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Original poster

If a man said 'she's no Scarlett Johansson' about you

359 replies

Onthetoadagain · 12/03/2022 08:55

Hi, just wanting a sense check on a new man. We have been getting on great but I can't shake a slight feeling about him he said something last night and I felt really upset.

He asked me what I had been telling my friends about him, and I told him the nice things I had said. He proceeded to say he had been saying to a friend that he was happy to be with me, some good points, but that 'she is no (say) Scarlett Johansson but I like her a lot'.

I'm not saying I have supermodel looks but I'm a young looking 30-something and get a lot of compliments so it feels like a bit of a knock! I just don't get why he had to compare me to a movie star, or anyone at all, and find me lacking! As in why would he be expecting to meet an A list star?! Would anyone else be deflated by this?

Am I right in thinking that saying 's/he is no Brad Pitt/ Cindy Crawford/ whoever' just means 's/he's not great looking'?

Again, not saying I am Marilyn Monroe but is this a bit weird. Surely if he was happy to be with me he would only say nice things? He's generally very complimentary about my looks so I just don't get why he had to be backhanded in this way.

I have self esteem and boundary issues hence asking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onthetoadagain · 12/03/2022 09:16

Wow, thank you so much for the supportive responses, I thought I was overreacting!

To answer a few qus- yes, Scarlett (well the person he named) is apparently his crush, he said after. So he is measuring me against someone unattainable to him, negatively.

Is he extremely good looking? Well, if I'm honest, not in a classical sense, no. I would never say that to anyone or him though, he is gorgeous to me and when I'm with someone I'm not comparing. I don't expect or require a partner to be immaculate looking.

Doubletreats you have it exactly. Obviously I accept I am not an A list Hollywood star, but it doesn't mean i want to think of him comparing anyone to me and thinking 'there's better out there'. Last night I questioned this and he came back trying to explain, it's just the fact he said it and it didnt need saying!

OP posts:
MaitreKarlsson · 12/03/2022 09:17

You can do better

Original poster
Onthetoadagain · 12/03/2022 09:18

Yes, it did feel set up a bit, him asking me about what I had said about him first.

OP posts:
Just10moreminutesplease · 12/03/2022 09:19

I think he’s testing the water to see whether he can get away with being a dick to you. There is no reason to say this in the first place, never mind to tell you that he said it…

You deserve better Flowers.

Original poster
Onthetoadagain · 12/03/2022 09:20

@PammieDooveOrangeJoof

I wouldn’t be seeing him again.

I used to date a man I called Offensive George who seemed like he made it his mission to say at least two awful things to me each time we went out.

He was gutted when I dumped him which I couldn’t understand as he didn’t seem to like me very much!

Grin at Offensive George! What an awful guy! God knows what he was hoping to achieve
OP posts:
pog100 · 12/03/2022 09:21

A decent partner always tries to make you feel better about yourself, even after 40 years of marriage. To make a shit begging comment like this at an early stage is really grounds to end it. It betrays a lack of kindness and unjustified entitlement, both of which are fundamentally really bad in a relationship.

MrsGHarrison87 · 12/03/2022 09:22

He's trying to bring you down a peg or two and knows you're out of his league. He's trying to make you think you should be grateful that he likes you.
About ten years ago I was dating a guy who would tell me stories and slip into the conversation that he found a woman stunning." I was in Tesco buying a sandwich, the woman on the till was stunning etc". All the time in almost every conversation. Now I'm not saying I'm a supermodel but at the time I've made money from my looks and being attractive. I know I'm not plain, yet he went out his way to make me feel that. It just showed up his insecurities and the fact he couldn't believe his luck. I dumped him and he went back to his ex.

doubletreats · 12/03/2022 09:23

@AryaStarkWolf - yes I agree there is a difference actually. (I've never asked that question again Grin)

CandyLeBonBon · 12/03/2022 09:23

He's negging you. It a way to put you in your place and be grateful for the backhanded compliment he DOES give you. Ditch him, as he'll make you miserable.

Notbeinfunnehbut · 12/03/2022 09:23

Why on earth would he say that to you?

Is he a Chris Hemsworth lookalike? 🤔 hmm…

Sounds a very undermining thing to say, how did you react ?

cato75 · 12/03/2022 09:25

Get rid now before he starts commenting on your weight and clothes.

PilatesPeach · 12/03/2022 09:25

He can F right off

knittingaddict · 12/03/2022 09:26

@Grasping

The context is key here.

Is Scarlett Johanssen his dream woman and his friend knows that? So it’s jokey.

I’ve said to DH when booking holidays/surprises etc. Sorry, Kelly Brook is busy that weekend so you’ll have to go with me

That is entirely different.

Why would he say that to you op? Only one reason that I can think of and it's not nice.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 12/03/2022 09:27

@LampLighter414

You have self esteem issues and he has willingly told you something he must know is likely to affect someone's self esteem. Maybe he is doing this to make you feel less value and more grateful for your relationship. Maybe it's innocent lack of tact.

Either way make your concerns about such comments known. If he reacts badly, it's probably because he wants to beat down your esteem further for his own advantage and he's not for you.

Is it wise to tell a new bloke that you have self-esteem issues?

I wouldn't see this one again. He could be having an attempt at humour but even so it is not very funny and he's unkind. I wouldn't want him.

Vampirethriller · 12/03/2022 09:27

Fuck that noise.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 12/03/2022 09:28

"He asked me what I had been telling my friends about him"

That's a bad sign. Why would anyone ask? Maybe he's very insecure and thinks you're saying something nasty behind his back, or maybe he is very insecure and wants you to flatter him, or maybe he's lining up to say something unpleasant himself.

He proceeded to say he had been saying to a friend that he was happy to be with me, some good points, but that 'she is no (say) Scarlett Johansson but I like her a lot'.

Well what a shitty thing to say to a girlfriend. Why would he put you down like that? And it's not just the Scarlett Johansson either, there's also the "some good points". Some? FFS.

Anything short of "I was just telling my friend about you, that I'd met this amazing girl and I couldn't stop going on about you" shouldn't be said to you at all.

Don't stay with a man who puts you down to his friends or to your face. You were right to feel "off" about it.

TheVanguardSix · 12/03/2022 09:29

Unfortunately, I was married with kids by the time my ex told me I couldn't hold a candle to Liv Tyler. Well... no shit Sherlock. I still love Liv... hate my ex! He then spent the demise of our marriage insisting that I fancied Gregg Fecking Wallace (WTAF!). It was headfuckery of the finest skill.
Dump and move on, OP. He's totally handed you a nice, big ol', shiny red flag with bells. And if you look closely, his mum's stitched a school name tag in the corner of said flag that reads, 'I've raised an asshole and I'm proud!'
Time for that ol' MN chestnut... the hills are >>>>>>>>>

Original poster
Onthetoadagain · 12/03/2022 09:31

@MrsGHarrison87

He's trying to bring you down a peg or two and knows you're out of his league. He's trying to make you think you should be grateful that he likes you. About ten years ago I was dating a guy who would tell me stories and slip into the conversation that he found a woman stunning." I was in Tesco buying a sandwich, the woman on the till was stunning etc". All the time in almost every conversation. Now I'm not saying I'm a supermodel but at the time I've made money from my looks and being attractive. I know I'm not plain, yet he went out his way to make me feel that. It just showed up his insecurities and the fact he couldn't believe his luck. I dumped him and he went back to his ex.
I had a recent ex like this. Every time I saw him, without fail, he would mention at least one other woman (famous, real life, could be anyone) being 'hot'. Very complimentary about me again but it was constant.

Funny you should say that, I've never been a catwalk model or anything but I've also had work based upon my appearance in my younger days.

OP posts:
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 12/03/2022 09:32

@MrsGHarrison87

He's trying to bring you down a peg or two and knows you're out of his league. He's trying to make you think you should be grateful that he likes you. About ten years ago I was dating a guy who would tell me stories and slip into the conversation that he found a woman stunning." I was in Tesco buying a sandwich, the woman on the till was stunning etc". All the time in almost every conversation. Now I'm not saying I'm a supermodel but at the time I've made money from my looks and being attractive. I know I'm not plain, yet he went out his way to make me feel that. It just showed up his insecurities and the fact he couldn't believe his luck. I dumped him and he went back to his ex.
My ex did that. Stunning was the word he used, too. In fact he even went on about Carol Kirkwood, the woman who reads the weather and how much he fancied her. Just one of the reasons he is now my EX.
Thoosa · 12/03/2022 09:32

@Maunderingdrunkenly

????? Mate dump him he’s negging you
This.
Original poster
Onthetoadagain · 12/03/2022 09:32

I've not told him about my self esteem issues directly, no. I think it probably shows though. I can be habitually self deprecating.

OP posts:
SpringBeavers · 12/03/2022 09:38

Dump him.

There is a married couple sort of in our circle in their late 50s. They have been together sicne the wife was 17. She is beautiful, elegant and accomplished. He is a fat sweaty drunk who can't keep a job down and who hits on every woman in sight (then gets nasty when they turn him down). Once when he put his hand down my top at a dinner i asked him why he treated his wife the way he did. He said perfectly honestly (he was hammered) 'She's better than me so I try and keep her down a bit'.

That';s what this relationship would be like if you pursue it is my guess.

Jellybellyfun88 · 12/03/2022 09:38

Get out now while you can. If he’s making horrible comments like this now, when he should be on his best behaviour, it doesn’t bode well for when the honeymoon phase comes to an end. You have self esteem issues. Protect yourself and find a better man who will make it his job to make you feel good Flowers

Fatarseflanagan09 · 12/03/2022 09:40

My ex husband used to say things like that all the time, he was on a constant ego trip and made me feel like shit, I should have known he was a nasty piece of work but I was young, I was seventeen and he was thirty three when we met and had been married twice before, I put up with his unfaithfulness for twenty years and I ended up with ptsd because of his behavior, I finally left him and I’m happy now, he lives on his own and is miserable and full of self pity, his friends have abandoned him and moved on and he’s just a miserable old man looking for sympathy and everyone avoids him.

LemonsLimes · 12/03/2022 09:42

Late dh would never have said something like that and I'm no oil painting. Sounds like negging

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