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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband just bought home by police. Furious

622 replies

yellowelli · 12/03/2022 03:40

Husband went on an admittedly very rare night out tonight, first in years. He pre booked a taxi for 1am. It got to 1.45 and I was expecting him home, so I was awake anxious. Tried to text him and he didn't open them but kept going online on WhatsApp so was obviously ignoring me. Got to 2 I tried to phone and didn't answer. Could see on find my friends he was in a night club. Find my friends stopped updating his location shortly after now I know his phone had died. Apparently at some point he decided to walk home, we live a 40 minute drive away, so obviously wasn't going to happen. Police found him staggering alongside a main road. With no phone, no coat, in terrible driving conditions, absolute pouring rain. They couldn't get any sense out of him about where he lived he just kept saying if I walk straight I'll end up home. He's the most drunk I've ever seen him. They got his address of his license and I've never felt more bloody embarrassed than answering the door to two police man and a soaking, crying husband while very obviously pregnant. I'm so angry. He doesn't go out ever, I don't resent him letting loose or whatever but for a man in his fourties, with a toddler and a baby on the way, with a wife and two bloody kids to be so irresponsible to attempt to walk in such dangerous conditions on a dangerous road?! It's staggering?! He could of died and I'm so angry about it. He's snoring next to me now and I'm seething

OP posts:
JeffThePilot · 12/03/2022 12:39

Glad he’s up and remorseful OP. I think you’re reacting exactly as I would have. It’s totally understandable to feel sick with fear picturing what might have happened and for that to turn into anger. It’s not anger directed at your husband as a person, as much as at what his actions could’ve wrought on your family. And now in the cold light of morning that’s dulled and you can talk to him normally and have a sensible conversation.

There seems to be lots of people on this site at both extremes - from those saying you’re controlling and unreasonable, to those saying you should leave your husband because he’s disgusting. I’m not sure what their reality is like, but I can’t imagine trying to navigate life with either of those viewpoints. It must be exhausting, and probably quite lonely.

Ashleighz88 · 12/03/2022 12:41

I could understand if this was a regular thing; but a one off? Come on it is funny, why does the fun/daft side of life have to disappear just because you are 40 or have 2 kids. We aren't on this planet long, let him have a wild stupid night and get back to the mundane family life after that!

Honestly people saying he's unattractive after that must be really fun to be around.🙄

I'm sure his hangover and embarrassment is enough punishment! But it makes for a good story later on in life!

totallyoutnumbered · 12/03/2022 12:43

@Alfixnm

To be fair, I don't think your husband deserves quite some of the vitriol that has been expressed by some posters.

I do understand you're angry that he could have gotten himself hurt; yes it's very stupid to drink so much. However, his "crime" is pretty innocent compared to many similar posts on here, in that he didn't break any laws, try to intentionally harm someone, or do anything intentionally bad.

It was his first time out in years so it's not like he has a drinking problem or that he is a feckless dad repeatedly leaving you in the lurch/shirking his responsibilities - he presumably normally is a pretty good'un. He may literally have no idea of his limits, have a much lower alcohol tolerance than he used to, and feel suitably ashamed/like a dickhead tomorrow.

I'm NOT suggesting you give him sympathy, but just pointing out that he's hardly deserving of LTB status over drinking too much on exactly one occasion after years of not drinking.

This!
WonderfulYou · 12/03/2022 12:44

@CurbsideProphet where have I said the OP is an abusive relationship?

I’ve said I would be annoyed because he put himself in danger but I’d drop it as he’s home safe and can learn from his own mistakes.

I’ve said there’s no actual reason why anyone needs to track their partners and I’ve asked for examples which no one has given me which couldn’t be done by texting or ringing.

It’s not healthy for anyone to know where their partner is 24/7.

It’s not abusive as such but it shows they don’t trust/can’t be trusted which isn’t healthy and of course it can sometimes lead to abuse.

If people think it’s completely fine to be tracked then I would ask them to tell their partner they’re going to turn it off for a couple of weeks.

If they both have it off for a couple of weeks and are both fine with it - then great turn it back on, you’ve proved me wrong.

But if one has an issue with it or starts asking for it to be turned on - then obviously there are red flags.

StaplesCorner · 12/03/2022 12:44

@yellowelli - I've seen so many of these threads go tits up like this recently, I'm not sure why.

Obvs there are a few people being sensible amongst the others pretending that its all just a harmless bit o' fun but it intrigues me why so many posters, most of whom I presume are women, come on and take the opposing stance whatever the outrageous behaviour is. And that's against men, women, kids whatever - I'm not sure there's a specific theme. Its like that Monty Python sketch - is this the right room for an argument? Hmm

StrawberryPot · 12/03/2022 12:45

Come on it is funny, why does the fun/daft side of life have to disappear just because you are 40 or have 2 kids

Sigh ... because he put himself in a position where he could have got himself and others killed, left the op a widow and his dcs fatherless. On what planet is that sort of behaviour fun/daft?

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/03/2022 12:47

@StrawberryPot but it didn’t happen! Everyone does daft stuff. People really need to get a life and chill out. Some people get so staid when they have kids

StaplesCorner · 12/03/2022 12:49

@StrawberryPot - On what planet is that sort of behaviour fun/daft? - exactly, its baffling. But people have vehemently argued that exact point of view on this thread. How could anyone think it was funny?

StaplesCorner · 12/03/2022 12:49

@LuckySantangelo35 - you call being brought home by the police getting a life?

totallyoutnumbered · 12/03/2022 12:50

@toomanydogsandcats

Glastonbury is the epitome of controlled fun. People pay a fortune to think they are cool.for a day when actually it's just a muddy field and shitty arse
😂
StrawberryPot · 12/03/2022 12:50

@LuckySantangelo35

It didn't happen because the police picked him up. Imagine if they hadn't? There's a world of difference between having fun and endangering life.

Parky04 · 12/03/2022 12:51

Fair play to your DH. Sounds as though he had a good time!

JimmyShoo · 12/03/2022 12:52

I would be furious that the Police had to help him home. Using the time of any of the emergency services because of a choice not to control alcohol intake gives makes me angry.

We also use a tracking app in our family. No trust issues at all, my husband is free to come and go as he pleases but it is useful on occasion.

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/03/2022 12:57

@StrawberryPot
Lots of things we do are risky. Everytime we step out of our front door there’s some kind of risk. Every time we get in a car there’s loads of risks.

That’s life!

OP’s husband didn’t set out to get so pissed. He wasn’t abusive or even particularly unpleasant to his wife or the police. He didn’t vom everywhere or shit or piss the bed. Yes he could have been killed. As I say we could be killed everytime we get in a car. It was a one off. He hasn’t been out for ages.

Just give the poor bloke a break! And I’d be saying the exact same thing if a man posted on here banging on about his wife getting pissed and getting picked up by the police. I’d be telling him to lighten up and chill out, she’ll hanging out her arse and not need to have a go at her as if he is her father! And yes I’d be saying the same thing even if the woman was - shock, horror - a mother!!!
You don’t have a personality transplant or become immune to the effects of having one two many just because you have kids.

Scianel · 12/03/2022 12:57

Your examples are pathetic. You do not need a tracking app for either of those scenarios

Who cares? She wants one and finds it handy and everyone is happily in agreement.
Because, and I realise this may come as a shock, not everyone is the same.

lovingtheheat · 12/03/2022 12:58

I get it OP it must have been a shock and I too would have been irritated / frustrated at the risk he took even though he sounded too blind drunk to realise what he was doing at the time. Glad he is ok.

I have a good relationship with my husband and honestly I don't see anything wrong with what you did. And as for "Find my friends", we occasionally for eachother, my family parents also use it for us too, heck even my brother in law asked to follow me so we now follow eachother 😂 - it comes in v handy when meeting up or when my husband who sounds like yours on the clubbing front had a night out with work friends that ended up v late and my husband was uncharacteristically wasted and unable to find his way home.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 12/03/2022 12:59

I'm sorry he's a complete womble. Any married person of either sex behaving in this manner is a twat. Having kids make it irresponsible.
I still struggle to understand why a responsible adult thinks this kind of drunkenness is the stuff of legends.Hmm

This type of behavior was on my internal list when dating.
No drunkards under any circumstances.

PizzaCrust · 12/03/2022 13:03

@springbreak22

I’m pretty confident my relationship isn’t dead in the water judging by the 3 orgasms I had this morning

That's cause he can't go anywhere without you finding him

Laughed out loud at this. Hilarious.
LuckySantangelo35 · 12/03/2022 13:08

3 orgasms is decent to be fair. Especially if via penetration

StaplesCorner · 12/03/2022 13:08

@Parky04

Fair play to your DH. Sounds as though he had a good time!
See - this - this is the confusing bit. Its like we're in a pub on a sunday lunchtime and everyone's talking about their "missus" being a bitch and the bloke who got taken home by the police is now a party legend. Wifey needs to "get a life" and "chill".

That sort of attitude. Yet some are defending it to the hilt - why? As I said earlier upthread, its intriguing. What does it mean? Is is standard AIBU fare or is there something more going on?

StaplesCorner · 12/03/2022 13:10

Just realised this is actually in relationships not AIBU! Confused - even more baffling then!

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/03/2022 13:15

@StaplesCorner it could just as easily be a group of women talking like that, about ‘him indoors’ etc

BigOlDingleSlinger69 · 12/03/2022 13:19

Wowser!ShockShockShock

This thread sure has been an eye opener on how many people are in relationships where they feel the urge (even if it’s mutually consented to) to track their partner or at least feel the need to be able (should they want) to know where their partner is at all times.

Very funny that this is all being said completely openly on a site which regularly has posters talking about red flags of controlling behaviour or codependent relationships! Oh, the irony!

IMO there’s something incredibly weird about wanting to be able to know where a grown adult is 24/7 or to feel comfortable with the same being known about you.

I had no idea these kinds of low level codependent and controlling attitudes were so normalised. I’m shook!Confused

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 12/03/2022 13:20

I have read all your posts OP. I think that some of the posts prior to your DH waking up did actually help you to temper how you were going to react when he woke up. Your DH's reactions upon waking were exactly as they should have been, thank goodness.

One thing still niggles me though (and I feel that I am entitled to that niggle because you were the one posting and asking for our reactions, and this niggle is part of my reaction), through each of your subsequent posts you obviously started to realise that some of the pp were right, and that you shouldn't blame your DH for some of his earlier choices last night.

However, you couldn't get over the fact that your DH had put himself is so much danger by walking/staggering along that road last night, and if I knew that my DH was in so much danger I would be beside myself with worry, causing me to feel sick, maybe to even vomit with worry (a relative of mine died doing almost exactly the same thing, on a foggy road in the early hours of the morning - although he wasn't drunk, he was very upset after having a massive row with a different very close relative to him), and if he was my DH I would also have been very cross with him.

But I think that under the circumstances you told us about last night, if you accepted what pp said about him getting paralytic - that once you have had that one drink too many (and even if he usually goes out with his mates for 2 or 3 drinks quite regularly, all sorts of different things can make you not realise that you have already reached your limit alcohol wise, one being the amount and type of food you had eaten that day, or whether you might be coming down with a virus, or if you had had a shitty day at work, so your mind was already rather emotionally overloaded) - all your future decisions happen whilst still under the influence of alcohol, so unless you are bloomin' lucky your decisions may very well be absolutely stupid, and hughly dangerous ones.

So what I am trying to say OP is that my niggle is, IF you understood that he didn't intend to get so drunk, but that for one reason or another that he shouldn't be held completely responsible for (like the ones I mentioned above), then you would be being rather unfair to blame him for doing something spectacularly stupid after getting paralytic, because once anyone is unintentionally, but still legally, under the influence of too much alcohol, they shouldn't be blamed for their actions, as the drunk whoever he or she is, is no longer capable of making rational decisions.

Therefore in the case of your DH the only thing IMO that you would be fair to carry on being angry towards him for, would be if you felt that he didn't have any excuses to have that one extra drink that then caused him to lose his inhibitions, and behave ever more ridiculously stupidly as the evening wore on.

Thank goodness he luckily managed to get home safely with the help of the police, and hopefully any future such outings will be considered for more carefully, and he will be part of a group of real friends who all look out for each other, and don't let one of their group go off on his own.

SunshineCake1 · 12/03/2022 13:20

Dh and I also have an app to see where we are and when dh worked it was really useful to see when he had left work so I could have dinner ready as we were all hungry.

@yellowelli nothing you have done is controlling, infantilising or wrong.
Glad your dh was brought home and realises when you were upset. Good luck with the baby.

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