Dating Thread 226: Springing into Spring

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@icrunchcrispsnotnumbers I have a new exciting job I'm moving to. Sorry if that wasn't clear from my post.

Good luck with the date tonight

[quote Dancerinthemoonlight]@icrunchcrispsnotnumbers I have a new exciting job I'm moving to. Sorry if that wasn't clear from my post.

Good luck with the date tonight[/quote]
@Dancerinthemoonlight that's still fantastic. Looking forward to hearing more about it when you start ❤️

Thank you 😊

[quote gelatodipistacchio]@ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers good luck! Having gone through the same feelings/experience today, I know it's stressful! Maybe try to convince yourself that the nerves are merely excitement???[/quote]
@gelatodipistacchio thank you. 😊 I think you're right. I'm excited to meet him and he does seem lovely ☺️

It's my first date in a long while, so I think that's adding to the nieces as well 😘

How much value do you put on gut instinct?

Things have been going well with MrMind, we're having fun together, have clear boundaries and expectations in place, he offers more of himself every time we see each other and I really appreciate that he seems to be trying to be consistent.

However, something feels massively off. There's a few things, like he mentioned not going to the gym with a female friend anymore- he offered that information as although I knew he was going with her it didn't particularly bother me. Then today, he's been cagey with who he met for lunch. I didn't give much back on text as I was busy but then he phoned, and it almost felt like he was panicking a bit that he'd done the wrong thing (at this point I hadn't had chance to think about it).
Now I'm not sure if I should be concerned, am I overthinking it?
Should I take a step back? Should I mention it?
I'm not an insecure type, I just cant fight the feeling of something feeling off

@30somethingandstillsingle

How much value do you put on gut instinct?

Things have been going well with MrMind, we're having fun together, have clear boundaries and expectations in place, he offers more of himself every time we see each other and I really appreciate that he seems to be trying to be consistent.

However, something feels massively off. There's a few things, like he mentioned not going to the gym with a female friend anymore- he offered that information as although I knew he was going with her it didn't particularly bother me. Then today, he's been cagey with who he met for lunch. I didn't give much back on text as I was busy but then he phoned, and it almost felt like he was panicking a bit that he'd done the wrong thing (at this point I hadn't had chance to think about it).
Now I'm not sure if I should be concerned, am I overthinking it?
Should I take a step back? Should I mention it?
I'm not an insecure type, I just cant fight the feeling of something feeling off

Always always follow your gut Mines has never been off

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers

Have fun ! We’re on a roll today

30somethingandstillsingle

That’s a tough one
Texts are a basically a fucking nightmare
In my opinion

So whilst I do believe to trust ones gut , I’m also careful to not read too much into texts

Problem is you went on some other dates and told
Him
So he might be feeling like he can do same

Why not casually and directly ask him ?

When I say problem is , I’m not blaming you !

@Thisisworsethananticpated

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers

Have fun ! We’re on a roll today

@Thisisworsethananticpated we certainly are 🙂 thank you ❤️

Ugh, I've just been blocked by a guy I've been chatting with because I refused to move our conversation onto WhatsApp. What is wrong with these people??!!!!!!

@30somethingandstillsingle, have you established whether you are exclusively dating each other? @SortingItOut has a brilliant post she shares from time to time on this subject. It can be hard to ask directly but it also needs to be done if you want or expect to be the only one he’s seeing. I’m assuming you think that he’s making extra contact to check that your suspicions are not raised by vagueness over where he has been etc.

And just like that I appear:

Nowadays the questions you need to ask to establish things are IMHO:

1. Are you on the apps? You may need to expand on this as he may think having a profile but not logging in means he is off it. Also is his profile hidden or deleted?

1. Is he multi dating? Not multi dating doesnt mean you are boyfriend/girlfriend, it just means he isnt dating others?

Does he envisage he wants to multidate now or in the future?

1. Are you exclusive? This is different to the boyfriend/girlfriend question. Is he chatting/flirting/sexting/emotionally or physically intimate with anyone else?

Some people think exclusive is sexual exclusivity but I think sexting others is not an exclusive behaviour.

1. What are you? Casually dating? Going with the flow? Boyfriend/girlfriend?

Lots in between all those too.

1. For further down the line....what do you think is cheating? Years ago I never thought I'd have this conversation with someone but after my husband emotionally cheated I felt I should and so Mr K and I had the chat once we'd had the exclusive and boyfriend/girlfriend chat. It was important for me (and him actually) that we had similar views on what constituted cheating and what was acceptable behaviour.

Think about what you want now and in the future and your answers to those questions and then ask him.
If you're intimate already then questions 1 -3 are perfectly fine to ask for now.

Question 4 can come later or if 1 - 3 go well.

@Itsthejourney

Ugh, I've just been blocked by a guy I've been chatting with because I refused to move our conversation onto WhatsApp. What is wrong with these people??!!!!!!

I have had that before Take it as a lucky escape I dont use whatsapp

Itsthejourney

Probably wanted to get smutty or send a dick pick

@Stepcount yes we have. We discussed it and although didn't want to label what we are, we agreed no dating other people and exclusive with each other.

@30somethingandstillsingle well, good to hear that you have had the conversation. So he was vague about who he had lunch with? Could you bring it up if you speak again later ? Like ‘oh, I forgot, who did you say you had lunch with today ?’ Then take it from there.

@30somethingandstillsingle Has he has a previous partner who did not like him being friends with women?
Does he think you might have a problem with it so is omitting to tell you?

I'd ask him outright why he thinks he has to keep this from you/not go to the gym with a female friend?

Right, I'm ready now. Going to leave shortly. Wish me luck, guys! 😊

[quote gelatodipistacchio]@ButterflyOfShay thanks! Weirdly, I had a facial and spa day yesterday, so I am not sure where this has come from! I will pamper myself today before the date

@SortingItOut actually, I probably am at that stage of my cycle. I think that I will power through and go on the date. I'm not working today, so I will probably do some yoga to get my endorphins going (something I haven't done since covid hit, really), and wear something that makes me feel good[/quote]
So glad you went and didn’t cancel! I didn’t feel great this morning but did a workout and it completely sorted me out. Amazing what an hours exercise can do! ⚡️

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow if someone did that for me I’d think it was a lovely gesture and I’m sure she’ll appreciate it and you’ll have a great time!

Congratulations on the new job Dancer!

Enjoy your date Crunch!

@30somethingandstillsingle do you think it’s that he likes you a lot and is scared of doing something wrong? The thing is I think for things to grow you can’t be suspicious and you have to trust them, hard for everyone though who’s been hurt before (all of us!!)

@Itsthejourney

Ugh, I've just been blocked by a guy I've been chatting with because I refused to move our conversation onto WhatsApp. What is wrong with these people??!!!!!!

To be fair, I liked to move from the apps to WA fairly quickly

Thanks for the replies.
@ButterflyOfShay that's the way I'm leaning, that actually he didn't want to get it wrong and so was a bit hesitant to be upfront about it..
At least I hope so anyway.

I don't really want to bring it up with him, not over text anyway so I'll perhaps wait until we see each other.

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Congratulations on the new job Dancer!

Enjoy your date Crunch!

Thank you @WeWantTheFinestWines! 😀