Dating Thread 226: Springing into Spring

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@ButterflyOfShay @Daydreamscometrue @HowlongWillThisTakeNow

I'm glad I am not the only one!

I got my card out when the bill came. He didn't protest.

Not sure why I care - maybe because it signals a lack of generosity and the normal courtship ritual is for the man to pay

It’s just about the gesture isn’t it? Showing interest, showing generosity and care. I just think it’s nice!

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow I always say I'll go halves before the actual date if its dinner etc. If they insist on paying, I only say yes if I'm seeing them again. I do agree, I like it when someone offers but it helps that we have cleared the air beforehand.

Was due to see Mr M tomorrow but looks like something might impact it....5 weeks and counting

@Pavesi
I’d also say to the event, 2 birds with one stone and all that

It’s just about the gesture isn’t it? Showing interest, showing generosity and care. I just think it’s nice!

I also think is nice when my dates pay !

@Eesha, 5 weeks, hmm, I think personally I might be rethinking that

pavesi if you would like to do the thing, do the thing. If you only want to do the thing in good company, don't do the thing. He is either self centred or awkward - either way, he's not anywhere near enough interested in getting to know you. My ex was like that. Turned out to be a narcissist.

Howlong I can see how the bill situation can be a complete minefield for the man. I've seen posters here almost rage at the thought of a man treating them, and others who are appalled at the thought of the man not picking up the bill. I'm a raging feminist and will offer to go halves if there's a meal involved - I will expect to be turned down though. Call me a hypocrite. I will happily pay if there's a second meal and take turns from there. Coffees, drinks, nibbles in a pub - happy to pay first and take turns. I think it's the thought of sitting there with someone you barely know and doing the bill maths - it's just not fun and datey. It's not about the money, it's about how the moment makes you feel.

In terms of getting the bill, ideally both sides would offer to pay (showing generosity towards the other) before agreeing to split. The split needn't be equal (whether 'equal' means 50:50 or only paying for what you ordered), but could be one person paying the bill, the other providing a tip. If the man absolutely insists on paying for the lot, not being prepared to come to any sort of compromise is a red flag in my view.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow your name is appropriate to my situation. Unfortunately it's a children thing now, previously he was unwell for several weekends then the children got ill and now other stuff. He's said he won't cancel as I'm guessing he knows this is it now. But I also don't want my one night to be with someone who is stressed.

Re paying: perhaps it's relevant that my ex is the least generous person I have ever met. I want to avoid anything like this again!

@DdraigGoch

In terms of getting the bill, ideally both sides would offer to pay (showing generosity towards the other) before agreeing to split. The split needn't be equal (whether 'equal' means 50:50 or only paying for what you ordered), but could be one person paying the bill, the other providing a tip. If the man absolutely insists on paying for the lot, not being prepared to come to any sort of compromise is a red flag in my view.

I would not enjoy that at all. If someone wants to treat me I'm happy to be treated. Next time I'll treat. Or I'll get the drinks after and leave the tip. But I'm not having a discussion about who had the burger on a date.

@WeWantTheFinestWines I'm not suggesting an in depth discussion. No, a simple "I'll get this", "no allow me", "it's OK we'll split" or "if you want to get this one I'll get the next" is fine.

What I'm objecting to is when the woman attempts to contribute and the man absolutely refuses to let her. He neither respects her financial independence, nor her right to an opinion. Inability to compromise is also a red flag. This is particularly evident when it is phrased "I'm the man, I should pay". Beware too of 'love-bombing'.

Obviously a tightwad who itemises down to the last penny and who doesn't leave a tip (always watch how someone treats service staff) should be avoided at all costs.

More swiping aimlessly through profiles lately. A couple of matches turned into chats which seemed to go well but fizzled out within a day or so.

Getting a sense of déja vu and I'm sure that the apps do repeat some profiles. Most of the profiles don't appear to offer anything in common at all, never mind whether they're superficially attractive.

Received tickets earlier for a twice-postponed concert, now to take place in June. Only when opening the PDF did I remember that I'd ordered two tickets, with no real idea of who I might go with. I doubt that most people have even heard of the genre, let alone the artists involved so it'll be an uphill battle trying to persuade someone (whether I know them already or not) to join me. Something to aim for, anyway.

There's a speed dating event in a week or so, which should be worthwhile. It's an hour away which means that most of those I talk to probably wouldn't even consider someone from where I am, but some people from my area do go. What have I got to lose?

@DdraigGoch now I’m curious - what’s the genre? Personally I’d take a chance on a gig even if not a familiar genre as love live music

Good luck with the speed dating 😊

I think it kind of depends on who’s asking with regards to who pays. I love treating people and spoiling loved ones but for me to know a guy is invested it’s a good sign to me that he pays. For example I went on a date and the iron wanted to go on from the drink for something to eat. His suggestion, I agreed but would have been happy to leave it there. When the bill came he didn’t offer to settle it. It made me less inclined to want to meet up with him again. In established relationships I am generous, paying for lots of different things as I’ve always earned more than any partner I’ve been with. It’s the intention in the beginning though that I watch for. Guess it’s tricky for men knowing what to do. I guess people are either naturally compatible or they're not though!!

Obviously a tightwad who itemises down to the last penny and who doesn't leave a tip (always watch how someone treats service staff) should be avoided at all costs.

Oh so you have meet me then 😂😂
Deep pockets and short arms, that’s the Yorkshire blood coming out !

[quote Eesha]@HowlongWillThisTakeNow your name is appropriate to my situation. Unfortunately it's a children thing now, previously he was unwell for several weekends then the children got ill and now other stuff. He's said he won't cancel as I'm guessing he knows this is it now. But I also don't want my one night to be with someone who is stressed.[/quote]
I’m not seeing Ms H until Easter now for various dull reasons, of work and family stuff etc, so let’s see how we get on

@Eesha, oh my goodness you and Mr M are not exactly having any luck with things. I presume you’re managing to still chat and keep a connection going at the moment? I genuinely don’t know how I would be feeling although when you are presented with genuine reasons it’s difficult I imagine to not be patient.
I guess the same goes for you @HowlongWillThisTakeNow. Not seeing someone for 3 weeks at this early stage could be okay or might feel totally frustrating. It begs the question of how available Miss H is to be able to date and do so on as regular a basis as I’m sure you would be hoping for.
On the other current debate of ‘who pays’ I’m firmly in the camp of not expecting the man to pay although I agree that if the awkward conversation about how much is it/ do you take cards/ here’s your fiver change etc can be avoided then all to the good. I went on a date once with a guy who spent probably 20 mins telling me an anecdote about how one of his friends owed him a pint and his subsequent manoeuvring to make sure he got it. And then a rather unkind story of a friend’s overweight wife stuck in a boat blah blah blah. Top tip that no one on this thread needs - be nice, be kind, be good company.

[quote Stayingstrongish]@DdraigGoch now I’m curious - what’s the genre? Personally I’d take a chance on a gig even if not a familiar genre as love live music

Good luck with the speed dating 😊[/quote]
The event is Two Steps From Hell Live.

Just to Chuck in my Ten Pence worth into the who pays debate, I’m from the generation where men would by tradition, but I suspect this tradition might be ending with my generation as equality is drilled in to younger men now, and the under 30s pay gap in about 0 now so I (personally), suspect that 50/50 will become the norm and the “man pays just because” tradition will finish with my generation
But what do I know 🤷🏼‍♂️

I’m also from the older generation and agree it’s easier as the convention is that the man buys the first drink/pays for the first meal. But in any generation I’m sure it’s just more comfortable for everyone for just one person to pay the bill on a first date rather than splitting it with someone who is a total stranger? So if I was a man I would aim for a non-fancy but nice place, and as we were sitting down I would say ‘I hope you don’t mind but I would really like to get the bill at the end’. This does leave you exposed to a) her being offended and b) her ordering triples and lobster though! I don’t have an answer for that.

Glad I’m not a man. Always.

PS I’m not sure about the disappearing gender pay gap by the way

@Badbaddog

PS I’m not sure about the disappearing gender pay gap by the way

The pay gap only really manifests after having kids, an event which comes after the dating stage (yes, I know that for most posters on this thread this is the second time around) so on average things will be more equal.

@Badbaddog

PS I’m not sure about the disappearing gender pay gap by the way

If you look at ONS data, the gendered pay gap for full time workers under 30 has been around 0 to 2% either way since about 2010., for the age group 22 to 29 women have out earned men for 5 of the last 10 years

But as @DdraigGoch points out, after 40 the pay gap really kicks in again, going upto 12%

Thanks both, and I won’t accuse you of mansplaining - I did ask 😂

All three of my DDs are late 20s and their frankly lovely bfs have plenty of attitudes and behaviours that I identify as very different to those of my generation of men - my generation could learn a lot from the younger generation, if they put their minds to it!

When it comes to paying, I’m surprised and perhaps a little disappointed that “it’s the man’s job to pay” is still a thing in 2022.

I think I’d offer, but also let a date pay if they offered, or happily go 50:50

Anyone disappointed I didn’t overrule their fake objections would be a red flag I think