Can we fix this?

[ConfusedRightNow]

My husband and I have a very volatile relationship. A couple of weeks ago during an argument, away from the kids, he punched a hole in a wall and started shouting and swearing in my face. He is often irritable and throws stuff or slams doors. Usually when the children aren't here but on a couple of occasions in front of the children, which I am really angry about. Our interactions often involve bickering and he is very critical of things I do around the house. He is hardly ever affectionate towards me which I worry is a terrible way to represent relationships to our children (DS6 and DD4).

I am far from blameless though. I try to remain calm but occasionally snap back. In January it reached a head when I'd gone to the bedroom to clear my head, my daughter was calling for me and my husband stood outside the bedroom door telling me what a horrible mother I was. I'm embarrassed to say I lost it and ended up hitting him across the chest and kicking him.

Fast forward to now, a couple of weekends ago, just before the wall punching incident I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He begged me to stay and then got angry. After the wall punching incident I upped and left with the kids to stay with a friend for a few days. But sitting down and looking through finances, I've realised I just can't make ends meet. I can lose having a car, but I'd still only have £100 a month left after rent/mortgage (the latter being smaller), food and bills for anything else; clothes, fuel prices going up, unexpected expenses, books, any treats, school trips. This is taking into account any maintenance from my husband and all benefits we'd be entitled to. So, in conclusion I can't actually afford to leave.

My husband after apologising has signed up for anger management and marriage counselling for us both. After a visit from the police this morning (because the friend I stayed with and my mother recommended I report the wall punching incident) and reflecting on my behaviour I've rung the GP and waiting for a call back about my own anger management. My husband is adamant we can make this work and go back to a happy, healthy family household for our kids.

I'm not so sure. I'm so lost. Should I keep trying? Can we fix this? Or should I push my children into poverty?

As a child I grew up in a volatile household like this and I strongly urge you to consider your children. I went to bed at night hearing my parents screaming, things being broken and worrying about one of them hurting the other. Used to hate having friends round as my parents would openly argue in front of them. My dad would walk out all the time and I remember my mum making us stand crying at the window to guilt him as he drove off. I suffer terribly with anxiety as an adult, as do my siblings. My husband and I do not argue, we have rational discussions if we disagree over things. I couldn't be in a relationship where arguments happened regularly or where my children had to experience what I did!

For what it's worth, my parents are still together and have mellowed significantly with age and some counselling. But the volatile undercurrent is still there as it emerges from time to time, and also the damage to us unfortunately can't be undone.

Your poor children

My dad would walk out all the time and I remember my mum making us stand crying at the window to guilt him as he drove off.

That is so sad to read 😢

Has anybody changed a volatile environment into a non-volatile one?

Has your relationship always been volatile?

@M0RVEN

If your husband has been angry his whole life , why has he never sought help before ?

And if he’s been this angry all his life, why has he never acted in this violent and controlling way with anyone else, like his parents , friends and teachers at school or colleagues at work ?

Has he ever lost his job because of his angry behaviour ? Does he have criminal convictions and has he spent time in prison ?

He hasn't got criminal convictions or been in prison no.

But he's also got no friends. He admitted the other day that he feels his whole life everyone has been laughing at him and he's never had true friends. He also says he feels resentment when those he went to school with do well in life. He says I'm the only friend he has.

His mother and him rub each other the wrong way and sometimes argue but less now he's an adult.

Other than that no. He can come across as rude and abrupt I've been told but I think he has a touch of Asperger's and he doesn't like social situations.

@EarringsandLipstick

Has anybody changed a volatile environment into a non-volatile one?

Has your relationship always been volatile?

No, the first three years were lovely. I moved away and we attempted a long distance relationship. I fell for my room mate who was also my work colleague. I broke up with my now husband and was honest as to why. My room mate admitted he wasn't interested. A few days later my now husband asked if we could get back together and after a few days of soul searching I said yes. But I never got over my feelings for my room mate and that's when the bickering started. But the positives outweighed the negatives until after my daughter was born. Since then though all the affection had gone, my husband didn't want to sleep with me for three and a half years. And now it just feels like our only interaction is bickering.

@2ndTimeRound90

As a child I grew up in a volatile household like this and I strongly urge you to consider your children. I went to bed at night hearing my parents screaming, things being broken and worrying about one of them hurting the other. Used to hate having friends round as my parents would openly argue in front of them. My dad would walk out all the time and I remember my mum making us stand crying at the window to guilt him as he drove off. I suffer terribly with anxiety as an adult, as do my siblings. My husband and I do not argue, we have rational discussions if we disagree over things. I couldn't be in a relationship where arguments happened regularly or where my children had to experience what I did!

For what it's worth, my parents are still together and have mellowed significantly with age and some counselling. But the volatile undercurrent is still there as it emerges from time to time, and also the damage to us unfortunately can't be undone.

I'm so sorry. That sounds like a horrible way to grow up and very manipulative of your mother. I couldn't dream of ever using my children in that way. I know they're not ignorant to the bickering but I feel that's another level of horror.

You settled for him. He knows you settled for him. You both get angry and violent and your children live in an abusive home.

You can work the money out. This relationship isn't fixable.

Please don’t stay.

I think you will have to wait and see. It sounds currently like a very toxic relationship which is escalating but if he has accepted blame and has promised to seek help, then watch his actions. Is he attending all his appointments? Is he learning new ways of dealing with anger? Do you feel safe? Don't put up with any more abuse (not a single second!) but also, if he is truly committed to change and you want to stay, then there may be a way back.

@girlmom21

You settled for him. He knows you settled for him. You both get angry and violent and your children live in an abusive home.

You can work the money out. This relationship isn't fixable.

I bicker back because I used to just take what he said and try to ignore it but then I worried the kid were growing up seeing me not stand up for myself. I try to stand up for myself and that where I come across as angry. I'm not usually the angry one. I've been trying to stay calm but recently I just couldn't anymore.

How do I work out the money though? I was thinking about getting a couple of jobs but the my kids will end up either constantly in childcare or more likely spending a hell of a lot of time alone with my husband. Childcare is really hard to come by near here and the after school club only has a third capacity. I spend a lot of mornings and after school watching friends' children because they can't get childcare. My husband hates his job and often takes leave on a whim and I can see him reducing his hours if we break up so he can spend more time with the kids, so they his earnings will drop and I'll have to work more.

@MostlyOk

I think you will have to wait and see. It sounds currently like a very toxic relationship which is escalating but if he has accepted blame and has promised to seek help, then watch his actions. Is he attending all his appointments? Is he learning new ways of dealing with anger? Do you feel safe? Don't put up with any more abuse (not a single second!) but also, if he is truly committed to change and you want to stay, then there may be a way back.

This is what I'm hoping for. I'm just wondering if anyone has actually been through this and it's worked?

What is your current work pattern?
How much do you earn now?
What rent are you looking at?

If the kids go into after school club, so be it. Plenty of families with two parents use after school clubs etc.

Do you have a job where you can work overtime when he has the children?

You'll be entitled to UC if you're not a high earner.

I spend a lot of mornings and after school watching friends' children because they can't get childcare.

Can’t get childcare - as in, absolutely none is available? Or possibly you’re an easy option…

Stay with your abusive husband and damage your children so that you are financially better off.

That’s the advice you’re looking for isn’t it?

The police are now involved due to his violent outbursts. It will only be a matter of time before social services become involved.

Your poor children. Why won’t you listen to the advice you are being given rather than asking if there is hope for your relationship?

Why won’t you listen to the advice you are being given rather than asking if there is hope for your relationship?

Especially when this relationship was your second choice out of a grand total of 2 options.

@NoSquirrels

What is your current work pattern? How much do you earn now? What rent are you looking at?

Currently I don't work. I took a career break when my son was 18 months old because a. I missed him and we worked out we could survive on one salary and b. My son's sleep was so bad I kept making mistakes at work and ended up hallucinating; voices, things crawling on the wall and the final straw was a car coming out of junction on the commute home and nearly crashed my car. My career break ended up during second lockdown and I couldn't go back as I had both kids at home and no childcare as we weren't keyworkers, so I resigned. I'm not sure how employable I am now, which is an added worry, but I've brushed off my CV and updated it and I'm actively looking for jobs. My husband would like me to wait until September when my daughter is at school but I'm aware I may need a job sooner.

Our mortgage is £730 per month. Rent is at least that on one or two bedroom properties around here so it's going to be at least that.

@girlmom21

Why won’t you listen to the advice you are being given rather than asking if there is hope for your relationship?

Especially when this relationship was your second choice out of a grand total of 2 options.

I've been with my husband since we were 18. Why would I have had more options?

@SophB15

Stay with your abusive husband and damage your children so that you are financially better off.

That’s the advice you’re looking for isn’t it?

The police are now involved due to his violent outbursts. It will only be a matter of time before social services become involved.

Your poor children. Why won’t you listen to the advice you are being given rather than asking if there is hope for your relationship?

No, I'm just not convinced he's abusive. The wall thing freaked me the hell out. And the police are involved because I stupidly rang them. But that's the first and only time I've ever felt truly scared. Throwing stuff and slamming doors has just been his outlet for anger (again not usually in front of the kids. They hear more slamming doors from our attached neighbours who slam doors all evening).

Your marriage is not working because your H is abusive towards you and in turn your kids. It will never work nor will it ever become non volatile. What you're describing here is domestic violence within the home. I also think its just a matter of time before Social Services become involved too.

Re your comment:-
"My father died when I was young and my mum struggled initially until she met my step-dad. She talks to me a lot about the importance of finding someone else really quickly but I can't see that being a good idea (I didn't get on with my stepdad for years and years. I'm happy she found love but it made my childhood miserable)".

You did not find love with the man you are now with and its making your kids childhoods miserable as well. I do not think they adore their father at all; they fear him on some level. The only person who can remove them from this is you and you're not doing that for what are really no reasons at all. What are your children going to remember here about their childhoods?. It may feel "easier" for you to stay for financial reasons but its a fallacy and a decision you will come to bitterly regret ever making.

You learnt a shedload of damaging lessons about relationships when you were growing up and those are now being passed on to your children.

It's also not financially better off. I'm not looking for nice clothes and holidays. I'm scared I won't be able to afford food or shelter for them if I leave.

@ConfusedRightNow
I'm so sorry. That sounds like a horrible way to grow up and very manipulative of your mother. I couldn't dream of ever using my children in that way. I know they're not ignorant to the bickering but I feel that's another level of horror.

Well it is hard to explain - my mum is the best mum in every other way and extremely loving and extremely present in my life. My childhood was otherwise 'perfect'. But I think she assumes we don't remember how bad it got back then! And to be honest it was all horrible, not just those occasions of manipulation, so I think you need to be careful not to sweep this aside as being different for your children. When you think they are asleep in bed, they will be aware and listening. When you think the tension is subtle and they won't pick up on it, they will. You can absolutely love them and still be causing harm.

Social services were involved after I considered suicide in January after my outburst and stupidly broke down and told my daughter's nursery worker. Anyway, the social worker has assessed the situation and closed the case. Even they don't think it's abusive.

I've been with my husband since we were 18. Why would I have had more options?

The only other man you've been close to wouldn't been your first choice. Doesn't that tell you something?

I'm not saying this to be horrible.

Your children will be safer in a one bedroom flat eating beans on toast than living with a violent, aggressive man and their parents toxic relationship.

I've been the child whose parent worries about putting food on the table. It's better than the alternative.