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Relationships

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Original poster

Should he have offered to pay for the holiday?

293 replies

TheSparkling · 13/03/2022 20:55

I really need some thoughts on the situation I find myself in. I was widowed over 3 years ago and I've been in a new relationship for 9 months now. Apart from being married I have little experience of relationships which is why I'm asking for advise and opinions here.
My bf is a really lovely man and we seem to get on very well. We are very similar in lots of ways. Last year we had a weekend away together in a UK city which went well. Today bf suggested we book a week in Greece in Sept. All lovely, looked at some apartments and hotels and had a chat about what we would like etc. All good.
Except I've come home and gone through my budget and I know I can't afford it. I think i knew at the time but I got caught up a little in the excitement because I've not been abroad for 3 years like many people.

The thing is my bf knows money is really short for me. I have 3 dependent teenagers, I work and I'm a single parent. I have no other financial support, there is no pension or anything from my husband. My budget is tight and i struggle to pay for extras although I manage to save a small amount each month to cover this. During our chat about a holiday I expected my bf to offer to pay for the holiday. I don't know if I was unreasonable to do so? I didn't say that to him at the time but as I was driving home I became increasingly upset about it.

I'm not exactly sure why tbh. He said to me we could book it and you can pay me back even if that's after the holiday. But I don't want to be in debt to him (or to anybody).

Please tell me if I'm being unfair to him or should I not be expecting him to offer to pay more towards the holiday? (He is financially better off, no kids, mortgage paid, works full time.)

OP posts:

Pluvia · 13/03/2022 23:57

You sound very reasonable, @TheSparkling, and I think you've had some very unpleasant responses this evening.

Maybe this is the point in the relationship where you have the important conversation about money and expectations. It sounds almost as if your BF hasn't actually taken on board the financial reality of raising three children on your own. There's something about offering someone you're supposed to be fond of a loan to go on a holiday that you've proposed that troubles me. Particularly given all the price rises we're going to be facing this year. That's not a kind or thoughtful thing to do to someone who's already squeezed.

I wish you well, TheSparkling. A difficult situation for you.

Blossomtoes · 14/03/2022 00:00

Is this something that will end the relationship or can it be resolved?

It can be resolved if you both recognise that he has two choices: he can only do things with you that are within your budget if he wants a 50/50 split; or he can pay for you. Those are the only options.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/03/2022 00:01

I think some of your upset is just disappointment that you can't go.
I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to have paid more for the holiday, but I can see why you hoped he would have offered.

Thing is, as happens so often on threads on MN, people who are not in financial hardship situations don't really understand why people who are can't "just save up" or whatever. We see it time and again - especially for things like overseas weddings or family occasions - there is little understanding of what being hard up actually means. And I suspect this is your boyfriend's failing as well.

But if he's also a rigid "pay your own way" sort of person, and not inclined to treat you at all, then it may be a blessing in disguise.

I think you need to have a conversation with him to really lay out your situation - that you can't afford it, that you can't save up for it because it's a frivolous use of money that you might need for essentials, and that you aren't comfortable with borrowing money, when you don't know for certain that you'll be able to pay it back. It won't be a comfortable conversation, but it is a necessary one.

Londondreams1 · 14/03/2022 00:24

But the gender pay gap is real the last time I looked, so in many cases the man earns more, often a lot more depending on the field he’s in (tech, for example , populated by men, pays a lot more than care work, usually women) ... so given this fact, why would a high earning man expect a woman to pay, u less I suppose he chooses to mix in certain circles, which is a small percent of the population, where women do have excellent jobs and ‘careers’

beenwhereyouare · 14/03/2022 00:25

Forgive me if I missed it, but when you tell him you won't be able to go, I think I'd make sure to add something like "Thank you for the for the offer but I won't borrow money from you. It was really considerate of you, though. Maybe next year? "

Lalliella · 14/03/2022 00:27

Sorry OP but I don’t think you should expect him to pay for the holiday, and I don’t think you should be spending money on a holiday with him without your DC. You should be prioritising spending money on your children. They should come first.

ChickenStripper · 14/03/2022 00:29

You see on here posts by women who ask if you would date an unemployed guy or one with no money etc and people do make choices based on these things. I know of a guy who called off his engagement because he did not want to be in a relationship with the woman and her two teenage girls. He realised how it would impact his lifestyle. Sadly these are things that both sexes think about but they are valid.

Fadeout83 · 14/03/2022 00:30

I think some comments on here are really unfair. How dare OP ask a question that is completely well intentioned given she has caveated a number of times that she had been married for most her life and has only ever known 50/50 finances split. She’s asking for advice, not for comments with the undertone of “why on earth would you expect him to pay you silly silly woman?”

OP at 9 months I think you’re right to be thinking about a broader discussion about finances. It’s a mature way to approach things. You are a single parent with no benefits and three children to support. BF needs to understand sooner rather than later than you’re not on equal footing and it will have an impact on what you can and can’t do in the relationship. I’m also sorry for your loss - losing a partner is hard and harder yet being left with all the responsibility. I hope your BF is a lovely man who will understand all this

Pluvia · 14/03/2022 00:30

I don't think it was considerate of him! He's considerably better off than the OP, who's a widowed mother of three children and earns less than him. When is it ever good manners for a well off person to propose something that their friend/ partner can't afford because they want to do it, and then offer a loan? That's selfish and very bad manners.

Fadeout83 · 14/03/2022 00:32

@ChickenStripper

Sorry but I don’t agree with this. She’s allowed to spend some money on her own pleasure and enjoyment. Having children shouldn’t make you a martyr, especially since they’re teens who presumably could get a job if they wanted. Implying she should feel guilty for spending on herself is poor form.

Fadeout83 · 14/03/2022 00:32

@Lalliella

Fadeout83 · 14/03/2022 00:33

Sorry @ChickenStripper I misquoted you and don’t know how to edit 🤣

ChickenStripper · 14/03/2022 00:37

@Fadeout83

Sorry *@ChickenStripper* I misquoted you and don’t know how to edit 🤣

No worries 😁

tolerable · 14/03/2022 00:54

No.
You should-awkward as is- admit-you got caught up in the moment
reality = snowball in hells cahnce can afford it
he STILL isnt obliged to pay

bembridge11 · 14/03/2022 01:12

He shouldn't have to pay for you. No.
It is fair and reasonable to split it. If you cant afford it - he will have to understand and adjust accordingly

Bromse · 14/03/2022 01:17

You cannot expect him to pay for you, TheSparkling, but please be honest with him about it now. Tell them that when you were talking about the holiday you got caught up in the excitement but now you know it is beyond your means. If you're up front, he will be fine.

I hope you are able to get away somewhere that you can afford before too long.

Rickrollme · 14/03/2022 01:30

[quote Sassbott]@bluedodecagon that’s interesting. Why should his income mean it’s a maybe? Why should any adult be expected / or maybe expected to subsidise another adult they’ve been dating for a short period of time? Irrespective of income levels or net worth?[/quote]
I like spending time with my partner and having different experiences together. I also love traveling and if I could easily afford to take my partner with me of course I would want to do that, partially because I like treating the people I love to nice things but also selfishly I would have more fun with my partner than by myself. It’s not like the OP expects her partner to pay for her to go on holiday without him or put himself into debt to pay for her. She’s just hurt that for his own enjoyment he doesn’t want her company badly enough to pay what is to him a modest amount. If I were in her position I wouldn’t feel entitled to have my partner take me on holiday but if it was no big deal for him to pay for it and he chose not to offer I would assume it didn’t mean that much to him to have me join him on the holiday. And yes that would probably affect how I felt about the relationship going forward.

beenwhereyouare · 14/03/2022 01:33

To add to what I said earlier, I'm surprised that he asked you to go-to Greece, when he has a fairly good idea of your finances. He should never have suggested it without planning to pay for it. I understand why you thought he might.

Telling him you won't borrow the funds sends the message that you are responsible with your money and that you aren't after his. But if he insists he really wants to pay, accept graciously.

B0J0ker · 14/03/2022 01:42

@OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo

Going against the grain here, but if I were in a committed relationship with someone who had a lot more disposable income than me, I would expect them to subsidise holidays and meals out. When I was in my final year of uni and earned nothing, my long-term boyfriend was earning £30k a year and he paid for two holidays and several meals out, and I thought that was right and proper.

This...

Also, I don't think 9 months is a 'new' relationship (particularly when both parties are that bit older).

IMO you've been given a bit of a hard time here OP which isn't deserved. Too many people are saying you 'expect' him to pay, in an entitled kind of way, but I didn't read your post in that way. I read it more that you're thinking if he wants to go on this exact holiday, which is out of your budget, and he can afford to pay for you as well it wouldn't hurt if he did.

He suggested the holiday, not you, and he chose the location/facilities so completely influenced the price bracket. And it's soooo easy to get caught up in the moment when looking at holidays! When we reflect and think of all the costs involved, loads of us come back to earth with a bump!

Hopefully you'll be able to agree a compromise that you can afford (if you actually CAN spare anything for a holiday) OR (because he wants the holiday, hence suggesting it) he'll offer to pay. Turn him down if it means you've got to pay it back as why should you be in debt to him to go on a holiday HE suggested? If you've got to get into debt at any time it should be for something YOU or your kids need/want, not to pay for his choice of holiday.

Maybe he'll end up going alone, maybe he'll end up paying for both of you, or maybe he'll go with a mate who can afford it, but you aren't being unreasonable to think someone with a far higher expendable income could pay for both of you to go on a holiday he wants and suggested.

You'd be unreasonable to expect him to pay for you to go on a girl's holiday without him and with a load of mates, but not unreasonable to think he could pay for you to go on holiday with him.

PS - with 3 teens at home please bare in mind the possibility they will have a party while your away!! That could end up costing a lot! Hopefully they're not the parting sort and/or you've got family who can keep an eye on them.

I really hope that you get this all sorted OP.

blisstwins · 14/03/2022 01:50

I don’t think op is grabby or unreasonable at all. It is one thing to expect to be treated to everything and another to hope that someone you are in a romantic relationship with would understand the serious issue that could compromise their relationship. He doesn’t have to pay, but does it really have to be 50/50 if he values her company and companionship? Romantic relationship are not business relationships. I think I would feel exactly as OP and would share her concerns about the future.

Midlifemusings · 14/03/2022 02:59

If it was OP paying for meals and outings and vacations for her boyfriend of 9 months because he couldn't afford any of it, no one would be telling OP to continue paying and that she owes it to him if she is the higher earner. He would be called all kinds of names and OP would be told to LTB.

MyDcAreMarvel · 14/03/2022 03:09

Are you taking your children on holiday abroad this year? If not is all a bit irrelevant as you can’t go abroad without them if not.

Monty27 · 14/03/2022 03:43

Of course you still care about him.
Except you need to put yourself and DC's first.
Get rid OP. He's doing your head no good.

AppleFairy · 14/03/2022 03:45

Agree with other posters about being upfront with him now.

I don’t think you sound grabby at all. I expect you are not so much disappointed he didn’t offer to pay, but more a bit hurt that he hasn’t been more thoughtful about your financial position.

Be upfront with him. You are not after his money and you don’t want to be in debt. If he cares for you he will want to make sure you are not feeling under pressure about this trip (1. he pays or 2. he drops the idea, but is kind and understanding either way).

Monty27 · 14/03/2022 03:49

I've reported my own post. Wrong thread due to jumping screen 😡 @mumsnet
Apologies

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