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Original poster

Felt humiliated straight after sex

324 replies

supersonicspider · 13/03/2022 07:35

DH and I have been having problems and are doing marriage counselling. Sex has been off the cards for a while because I've not wanted to be intimate if we've been bickering, low libido due to recently starting antidepressants and intercourse can become painful after around 45 minutes due to scarring.
I agreed to try to be more intimate so last Saturday morning, a kiss and a cuddle in bed led to sex. Kids downstairs watching tv which puts me slightly on edge.
DH knows I don't want sex to go on for too long because of pain and risk of kids disturbing us. DH loves long, slow sex so we're slightly incompatible these days with that regard. Before second child came along, sex was still amazing.
Anyway... about half an hour into it, we switch to doggy style. He wants me to talk dirty which we sometimes do when we've had a glass of wine and it's at night. This however was morning, bright sunshine coming through skylights with me saying "fuck me, I want you to fuck me" I'm trying to do what he likes but did feel a bit silly and self conscious.
After another 10 minutes or so, I stop and lay down... it's become painful and he has spat on his cock a few times which I find gross. He said he'd buy some lube which he never did.
We've been together 20 years by the way and in early 40s. Sex was always amazing before things started to feel rocky within our marriage, hence the counselling.
DH gets straight out of bed saying that he couldn't climax because I didn't look like I was enjoying it, I was being too quiet and then he imitated me by pulling a grimacing sex face, saying that's what I looked like. I felt really embarrassed and said I'm sorry but I just became too painful and I thought he was going to get some lube. I also said that I thought he understood that I can't have sex for ages these days but apparently he was expecting a sex marathon that morning. He made me feel embarrassed and humiliated as he left me in bed to go into the en-suite bathroom to shower (and presumably to finish himself off). I felt upset because I'd tried and my vagina was hurting. I'd had my not so skinny arse in the air at him in broad daylight just moments before and he did a horrible impression of me? This was last weekend and now the thought of having sex with him again is not good.
I don't know how we're going to get back on track. Sex is a vital for him but not for me.

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 13/03/2022 09:06

I’m also surprised by the posters who think spitting is so terrible - it’s no replacement for lube but it’s no different than you giving him oral sex or him doing it to you.

If you want to try having sex with him again then refuse to do so until he is pleasuring you with the live first do so you know he’s definitely got it.

FrancescaContini · 13/03/2022 09:08

@WonderfulYou

I’m also surprised by the posters who think spitting is so terrible - it’s no replacement for lube but it’s no different than you giving him oral sex or him doing it to you.

If you want to try having sex with him again then refuse to do so until he is pleasuring you with the live first do so you know he’s definitely got it.

Totally disagree. Him spitting on his cock is a million miles away from the OP (enjoying) giving him oral sex.
Clymene · 13/03/2022 09:09

Is there a woman alive who finds being banged away at for 45 minutes enjoyable? He sounds like a porn addict treating you like a fuck doll.

I'm not surprised your marriage is on its knees

spacehardware · 13/03/2022 09:09

"I don’t think he’s done anything majorly wrong in this situation."

You what, mate?

Quartz2208 · 13/03/2022 09:09

@WonderfulYou

I’m also surprised by the posters who think spitting is so terrible - it’s no replacement for lube but it’s no different than you giving him oral sex or him doing it to you.

If you want to try having sex with him again then refuse to do so until he is pleasuring you with the live first do so you know he’s definitely got it.

I think that is because it is indicative of what his thinks about and how he treats the OP rather than the spitting itself.

She doesnt like it and asked him to buy and use lube - he said yes and then never did and then did this instead

oakleaffy · 13/03/2022 09:10

@WonderfulYou

I’m also surprised by the posters who think spitting is so terrible - it’s no replacement for lube but it’s no different than you giving him oral sex or him doing it to you.

If you want to try having sex with him again then refuse to do so until he is pleasuring you with the live first do so you know he’s definitely got it.

There IS a fundamental difference. Respect. Spitting on a penis instead of buying lube repeatedly is disrespectful, especially as OP has scarring.
Baaaa · 13/03/2022 09:12

That sounds horrendous and like he sees you as a peice of meat. Spitting is gross.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 13/03/2022 09:14

Spit isn’t very slippery. Compared to lube.

StooOrangeyForCrows · 13/03/2022 09:14

@Karwomannghia

Yes he was frustrated and his ego and penis are more important to him than anything else.
This. He doesn't give the tiniest shit about you.
StooOrangeyForCrows · 13/03/2022 09:16

I would say to him that I would never have sex with him again and as a result, the marriage is effectively dead.

This is his fault entirely. He is treating you like a commodity. I would never be able to come back from that ever.

AngelinaFibres · 13/03/2022 09:18

45 minutes of sex. God how boring. 45 minutes of sex ,doggy style, talking dirty, making lots of noise when your children are downstairs totally gross. Mine would have had at least one fight or someone would have started shouting "mum.....muuuuuuuuuuuuuum can I have scrambled eggs,... muuum,muuum". Saturday morning you've got 5 minutes for a quickie. I just wouldn't be able to get in the zone as it were . Your husband sounds horrid by the way.

BigOlDingleSlinger69 · 13/03/2022 09:19

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MrsHumphrieswife · 13/03/2022 09:19

@Burnamer

Oh OP, he didn’t care you were in pain. That’s really all you need to know. I’m really feel for you because it sounds like you’re trying hard to please him but he’s not doing the same for you.
This.
PermanentTemporary · 13/03/2022 09:20

Spitting is a huge porn thing in recent years. It's not a functional wetness thing, although obviously that's originally where it comes from. I had men specifically ask to spit on me. Those were short conversations. Don't accept it.

Imjkrowling · 13/03/2022 09:23

Please don’t tell me you had him pumping inside you for half an hour. God no wonder you’re sore. He sounds inconsiderate and selfish. I can see why you couldn’t concentrate with the children in the house.

There’s no way I’d want to have someone grinding away for that length of time. This is not your fault. He sounds vile, spitting on his knob and expecting you to think that’s attractive.

As for taking the piss in such a cruel way, does he think that will improve the situation. He sounds absolutely horrible. You don’t sound compatible at all. He’d be more compatible with some kind of sex doll than a human being with feelings. You deserve so much better.

duvetdayforeveryone · 13/03/2022 09:24

I'm sorry, but I couldn't continue being married to such a man.

MrsHumphrieswife · 13/03/2022 09:25

@BigOlDingleSlinger69

gosh, you are so enthusiastic in your delight at a chance to put down a woman that you seem to have not bothered to read the OP at all.

You decry OP for not trying even though the entire post was about her initiating sex, not once but twice, and in a way that her husband enjoys.
That leaves as the only conclusion that you think that a woman not managing to completely mask her physical pan during sex is her ' not trying enough.'
You also think buying lube to prevent pain is entirely her responsibility and not her husbands at all. Perhaps you see this as part of her duty to mask her pain so her husband's pleasure is not in any way minimised.

Utterly revolting post.

diddl · 13/03/2022 09:25

What an absolute bastard he is.

Blaming you?

Did it never occur to him that it wasn't going to happen so to just bloody well stop?

Yaya26 · 13/03/2022 09:26

Oh God poor you. He's a gross selfish twat.

lottiegarbanzo · 13/03/2022 09:26

It's not a functional wetness thing, although obviously that's originally where it comes from.

Is that obvious? I've never heard of or seen spit being used for this purpose. I have always known spitting to be an expression of disdain and contempt.

BigOlDingleSlinger69 · 13/03/2022 09:27

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AngelinaFibres · 13/03/2022 09:30

@Fadeout83

Who the hell likes sex that long at our age?! Sorry only half joking. He’s an absolute twit and if my husband had done that to me I’d seriously have to re-examine the future we had together. It’s not about the sex, it’s the basic lack of respect. He knows you’re in pain and he expects you to get on your knees and not only tolerate it but throw in a “fuck me daddy” for his pleasure.
"Fuck me daddy" SmileSmileSmileSmile my ex husband was an alcoholic. He would bang away for at least an hour. He liked me to spank him and tell him he was a naughty boy. We had a new baby and a toddler of 17 months. I fell asleep once because I was totally exhausted. He carried on regardless. He's an exhusband. As a menopausal woman now, I can say, with absolute certainty, that spit is never, ever a substitute for lube. And that someone spitting into their hand and wiping it on their cock before attempting to stick it in would cause my vagina to migrate to the inside of my skull. ...for the rest of my life.
loislovesstewie · 13/03/2022 09:31

@BigOlDingleSlinger69l, or maybe he should not treat her as though she is a blow up doll. She is a human being with her own thoughts, wants, needs and one of those needs is to be treated with care and respect.

katepilar · 13/03/2022 09:31

Hope you will find words how to mention this at counselling. You dont need to say all the details aloud. The main message is imho that he ignored your needs and ignored you were in pain. Also obviously when trying to come back to intimate sessions, kind of against your feelings to please him, its not the best way to have a long session with dirty talk.

Also, depending of what AD you are taking, it can be messing with your libido and sexuality in wider sense. Also if you had depression and/or anxiety this might effect this too.

pinkyredrose · 13/03/2022 09:31

09:27BigOlDingleSlinger69

It's 'you're" not 'your'.