Husband just bought home by police. Furious

[yellowelli]

Husband went on an admittedly very rare night out tonight, first in years. He pre booked a taxi for 1am. It got to 1.45 and I was expecting him home, so I was awake anxious. Tried to text him and he didn't open them but kept going online on WhatsApp so was obviously ignoring me. Got to 2 I tried to phone and didn't answer. Could see on find my friends he was in a night club. Find my friends stopped updating his location shortly after now I know his phone had died. Apparently at some point he decided to walk home, we live a 40 minute drive away, so obviously wasn't going to happen. Police found him staggering alongside a main road. With no phone, no coat, in terrible driving conditions, absolute pouring rain. They couldn't get any sense out of him about where he lived he just kept saying if I walk straight I'll end up home. He's the most drunk I've ever seen him. They got his address of his license and I've never felt more bloody embarrassed than answering the door to two police man and a soaking, crying husband while very obviously pregnant. I'm so angry. He doesn't go out ever, I don't resent him letting loose or whatever but for a man in his fourties, with a toddler and a baby on the way, with a wife and two bloody kids to be so irresponsible to attempt to walk in such dangerous conditions on a dangerous road?! It's staggering?! He could of died and I'm so angry about it. He's snoring next to me now and I'm seething

Yes he was bloody stupid but as its a one off I'd let go.

You do not need a tracking app for either of those scenarios.

You don’t need it. Others find it useful.

There’s a million things we use to make life easier. You don’t need a washing machine, but I’m going to assume you don’t put your clothes in a bathtub with a washboard and squeeze them on a mangle.

Nope. Again, not going to explain the tedious ins and outs of how dinner works at our house but he doesn’t have to do that.

That’s because it’s BS and you know it.

Do you always treat adults as if they are children and have to have consequences to learn lessons?

No most adults understand that if their partner is waiting for them to finish work they’ll text them instead of making them keeping checking an app like they’ve got nothing better to do just so they can put dinner on.

I don't think it's something that can be debated fairly. As well as husbands/fathers/wives/mothers we are each individuals... and nobody knows that a person is going through/feeling every moment of the day. Yes he did a very stupid thing but alcohol can affect people differently. Some can drink and drink and maintain a sensible demeanour where others go out with that exact intention and then something switches. Doesn't mean they're bad people but instead of being cross you should maybe speak to him and see if he feels that he cannot handle alcohol safely. That's what my husband did with me and my turning point was much much worse. He didn't berate me as a wife or mother who had let her family down he asked if I think that it's wise to be putting MYSELF in those situations, even if it was once a blue moon. His understanding forced me to own up to the fact I would let stress build up then go out and let my hair down using alcohol and then it would go terribly wrong as I would become more animated, more obnoxious and my inhibitions would deplete. He will already feel shame and anxiety for what happened last night, maybe a light hearted but serious discussion about his behaviour is the best approach. That was honestly the best way to handle it for me because drinking really is like russian roulette for someone with my brain. Either goes fine and in by 10 or it goes terribly wrong and I become someone else. Its not a risk I'm willing to take anymore. I watched my mother beat my dad over the head (metaphorically speaking) every morning after he had a binge drink and it didn't make a blind bit of difference, he would apologise and the weekend would roll around with the same old routine. He justified his behaviour with her nagging him. It's a tricky one to handle but remember if this is a rare occasion for your DH then that deserves some leeway. We are only human. Hope everything works out OP.

Op

Hey on mumsnet FGS!

You’re heavily pregnant
Two young children
You started thread at 3.40am and basically haven’t come off it

It won’t help.

Get off mumsnet

That meant to say

Those discussing tracking and consent around our partners and children. Do you realise most teens are happy to be tracked by one another on Snapchat?

Dd specifically doesn’t update her status so she still appears to be somewhere cooler than at home so others think she’s still there. When they get older, the same teens will have choices whether or not to continue with this and people in controlling relationships will always find ways to control.

As for tracking, we have family tracking, which we added maybe 18 months ago so we can see where my young teen dd is. She has a medical condition. It gives me some level of assurance.

Dh doesn’t really track me as I’m almost always home but is free to look, I have no issue. I only use with dh it for things like checking to see if he’s going to be home on time to take dd to an evening activity. I’m disabled and ill so I can’t just run out of the house and need more advance warning than he will give. He’d far rather I checked his location than call and distract him while he’s pegging down the motorway to get home. This is our choice, our boundary and there is no judgment required.

Dd may want to remove it when she’s older, which is fine in my book. Or she may wish to keep it as a means to protect herself. A mother on here recently explained why her now adult dd chose herself to keep tracking on and the agreement the two of them reached.

I’m pretty confident my relationship isn’t dead in the water judging by the 3 orgasms I had this morning

That's cause he can't go anywhere without you finding him

I have both my husband and many family members on google maps. Does this mean that I don't trust my family and that we're all controlling? No, not at all. It's just a useful tool to help us see where others are located. We find it especially useful when we're waiting for someone to turn up for a night out.

I can completely understand why the OP was so upset. I would be too if my husband was brought home by the police! He's been an idiot and hopefully he won't do it again. Far too many people get themselves into serious accidents after having too much to drink.

Oh and @yellowelli having read through your posts, I don't think it's controlling in your situation to use a phone tracker. MN always believes it's the work of the devil and questions those who use it on a partners phone. My husband uses it on my phone, but only when I'm cycling to work to ensure I arrived safely. Came in useful the one time I didn't, fell off, fractured my shoulder, 2 hour wait for an ambulance, couldn't get up due to shoulder fracture. It was difficult to explain where I was as it was a footpath so he used the tracker to come and take me to a&e. I don't understand why mn think that sort of use is controlling?

Orgasms or no orgasms, if my partner told me he wanted to track me id tell him to fuck off. My kids don’t need to do it either.

I’m pretty confident my relationship isn’t dead in the water judging by the 3 orgasms I had this morning. But of course using find a friend is a much more accurate way of judging that, so id best ltb.

Sorry I forgot - you can’t have a good relationship/sex life without tracking the other person’s movements.

Your comment is exactly why I disagree with tracking.

You don’t trust each other but you have sex so that must mean your relationship is great

I’m not trying to sound like a bitch but there are way too many women on here acting like being tracked or tracking is normal when it’s not.
And what’s worse they’re teaching their children to do the same.

If it’s something that you and your partner feel the need to do that’s your business but it absolutely does not equal a healthy relationship and as all the above examples prove there’s no actual reason for needing to have it other than because you don’t trust your partner so just be honest about it.

That’s because it’s BS and you know it.

No, it’s because it is none of your damned business and if you are finding it so hard to get your head around such a simple concept, it would explode when I explain how when you have a child with a disability, it’s not as simple as waiting for the school to call in an emergency or having the luxury of coming home, changing and freshening up to sit down for a leisurely late dinner.

No most adults understand that if their partner is waiting for them to finish work they’ll text them instead of making them keeping checking an app like they’ve got nothing better to do just so they can put dinner on.

Most adults understand how other adults might have different lives to them, and use tech to make life easier. Most adults, when told someone doesn’t have to “keep checking” would stop repeating that the person has to “keep checking.” Most adults would realise that their obviously poor experiences in relationships don’t apply to everyone and wouldn’t keep making a fool of themselves by calling others liars.

Looking back over my fractious relationship I'm struck by how incidents similar to what you experienced last night were really significant. The time I was making a speech at my sister's wedding and he was lying drunk in the men's toilets with his trousers round his ankles, the time he passed out on a nightclub floor and couldn't be moved, the school principal retirement do when he flirted outrageously with other women and bought them drink.I had to look at those women in the playground the next day.There were so many more I could mention.
I've really not saved up these little vignettes just to belittle him but every time they happened a bit more respect and love was lost until there wasn't very much left.I'd let him sober up and then let him know exactly what you think.

@BoredZelda

I’m pretty confident my relationship isn’t dead in the water judging by the 3 orgasms I had this morning

Shit, is this a feature of the app I don’t know about?

😆

Am also interested.

@WonderfulYou

I don't need FMF no. Anymore than we need most of the tech available to us nowadays. It's useful but nobody is claiming it's essential. Sorry you find my examples pathetic. FMF just makes life a little easier in those - and other - scenarios.

You still seem to be wilfully missing the basic point that it's not about constantly monitoring / tracking someone's movements. It's about being able to see now and again where loved ones are, when it's useful to know. Lots of families use it. I have a friend whose ds was very late home after a night out, not responding to messages. She drove some distance and found him unconscious, without a coat, on a park bench. He could have died had she not had FMF. Is that dramatic enough for you?

But you crack on with your ridiculously extreme comments.

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@jessieminto you poor husband getting tracked by you and your son who is getting impatient that his dad is not bringing him his treats home quick enough. I just couldn’t be arsed with my DH and kids doing this to me[/quote]
That's your choice. The hero's welcome DH gets when he arrives with the precious and much longed for treat is something he quite enjoys actually. And that's because there is no malice, ill intent or distrust in our family.

If it’s something that you and your partner feel the need to do that’s your business but it absolutely does not equal a healthy relationship and as all the above examples prove there’s no actual reason for needing to have it other than because you don’t trust your partner so just be honest about it.

The examples show people use it in ways that works for them, in their relationships with the people they know better than you. The only proof of anything is that you choose not believe them.

I’m not trying to sound like a bitch

You have a different reason for calling people liars and accusing them of bullshit.

You are way too over invested in how other people live.

Sounds out of character and if he's not a big drinker he could of underestimated his tolerance. If I'm right I think your more pissed off about him walking home in dark and dangerous conditions with the risks that come with that & having to have the police get him home than anything else.
I have a friend who can drink wine no problem at home but 2 glasses of it while she's out in the fresh air and she's the drunkest person I've ever seen. Definitely a lesson for him to watch his intake while he's out.

Also we use the tracking thing too. Simply as OP suggested as a safety feature. I'm not a very confident driver, I can drive very well but I get a little anxiety before a big trip to my parents and I feel better knowing its on so DH can do a quick check of my journey and see if I'm standstill for too long and en route to my destination. It's safer than calling me or texting me when I'm driving. Other than that it absolutely doesn't affect us. Neither of us have anything to hide so it's not like we are checking it all the time.

Never had nor wanted trackers on mine or dh phone.

Regardless of the situation or the whys and where's at least he's ok and sorry op.

You've been given a rough time here this morning and some people seem to be nasty so maybe it's something in the air but at least he's only hurt his ego and nothing else.

I'd also be mortified if the police brought my dh home but I bet Hel be more careful when he goes out in future

That’s you @LuckySantangelo35 I’m happy for my Dp to know where my phone is, he hasn’t asked to put a tracker in my arm. He can track my phone, so if it’s lost or to give a idea to where I am if I’m stuck at work. I also like the idea that if something did happen to me and I had my phone on me I could be found, silly maybe but it’s certainly not something I feel the need to tell him to fuck off about and he feels the same.

Perfectly normal to use 'find my phone' within families OP.

You don't sound controlling at all. Stop trying to defend yourself.

I'm not a very confident driver, I can drive very well but I get a little anxiety before a big trip to my parents and I feel better knowing its on so DH can do a quick check of my journey and see if I'm standstill for too long and en route to my destination. It's safer than calling me or texting me when I'm driving. Other than that it absolutely doesn't affect us. Neither of us have anything to hide so it's not like we are checking it all the time.

Another good use. When I work away, I’m on a long drive home, my husband can look at it around bedtime to see if he can keep our daughter up for me coming home or if I’ll be another hour. Even when I text to say I’m leaving, a 4 hour journey home can easily turn in to 5 or 6 if traffic is against me.

@Monzeitia

Anyone can have three orgasms, nothing unusual about it but trusting your partner to know that you don’t need an app to track their whereabouts because he will let you know when is late so you can get on with your own business that’s priceless

Who said they had three organisms??