If a man said 'she's no Scarlett Johansson' about you

[Onthetoadagain]

Hi, just wanting a sense check on a new man. We have been getting on great but I can't shake a slight feeling about him he said something last night and I felt really upset.

He asked me what I had been telling my friends about him, and I told him the nice things I had said. He proceeded to say he had been saying to a friend that he was happy to be with me, some good points, but that 'she is no (say) Scarlett Johansson but I like her a lot'.

I'm not saying I have supermodel looks but I'm a young looking 30-something and get a lot of compliments so it feels like a bit of a knock! I just don't get why he had to compare me to a movie star, or anyone at all, and find me lacking! As in why would he be expecting to meet an A list star?! Would anyone else be deflated by this?

Am I right in thinking that saying 's/he is no Brad Pitt/ Cindy Crawford/ whoever' just means 's/he's not great looking'?

Again, not saying I am Marilyn Monroe but is this a bit weird. Surely if he was happy to be with me he would only say nice things? He's generally very complimentary about my looks so I just don't get why he had to be backhanded in this way.

I have self esteem and boundary issues hence asking.

Nope, dump him. You stay with him and your self-esteem will be through the floor in six months. He’s already testing your boundaries to see what you’ll accept

If you do let him know that you can’t get past it, I imagine he’ll grovel and apologise. Been there OP … but it’s only a matter of time before he’ll show his true colours again.

It’s so strange to have told you he said that. I’m not condoning him saying it to his mates at all but it’s even weirder him reporting back to you that he said it to his mates!

It’s so hilarious how so many men think objectifying women is just normal . And so many women do it too to somehow get along with men. It’s one of the things I’ve changed and I love that I’ve woken up to this because it’s so common.

I’m single separated in my 40s and I’m starting to really enjoy it. In the early days, My exH told me a dress everyone had complimented me on all night didn’t suit me. I got rid of the dress and to this day I wish I hadn’t. It was a really one of a kind dress that really flattered me. Never again will I put up with such BS from entitled men … and nor should you OP.

Dump right now and don't look back.

Well done OP for sense checking this. You’re not doing so badly on self esteem and boundary issues as you think, it turns out.

I do think MN should have a strap line ‘vipers giving women a backbone since 2001’ or whenever it started.

Ooh I would be tempted to enjoy a spot of manipulation with him. Be nice as anything then at dinner say 'You're not going to have potatoes/a second slice of pizza are you? Getting a bit more dad bod than ripped... I mean I'm not complaining. You are very sweet...'

Do that a couple of times a day for a week before realising that things are getting serious with a personal trainer you met at the gym...

To think he actually told you that and thought it ok, is a no no for me. It’s a put down and a bit of a power manoeuvre. Move on.

No. Just no. There would be no coming back for me. I had a boyfriend like that in my teens and to be honest it really messed me up. I put up with it because I was lonely and wanted a boyfriend. I briefly dated a guy in my 20s who said he expected that women should look after themselves and not gain weight as they got older. I literally never saw him ever again because my that stage I knew to never ignore a red flag.

My husband always says that when he saw me, he thought I was the most beautiful girl he ever saw in his life. For the record, I'm a pretty ordinary looking woman who scrubs up ok, but the point is that any decent man will make you feel good about yourself and not leave you with any room to doubt it. I would honestly run a mile!

@Thejoyfulstar your DH sounds fabulous. That’s exactly the point. Any kind, man that really likes and respects you would never say that. It’s sad that it’s not to be op I always tell my DDs that it’s far better to be single with your self esteem intact that with someone like that.

I’m afraid there’s no excuse. He sounds like he’ll be emotionally (at least) abusive down the line.
Please don’t settle because dating “has been hard”. Settling never ends well.

Horrible and a first red flag of an emotionally abusive man.

Do we think we could support OP without restoring to a lazy ‘well Scarlett Johansson’s only average’ / ‘has had surgery’ etc?

Because a) that is ridiculous and she is objectively very beautiful b) it doesn’t help the OP who just needs to ditch this awful man and c) he didn’t even name Scarlett Johansson - he named someone else and OP used SJ as an example.

He's been apologetic etc and contrite, I did make it known how i felt. I think i just need a bit of time to reflect.

Of course he is, he'll be on his best behaviour for a bit now that he realised he's gone too far too soon. Make sure you're a bit more hooked and be a bit more subtle next time. I'd say this man also has self esteem issues but presents in a different way, in that he feels the need to put you down to make him self feel better. This isn't something that will change. It's a personality trait. He'll just hide it for a while.

Sack him off. Weird behaviour… almost manipulative. It’s sad when you can’t trust someone (especially a boyfriend) to say nice things behind your back. It’s so early in the relationship and he’s doing this already. Walk away, will probably get worse

@AnnieandMiri

Is he doing that thing where men try to give you an insult at the same time as a compliment in order to create low self-esteem and make you feel you should be grateful he is with you? I can't remember the name. Anyway, it sounds like this. I'd be furious.

Lol Annie how can you not remember it?? It's a constant theme throughout the thread, universally recognised: NEGGING.

He's probably been falling down the rabbit holes of PUA/INCEL sites for some time now due to his own insecurities/stupidity.

OP is well rid.

@WorkingItOutAsIGo

Well done OP for sense checking this. You’re not doing so badly on self esteem and boundary issues as you think, it turns out.

I do think MN should have a strap line ‘vipers giving women a backbone since 2001’ or whenever it started.

Love that idea 👍🏻

He's a player who wants to mess with your confidence, dump him and move on, it's a horrible thing to say to someone.

Wtf is wrong with him? Prize idiot! Or testing out how much he can get away with.

No, you are better than this. Come on. You be the one to pull the plug at so much disrespect.

He actually talks quite a bit about rules regarding dating that he's read about such as waiting to text back etc- saying that with me he doesn't want to do these things as it feels natural.

It kind of makes sense to me now that he has probably come across PUA sites whilst doing this sort of research and thought he might slip that comment in.

He's tried to qualify it since as I don't think he expected me to pull him up on it and for it to cause a problem but it's what he said, he compared me unfavourably to another woman. I don't really care if it is a drop dead gorgeous film star like SJ, or the lollipop lady. It was hurtful and if he was really into me, he wouldn't see things that way, he would just be happy about me, not making comparisons elsewhere.

I suppose a concern with this is that one day there will be a woman who he thinks Scarlett doesn't have anything on, regardless of how she actually looks. If I don't end things then I am just keeping his bed warm in the meantime.

@Onthetoadagain

It's reminding me of my dickhead first boyfriend who would say things like this, and like you mention grumpyterrier when I was a teenager.

Urgh.

I have a family thing today which I could really, really do without but think I'll get this out of the way and then let him know I can't move past the things he said.

Goodness, don’t do that, don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he’s got in your head. Dump the arse by all means (this belittling behaviour will only get worse) but tell him that you don’t see it working out and leave it at that.

Plus I don't see how I could be uninhibited and confident with him in bed now.

Sorry for rambling it is doing me a lot of good thinking this through on here with all of you awesome posters. I feel quite humiliated by it.

Well to be honest, Hester he came back in tears saying how sorry he is, how he didn't mean it in a negative way, how he's in love with me. Some of this involved digging further hence being so upset rather than just putting it down to clumsiness and posting on here in the morning. I feel like if I explain why I'm going, he will see how it's his idiotic behaviour that has caused it. I don't mind being quite open about being hurt here because I am.

"He actually talks quite a bit about rules regarding dating that he's read about such as waiting to text back etc"

Oh god how tragic

I know women who do this too tbf tbf - all still single unsurprisingly

Ugh. I can’t add anything to the excellent advice you’ve had.

End it, and tell him that the next time he’s fortunate enough to have a living breathing woman interested in him not to ruin it with bullshit misogynistic ‘rules’, and just to be himself.

I’m sorry to say this but please consider your safety when you end it and if in person make it a public place. When he realises the tears won’t work he may become unpleasant.

I think you've likely got the message now OP 🚩🚩🚩🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️There is a chance it was a one off idiotic attempt to be funny fail, whilst looking for a chance to let you know he likes you, and wanting to hear the same. Not a chance worth taking if you already have some issues with self esteem. I wouldn't make a big issue of it - but a brief "I don't fancy being continuously reminded I don't meet your exacting preferences" will do.

I don't know how those symbols snuck in between my runners 🙄