If a man said 'she's no Scarlett Johansson' about you

[Onthetoadagain]

Hi, just wanting a sense check on a new man. We have been getting on great but I can't shake a slight feeling about him he said something last night and I felt really upset.

He asked me what I had been telling my friends about him, and I told him the nice things I had said. He proceeded to say he had been saying to a friend that he was happy to be with me, some good points, but that 'she is no (say) Scarlett Johansson but I like her a lot'.

I'm not saying I have supermodel looks but I'm a young looking 30-something and get a lot of compliments so it feels like a bit of a knock! I just don't get why he had to compare me to a movie star, or anyone at all, and find me lacking! As in why would he be expecting to meet an A list star?! Would anyone else be deflated by this?

Am I right in thinking that saying 's/he is no Brad Pitt/ Cindy Crawford/ whoever' just means 's/he's not great looking'?

Again, not saying I am Marilyn Monroe but is this a bit weird. Surely if he was happy to be with me he would only say nice things? He's generally very complimentary about my looks so I just don't get why he had to be backhanded in this way.

I have self esteem and boundary issues hence asking.

Sounds like he knows you are attractive and is trying to bring you down a peg or two incase you realise you can do better.

He will not make you happy. Cut your losses.

In what world does someone say this to their friends and then tell you they’ve said it?!

He’d be binned off straight away.

Stop building your value on your looks. It fades. Looking for validation through humour looks is a road to unhappiness.

What he said is actually a red herring - the issue is that he relayed it to you. Always such a bad sign.

I've not told him about my self esteem issues directly, no. I think it probably shows though. I can be habitually self deprecating.

One of on the worst things about low self esteem is that it stops us dumping someone in the early stages as soon as they put us down. Instead of thinking "he must be an arsehole to say that, I'm out" we think "maybe there's some truth in it". And we hang about hoping for reassurance and instead we get put down some more, and our self esteem spirals downwards.

Being habitually self deprecating can tell other people that we wont resist being put down. It's appeasement - if I put myself down enough maybe they wont put me down even more. Trouble is, people will take us at the value that we put on ourselves and the less you seem to value yourself the less they will value you. So appeasement doesn't work. You need to act more as if you like and respect yourself. And that means recognising and dumping losers like him before they can do more damage

@Maunderingdrunkenly

????? Mate dump him he’s negging you

THIS!

“Some good points” as well? How generous of him!

Bloody hell - I’d have replied, ‘Well, you’re no (insert name of whatever famous hunk) either!’

But yes, very rude and hurtful.

And probably a red flag, I’m afraid.

From your responses I presume you’re still staying with him…?

Sorry, by 'some good points' I mean he listed some good things, he didn't just say that.

@Onthetoadagain

Yes, it did feel set up a bit, him asking me about what I had said about him first.

Then it probably was.

Instinctively it’s a uh uh from me. He’s knocking you down. Subtly, but he is. I can’t comment on why he might do this but will say that any reasons I can think of point to him being a wanker.

Get rid. I've been there! My husband regularly, after years of marriage and kids and middle aged spread and wrinkles, etc, tells me I'm the most beautiful woman in the world and tells his pals how gorgeous I am. Love softens the rough edges.
Tldr this dude is a dick

@StringFellow

From your responses I presume you’re still staying with him…?

I dunno. I really feel shit about this and want to run. It's just hard because it was going so well and we seemed to really like each other. Dating has been so hard. Genuinely I was thinking I would never meet anyone. This is making me pause.

He's been apologetic etc and contrite, I did make it known how i felt. I think i just need a bit of time to reflect. I see it as a red flag, as PPs have said, the fact that he told me. I think I just need to work out through before making a decision.

This is not good. Either deliberately bringing you down or best case scenario, is an insensitive arse.

It’s a shit thing to say about you and it’s frankly bloody odd that he would tell you he’d said it. I would throw this one back, who needs that shit? If this is how he speaks to you in the early days, I can only imagine it will get worse. Bin him

Shitty thing to say and a red flag...

Please message him saying something like: After last night, I don't think we'll be seeing each other again; you're not bad but you're no Tom Hardy 😉

To answer a few qus- yes, Scarlett (well the person he named) is apparently his crush, he said after. So he is measuring me against someone unattainable to him, negatively

Who was the person he named?

@pinkyredrose

To answer a few qus- yes, Scarlett (well the person he named) is apparently his crush, he said after. So he is measuring me against someone unattainable to him, negatively

Who was the person he named?

Just a similarly famous woman.

It’s shit that he told you but even shitter that he’s said that about you! Really horrible. My DH would never say anything like that.

Run. It won't get better - and you're supposed to be in the honeymoon stage.

I am no supermodel either but was tall and very thin as a teenager and into my twenties. I was once stopped in a shop by a model scout and given a card. I didn't follow it up (already had pretty low self-esteem and assumed it was some sort of mistake or a scam) but when I told my bf of the time he said 'Yeah, well, I suppose they need some ordinary-looking people too...'. It was part of a pattern of negative comments that got gradually worse.

Sorry, by 'some good points' I mean he listed some good things, he didn't just say that.

OK, but why? Why does he have to evaluate you at all?

And he didn't list "some good things" about you, he listed "some things he likes" and he also told you that in his eyes you are no Scarlett Johansson. This has nothing to do with your actual good or bad qualities, he is not an objective judge of you and other people will see you differently. Don't hang around waiting for him to think better of you. You are good looking but he felt the need to tell you that you're not good looking enough. So either he doesn't think you are good looking (his poor taste) or he thinks you are but he wants to put you down. Either way he's a loser.

I really feel shit about this and want to run.

Good idea.

it was going so well and we seemed to really like each other.

And then he behaved badly and you are allowed to stop liking him now. It's not going well any more.

The mere fact that he started that conversation is bad news. He can apologise til he's blue in the face but he knew what he was doing.

I would wonder why he was choosing to share this piece of information with you.
Sounds rude.

I'd bat it straight back with "would you like me to list the Hollywood stars who eclipse you sunshine?" Then give a long list.

Sorry, op, but you would have to be a fool or desperate to ever see this man again. He has shown you exactly the kind of person he is, please believe him. How you could look past this massive red flag is beyond me.

@RobinBlackbird

I would wonder why he was choosing to share this piece of information with you. Sounds rude.

Perhaps the OP asked the question and wanted to hear his views on her looks, etc. It seems a rather odd thing to just say to someone. There must be further context to it.