If a man said 'she's no Scarlett Johansson' about you

[Onthetoadagain]

Hi, just wanting a sense check on a new man. We have been getting on great but I can't shake a slight feeling about him he said something last night and I felt really upset.

He asked me what I had been telling my friends about him, and I told him the nice things I had said. He proceeded to say he had been saying to a friend that he was happy to be with me, some good points, but that 'she is no (say) Scarlett Johansson but I like her a lot'.

I'm not saying I have supermodel looks but I'm a young looking 30-something and get a lot of compliments so it feels like a bit of a knock! I just don't get why he had to compare me to a movie star, or anyone at all, and find me lacking! As in why would he be expecting to meet an A list star?! Would anyone else be deflated by this?

Am I right in thinking that saying 's/he is no Brad Pitt/ Cindy Crawford/ whoever' just means 's/he's not great looking'?

Again, not saying I am Marilyn Monroe but is this a bit weird. Surely if he was happy to be with me he would only say nice things? He's generally very complimentary about my looks so I just don't get why he had to be backhanded in this way.

I have self esteem and boundary issues hence asking.

Red flag.

In early days of dating surely the other person should be making you feel like you're the most wonderful person they've met?? Not picking out or making up any bad points.

Tell him to piss off, you can do much better.

@lljkk

A lot of blokes do a grading, ratings thing, about women, their sexiness, bodies, etc.

You can find that unacceptable or just compartmentalise it as "weird thing guys do". I am mostly staying neutral. But i guess on balance I'd count it mildly against a bloke rather than to his favour. And remind him that he's got to worry about meeting my standards, too.

A lot of blokes don't grade/rate and would fine it distasteful that others want to put women into league tables.

No woman should put up with a misogynistic immature man who does this rating/grading thing as if they are God's gift to women..

Be like Scarlett, she wouldn’t give him the time of day. Sack him off.

i dont think id be able to really move past this comment and id sooner just finish it hard though that may be in your shoes , we all have had or got crushes on actors of celebritys i suspect , theres an actor i like very much , but the words oh i said your no bruce bohne but would never come out of my mouth , it just wouldnt .
its really an immature and cruel thing to have said , its ridiculous to compare someone your dating to an actor you are never ever going to be with here in the real world

What a horrible thing to say. Toss him back in his cess pit!

Please end it. What a vile thing to say. He was very intentionally trying to insult and belittle you.

Can you imagine being introduced to those friends/people that he has degraded you too?

I personally would send a message rather than have a conversation during which he may try to insult and belittle you more or beg you to stay etc.
End. Block and be glad you are not with such a manipulative bag of crap

I bet he didn't even have such a conversation with his friends. He engineered this whole discussion with you with the objective of telling you that you aren't as pretty as Scarlett Johansen*. What a wanker.

You barely know him, dump snd move on. This ain't it.

• nor is she when she doesn't have professional hair and make up artists spending hours on her but that's by the by

@lljkk

A lot of blokes do a grading, ratings thing, about women, their sexiness, bodies, etc.

You can find that unacceptable or just compartmentalise it as "weird thing guys do". I am mostly staying neutral. But i guess on balance I'd count it mildly against a bloke rather than to his favour. And remind him that he's got to worry about meeting my standards, too.

A lot of blokes don't grade/rate and would fine it distasteful that others want to put women into league tables.

You’re right, some men are mysogynistic sexists pigs but why would the OP want to put up with that

I truly think he feels he is perhaps less than you in the looks department and is trying to put you down. He sounds insecure and not nice with it.

OP I can understand why you feel down after thinking you've found a "good'un". At the same time, please don't feel bad about your judgement (which I sense you may be).

You have a feeling of "I just want to run". This is EXCELLENT. This thread explains the gap you have between that feeling and understanding why you have it. But the baseline you have is really good. Your instinct is to run from an arsehole! Listen to your instinct (as well as the thread) and try to feel proud of yourself for recognising this feeling enough to post here. Your boundary issues and low self-esteem may not be quite as bad as both those issues are leading you to believe!

I'd read some pick up artist (PUA) websites as they explain all their techniques,

Ooh, a negger. They were shit in 1995 and now they're shit and out of fashion. Chuck.

aah, didn't finish!
These websites help people with boundary issues and low self esteem see the techniques used to exploit those weaknesses (injuries) used by certain types of men. As we wouldn't play mind games we don't consider the person we have feelings for would. And then they get away with it, and we end up in controlling relationships - or dumped without warning when they get ready for their next prey.

I do find it hilarious that these guys post stuff online and don't seem to realise that WE CAN READ TOO! 😂

Their techniques are easy to spot when you know what they are.

It will only go downhill. He will make you feel constantly that you have to ‘please’ him. How dare he! Is he some kind of Adonis?

I do find it hilarious that these guys post stuff online and don't seem to realise that WE CAN READ TOO!

Stella Grey, who used to write about midlife online dating in the Guardian, said this to one of them. She asked why he didn't realise that women could see all those godawful webshites too. He was silent, then had a tantrum about how men couldn't have anything to themselves (not the world wide web, love, no) and then logged off.

You've got to laugh.

As others have said, classic pick up artist negging

Make you feel a bit shit about yourself so you appreciate him more and don't think about having other options

I had to look up what negging is. When I read threads like these, I feel relieved and happy to be single.

I think it depends how it was said. You said the person mentioned is his celeb crush. So if his mates are asking about you and he said “well she’s not Scarlett johansen but she’s great, etc” then I kind of see why he would say that. That it might not have been meant in a negative way about you but he’s just joking he hasn’t landed his celeb crush. 🤷‍♀️

No no no…you are too charitable. He wanted to create a conversation where he could drop his line in…it was deliberate and purposefully unkind.

It had a spike of popularity after some twunt write a book about it in the 90s. The problem, as now, was that there was no way of stopping women from seeing and reading about it too. Nobody said this lot had the smarts. If they had, they wouldn't need to resort to How To Pick Up Girls by Hypnosis et al.

But I actually saw male characters doing it, with huge success of course, in a book written in the 1960s. Author was living in the era of free love and still couldn't get a woman.

I've seen this a fair few times. Average to less than average looking guys assuming they deserve a supermodel and critising tiny 'flaws' in beautiful women's looks.

I blame the media for this culture. Too many movies where the average looking guy wins the ultra beautiful woman. Whereas if they try to do this the other way around it's always an ultra beautiful actress with glasses on...

There's only one movie I've seen where the actress could perhaps be seen as less beautiful than the male love interest 'isn' t it romantic'. Which I loved because it made fun of rom coms.

Even background actresses casting calls demand 'stunningly beautiful.' It creates the delusion that a much higher proportion of women are stunningly beautiful thus meaning men openly consider real life women as less than average beauty despite the truth. Do an experiment. Watch the background characters in a few shows. Try to spot a woman you wouldn't consider beautiful, then do the same for the guys. I also like doing this for long running shows like ER because you see how the culture changed. When it first aired the main actresses were beautiful of course, but those walking around in the background without speaking roles were a range of different looks with many looking like those you'd pass on the street. Fast forward ten years and suddenly you're in alternate universe where every woman is a supermodel.

That's not going into mentioning the supermodels plastered everywhere on other media. Posters, magazines, porn, etc.

Our brains take in all the faces we see to work out average beauty. Evolution doesn't care whether it's from TV or the streets. It compiles all faces. So a guy without the capacity to think past this can have some very weird thoughts.

I'd personally want to give them a wakeup call of some kind.

@Grasping

The context is key here.

Is Scarlett Johanssen his dream woman and his friend knows that? So it’s jokey.

I’ve said to DH when booking holidays/surprises etc. Sorry, Kelly Brook is busy that weekend so you’ll have to go with me

No, that's not the same at all.

Ditch him OP.

I have a family thing today which I could really, really do without but think I'll get this out of the way and then let him know I can't move past the things he said

It’s his failing not yours. If you tell him anything let him know he needs to take a long look at his pathetic self.

These websites help people with boundary issues and low self esteem see the techniques used to exploit those weaknesses (injuries) used by certain types of men. As we wouldn't play mind games we don't consider the person we have feelings for would. And then they get away with it, and we end up in controlling relationships - or dumped without warning when they get ready for their next prey

No wonder abisive relationships are so common. What man alive thinks this is a good way to meet a woman. These PUAs clearly don’t see women as equal … and neither does the man you write about OP. I put up with crap from a guy and ignored red flags on the first few dates because he was hot and fun … but boy oh boy did I get hurt and I was kicking myself for not just heeding the warnings.

abusive

@pictish

No no no…you are too charitable. He wanted to create a conversation where he could drop his line in…it was deliberate and purposefully unkind.

Yes yes yes

Absolutely this