has issues regulating his emotions and lashes out regularly at me and his father.

You are both teaching him that instead of regulating emotions, it's normal and acceptable to lash out. To argue. To shout. To bicker. To hit. To throw. To punch walls.

Poor kid must be so confused when he mimics it and then no doubt gets bollocked for it 😞

Anger is abuse when it's being taken out on you like this. I'm also a SW and you've described an abusive relationship OP. But you're not ready to leave.

Your safety plan needs to be more than a bag. You need numbers written down of where you can go for help. You need your local DV charity support. Any DV charity would say this is abusive and I don't believe you've told them and the SW everything, otherwise you'd be having assessments from them. It's classed as abuse for your dc to be at home whilst violent incidents occur, qmd punching walls is violent.

You can ring the national DV helpline and not give them your name and tell them everything if you need a clearer understanding.

Your H is obviously insecure, abuse occurs with insecurities. I'm sure making you his whole world and having the roommate incidence contributed to why he's like he is. I know you don't believe it's abuse ect but the best thing you can do for your H is to get him out socialising and doing things to make him feel secure again. That's a him problem and not a You problem. And you both need to learn to regulate your emotions. Him especially and then your son. There are loads of resources out there to help with this.

OP can you start saving a separate pot of money so if you do ever need to leave you can?

It just gives you peace of mind that even if it's just enough to keep you going for a couple of months you can do that for your children if you ever get to that point.

I am also a social worker and work in child protection. From what you’ve said on here, your relationship is 100% abusive and you really need to stop minimising the emotional harm that your children will be experiencing from it. They will not thank you for this when they’re older. A basic right of any child is to have a safe home, free from fear. That is worth more than money

I'm really sorry op but I find it hard to believe if you have been truly open to a DV organization or SS that they will not say this is abusive.
I have been where you are and I didn't accept it as abuse, I couldn't. It's taken a lot of work to get to that place.
In the end, I left thinking I don't want my children to have this as their role model for a relationship. It is already impacting on your children from your description.
Look at the wheel of power and control and please look at doing the freedom program - it will open your eyes

I am genuinely sorry to hear about the experiences people had growing up in volatile households and the lasting impact but I'm not going to let that happen to my kids.

But that's what we're telling you, yours is a volatile household, it is what you are exposing your kids too. Your kids will be affected by it, you don't get to choose whether it does or not, unfortunately. They may be like my brothers and strive for the opposite of what was normal growing up but a lot of people unknowingly and unwillingly replicate their norm. I am still in (low) contact with my parents, my eldest sister who was a lot older through the worst of it and sheltered the rest of us a lot is completely no contact. My mum regularly says it's ridiculous that she won't speak to her and that it wasn't that bad growing up, we went on lots of nice holidays and we're always fed etc. She minimises and minimises the reality of what it was for all of us. That's what you're doing too. I mean it gently, as I said, I've made these mistakes myself along the years but since having my kids I just know that I can't. I won't risk losing their respect or them completely.

Also my parents never separated, they stayed together despite all of it and neither are happy for it. They potter along but there's a lot of resentment and anger between them. It hasn't been as volatile as it was during my childhood for many, many years but it's still far from a relationship that I ever want for myself.

My sister rightly decided to end an emotionally abusive relationship with the father of her DC and rather than supporting her our dad sent her this long text going on and on about how once you have kids you stay, that's what you do, it's not about you anymore, it's selfish to leave, look at what me and your mother did, we aren't perfect and never have been but we never split up. My sister sent a screenshot in our siblings group chat and we were all thinking the exact same, no you didn't ever break up but god do we wish you had. Thousands would of been saved in therapy between the lot of us at the very least!

@ConfusedRightNow

I just wanted to wish you all the best with training. I read that article and my husband has done a couple of those points already. I'm hoping the AM is the turning point for him.

I am genuinely sorry to hear about the experiences people had growing up in volatile households and the lasting impact but I'm not going to let that happen to my kids.

It’s happening right now. You are letting it happen!

He’s an abuser. You are enabling him. You’re not listening to anyone so good luck with everything.

@ConfusedRightNow

I just wanted to wish you all the best with training. I read that article and my husband has done a couple of those points already. I'm hoping the AM is the turning point for him.

I am genuinely sorry to hear about the experiences people had growing up in volatile households and the lasting impact but I'm not going to let that happen to my kids.

It's already happening

You're letting it happen

Yes, you should stay as long as it take to get your ducks in a row and ensure you will be financially stable when you leave with the children.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, nor on a whim, these things take planning.

If I were you I would stay in the house and make him leave. As long as you have enough to pay the bills then it's fine. You don't need any extra in the short term. When you are settled and feeling better then looks for either a different job or more money. Life changes and you will feel better for it in the long run.

But I never got over my feelings for my room mate and that's when the bickering started.

Since then though all the affection had gone, my husband didn't want to sleep with me for three and a half years. And now it just feels like our only interaction is bickering.

I'm putting this bluntly. But why do you think there's anything to be fixed?
Clearly you didn't really have the right feelings for him when you got back with him after being with your room mate. Then it has been a slow decline since, with your H progressively disinterested. It's no excuse for his aggression but there's no foundation for a marriage or honest relationship there.

It's time to end it, especially for your DC.

And I want that fixed, not to give up on him and our family.

You cannot fix him.

He has his own issues that he needs to take responsibility for.

You are not giving up on the family by recognising that this is a deeply dysfunctional marriage and you need to end it. There is a better life for you all.

Understandably you are worried scoot the future.

Can you talk to a trusted relative or friend IRL, to plan a bit?

Get a job, consider options re moving closer to family, start to look at financial options.

Yes, it may be challenging financially. But it is doable. And your DC - and you - will have a secure, happy home life which is worth everything.

Have you considered that you just aren't ready to leave yet? They say it takes people to leave five times before they actually stop returning to their abuser. Chances are you've spent years being groomed to see yourself as the problem and he the victim. There are some very inciteful posts here and I hope you take some of the thoughts to heart. Perhaps you think you can put some rose tinted glasses on and it will all be fine, but it's just a matter of time really. He will be on his best behaviour right now to win you back and then when he feels you are sufficiently under the thumb again he will revert to all of his nasty behaviour. The longer you stay the more damage your relationship will do to your children's mental health. Try being properly honest with the professionals.. and then see if they still think everything is fine.

I'm really sorry but you can't fix your husband. Only he can fix himself. And he won't admit he's abusive. He is abusive. You have described an abusive man. He is not a good father. A good father doesn't throw things around and punch things.

Do you think he's in control when he does those things? If not, then how do you know he won't throw something at you, or at one of your children? And if he is in control, then he's choosing to frighten and intimidate and make you miserable.

Children are much happier when their parents are happy. To use the quote - better to come from a broken home than to live in one.

I wish you all the best. You deserve better.

Give it 12 months. Both of you go to counselling - separately - , and you both try you hardest to behave like actual grown-ups. if there is a sniff of violence from either of you, you have to separate immediately. Just hope that one of you doesn't kill the other.