If a man said 'she's no Scarlett Johansson' about you

[Onthetoadagain]

Hi, just wanting a sense check on a new man. We have been getting on great but I can't shake a slight feeling about him he said something last night and I felt really upset.

He asked me what I had been telling my friends about him, and I told him the nice things I had said. He proceeded to say he had been saying to a friend that he was happy to be with me, some good points, but that 'she is no (say) Scarlett Johansson but I like her a lot'.

I'm not saying I have supermodel looks but I'm a young looking 30-something and get a lot of compliments so it feels like a bit of a knock! I just don't get why he had to compare me to a movie star, or anyone at all, and find me lacking! As in why would he be expecting to meet an A list star?! Would anyone else be deflated by this?

Am I right in thinking that saying 's/he is no Brad Pitt/ Cindy Crawford/ whoever' just means 's/he's not great looking'?

Again, not saying I am Marilyn Monroe but is this a bit weird. Surely if he was happy to be with me he would only say nice things? He's generally very complimentary about my looks so I just don't get why he had to be backhanded in this way.

I have self esteem and boundary issues hence asking.

He's either thick or very mean. Can you live with either of those qualities?

it’s his idiotic behaviour that has caused it. I don't mind being quite open about being hurt here because I am

I think you’re right OP. You’re a self-respecting woman with real feelings. I think telling why is a good idea. He should know he’s hurt you and for the sake of womankind he needs to learn from this! Be prepared for apologies and begging though!

I believe this is a classic sign of negging 🚩

Tread carefully op for there might be more red flags ahead.

@Feather12

I'm a young looking 30-something Scarlett Johansson is almost 40 and stunning. Maybe he likes more sophisticated women? Looking young is not necessarily desirable.

Are you crackers?

You should bin him off anyway for being disrespectful.
Doubly bin him off if you don’t look remotely like SJ (small, curvy and blond) as that’s what he finds attractive. He’s completely wasting your time if you’re (say) a tall, willowy brunette.
All the best OP

Stupidity is so unattractive and can't be cured. No decent person would ever say such a thing.

I can see how it's hurtful @Onthetoadagain but please don't feel humiliated. You've obviously thought it all through now, be proud you found him out and took control of the situation. Onwards and upwards.

He actually talks quite a bit about rules regarding dating that he's read about such as waiting to text back etc- saying that with me he doesn't want to do these things as it feels natural.
This is part of the game to make you believe that he is amazing because he does not play games.

Plus I don't see how I could be uninhibited and confident with him in bed now.
Did he hint how he likes women that do / or are in a certain way in bed? If yes, he was trying to condition you to be his plaything.

To me, a bloke who says this kind of crap is a huge red flag for a potential gaslighter/abuser.

He's starting to wear down your confidence already. Which is likely his plan.

I dont think it was tactless to tell you he said it either. He's told you deliberately to start chipping away at your self esteem.

Ditch this dickhead

I hope your ok op. It’s really shit to think you’ve got something great with someone only to hear something like that come out of their mouth.

But please don’t let it undermine your confidence. At best he was clumsy and has no actual idea about women. At worst, he’s negging.

Quite honestly if you think you can overlook it and he is genuinely sorry and realises he has monumentally fucked up, and didn’t actually mean it, then you could tentatively continue. But anything, and I mean anything else on a similar vein however small I’d walk away.

But only stay with him if you feel confident. If you feel self conscious in anyway, leave him. As that will always be at the back of your mind and having been there and done that, trust me, don’t waste your time.

And definitely tell him the reason you’re leaving.

And you are no Brad Pitt! Fucking loser!

Kinda interesting thread.

I think one thing I've noticed with "Hollywood" (since thats what he's presumably compared you with) is how utterly glacial so many of the actresses are.

Michelle Pfeiifer, whilst I think an excellent actress (What Lies Beneath, The Draughtsmans Contract ) seems to play glacial women suppressing her real feelings. Interesting!!! Most Hollywood actors and actresses, whatever their supposed 'edgy' roles, play safe, suppressed mannequins in reality (thinking Angelina Jolie etc.). Same with alot of the boring manequinn men too. Even Meryl Streep always seems to play some cold, unsmiling, suppressed woman ...

How many Hollywood actresses act like real, alive, idiosyncratic women? There's a lot of bloody posing lets face it. Sometimes the film parts call for it of course; sometimes not. There are wonderful exceptions of course, which I could also happily list - but not that many.

I'm not a typical feminist, but I do think there is a repressive culture afoot as to how women should look and behave. It always seems so narrow. The gauche girlie (Kylie Minogue), the Glacial (Pfeiifer, Streep, etc), the Titillating Deviant (Killing Eve). Perhaps such stereotypes make the best storylines. But its not real life, and in many ways the sterotypes are totally dull and one-dimensional.

@Dontbeamugallyourlifesucker

And you are no Brad Pitt! Fucking loser!

I like your anger....

OP, you should get angry at him for trying to destroy your confidence so he can feel in control.

Get angry and get even so he never messes with you again.

The thing he says about texting back, he think he's being amazing and has to make a point of it. Anyone genuine wouldn't say things like this.

My ex used to go on about what a gent he was, he was absolutely far from it, he was abusive.

I wouldn't trust him one bit OP!

When you're properly consumed with desire for someone it doesn't occur to you to compare and contrast them to a random celeb sex symbol.

actually, the more I think about it, the more I dislike all this Glacial Hollywood B.S. What a load of crap, really. I can think of a woman at my local Tesco in her 40s who has more sex appeal than these hollywood manequinns - which is often mostly what they are.

No-one interested in my thesis ?

@Onthetoadagain

Well to be honest, Hester he came back in tears saying how sorry he is, how he didn't mean it in a negative way, how he's in love with me. Some of this involved digging further hence being so upset rather than just putting it down to clumsiness and posting on here in the morning. I feel like if I explain why I'm going, he will see how it's his idiotic behaviour that has caused it. I don't mind being quite open about being hurt here because I am.

He came back in tears and said he’s in love you? God really? Another inappropriate interaction. He couldn’t just own it and apologise, it had to be a performance. Ugghhhh

@FurStories

No-one interested in my thesis ?

I think it's a flawed thsis, to be honest.

You're confusing the parts they play with the real person. How on earth do you know that Michelle Pfeiffer and Meryl Streep are glacial in their everyday lives? I bet they aren't. They are playing a part and I don't think they are particularly glacial either. Meryl Streep wasn't in Mama Mia for a start.

You've also bought into the icy blond stereotype too. Of course it happens in some roles, but you can't say it's the actresses themselves who are at fault. Women get blamed for too much as it is.

Nasty man. Or idiot man. Either way, get rid

My ex used to go on about what a gent he was, he was absolutely far from it, he was abusive

I agree! A friend of mine who is tighter than a hen’s arse said to me recently that women from OLD were taking advantage of him being ‘such a nice guy’ and offering to buy all the drinks & dinners … I’m like wtf? He struggles to buy a round…it’s actually made me want to stop being friends with him . The point being that what people say about themselves is often very very very untrue!

Is your mind made up @Onthetoadagain ?

The point being that what people say about themselves is often very very very untrue! ha yes x100! 'I'm a nice guy' kind of thing.

Yeah my mind is pretty much made up. I'm with family all weekend until tomo so don't want to act until I'm back home in my own space as I don't want to have to plaster on a smile after splitting up with someone who I though was a good prospect but yeah, none of this makes me feel good and i don't think i deserve to feel that he's always got one eye elsewhere. I'd rather be alone. I wouldn't make a boyfriend feel second best, even to some abstract higher tier of men.

The fact you didn't dump him the second EVERY PERSON on here told you was a sick shit means that it's not worth replying to you

Well don't then, mrsrat

It's taken me some working through, thanks to low self esteem throwing up 'well, he's got a point' as a barrier. I've made up my mind, but don't want to have to text/ call and break up with someone whilst with all the fam for an event. It will still hurt and I'm quite a private person. The thread has been a great help, I just need to do this the right way for me.

Sorry seem Ypu w come to your senses very brave well done