Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should he have offered to pay for the holiday?

293 replies

TheSparkling · 13/03/2022 20:55

I really need some thoughts on the situation I find myself in. I was widowed over 3 years ago and I've been in a new relationship for 9 months now. Apart from being married I have little experience of relationships which is why I'm asking for advise and opinions here.
My bf is a really lovely man and we seem to get on very well. We are very similar in lots of ways. Last year we had a weekend away together in a UK city which went well. Today bf suggested we book a week in Greece in Sept. All lovely, looked at some apartments and hotels and had a chat about what we would like etc. All good.
Except I've come home and gone through my budget and I know I can't afford it. I think i knew at the time but I got caught up a little in the excitement because I've not been abroad for 3 years like many people.

The thing is my bf knows money is really short for me. I have 3 dependent teenagers, I work and I'm a single parent. I have no other financial support, there is no pension or anything from my husband. My budget is tight and i struggle to pay for extras although I manage to save a small amount each month to cover this. During our chat about a holiday I expected my bf to offer to pay for the holiday. I don't know if I was unreasonable to do so? I didn't say that to him at the time but as I was driving home I became increasingly upset about it.

I'm not exactly sure why tbh. He said to me we could book it and you can pay me back even if that's after the holiday. But I don't want to be in debt to him (or to anybody).

Please tell me if I'm being unfair to him or should I not be expecting him to offer to pay more towards the holiday? (He is financially better off, no kids, mortgage paid, works full time.)

OP posts:
Charley50 · 13/03/2022 22:23

Going against the grain to say, it was his idea, he knows your finances a bit, maybe he should have offered to pay.

StrawberryPot · 13/03/2022 22:23

@Clymene - does the op have a mortgage?

alwaysmovingforwards · 13/03/2022 22:24

@OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo

Going against the grain here, but if I were in a committed relationship with someone who had a lot more disposable income than me, I would expect them to subsidise holidays and meals out. When I was in my final year of uni and earned nothing, my long-term boyfriend was earning £30k a year and he paid for two holidays and several meals out, and I thought that was right and proper.
Lol
FairyCakeWings · 13/03/2022 22:32

Tell him you can’t afford it, his reaction will be telling.

My late DH and current DP have paid both for holidays for both of us because I have children and wouldn’t have been able to afford to go on the holidays they wanted otherwise. I wouldn’t have expected them to pay, but nor would I think it would create a good relationship if one partner could afford a holiday for both but chose to leave the other behind.

Flickflak · 13/03/2022 22:39

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Gilly12345 · 13/03/2022 22:39

No you should pay for yourself, if you can’t afford a foreign holiday then tell him asap.

He should not be expected to pay, just stick with UK holidays until you have saved enough money for a future foreign holiday.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 13/03/2022 22:41

9 months in I think 100% there should be absolutely no expectation at all that he pays any part of your share. Seems pretty old-fashioned to expect it tbh. Not reasonable of him to expect you to put yourself in debt (even to him) for a hol so I think you need to choose a later date for the trip so you have time to save up.

Original poster
TheSparkling · 13/03/2022 22:41

@Clymene - some widows will have had money paid out but many are left with nothing. I pay rent and have had no pension or life insurance pay outs. I work full time to support my children. Not all widows are rich or even comfortable.

OP posts:
Turningpurple · 13/03/2022 22:45

I earn alot more than dp. If he expected me to pay for out holidays, I wouldn't be impressed.

Now we live together I do often pay more, but we also tend to go places I pick as he isn't fussed where we go. We also live together now.

But if before we did, he sat and looked at holidays with me giving me the impression he could afford it, while sat there expecting me to pay, I would feel pretty used and annoyed.

If you can't afford £350 and some spending money, you can't afford it. You shouldn't have sat there getting swept away.

But it's not really about that. It's about adjusting to your life now and a new relationship. I am very sorry for the loss of your husband and that you are having to adjust to a life you didn't expect.

I am recently bereaved (not a spouse) and its difficult to get used to it. It must be so much more difficult than what I am dealing with, but you are getting through. Flowers

BHX3000 · 13/03/2022 22:46

No, I would never have expected him to pay for my holiday, but I have too much pride in that sense anyway. If I’m going on holiday I’m paying for my share regardless of anybody’s income.

Can you go for a shorter time? Or find another location which is cheaper? I would definitely not get myself in to any debt at all - neither to the boyfriend or the bank, that is.

Original poster
TheSparkling · 13/03/2022 22:46

@Flickflak

I think you should have been honest with him at the time. And no I don’t think he should pay for your holiday nor do I think it’s reasonable to be upset with him. I think you need to grow up a bit.
Even I don't think it's reasonable to be upset with him if I think about it logically which is why I'm trying to sort my thoughts and work out why exactly I feel upset.

I think the holiday has highlighted the very stark financial differences between us and I don't know how to deal with this.

OP posts:
Useranon1 · 13/03/2022 22:50

In all fairness it sounds as though he may have been trying to find a holiday in your budget, as £600-£700 is very cheap for a week in Greece. Even the most self aware bf may not have realised that saving £100 a month was out your budget

Pluvia · 13/03/2022 22:51

OP, I think that as you've been going out for long enough for him to understand your situation he should have offered to pay and he should at the very least discussed whether it was something you could afford before looking at villas or hotels.

I just want to check one thing. Do you pay your fair share on dates and weekends? I'm presuming so.

If I was 9 months into a relationship with someone who had very little spending money because of their circumstances and I fancied a holiday with them I'd expect to pay. You're in a relationship. It's supposed to be fun. You're supposed to be kind and generous (within reason) with each other. Spending time together and having fun is an investment for you both.

He could go on his own, but having you there will add to his enjoyment of the holiday. You can't afford it so either you don't go or he pays. The fact that he suggested he loan you the money is a bit of a red flag for me. It makes him sound as if he's tight. It's as if he's not acknowledging the fact that you have responsibilities that he doesn't and that he can't expect you to live the life of a single, child-free woman.

It sounds as if the whole thing has been badly handled and in your situation, I'd just say that now you're home and you've had time to think, you realise you can't afford it.

Does everyone here who says so firmly that everything must be split 50:50 never accept a treat from a wealthier friend or relative or bf/gf? Does no one here know the pleasure of having a bit of extra cash and being able to offer the occasional splurge on a friend or partner?

And I think 9 months is plenty far enough into a relationship to start splashing out on someone you feel serious about. It's not as if it's just weeks. Many people will be talking about moving in together or future plans together after 9 months.

Howshouldibehave · 13/03/2022 22:51

Today bf suggested we book a week in Greece in Sept. All lovely, looked at some apartments and hotels and had a chat about what we would like etc. All good

Well it’s not good, is it? You wouldn’t have considered or booked a holiday to Greece otherwise, would you? As you say you can’t afford it. So, at the point he suggested it, I would have told him it sounds lovely but there’s no way I could afford a foreign holiday at the moment as a single mum of 3.

It sounds like you didn’t say any of this and just hoped he would pay?

Chilledchablis1 · 13/03/2022 22:54

OP as you have dependent DC, do you receive Widow’s Allowance ( or whatever it is called ?)

HollowTalk · 13/03/2022 22:54

There's no real reason why you should be comparing yourself with him financially anyway and getting upset about it. Do you think you're upset really because it shows that you're not a partnership in the way you were with your husband? For what it's worth I can see why he would want a holiday with you but he should have a bit more sensitivity than to assume that you could pay for a holiday for yourself while the children wouldn't have a holiday, when you're living on a sole income.

Londondreams1 · 13/03/2022 22:55

I would. Not a gender thing. I know plenty of women on the lower socio-economic spectrum who would, and have, paid for things like holidays for their boyfriend.

Pluvia · 13/03/2022 22:58

I think the holiday has highlighted the very stark financial differences between us and I don't know how to deal with this.

Yes, this is the issue, isn't it? It's as if he's oblivious to the difference in spending power between you and you'd hope, after 9 months, that he'd be more sensitive.

If I was in a relationship with someone I really liked being with and valued, and I was considerably better off than them, I would understand that 50:50 isn't fair or possible. You can't ask someone on £18k to go halves with someone on £50k. It's not equitable. The fact that he doesn't see this is a worrying.

Creameggs223 · 13/03/2022 23:00

So you expect him to pay for you and 3 teens after 9 months?

StrawberryPot · 13/03/2022 23:04

So you expect him to pay for you and 3 teens after 9 months?

I wish people would read things properly. The op's sons would stay with their uncle.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 13/03/2022 23:04

Has he maybe assumed you have had a life insurance payment?
You were married with dependents aid life insurance is one of the necessities. I assume everyone with children has it. If I meet someone has lost their spouse, I would assume they had the money from that or had paid of their house so weren't struggling as much.

Maybe you need an honest chat about your situation.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 13/03/2022 23:05

He was a bit of an arse to suggest it if he actually knows you couldn't possibly afford it.

And you should have been clear straight away you couldn't afford it.

And that's the source of your discomfort. It's quite ... intrusive into your life, to have to make statements about your money. I wouldn't like that.

mrsbyers · 13/03/2022 23:06

I wouldn’t even offer to pay for my husbands holiday let alone someone I’d only been dating for a while - you sound grabby

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 13/03/2022 23:07

@Pluvia

Someone on 50K would be looking at holidays which cost more than £600.

I think his idea to make it equal was to look at holidays within a low income budget so that 50/50 is manageable for the lower earner. He isnt suggesting a £3000 or £4000 holiday and expecting her to split it.

Ibizafun · 13/03/2022 23:09

Sounds like you can't afford a holiday- your fault for "getting excited" when you knew you couldn't afford it.