If a man said 'she's no Scarlett Johansson' about you

[Onthetoadagain]

Hi, just wanting a sense check on a new man. We have been getting on great but I can't shake a slight feeling about him he said something last night and I felt really upset.

He asked me what I had been telling my friends about him, and I told him the nice things I had said. He proceeded to say he had been saying to a friend that he was happy to be with me, some good points, but that 'she is no (say) Scarlett Johansson but I like her a lot'.

I'm not saying I have supermodel looks but I'm a young looking 30-something and get a lot of compliments so it feels like a bit of a knock! I just don't get why he had to compare me to a movie star, or anyone at all, and find me lacking! As in why would he be expecting to meet an A list star?! Would anyone else be deflated by this?

Am I right in thinking that saying 's/he is no Brad Pitt/ Cindy Crawford/ whoever' just means 's/he's not great looking'?

Again, not saying I am Marilyn Monroe but is this a bit weird. Surely if he was happy to be with me he would only say nice things? He's generally very complimentary about my looks so I just don't get why he had to be backhanded in this way.

I have self esteem and boundary issues hence asking.

You don’t need this shit. Ditch him.

Negging - this one should fuck off, I loath negging having been on the receiving end of it a few times, takes a special kind of loser to do that to keep a woman.

DUMP

That’s a completely bizarre thing to say. Is Scarlett his ex?? What’s she got to do with it? Massive dickhead alert.

It's one thing saying this to a friend (who hasn't dissected a date with their mates, male and female), but to then tell you? Very off putting and I'd reassess his character.

He's a cunt. I bet you're way too good for him. I've been there, he's negging you. My low self esteem drew me time and again to immature insecure men who gradually went about chipping away at my self worth. I was a rather gorgeous, intelligent and very generous young woman back in the day, but struggled with my mental health at times which made me vulnerable to this sort of shit. I had nice boyfriends too, men who were kind and loving and always encouraged me to feel good about myself.

I suggest you hold out for one of those.

Could you please tell us what he said to try to explain his very strange behaviour??

I mean really,
why did he think it in the first place!
why did he say it out loud
why did he then tell you that he had said it????

Please tell me you asked him these things. How on earth has he tried to excuse himself?

He's negging you. What a piece of shit.

I'd stop seeing him and I'd tell him why.

Classic negging. He’s watched some bullshit YT video saying it’s how to treat women. 🤮

Dump him, he’s negging you .

I would dump his sorry arse immediately. Relationships are meant to add to your life, not take away precious self esteem. He sounds awful and you don't need this in your life OP.

He's basically saying he likes you but you aren't very attractive

I think the fact he essentially put you down to his friends with that comment would do it for me. He didn’t just say it to you, he actually said it to his mates.

That’s really disrespectful.

I’ve also been in your shoes. Similar comment, but to keep not his mates. I stayed with him because he had a lot of good points and we got in great. I fell for him. But the little chips away at my confidence were there. Very subtle, the odd comment thrown in with compliments. He also regularly would instill in me how lucky I was to be with him, again done in little comments, so very subtle.
Eventually I left, after my self confidence had been very slowly eroded and I finally realised what he’d been doing. Undermining my looks but also my achievements, my qualities, everything.
In reality, he’d latched onto me bring a little insecure at the beginning and played it well. I was actually well out of his league now I’m away from the situation, I can see that. But he made me think I was the lucky one to have HIM.

He might just be an immature idiot. But I’d be aware if he start’s subtly putting you or things you do down. It’s hard to see if you’re not looking out for it.

negging. I bet he's no Brad Pitt either!

@Bookworm20 He also regularly would instill in me how lucky I was to be with him, again done in little comments, so very subtle.

My ex did this too, favourite phrase "you don't know when you're onto a good thing.", neither did he as I chucked him.

Yeah he brought up the subject especially so he could get this little dig in, it's not even like you accidentally over heard it which would be bad enough but could be partly excused as joking around. Look for someone who treats you with respect and is genuine not manipulative.

I feel so genuinely down about this. I really thought I had found someone good.

He’s a misogynist - dump him.

It is depressing OP but at least you recognised a red flag early and didn't waste your time on someone who is not as nice as they at first seem. There is someone decent out there you might be missing out on by staying with this guy who doesn't treat you nicely.

Ask him why he felt that was an acceptable thing to say. How anyone can justify that is beyond me. Is he always this tactless??

Don't be down about it OP. That was his plan. He's the low grade one, not you.

When he rings to ask you out tell him you have a date and you are sooooo excited!

Whatever you do, do not feel the urge to put him right regards his behaviour. I read this term on here and it is so apt but you are not the asshole whisperer.

How long have you been dating him? Seems likely he was on ‘best behaviour’ and now, for whatever reason, has shown you another - unattractive at best - aspect of his views and behaviour!

A fucking dick move on his part.

That would be it for me.

Yes he's basically saying you're not beautiful. And that's grim of him. I'd leave him for that tbh- seems like the beginning of negging and now you'll never shake the feeling he doesn't find you pretty.

Your inner voice is screaming at you. Please listen to it - and all the posters on this thread who agree with it.

Well done for realising it isn't right - now you need to make that last move and ditch his sorry arse.

Dickhead with no respect for your feelings. Bin.