Dating Thread 226: Springing into Spring

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@ArtOfTheImpossible
I think you would be fine for some dating, meeting some people etc, but on evening a week might be a bit of a stretch to create a relationship, but I’m sure some people manage it

Sorry ignore my previous post, it was meant for the OLD grads thread.
I've asked mumsnet to delete on here.

ibelieveinmirrorballs

Ahhh ! You seem to like the sound of him and it’s mutual if he’s curtailing a trip
I’m sending hopeful vibes for this date

Just had a very nice evening with Balkan
Very nice
Just chilled and spoke
It’s so much better than communicating via WhatsApp (doh) . When he explains some stuff I totally get it , whereas get huffy when I misread texts

I’m slightly less wanton in my house which needs adressing

JangolinaPitt

Oh I hope he hasn’t blocked you
So crappy
Can you see profile pic

We’re the bloody WhatsApp detectives on this thread

gelatodipistacchio

I think he’s as smitten with you as you are with him
I’m on that smitten bench too
I cannot lie or deny
I am smut!?

Moopyhereagain

Good luck . I’m sorry for your loss

For me a widower wouldn’t be an issue or something on the table
At my age it’s either
Younger , or

Divorced and I’ve not yet met one that doesn’t have some beef with their ex

Or hasn’t met someone yet so mainly want casual until they meet a potential mother (fair enough )

ArtOfTheImpossible

I’ve managed to meet someone and I’m also a single mum with only babysitters
This is how I approached it
(1) brutally honest profile , keep it light but be clear - trust me it filters out slot of wankers
(2) meeting other people with same issues , many men are single parents too
(3) start with daytime walks or coffee not necessitating a babysitter

And have faith
And get two babysitters !!

It is so expensive- how often do you plan dates and how can you keep the cost down whilest getting to know someone?
ive had 4 dates with one guy, I’ve spent a lot going 50/50 on meals, drinks & cinema but now im not really feeling it.
How do you not get too invested before you decide they are the right guy?

@Newpjamas

It is so expensive- how often do you plan dates and how can you keep the cost down whilest getting to know someone? ive had 4 dates with one guy, I’ve spent a lot going 50/50 on meals, drinks & cinema but now im not really feeling it. How do you not get too invested before you decide they are the right guy?

I think if you're not feeling it after 4 dates and are resenting the cost - that's a sign it's maybe not a goer for you?

After 4 dates with anyone I would want to be excited about spending time with them. Is there any sexual chemistry/spark?

When I first tried OLD I had young DC and not very much money for babysitters - I really found it hard because the act of even going to meet someone for the first time felt like a big commitment of logistics and money and therefore I only really wanted to do it if I felt very sure there was a point - which is not helpful in many ways because you just need to meet fairly quickly and in a relaxed way so you don't overinvest.

It sounds like you might be hanging onto this one a bit because of the investment to date (money and time) rather than because of its own inherent value to you.

I don't have much useful advice other than to keep first dates free and very local so you can just go for a coffee or walk and suss someone out. I think looking out for someone who has a flexible calendar/commitments is helpful too so you can maybe engineer daytime visits if things work out.

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Just had a very nice evening with Balkan Very nice Just chilled and spoke It’s so much better than communicating via WhatsApp (doh) . When he explains some stuff I totally get it , whereas get huffy when I misread texts

I’m slightly less wanton in my house which needs adressing

Great you had a good time and christened your new bedroom

Chilled out is GOOD.

Ref my Thursday youngster - we will see... I've got a big work event to get through before then and am a bit worried I've overcommitted by trying to squeeze a date in but let's see. He seems dare I say it, quite sweet, which is not my normal thing at all.

Agree with MirrorBall, if after 4 dates I wasn’t feeling it with a woman, I’d say thanks, but that’s a no from me.

I’d probably go coffee / drinks date 1, maybe lunch date 2, and call it after that & not spending too much time/ money/energy if it’s not really got legs

ibelieveinmirrorballs
I’m not going to say ‘I have good feelings about this one ‘ as I’ll jinx it !
It’s just nice to have those feelings regardless
Keep the faith

Newpjamas
I’d say short and cheap dates until you like them
Walks , coffee , fast drink after work

Agree with everyone above that if after 4 dates there isn’t the lust , bail

Peacemaking here. Mr M and I are no more for sure which has hurt me a lot but its all for the best i feel. No stomach for dating in case history repeats itself a third time but enjoying following the stories here....

@Eesha

Peacemaking here. Mr M and I are no more for sure which has hurt me a lot but its all for the best i feel. No stomach for dating in case history repeats itself a third time but enjoying following the stories here....

Hi Eesha. I’m very sorry to hear things didn’t work out with Mr M. It’s completely understandable to have zero appetite for dating - it’s taken me 2 months after my own Mr M and I’m only just now feeling some peace from it (some!).

How have you left things with him? I had a month of no contact and then got in touch - of course as he’s super lovely this sparked a week or so of messaging and calls and although I’m glad we “wrapped things up” nicely I’ve needed to go no contact again and will stay that way till I know I’m completely and utterly over it at least.

It is really helping me to talk to a therapist alongside this dating lark because I can only hope I’m getting better at screening out the emotionally unavailable, no matter what guise they come in. Having had a very difficult/abusive marriage, I seem to have progressed to the ‘nice guy but still unavailable’ stage - it’s progress but still not good enough.

@Eesha

Peacemaking here. Mr M and I are no more for sure which has hurt me a lot but its all for the best i feel. No stomach for dating in case history repeats itself a third time but enjoying following the stories here....

Sorry to hear this Eesha. It takes so much resilience doesn’t it? Self care and friends are the way forward. Bit worried I’m just connecting with those I don’t actually like that much , and a bit of ‘spreed betting’ in order to avoid being hurt

Eesha
I’m sorry
I agree that the bruises need to heal before you embark again
Sending non dating fun your way

Thanks @Thisisworsethananticpated - think I’m in diff age bracket 49- so def not in the potential mother bracket. But yes a lot of divorced blokes very bitter about. One date spent whole time telling me how awful his ex was and how he controlled his daughter through data plan and monitoring her phone usage - showed me the tracker and everything. One drink was out of there v v fast!

Moopyhereagain
Same age ! But as men’s little swimmers don’t age there are a few still wanting babies

The men in general seem to be more incomplete with their divorces I find ?

The men in general seem to be more incomplete with their divorces I find ?

As a man of certain age I know a few divorced men, and the above is quite true, they see the divorce as something that has “happened”, to them caused by their ExW, some are quite bitter about it and don’t seem to cope very well until they meet another woman

The 2 I know that have done well and really thrived by themselves have been when they have kicked off and driven the divorce ( 1 guys ExW was arrested for fraud, the other was caught stealing drugs from patients),

And no babies for me, thank you very much

HowlongWillThisTakeNow

I’m glad you said that as I didn’t want to be sexist

I had years to ready myself for the split , and I had covid year 1 to complete (and get fat …)

But yes my current iron is staggeringly incomplete and it baffles me , that said I’m a woman and have had friends to discuss at length with , therapy , anxiety med, more therapy , group therapy etc !!!!

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow thanks - that's a very interesting perspective re divorced men. I know that's how my ex sees it (despite loads of emotional abuse and controlling behaviour), and I have suspected it of other divorced men.

@Thisisworsethananticpated glad that you're getting some in-person time with Mr Balkan! It sounds like it's doing you some good!

gelatodipistacchio

Yeah my ex hates me
Literally despises the air I breathe
So I’m fairly ok when people have acrimonious divorces , as I’m wonderful
We should get your ex and my ex together