Dating Thread 226: Springing into Spring

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Hi, the date was up and down because he was very stressed about family stuff. I was frustrated at this after 5 long weeks but I think the penny dropped that I was going to call things off and then he made huge amends and things improved a lot. He wants me to give him some time to sort out family stuff as in not time out, but yo bear with him. He wants us and everything we have had. Let's see what happens, it all ended happily though!

[quote Stepcount]@ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers, that’s all sounding very positive. He’s also heading towards the 2 week Easter break from work so hopefully he’ll be able to meet then too. It’s good that you feel able to suggest meeting up but for my self esteem I also like when the other person also makes some suggestions too. Let’s hope that his schedule next week allows him time to see you. 🤞🏼[/quote]
@Stepcount hopefully 🤞🏻 he asked me out last week, so I thought I'd ask him out this time 😀❤️

@Eesha, it’s good to see that you have had some in person time with Mr M. It sounds like there is good communication when needed and he is saying and doing the right things. I would probably put the stress about family stuff as a mindset he’s been in for a while and he’d not got himself out of that mindset before seeing you. He was possibly speaking about it in order ( subconsciously) to convey to you how difficult things are and to reinforce the reasons for not being able to see you. Let’s hope that there are no further difficulties for some time so that you have plenty of good dates and get things fully back on track. 😊

I have a second date tonight. My first date with him was on Thursday. I will name him if it goes well.
Still got a few other chats on the apps and trying to convert them into coffees/dates 0's

@Dancerinthemoonlight

I have a second date tonight. My first date with him was on Thursday. I will name him if it goes well. Still got a few other chats on the apps and trying to convert them into coffees/dates 0's

@Dancerinthemoonlight 👍🏻🍀

@Stepcount I should have made clear in my earlier post to you that Mr History is new to

Sorry, pressed send too soon.

@Stepcount in my earlier post, I should have made clear that he's new to the area so he doesn't know many places yet. ❤️

Dancerinthemoonlight

Good luck !

@ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers, it’s all sounding good. 👍
@Dancerinthemoonlight, that sounds like a positive follow up to your first date. And don’t think I congratulated you on your new job- 2022 is looking good for you 🤗

[quote Stepcount]@ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers, it’s all sounding good. 👍
@Dancerinthemoonlight, that sounds like a positive follow up to your first date. And don’t think I congratulated you on your new job- 2022 is looking good for you 🤗[/quote]
@Stepcount 👍🏻

@Dancerinthemoonlight good luck for tonight, let us know how it goes!

I’m struggling a bit mentally at the moment, it’s a difficult time with impending divorce plus two young kids and money worries. I sometimes have days where I think about swimming off into the sea at night to try and escape from everything.

I’m not sure how much to talk about it with Mr Beard, he’s very supportive but don’t want him to think I’m a bit nuts. My ex said part of the reason he left was my anxiety about things. Maybe my ‘issues’ scare men off. But then again not sure what the point is of a partner if you can’t confide in them and both mutually support each other through hard times.

Why do men on dating apps always have to mention that they like 'great sex?' They probably think it makes them sound funny, but I think it makes them sound like idiotic twats 😳

@ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers

Why do men on dating apps always have to mention that they like 'great sex?' They probably think it makes them sound funny, but I think it makes them sound like idiotic twats 😳

I don’t know, It’s like when women put they “going out and staying in”, those are the only 2 options really, so why state them, it’s like me saying I like breathing, that’s my only option really 🤷🏼‍♂️

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow ha, guess they are trying to cover all bases - appealing to the men who like going out, but also to the men who prefer sofa slobbing time every night. (And in the process probably appealing to neither)

I did once mention that I had a very small penis and was terrible in bed, didn’t get many responses from the one, …

@Stayingstrongish Your ex would have just said anything to hurt you so ignore him.

Your worries/concerns are always valid.
How much headspace are they currently taking up?
Who do you have to talk to apart from Mr Beard?
If you offload to Mr Beard are you wanting him to listen or have solutions?
If you want solutions and Mr Beard doesn't have then how would that make you both feel?

You can always offload on here for either support or solutions or feel free to PM.

Stayingstrongish
Oh I hear you
It’s a delicate balance
As no one wants to burden others , especially with ex related baggage
And we want and need support

I’ve tended to most like most men my age , with similar set up
Who even if they can’t help me will maybe emphasise when I have wobbles

Balkan has almost more challenges than me ! It does mean I can say ‘shit day’ and feel no shame

You ex said he left because you are anxious ? Or partly ?
I don’t know what to say about that
I think to be worried about a pending divorce and single parenthood is very human and normal
Maybe he made you bloody anxious , twat

What I can say if that my psychotherapist put me through a guided deep breathing
I did actually feel relaxed afterwards

Anyway I hear you x 100

Thank you @SortingItOut and @Thisisworsethananticpated 🙏

I’d rather he just listens really than offers solutions. He has said he is here for me and ready to listen and hug anytime. I haven’t told him the full extent of how down I get sometimes.

My ex had a long list of reasons why he left, one of which was that I’m too anxious, and didn’t drive enough (during a pandemic!). I am an anxious person, it’s true, but ironically feel a lot less anxious in general since he left!

@Thisisworsethananticpated thanks for reminding me that it’s normal to worry about this stuff. Glad you have Balkan to share mutual support with through all the challenges of life! Your tip about finding men with a similar age and set up is a good one I think. Mr Beard is a similar age and has similar working hours so that’s nice. Some men I chatted to on OLD were working all sorts of shift patterns and it was clear trying to find time to meet around my own childcare commitments too would be a nightmare!

@Stayingstrongish just to say that I agree with the advice already offered! I think it's important for each of us to develop our coping skills and do what we can to work through our issues independently/with therapy to the extent possible (I say this as a person who hasn't always succeeded in this), but a partner should be there for support too. And your ex sounds like he caused you a lot of anxiety!

I had the second in-person date with MrS yesterday and spent the night at his house. (We didn't DTD or even take off clothes - he actually said to me that he wouldn't want to do this too soon because he wants a real relationship and doesn't want to rush things.)

He's a very kind and decent person and I feel like we understand each other. I had a great time.

I'm now trying to work out whether certain things are potential red flags:

1. He got his PhD about 7 years ago, and apparently ran out of funding and slept on his friends' sofa for literally a year at the end of this time (!)

1. His 20s seem to have been dominated by family issues related to his brother's severe mental illness. He dropped out of uni twice as a result and seems to have had a late start at adulthood

1. He seems to be a simple soul in that he doesn't appear to care that much about his physical surroundings. For example, he drives a really shit car, apparently because it's still functional. Like it has black tape around the side mirror etc. (This is just one example - he now owns a home but clearly doesn't care about the aesthetics of it that much.) He's like an absent minded professor type, I think.

I will be musing on these things and whether they signal a lack of stability or compatibility generally. I don't consider myself materialistic, but I am realising that I do like to surround myself with beautiful things and to create a calm and pleasing aesthetic. I'm also obsessed with stability. It's a tough one...

@gelatodipistacchio
That’s a bit tough, I’m not really one to worry about how things look,if they work, but then I like nice stuff as well….

but I am realising that I do like to surround myself with beautiful things and to create a calm and pleasing aesthetic
I had a couple of dates last year with someone and her place was crammed with “stuff”, and plants and cushions etc and she loved it, but was just too much junk & tat for me ( my Dad used to keep things for the sake of keeping them, so I’m probably the opposite way ) so I think how people live and deal with physical stuff is important

he now owns a home but clearly doesn't care about the aesthetics of it that much
^^ This how Ms H is, she has a smallish house, but too much furniture, some from her mother, some from her divorce ( I think they had a big place), and more “stuff” in storage, and her house is a bit of a tip to be honest.

Overall I think how ppl choose to like & hang on to “stuff” is actually really key part of a relationship

I do t think it’s materialistic to want your space to be nice, and that includes nice things. I think that’s the only one of those that would worry me. Scraping by doing a phd years ago, and some disrupting faa as moly things are all just part of life I think, but different standards on living environment might be a worry

FAA as monkey = family (bloody phone)