Should he have offered to pay for the holiday?

[TheSparkling]

I really need some thoughts on the situation I find myself in. I was widowed over 3 years ago and I've been in a new relationship for 9 months now. Apart from being married I have little experience of relationships which is why I'm asking for advise and opinions here.
My bf is a really lovely man and we seem to get on very well. We are very similar in lots of ways. Last year we had a weekend away together in a UK city which went well. Today bf suggested we book a week in Greece in Sept. All lovely, looked at some apartments and hotels and had a chat about what we would like etc. All good.
Except I've come home and gone through my budget and I know I can't afford it. I think i knew at the time but I got caught up a little in the excitement because I've not been abroad for 3 years like many people.

The thing is my bf knows money is really short for me. I have 3 dependent teenagers, I work and I'm a single parent. I have no other financial support, there is no pension or anything from my husband. My budget is tight and i struggle to pay for extras although I manage to save a small amount each month to cover this. During our chat about a holiday I expected my bf to offer to pay for the holiday. I don't know if I was unreasonable to do so? I didn't say that to him at the time but as I was driving home I became increasingly upset about it.

I'm not exactly sure why tbh. He said to me we could book it and you can pay me back even if that's after the holiday. But I don't want to be in debt to him (or to anybody).

Please tell me if I'm being unfair to him or should I not be expecting him to offer to pay more towards the holiday? (He is financially better off, no kids, mortgage paid, works full time.)

During our chat about a holiday I expected my bf to offer to pay for the holiday

I think you are being very grabby and unreasonable. You should be paying 50/50. If you can't afford it, don't book it.

I don't think he should have to offer, no. He's offered to cover it and you pay him back at a later date. I think that's perfectly fair and reasonable for a relationship of this length.

I'll go against the general opinion. I think i would also be a bit disappointed. My now dh took me for weekend breaks etc in our first year when I earned considerably less than him. I'd obviously pay for other things in between. Then as I started to earn more I started to treat him to breaks away etc. It didn't feel like I was taking advantage or being grabby. We both wanted to do those things together and it was obvious I couldn't have afforded to do them. Obviously if he couldn't have afforded it either we just wouldn't have gone. I don't think it's a deal breaker though. People have very different approaches to this stuff and it's just how he sees things.

@PrinceParry

I'll go against the general opinion. I think i would also be a bit disappointed. My now dh took me for weekend breaks etc in our first year when I earned considerably less than him. I'd obviously pay for other things in between. Then as I started to earn more I started to treat him to breaks away etc. It didn't feel like I was taking advantage or being grabby. We both wanted to do those things together and it was obvious I couldn't have afforded to do them. Obviously if he couldn't have afforded it either we just wouldn't have gone. I don't think it's a deal breaker though. People have very different approaches to this stuff and it's just how he sees things.

I don't think the OP is going to be in the position where she's going to be earning more and treating him in the future though. Or not for many years at least.

It's difficult when there is such disparity in disposable income.

@Chilledchablis1

OP as you have dependent DC, do you receive Widow’s Allowance ( or whatever it is called ?)

Widows allowance until your youngest child reached 18 stopped some time ago for new claims, now you get a lump,sum on death of £3500 and 18 monthly payments of £350 regardless of how,old your children are

TheSparkling you're supporting four people on one income - he's just supporting one. You'd have to be a significantly higher earner than him to be able to provide for a family of four by yourself and pay your 50% for couples holidays and couples dates and generally match his single no dependants lifestyle!

If that hasn't occurred to him he hasn't really engaged brain and thought about it, unless he believes that you have a significant cushion of unearned income from somewhere.

You'll be able to match a single earner without dependants only when your children are independent.

Its not because you don't earn enough but because you're supporting four people!

Tell him honestly that you were excited about holidaying with him and got carried away but going through your budget carefully has brought you back to earth with a bump, and made you realise that paying for couples holidays isn't going to be possible for you until at least some of your children are financially independent.

I think there needs to be an open convo about finances. He pays for 75% of dates and so he must know (to some extent) that he needs to step up more financially, as he has been doing for 9 months. Otherwise it would be 50/50.

I think what’s happened here is that he actually has no clue just how tight things are for you, and are likely to remain tight for the forseeable future given you are supporting children. So an honest convo is required. I would simply tell him that you’ve done the sums, you thought you could afford it but you can’t. And ask how this will work for for the two of you given you won’t be able to afford to do the things he would like to do.

Then have a discussion. There is no other way to bottom this out. No one is right or wrong when it comes to money. Some people would be generous and step up and pay, others wouldn’t. Some people wouldn’t accept a free holiday, others would. As I said there is no right or wrong.

As to the comments of does he appreciate your stresses? I think he does. Hence the split weighted more towards his picking up the cheque on dates. The flip is that money is also tricky because no one wants to feel that someone is in a relationship with them because they have some money. That’s a pretty horrible feeling too.

If you talk to him, this may be a non issue. But equally it may. I think as we get older, having open and candid conversations about finances/ retirement/ lifestyle / expectations are super important. There may be room for compromise here but you won’t know until you ask. Could you for example afford £300 and him pay £600? Keeping in with the 75/25 split? That way you’re showing that you are prepared to pay your way but in a more proportional manner that reflects your different incomes?

I was in a similar position to you my now dh paid 75/80% of a holiday 6 months into our relationship. I just said I can't justify spending on a holiday with two one dc in uni and one about to start. I think just say that holiday is totally out of my budget I got carried away with the idea. His reaction will tell you all you need to know about him. If he's annoyed it puts pressure on you to pay then he's not a nice man and I'd get rid.

No of course he shouldn't pay.

I wouldn't expect a partner of 9 months to pay for my holiday. You could take him up on his offer to pay and then you pay him back, or cut your cloth and go somewhere cheaper.

OP - it may be interesting to find out what other people think but ultimately it’s all down to what’s ok for you and what agrees with your expectations about the qualities of your partner. Financial independence is important for me but I want my partner to be kind and generous. I never expect my bf of 5 months to pay for my house, my bills, my dc (we live separately). But he is substantially better off and he knows it, so when we go out or go on holiday he pays for the majority of the expenses because otherwise he’d go alone. I offer to pay for some meals and cover smaller costs. He is grateful that I want to contribute but he doesn’t expect me to do so. He knows I work hard and I’ve got a child to support. If anything, he insists that I should not spend my hard earned money on things he can easily afford.
We had a chat about finances early on, as soon as I’ve realised that I won’t be able to match his lifestyle. I’d find it a big turn off if he was inconsiderate of my financial situation and expected to pay half; I’d actually end the relationship.

I had something similar, there is a huge difference in earnings. My now fiancé is a high earner & I earn about a quarter of his salary and at the time had 2 dependent teens. He suggested holidays/breaks etc and I could afford some but not all. I got really upset feeling that I couldn’t be his partner due to not being able to afford the same things.

We talked it through and compromised and he paid for some things (the more expensive) and I kept independence by paying for the nice but much cheaper things. I never suggested the more expensive things though!

Five years in and we get married this year, kids more independent and although financially he will always earn way way more than me it’s not an issue. We are a team.

Sorry that should have been him pay £900?

I do think some people on MN can be really obtuse. OP your feelings are perfectly reasonable!

I had a bf who earned significantly less than me, he worked hard though. If we wanted to go away I paid, because I knew I had to. Eventually I did resent it a little because it became the norm and I felt unappreciated. Our relationship started to feel transactional which is not nice. I also felt I was scrutinising what he spent on him, as I was always left to cover the gaps on things we did/wanted together, not that he was a big spender but I knew it meant I had to cover more. Note bf, not DH. I do think marriage is a different story but for many reasons we never got that far and tbh earning potential was part of the reason.

I think it's a really good opportunity to have a conversation about finances and expectations going forward. So long as you go into it positively "I can afford this level" rather than what you can't cover if he's decent he can't really be mad. He might be disappointed though, but hopefully not at you rather the situation.

I feel like you’ve had some quite unpleasant responses OP.

I don’t think the difference in financial situations is a deal breaker for the relationship. Surely he had a rough idea that he’d have more disposable income thank you when you first started dating.

When myself and my boyfriend first started seeing each other I knew I was in a much higher paying job than him, plus he had just bought a house so didn’t have much spare cash. I knew exactly what I was signing up to, it was him I liked and I didn’t care about his financial situation.

I knew this meant that if I wanted to go away somewhere or have a day out etc this would mean me either paying a bit extra, paying it all or just not going because he can’t afford it.

He’s now earning similar to me and we are moving in together soon. The difference in financial situations is only an issue if you let it be and might not be that way forever

@Sassbott
‘ She’s just hurt that for his own enjoyment he doesn’t want her company badly enough to pay what is to him a modest amount’

Exactly right. That’s how I’d see it. Usually the man earns more, like in this case, but it would be exactly the same the other way round. Women don’t just earn less but are more likely to have dependents so I’d go so far as to say it’s weird for a man in this position not to just pay it, and if he’s that bothered say ‘ you can treat me when you’re in a better position’ (and then not religiously hold her to that. If it’s love, she can more than make up for it by buying him an item of clothing that looks perfect on him, and that he’d love, that sort of thing

i personally think honesty is the best policy. Just tell him it is a wonderful idea and you got carried away in the heat of the moment but have since done your budget and can't afford any sort of foreign holiday this year. Just say that you love spending time with him but for the next few years you are not going to be in a position to afford these sort of things and if that is a deal breaker for him it would be a pity but you don't want to accumulate debt. Hopefully he will understand and accept it but please tell him before he books the holiday and therefore loses money on it.

Hi OP: this is an interesting one as normally I would say 9 months in it should be 50/50, but obviously keeping 3 teens in 1 wage is no mean feat

I have been away a few times with a friend who has a much tighter budget: she insists on 50/50 but I’d be happy to pay if it meant we could go more often. Respect that she doesn’t want to /I also don’t want to alter the dynamics of this friendship so it’s a blessing in disguise..,

I think as PPs have said, just be honest with your BF and say you’d need to save/maybe next year. He might propose a different split, but it would make him understand your situation

I would hope by 40s ish which it sounds you are people realise it’s not easy to meet someone/nothing’s perfect and that you come to a resolution

@Londondreams1, firstly I didn’t say that so not sure why you’re quoting me?

Secondly I have outearned most my partners (one of whom had children from a previous relationship just as I do). He too thought it ‘weird’ that I wouldn’t support him financially. I thought it weird that as a grown ass adult he thought it was remotely acceptable to expect another adult to do that.

It’s a completely different ball game when joint children/ marriage is involved. But in the above scenario? Not a chance I’m paying for a bloke 9 months in. And the more he expected it? The more my purse (and legs) would seal shut.

Tight with money, tight with love. And he offered you could pay him back! Get rid. He is obviously doesnt really care about you.

@MrsBerthaRochester

Tight with money, tight with love. And he offered you could pay him back! Get rid. He is obviously doesnt really care about you.

^ I think this is rubbish. I also know 2 men who paid for everything while dating … their wives now far out earn them and pay the lions share

Good lord. The double standards on here. When men expect a free ride they’re called cocklodgers and women are told (in their droves) to LTB.

I have money. The priority for that money is to provide for me in retirement. No one else. Me. Can I still love and care for someone? Absolutely. But not to my financial detriment. Time and again, women on here are told to protect their financial independence and put themselves first (far more often than they do). But if there’s the slight offchance that a man does the same? He’s tight with love.

OP talk to him, he’s clearly generous enough that costs to date are not 50/50. So see what he says and take it from there.

Gosh op. Nine months in and you think he should be paying for holidays abroad for you and expect him to know your financial situation better than you.

You need to take personal responsibility you’re not entitled to free holidays and knowing your financial situation is your responsibility not his.

I’m going to go against the majority here.

From what I can tell op was willing to pay her half towards the holiday but when checking budget it’s not going to be possible.

9 months is a decent amount of time dating and to know if the relationship is going somewhere. And I understand ops upset that he didn’t offer to pay under the circumstances.

When dp and I were first together we had a similar setup. Me with dependant dc, working full time, renting, but with little left in the pot after bills etc. dp had no dc, early more than me and had a fair amount of disposable income left after bills.

We discussed a holiday and I was able to pay my half, so we booked a week off work when the dc would be with their dad and looked at options. Discussed places we’d always wanted to visit. Dp then booked and paid for a holiday to somewhere I’d always wanted to visit and surprised me with it. He paid for it all. His reason was because he really wanted to take me to this place, he knew things were a lot tighter financially for me and he had chosen to go into a relationship with me knowing I had dependant dc and a lot more outgoings than him subsequently, and I earned less. So he wanted to take the burden of me paying my half of the holiday off me so I could use it to pay for more needed things for me and dc.
This was 5 months into our relationship.

So I don’t agree that op is just thinking he should pay, but given she can’t afford it I would have expected him to step up a bit, realising this, and offer.

Op, I wouldn’t take his offer though of loaning you the money to pay for it. That just feels a bit like you’d owe him.

Just explain you really can’t afford it this year, but perhaps plan for next year when you can have time to save up for it.

He has entered into a relationship with someone less financially secure as him and he needs to realise and not expect you to be able to match his spend with everything.

If he really wants this holiday with you, then yes I think he should offer to pay, or at least offer to cover most of it.

No I woukdnt expect him to pay it would be half and half, not after 9 months anyway