Husband just bought home by police. Furious

[yellowelli]

Husband went on an admittedly very rare night out tonight, first in years. He pre booked a taxi for 1am. It got to 1.45 and I was expecting him home, so I was awake anxious. Tried to text him and he didn't open them but kept going online on WhatsApp so was obviously ignoring me. Got to 2 I tried to phone and didn't answer. Could see on find my friends he was in a night club. Find my friends stopped updating his location shortly after now I know his phone had died. Apparently at some point he decided to walk home, we live a 40 minute drive away, so obviously wasn't going to happen. Police found him staggering alongside a main road. With no phone, no coat, in terrible driving conditions, absolute pouring rain. They couldn't get any sense out of him about where he lived he just kept saying if I walk straight I'll end up home. He's the most drunk I've ever seen him. They got his address of his license and I've never felt more bloody embarrassed than answering the door to two police man and a soaking, crying husband while very obviously pregnant. I'm so angry. He doesn't go out ever, I don't resent him letting loose or whatever but for a man in his fourties, with a toddler and a baby on the way, with a wife and two bloody kids to be so irresponsible to attempt to walk in such dangerous conditions on a dangerous road?! It's staggering?! He could of died and I'm so angry about it. He's snoring next to me now and I'm seething

@yellowelli this is what the doghouse is for.

Not only a lost night’s sleep for you, the embarrassment of having the coppers tip him out bedraggled on your doorstep, & you are well aware of the risk of his walking down that road barely capable of standing let alone looking after himself. I’d be fucking fuming too.

What next? Well you need some rest & respite so either you go out for the day or you go back to bed to rest. Him, he is now on Daddy duty all day. Wake him at usual time & get the kids in there.

Later today, once he is coherent & the kids are in bed, you discuss what happened. No so much what he did/did not do, because he is unlikely to actually remember much - what happened to him & to you.

Likely he just drank that bit more than he could handle & then some more or his drink was spiked (as in spirits thrown into a pint).

Yes, he did try to get home in the pouring rain along a dangerous stretch of road (why else would the police pick up an adult man unless he was clearly at risk?).

What you need to make clear to him is what the police told you, & how distressed & worried you were, never mind you being pregnant with small kids. Another point to be made is that his friends let him go off completely pissed into the pouring rain at night on his own.

Without being melodramatic, we know that people wending their way home in poor weather have died, partly because alcohol affects how the body regulates temperature. Again, the police deemed him to be at risk.

Once the adult responsibility discussion is done, then you have an eternal open mic to ruthlessly take the piss. ‘Oh remember when the police brought you home so pissed you could not stand…’

Being serious, I expect that once he wakes & is brought up to speed, he’ll be mortified, very apologetic & not be so keen to go on the lash with said mates again.

@yellowelli

So many threads I read and think don't feed the vipers yet here I am. Seriously though, can more women please hold men accountable for their own actions and not find a way to make it a woman's fault. I see it far too often on here, on what is supposedly a majority women forum where so many almost infantilise men yet are so harsh on women. It makes me a little bit sad sometimes!

I agree with you100 %, and if the sexes were reversed and it was you staying out, getting so drunk you lost your phone, your coat and were staggering along a highway in the rain, posters would be telling your husband you have an alcohol problem, should be ashamed etc. Women are held to much higher standards than men, and yes men are often infantalised on MN.

If he’s mortified when he realises what happened I think I’d be able to write this off as a one off.

If he thinks it was funny or acceptable I’d be fuming.

@2021s

I also feel sorry for him. This is not usual behaviour for him, he has drunk way more than he should have but I doubt it was out of badness, he has probably forgotten his limit - if he hasn’t been out in years, his friends might have bought shots and he was having too much fun to be sensible, he also may have been spiked. He will have all kinds of hurt when he wakes, he will be so very hungover, be ashamed, have the fear, if you add to this by being angry with him it’s cruel! People make mistakes. Look after him till he recovers then have a proper calm conversation with him about it and how it made you feel. Also, thank your lucky stars, if the police didn’t find him he could still be out there, passed out in the rain getting hyperthermia

I agree with this. He’s going to be feeling awful. It would be kind to be loving towards him. Hopefully he will assure you that it will never happen again.

Just move on. We all do stupid things at times. As you say it’s totally out of character so I really don’t see a problem. He will be embarrassed and that will be enough.

[quote BigOlDingleSlinger69]@yellowelli

Op, most people are saying it was his fault but it was a mistake which isn’t that bad and shouldn’t be blown up into something that drives you apart. It’s something that should be laughed off if very rare.

A few people have called you controlling but it’s a tiny minority. If your referring to them as vipers then they’re a minority.
If your referring to the people who are telling you to let it go as “vipers” who are blaming you and not him then what response where you looking for? LTB or endless shitting on someone for a dumb mistake?[/quote]
It's more just the repeating trend you see on her when you read too many threads. It is sad to see so many women infantilising men yet judging women so fiercely. I see it all the time. For that to even come out on a thread where a concerned wife and mum is upset that her husband could of so easily died just made me sad. It is just the way this forum has started to go. There are of course posters who aren't like this, but too many are and it's getting to a point women won't want to ask advice on here and I think that's a shame.

Where were his friends? I’d be concerned they didn’t make sure he got home safely in a cab considering he was so drunk.

It's totally reasonable to be angry and worried.

If this is unheard of for him, I would talk to him when you are calm enough to listen to his version of events. Drink spiking is common enough, as is hitting the spirits too hard and not realise how drunk you are getting.

My reaction would depend on his, both immediately and longer term. What has he learned? Will he behave differently in the future?

And yes agree with others, shots seem to be the thing now even for non teens. Mixing shots and beer and wine would have made him very drunk.

What a dickhead. I’d have to go out for the whole day today and leave him to his no doubt epic hangover.

Lol at all the cool people on this thread who’d not send a single text or try to call if their DP hadn’t returned at the expected time from a night out. Yeah right.

*So if you were expecting your husband home at X time and he didn't show up, you'd just shrug and go to bed? Not be worried?

I don't believe you*

I completely agree with @Tlollj. I would have been asleep at the time he was due home.

The OP started worrying as soon as she expected him home. If I had happened to wake up at the time he was due home and he wasn't in, I would have thought taxi was late/he decided to stop for food/he was having such a good time, he cancelled the taxi. I wouldn't have worried and I wouldn't have called him. OP talks about women infantilising men - it is infantilising to think you need to wait up for them and call them to remind them to come home.

@Justmuddlingalong

His reaction to the truth when he awakens and sobers up is the most important thing, IMO. He'll either be mortified, apologetic and listen to your concerns or minimise his behaviour, the outcome and how it's never happened before. I would have a calm discussion and watch his reaction very carefully.

This

@yellowelli

I've been around on mumsnet long enough to know not to take these things to heart but I must say if some of you hate women so much just say that. Automatically assuming from he doesn't go out anymore that I control him and am obviously the force behind that, because it must be a woman's fault and not a mans conscience decision. There are lots of ways as an adult to blow off steam, he sees his mates plenty, they'll have a few beers in the garden, or watch the football, or go to golf. I go out for dinner with my friends fairly regularly. We're always home safely at a relatively normal time. Surely this is more normal at this point of our lives and as parents then being pissed as a fart in a night club until all hours. Why are so many people shocked he doesn't do that more often?! I'm more shocked he was in a night club at all. I can't imagine anything worse anymore especially as it was a student town and he was probably 20 years older than everyone!

I'm more shocked he was in a night club at all. I can't imagine anything worse anymore especially as it was a student town and he was probably 20 years older than everyone!

Oh piss off. Plenty of older people still go to nighclubs, even festivals, even adults with kids! Stop being so judgemental, its not shocking people go to clubs and don't be so ageist. Clubs aren't just for young people.

Plenty of activites have mixed age range.

He didn’t die OP so stop being dramatic. He got drunk and the police gave him a lift home. Embarrassing yes, but to tell others that we are allowing men to be infants is out of order. He goes out once. We have all done stupid things even as mothers.

@yellowelli

Mumsnet bingo here - controlling wife, you must treat your anxiety and the good old 'you sound like hard work.' I've said my piece on what I think about this. I can't get behind it myself.

I'm going to retreat for this reason, but thank you to the genuine posters, who's sole reason for being on this board isn't to tear women down, for taking the time to respond.

Tbf there's just as much stupid mumsnet bingo from the other side of the argument...

So the only the ones who agree with you are genuine posters? Grow up.

@Justmuddlingalong

His reaction to the truth when he awakens and sobers up is the most important thing, IMO. He'll either be mortified, apologetic and listen to your concerns or minimise his behaviour, the outcome and how it's never happened before. I would have a calm discussion and watch his reaction very carefully.

Absolutely this.

Any bravado and I would go through him for a short cut.

The police bringing him home is a clear indicator of just how vulnerable he was to being hit by a car and killed.

He is an utter moron.
I would have the Ick too, through rage, and pure fear at that level of stupidity.

God love you.

I hope he is generally a good man because someone so stupid and selfish as to real risk his life is a liability in yours.

The getting pissed is one thing, the walking the road is a completely different one.

Unbelievably stupid.

With all that’s going on in the world right now let him be and try and see the funny side.

@avamiah

Firstly I’d like to say that i don’t wish to offend OP but I have literally just laughed out loud after reading how her husband told the police that if he walks straight he will end up home.hahaha

No harm was done and he got home safe and at the end of the day he was spotted by the police who of course had a duty of care to stop and check he was ok and after finding his address from his licence took him home.

Everything ended well .

This.

Furious? What for?

And piss off about the night club stuff. Any age can go to clubs. I love a dance every now and again. I love concerts and festivals. I’m 57 do I need to resign and just go have wine in the garden. How dull.

He’s not your 15 year old son.

"It's more just the repeating trend you see on her when you read too many threads"

Seems like you are quite resolute in your view of the situation and didn't want advice but to have your view validated some how so don't like the way the thread has gone so now the site has gone downhill.

If all you wanted was people to agree with you, you probably shouldn't have posted on an internet forum.

He was utterly stupid OP. I hope his reaction this morning reflects that. In fairness though, spiking is meant to be prolific at the moment, so I would wonder slightly if that was a possibility.

I get exactly where you’re coming from OP. I’m shocked so many people are seeking to minimise or laugh off his behaviour - people who would be absolutely distraught I expect, had their DH died under similar circumstances. There’s that story of the airman back in the news who had a habit of getting blind drunk and climbing into bins. One day he got taken away by the rubbish men and never seen or heard of again.

Had all of you who think it’s a giggle read a story in the papers about a man who got killed walking home drunk staggering into and out of the road, you would have thought that was a sad story and felt sorry for the family. Luckily for OP it didn’t come to that.

People telling you to give him paracetamol and look after him etc. have made my jaw drop. No way would I be fussing round my husband under similar circs. I would absolutely be leaving him to it. He’d be on his own for the rest of the weekend. Quite possibly for good.

I’m British and I loathe drinking culture. To me alcohol is something to be enjoyed with a meal or in company - it’s not for people to get paralytic blind drunk. DH also loathes drinking culture. If he turned up like that I’d think he’d had a personality transplant and I don’t think I could ever look at him the same way again.

Your anger is well justified @yellowelli, it's born of fear and being able to imagine what could have happened.

But it sounds like he forgot his limits and got too drunk. It happens. It's not great. I'd expect it to not happen again. I'd be wondering where his bloody mates were during this. But he didn't deliberately put his life at risk.

He got too drunk to think rationally and just wanted to get home. The only way to do that at that point was walk.

Does he deserve you doing the it's OK, it doesn't matter think? No. He's an idiot. But as long as he sees this I would let it go.

It isn't likely to happen again.

I am actually chuckling at this…I’d get a good rise out of him when he sobers up. Brought home by the police no less…walking in a straight line home. Knob.

As a one off it’s fine and also funny. No harm was done.