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Original poster

Should he have offered to pay for the holiday?

293 replies

TheSparkling · 13/03/2022 20:55

I really need some thoughts on the situation I find myself in. I was widowed over 3 years ago and I've been in a new relationship for 9 months now. Apart from being married I have little experience of relationships which is why I'm asking for advise and opinions here.
My bf is a really lovely man and we seem to get on very well. We are very similar in lots of ways. Last year we had a weekend away together in a UK city which went well. Today bf suggested we book a week in Greece in Sept. All lovely, looked at some apartments and hotels and had a chat about what we would like etc. All good.
Except I've come home and gone through my budget and I know I can't afford it. I think i knew at the time but I got caught up a little in the excitement because I've not been abroad for 3 years like many people.

The thing is my bf knows money is really short for me. I have 3 dependent teenagers, I work and I'm a single parent. I have no other financial support, there is no pension or anything from my husband. My budget is tight and i struggle to pay for extras although I manage to save a small amount each month to cover this. During our chat about a holiday I expected my bf to offer to pay for the holiday. I don't know if I was unreasonable to do so? I didn't say that to him at the time but as I was driving home I became increasingly upset about it.

I'm not exactly sure why tbh. He said to me we could book it and you can pay me back even if that's after the holiday. But I don't want to be in debt to him (or to anybody).

Please tell me if I'm being unfair to him or should I not be expecting him to offer to pay more towards the holiday? (He is financially better off, no kids, mortgage paid, works full time.)

OP posts:
Londondreams1 · 13/03/2022 23:11

I don’t get why he wouldn’t want to treat you , unless money is an issue for him (debts etc) , in which case it would then be understandable that he didn’t pay

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 13/03/2022 23:11

I cant even believe you have asked this question. Was you married and didn't work before so this is where you are thinking this is normal? Current times are we ladies look after ourselves we don't go on a date if we cant afford to pay half ( if it is offered that is lovely but not an expectation). I am a parent of teen mid 40s and don't derstand why you think he should offer

Midlifemusings · 13/03/2022 23:12

This is when when dating threads come up, that having sufficient finances to date and enjoy life becomes important. I think it is hard to date in mid life if you live pay check to pay check and can't afford a budget holiday or any additional expense. Many people in mid life want to enjoy that life and go out to eat or go on vacation and you need a partner who can afford the same. I am absolutely against one partner paying everything and in OPs case, he is already paying 75% of dates. I think a certain degree of financial equality in dating is important or else you end up with one person subsidizing the other and you get resentment or one person mooching / gold digger / not carrying their own weight or the other person not being able to do any activities if they live at the level of the person with no savings or disposable income.

Original poster
TheSparkling · 13/03/2022 23:13

@Creameggs223 - no the holiday was just for me and him. The dc would be at school and my brother would take care of them for me.

OP posts:
OnTheBoardwalk · 13/03/2022 23:19

If previous holidays have been paid 50/50 why would you expect this to be different?

It’s not an extravagant holiday. tell him you can’t afford it and g3 might offer to pay for the hotel

If/when you go on holiday with him with your 3 children what do you expect the split to be? 9 months together really isn’t a long time

Original poster
TheSparkling · 13/03/2022 23:21

A few posters have mentioned that I should have said no from the minute the holiday was mentioned and that I knew I couldn't have afforded it let myself get carried away. I just want to explain if I can. At the time I knew I could afford to set aside a little bit of money to do something and the £600 holiday didn't seem to far outside that. So I did think if I cut this and sell a few things I could just about make this amount which is why i went along with the discussion. However since coming home and going through my budget I know I definitely can not afford to holiday with my bf this year.

To answer other questions. Yes I was married, work very part time and we only ever had shared family money in our marriage. So this is all I know which is one reason I'm asking for opinions on here.

OP posts:
Thewindwhispers · 13/03/2022 23:22

At 9 months in it would be very surprising if he offered to pay for the holiday.

MarineBlue33 · 13/03/2022 23:22

Personally I feel if you both in love and committed and he knows your financial situation, then to me it would be normal that he should want to pay for you. I think it shows here, the reality, that he doesn't want to pay. However I would be curious to know he reaction when you tell him you can't afford the holiday

Pluvia · 13/03/2022 23:23

[quote BeforeGodAndAllTheFish]@Pluvia

Someone on 50K would be looking at holidays which cost more than £600.

I think his idea to make it equal was to look at holidays within a low income budget so that 50/50 is manageable for the lower earner. He isnt suggesting a £3000 or £4000 holiday and expecting her to split it.[/quote]
But if he does have so much more money available to spend than she does, and if he likes her and wants to go on holiday with her, why doesn't he pay for her cheap holiday and still save himself a couple of grand on the holiday £4k holiday he might have gone on alone? I don't understand it.

I've had periods on my life when I was well-off and my partner wasn't, and I didn't have a problem suggesting I paid so that we could both have a holiday. As I said, I think after 9 months I'd expect more sensitivity and generosity.

Blossomtoes · 13/03/2022 23:25

That is a very cheap holiday

I’d have thought it was pretty average for an off season week in Greece. If I suggested a holiday it would be with the expectation I’d pay for it so I entirely see where you’re coming from @TheSparkling. The thing is if you’re in a relationship with someone in a very different financial situation you either have to adjust to what they can afford or pay for them. I’d choose the latter.

Original poster
TheSparkling · 13/03/2022 23:27

@ontheboardwalk - I have booked a UK holiday for myself and dc (daughter won't fly due to anxiety). My bf is coming to join us for 2 days. I haven't asked him to contribute anything at all because he is guest. Likewise I wouldn't expect him to if he was staying for all of it because most of the cost would be myself and my dc. And I wouldn't invite him if I couldn't afford it.

OP posts:
APineForestInWinter · 13/03/2022 23:27

If you've any money to spend on a holiday, it's probably better if you go away with your children. The past couple of years must have been very difficult and you could probably all benefit from doing some new things together.

Summerfun54321 · 13/03/2022 23:28

If you’re comfortable enough to expect him to shell out £700 for a holiday, then you should be comfortable enough to have an honest open discussion about how your lack of disposable income is making you upset. This is your problem not his sorry.

Original poster
TheSparkling · 13/03/2022 23:32

@midlifemusings - thank for a very measured and logical post. I am thinking that the disparity between myself and my bf on this one issue is going to cause problems. I need to talk to him about it really, not just the holiday but the bigger picture. As you rightly point out in your post those things are going to cause issues down the line.

OP posts:
EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 13/03/2022 23:32

It was a lovely notion to have a holiday together.

I shouldn't think he'd be that surprised if you were to say that you were carried away by the idea of it but, on reflection, with the substantial increases in the cost of living alongside your other responsibilities, it's not a practical plan.

Clymene · 13/03/2022 23:37

@Blossomtoes

That is a very cheap holiday

I’d have thought it was pretty average for an off season week in Greece. If I suggested a holiday it would be with the expectation I’d pay for it so I entirely see where you’re coming from @TheSparkling. The thing is if you’re in a relationship with someone in a very different financial situation you either have to adjust to what they can afford or pay for them. I’d choose the latter.

Really? Then again I've been stuck with school holiday rates for years so I guess it's much chest er than I realised!

Sorry I shouldn't have assumed that you had a mortgage.

Original poster
TheSparkling · 13/03/2022 23:40

I am definitely going to explain that I can't afford to holiday with him. I guess what I also need to think about is whether this is a one off thing or is it that the financial difference is also something we need to talk about in more depth? . Because I feel it is going to rear its head on more than one occasion. I just can't see how the relationship is going to work if he wants things 50:50 on his level. I can't match that and won't ever be able to over the next few years. I know some posters think I sound grabby or expectant of him funding me. But I'm trying to explain that I'm not. But actually what I can afford is not in the same realm as him. Is this something that will end the relationship or can it be resolved?

OP posts:
Midlifemusings · 13/03/2022 23:42

@TheSparkling

It is an unfortunate reality of circumstance. I do think it ends up causing resentment or guilt and other issues unless you can really talk it out and both be on the same page and feel good about it. For example if your tight wallet is temporary but you anticipate having more income in a couple of years then paying him back now for a vacation would be fine but if you anticipate being in the same financial circumstances for the long haul, then I agree with you that going into debt for a holiday doesn't make sense. It isn't about any one meal but about the bigger picture.

OnTheBoardwalk · 13/03/2022 23:42

[quote TheSparkling]@ontheboardwalk - I have booked a UK holiday for myself and dc (daughter won't fly due to anxiety). My bf is coming to join us for 2 days. I haven't asked him to contribute anything at all because he is guest. Likewise I wouldn't expect him to if he was staying for all of it because most of the cost would be myself and my dc. And I wouldn't invite him if I couldn't afford it.[/quote]
Fair enough. Do speak to him though about what you can and can’t afford. He might just not see it

At 9 months though I would be quite wary and broach the subject slowly with him potentially taking on 3 children takes some getting used to

KnowingMeKnowingYouAhaaaa · 13/03/2022 23:46

Why would he be paying for you? He's your bf of 9 months. He's been kind enough to say he'll pay and you pay your half back over time, I think that's generous given you are only 9 months into a new relationship. Who knows you could go away, really annoy each other and break up, you'd probably not pay him back if that happened.

I'd not be impressed if I was him at your expectation to be a kept woman just because he has no kids and is financially sound.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 13/03/2022 23:47

This reply has been deleted

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Summerfun54321 · 13/03/2022 23:49

He might be happy to pay for things going forward if you voice concerns in a sensitive way. My DH earned a lot more than me and we split things 50:50 but it was a big relief when he started insisting that he pay more as he earned more. As long as you don’t ask or expect the other person to pay, financial inequality in a relationship can work.

steff13 · 13/03/2022 23:51

@Clymene

And I might be naive but I would have expected most widows to have had their mortgages paid off through life insurance
Me too. Here you would also be able to claim Social Security survivors benefits for each of the kids until they turn 18.
Clymene · 13/03/2022 23:54

@TheSparkling

I am definitely going to explain that I can't afford to holiday with him. I guess what I also need to think about is whether this is a one off thing or is it that the financial difference is also something we need to talk about in more depth? . Because I feel it is going to rear its head on more than one occasion. I just can't see how the relationship is going to work if he wants things 50:50 on his level. I can't match that and won't ever be able to over the next few years. I know some posters think I sound grabby or expectant of him funding me. But I'm trying to explain that I'm not. But actually what I can afford is not in the same realm as him. Is this something that will end the relationship or can it be resolved?
Well it shouldn't do unless you expect him to pay for things. I don't really understand why you think it would? Is he forever asking you to go to fancy restaurants out of budget?
MissSmiley · 13/03/2022 23:55

[quote TheSparkling]@Clymene - some widows will have had money paid out but many are left with nothing. I pay rent and have had no pension or life insurance pay outs. I work full time to support my children. Not all widows are rich or even comfortable.[/quote]
Have you told him this? Have you discussed finances at all, i know it's fairly early days