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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband just bought home by police. Furious

622 replies

yellowelli · 12/03/2022 03:40

Husband went on an admittedly very rare night out tonight, first in years. He pre booked a taxi for 1am. It got to 1.45 and I was expecting him home, so I was awake anxious. Tried to text him and he didn't open them but kept going online on WhatsApp so was obviously ignoring me. Got to 2 I tried to phone and didn't answer. Could see on find my friends he was in a night club. Find my friends stopped updating his location shortly after now I know his phone had died. Apparently at some point he decided to walk home, we live a 40 minute drive away, so obviously wasn't going to happen. Police found him staggering alongside a main road. With no phone, no coat, in terrible driving conditions, absolute pouring rain. They couldn't get any sense out of him about where he lived he just kept saying if I walk straight I'll end up home. He's the most drunk I've ever seen him. They got his address of his license and I've never felt more bloody embarrassed than answering the door to two police man and a soaking, crying husband while very obviously pregnant. I'm so angry. He doesn't go out ever, I don't resent him letting loose or whatever but for a man in his fourties, with a toddler and a baby on the way, with a wife and two bloody kids to be so irresponsible to attempt to walk in such dangerous conditions on a dangerous road?! It's staggering?! He could of died and I'm so angry about it. He's snoring next to me now and I'm seething

OP posts:
Clawdy · 12/03/2022 08:34

@Fcuk38

With all that’s going on in the world right now let him be and try and see the funny side.
Exactly. Bet he will never do it again.
Iamnotamermaid · 12/03/2022 08:34

the fact he never goes out would means he had no idea of when to stop. Everything probably seemed like a good idea, let his hair down, got carried away with the others but it all ended up OK in the end.

Once sobered up I suspect he will feel like an idiot and appreciate he did not make the best choices. Be annoyed but move on as a lesson learnt. It's a once off - we all make mistakes.

Tlollj · 12/03/2022 08:34

Yeah thanks @Uafasach that’s what I was trying to say. I wouldn’t know he was late because I’d be asleep I wouldn’t be waiting up at 1 am.
Still be pissed off at being woken up by the police mind you. But I wouldn’t be worried.

spacehardware · 12/03/2022 08:35

I've only skimmed and I expect the thread had turned into a bun fight. In regards to the "switch the sexes" argument

"How many people defending him would think it was fine if a woman with young kids did this?"

My next door neighbour messaged our street mums WhatsApp group last Saturday morning to apologise if she woke anyone when she came home in a state (she didn't) - similsr situation as OP's husband although she did at least manage to get her twxi. Doesn't go out much, got over excited and went past her limit without realising. Threw up in the street and her husband had to rescue her from the hedge!

Clymene · 12/03/2022 08:35

Be slightly less funny if he'd staggered in front of a car

DrinkingWishingSmokingHoping · 12/03/2022 08:36

Haven’t RTFT, only the OP‘s posts, but clearly there’s been a bit of a pile on. Don’t take much notice @yellowelli - a lot of people on MN just want to put the boot in at any opportunity.

I’m not surprised you were worried and upset, and I hope that as it’s a one off, you and your DH will be able to talk about it calmly and he’ll acknowledge that it was a dangerous thing to do. That’s the trouble with alcohol - it depresses the frontal cortex areas of our brain which control, higher function faculties like decision making, risk assessment, planning and forethought. People do things when drunk that they wouldn’t dream of doing sober, because the alcohol has removed their ability to process a situation normally. If he rarely goes out drinking (and doesn’t drink to excess at home), he probably went out and drank like he used to drink when he went out regularly and could ‘hold his drink’ (ie had a higher tolerance for alcohol). There’s little point in railing at him about making irresponsible decisions, because he totally lacked decision making capacity by that point. The decisions would ideally have happened earlier in the evening, not to drink so much., But as we know, once you’ve had a couple of drinks, a couple more seem like a great idea, especially if you’re with friends who are also drinking (often in rounds). I guess I’m saying… don’t be too hard on him - it’s easily done.

Velvian · 12/03/2022 08:36

@yellowelli, I would have been worried and angry. DH has done similar a few times, minus getting brought home by the police.

I think reminding him of how he got home and letting him know how worried you were will mortify him.

I agree with you about the misogynistic direction of comments on MN FWIW.

TheirTheyre · 12/03/2022 08:36

Couldn’t get worked up about this. I’d certainly not be lying awake worrying about him. He’s not been out in ages. Could have been spiked, anything. Especially as he has no wallet or phone.....
I’m more concerned that you’re keeping tabs on him on his phone and checking WhatsApp and find my phone - why are you spying on and stalking him?

spacehardware · 12/03/2022 08:37

FAOD I completely understand the op being upset at the time, and that this could have had a bad outcome. Mercifully it didn't, he's home snd if he's a good sort of guy he will be mortified and sorry not defensive and minimising.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/03/2022 08:37

@TedMullins
How many people defending him would think it was fine if a woman with young kids did this? I'd be equally angry if it was a woman given she's also more at risk of being attacked and murdered. But I would still accept it was essentially an accident. They didn't mean to get that drunk, lose their money and have their phone die. Yes a person of 30+ shouldn't do it but we all make mistakes.

He’d be on his own for the rest of the weekend. Quite possibly for good i don't understand people who'd tear a family apart for a mistake the other person is unlikely to make again. I don't expect my DH to be perfect, and whilst I'd be angry like OP, leaving him seems a complete catastrophisation of the situation

Original poster
yellowelli · 12/03/2022 08:37

@Feelingoktoday

And piss off about the night club stuff. Any age can go to clubs. I love a dance every now and again. I love concerts and festivals. I’m 57 do I need to resign and just go have wine in the garden. How dull.
We went to Glastonbury every year before kids. I'm not against him having fun, I was just shocked he was in a night club in a student town. I'm nearly a decade younger than him and last time I went to a couple of bars in that town I was surrounded by 18 year olds and had a oh god I'm getting old moment. This particular night club would be that times a thousand. Guarantee he will make the same joke when he awakens.
OP posts:
Whywonttheyhelpme · 12/03/2022 08:38

If it is completely out of character then I’m sure he will be mortified enough when he drags his arse out of bed. I would be pissed off and expect an apology. Scolding should be saved for teenagers though. You don’t need to tell him off like a child.

SallyWD · 12/03/2022 08:38

As it's a one off I'd make my feeling known to him then let it pass. He'll feel awful today - mentally and physically. Hopefully he's learnt his lesson.

toomanydogsandcats · 12/03/2022 08:40

@Ponchek

OP you are not uncool - your outrage is totally understandable. It comes, I think, from fear - this has scared you. He got so drunk that he did something terribly dangerous. You are probably in some shock.

No in my opinion it's not funny or sweet or laddish. I agree it's deeply irresponsible and he's very lucky they found him.

I think just no more going out drinking for him. Ever!!

Wow you and the OP should form controlling women anonymous as the founding members. He's an adult. No wonder the poor man was in a state. Its starting to sound like some abusive people on MN as well as the usual harridans. Although this thread is largely sane and sensible, also I choked on my noodles at the stuck pig tangent Grin
Siameasy · 12/03/2022 08:42

I’d actually find it funny

toomanydogsandcats · 12/03/2022 08:43

Glastonbury is the epitome of controlled fun. People pay a fortune to think they are cool.for a day when actually it's just a muddy field and shitty arse

Meatshake · 12/03/2022 08:44

He got drunk and did something silly as a one off. The beer fear will do more than you will!

If it was every weekend then yeh but if he's not been drinking for a while it probably hit him harder than it should. It happens 🤷

Coffeetree · 12/03/2022 08:44

The thing with pick-mes is that they get very triggered by women having standards. Including pathologising you!

OP you're entitled to find dangerously stupid behaviour unacceptable and take whatever action you feel necessary.

WellThatsMeScrewed · 12/03/2022 08:44

@yellowelli ignore the weirdos

fedup078 · 12/03/2022 08:44

Yes I once got knocked out of bed by 3 police officers bringing my dickhead husband home
It still annoys me today that the police thought this was amusing

However , for you it's a one off , I'm sure he will be very mortified and apologetic in the dog house for a while

For me it wasn't a one off and he is now my ex husband

justasimplelife · 12/03/2022 08:47

I'd be livid too OP - I fail to see ANYTHING controlling in your posts. You're very very normal.

robocracker · 12/03/2022 08:47

Jesus people are dicks on here. He's been an irresponsible twat OP. I would be raging at this and my husband knows it and it absolutely be the same the other way round. We have kids, it's not on to leave one parent worried about the other. Kids are the priority. I get where you're coming from.

Also where the fuck were his friends, why weren't they looking after him and checking he got home if he was that drunk?

SleepingStandingUp · 12/03/2022 08:47

I hope he is generally a good man because someone so stupid and selfish as to real risk his life is a liability in yours
Obv it's stupid but it isn't like he thought "gosh this is dangerous, I do hope I don't wander into a moving vehicle, I will get quite dead". He had too much to drink, his mates lost him, he couldn't get a taxi and he thought "I'm walking home, it's that way. I gotta go home. Oh I need a piss. Ooh that lights bright, hedge step! Hedge step! Ooh I'm hungry. I think I need to piss. The lights have stopped. Ooh the car is warm, I might have a nap. Ooh I'm home. I did it. Epic"

Followed hopefully this morning by "what the fuck did I do?" cos he won't remember a thing.

Original poster
yellowelli · 12/03/2022 08:49

@toomanydogsandcats

Glastonbury is the epitome of controlled fun. People pay a fortune to think they are cool.for a day when actually it's just a muddy field and shitty arse
I will always have slight ptsd of the long drops I can't lie. He keeps saying he can't wait until the kids are old enough to take them and I can't imagine anything worse!
OP posts:
TracyMosby · 12/03/2022 08:49

Seriously though, can more women please hold men accountable for their own actions and not find a way to make it a woman's fault
Nobody has blamed you for his actions. People have said you are responsible what you did. He is responsible for what he did.

And how do you plan to make your husband accountable for his actions?